The Gangster Priest

A Comedy in Two Acts

By 

Peg Herring

The Gangster Priest

Copyright ©2005 by Peg Herring

All Rights Reserved

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CAST

Baby Tremaine-star at Club “L”Egant: could sing a number for the opening 

Liam O’Malley-owner of the club; leader of “Gang” 

Michael Larkin-Liam’s right-hand man 

Wanda-club janitor: could sing at the end of Act I

Sidney-twin in Santini’s gang

Simon-twin in Santini’s gang

Betty-one of the dancers 

Barbie-another dancer 

Mrs. Becker-sweet-looking little old lady who’s meaner than dirt

Ellie Tremaine-all-business sister of Baby

Miss Pruitt-Ellie’s secretary

Kokomo-thug with a heart of gold 

Ears-moved from Buffalo to Lucky’s gang a few months ago, is learning the dictionary

Cecilia-shady lady who likes Lucky

Uncle Wilbur-uncle of Ellie and Baby; man of many characters-and cons 

Mandrake-Cecilia’s silent servant*

Gigi-dumb girl from the club

Lily-another dumb girl from the club

Waiter-guy/girl who works at the club

Elevator operator-small woman with a big mouth

Newspaper vendor

Various extras: customers, crowd, gangsters

*Mandrake may have a running bit whenever the house scene is on: he goes across the stage pulling various ropes, chains, etc., never revealing what is on the other end.  The actors ignore him.  Just before the wedding scene at the end, CECILIA takes the rope away from him, goes offstage in disgust, and brings him out whatever might be funny {we used a kitten}.  At that point Mandrake smiles for the first time in the show. 

Costumes:  The play takes place in the early thirties, so men wear suits with hats.  Ladies wear dresses of the time, gloves and hats when outside.  Entertainers’ costumes should be showy.

Other:  Two songs may be included if desired: Baby, Barbie, and Betty can do a whole number as an opener or just be finishing up as the curtain opens, and Wanda’s number at the end of Act I could be a lip sync or a solo.

SETS: Simplest idea is a revolving set with the house on one side and the club on the other.  Other sets can be a few items on a bare stage or in a spotlight at one side.

Sets: Act I

Scene i-: the club stage (raised if possible) w/several tables and chairs set before it. Sign on the wall: Club “L” egant, dim lighting

Scene ii- Ellie’s office {sideset}simply a chair and a desk with folders and ledgers on it.

Scene iii- club after the last show; lights up 

Scene iv-Cecilia’s house: tacky with lots of red velvet, a large window, some chairs, a sofa

Scene v-the club backstage, dim lighting, empty space with a few odds and ends: rope, piles of clothes, boxes, etc.

Scene vi-house rearranged to priest’s home; large desk before window, religious symbols

Scene vii-house, next day

Scene viii- hotel elevator (sideset)  A large box with two sliding panels for doors

Scene ix - house

Scene x-club

Sets:  Act II

Scene i-elevator

Scene ii-house {garden if desired}

Scene iii-house

Scene iv-house, later

Scene v-club

Scene vi-house

Scene vii-train station-bare stage with a few directional signs, a ticket kiosk, etc.

Scene viii-wedding chapel-bare stage with a simple altar, flowers, and chairs (brought on by the cast as they enter.)

Act I

Scene one: an illegal club in the last days of Prohibition. The Club “L”Egant  is owned by Liam O’Malley, head of the O’Malley Gang, such as it is. Seated at a table DR is LARKIN, watching the show in which BABY, BETTY, and BARBIE perform in costumes suited to the era and the director’s taste.  As the song ends, the girls go off except for BABY, who joins LARKIN.  WAITERS & CUSTOMERS come and go.

Larkin:  That was great, as usual, Baby. 

Baby:  Thanks, Michael.  We worked really hard on it. {She speaks automatically.}

Larkin:  Baby, did I do something wrong?

Baby:  Oh, Michael, I could never be mad at you. I just have something I need to work out.

Larkin:  Tell me all about it, honey.  I can fix anything.

Baby:  Not this time, you can’t.

Larkin:  Hey, would “Lucky” O’Malley depend on me if I couldn’t get things done?

{MRS. BECKER comes over, a sweet-looking old lady who is meaner than dirt.She carries a box of cigars, mints, and other small items for sale.}

Becker:  {In Michael’s face} Cigar?

Larkin:  {Patiently; he’s done this before.} No thanks, Mrs. Becker; I don’t smoke.

Becker:  Mint?

Larkin:  I bought some from you an hour ago.

Becker:  Flower for your girlfriend?

Larkin:  {Sigh}  Sure, I’ll buy a flower.  How much?

Becker:  A dollar.

Larkin:  A dollar!  I can get one down the street for a nickel!

Becker:  {Shouts} Cheapskate!  Skinflint! {Kicks LARKIN’s shins, beats at him.}

Larkin:  Mrs. Becker! Mrs. Becker! Here! Here’s a dollar; now calm down!

{SHE smiles and goes off.  As the scene progresses, she does the same to other tables in pantomime, throwing a fit, getting money and going happily on.}

Kokomo:  {Approaches table} Sorry, Mike. Old lady Becker got past me.

Larkin:  That’s okay, Kokomo. You can’t watch her all the time.

Kokomo:  If she wasn’t an old lady…{Pounds fist into hand} Nice number, Baby.

Baby:  Thanks, Kokomo.  {Thoughtful} Michael, I never asked before, but some of the girls say Lucky is a gangster.  Now I know this place sells booze, and that isn’t legal-

Larkin:  {Reciting his spiel} Prohibition unfairly withholds the right of the people to the libation of their choice. We provide recourse for those with the courage to stand against tyranny.

Baby:  Like I said, we serve illegal booze.

Larkin:  Right.

Kokomo:  It ain’t really illegal, it’s just booze that the law says we can’t serve.

Larkin:  That makes it illegal, Koko.

Kokomo:  {Dimly} Oh, I see.

Baby:  So are you gangsters?   Do you hurt people or rob banks like John Dillinger?

Larkin:  {Uncomfortable} Baby, if you really want me to answer, I will.

Kokomo:  Go ahead, Mike.  I wanna know if we’re like Dillinger, ‘cause I hear he’s a bad guy.

Baby:  Michael, we’re gonna be married, right?

Larkin:  You know it, Dollface.

Baby:  Then I need to know all about you.  I can keep a secret. {Crosses heart}

Larkin:  No matter what the secret is?

Baby:  {Emphatic} I’m not the smartest, Michael, but I am a True Blue Woman.

Larkin:  Okay. {Looks around first.} We are kinda like gangsters, but we ain’t really.

Baby:  I don’t get it.

Kokomo:  He said we’re kinda like gangsters, but we ain’t really gangsters. {Pause} I don’t get it neither.

Larkin:  Once Lucky was just a club owner with me as his right-hand man.  We were legit. 

Kokomo:  Yeah, people came to hear music and show off their fur coats, and...

Baby:  Kinda like now.

Kokomo:  Yeah.  Only without the gin.

Larkin:  Then this guy from Buffalo came into town, Willie Santini. 

Kokomo:  Yeah, Willie Santini-he was something!

Larkin:  Willie was looking to take over Maynard.  He threatened businessmen in town and beat up people who tried to stand up to him. 

Kokomo:  He even threatened to shoot old lady Becker over there.

Baby:  Our cigar lady?

Kokomo:  Yeah.  Not that a bullet wouldn’t improve her personality. 

Larkin:  But she’s one of our people, and it upset Lucky.

Baby:  So what’d he do?

Larkin:  What could we do?  Willie had a gang, and we had the same weird assortment we have now.    

Kokomo:  Lucky gives a lot of poor slobs employment, but they ain’t all efficient like Mike and me!  

Larkin:  Lucky arranged a meeting with Santini, who arrived with this mean-looking bodyguard. Willie started telling how he was gonna own the town and if we tried anything, we’d end up in a Great Lake-

Kokomo:  I remember!  That’s when Clarence came in!

Baby:  Who’s Clarence?

Larkin:  Clarence is a monkey Lucky used to have, a cute little guy, but into everything. 

Kokomo:  Clarence comes in and sits on the desk, and Willie says, “Look, it’s another Irishman; now there’s three of ’em!” 

Larkin:  We don’t know if Clarence didn’t like his voice or what, but that little monkey grabbed the bodyguard’s gun right out of the holster and shot Willie in the heart.

Baby:  Oh, my goodness!

Kokomo:  Then before we could stop him, Clarence shot the stooge with Willie, killed him too.

Baby:  What did you do?

Larkin:  We were scared.  We had two dead hoods and a gang ready to turn our little town to dirt. 

Kokomo:  But Mike here had a brilliant idea, and he convinced Lucky to go along.  We announced that Lucky had rubbed out Willie and had started his own gang.

Larkin:  Everybody in town either believes it or pretends to, letting on like they’re scared of us. 

Kokomo:  I think they kinda like the drama of it, y’know?

Larkin:  We started selling illegal booze to make our gang more convincing.  And we act like real bent-nose types. {Demonstrates}  

Kokomo:  That was years ago, and nobody from the big gangs has bothered us since. 

Baby:  So you’re gangsters who aren’t really gangsters!

Larkin:  {Pleased} That’s us. 

Baby:  What happened to Clarence? 

Larkin:  We sent him to a zoo in St. Louis.  When the cops questioned us about Willie’s death, we could honestly tell them that the one who did it is locked up for life. 

Kokomo:  We just didn’t tell them Clarence is a monkey!  Nobody around here liked Santini much anyway. {MRS. BECKER makes a fuss at a table toward the back.} Excuse me.  If she wasn’t an old lady I’d shoot her in the foot. 

{KOKOMO moves off to deal with her. As the scene continues, HE carries BECKER offstage. GUESTS move off, LIGHTS dim as the place closes.  BARBIE and BETTY enter.}

Barbie:  Hey, Baby!  The mayor loved the number!  He might come back again tomorrow.

Betty:  Now Barbie, you know that man is Mr. Smith from Seattle.  It couldn’t possibly be the mayor visiting an illegal gin joint!

Barbie:  Oh, right, Betty, I forgot.  Mr. Smith from Seattle says that I understand him much better than the mayor’s wife does. {THEY go off giggling}

Larkin:  I told you my story; aren’t you going to tell me yours?

Baby:  I don’t think you can help, but okay. {Big sigh}  I came here last year from Buffalo, right?

Larkin:  A lucky day for me!

Baby:   I came to attend Miss Mavis Allegan’s Fine Academy for Girls.

Larkin:  Who’s what?

Baby:  It’s a school where I was supposed to become a managerial assistant.

Larkin:  You?

Baby:  It was my sister’s idea.  But I always wanted to sing and dance.  So I-I-lied to my sister.

Larkin: {Begins to see} O-o-oh.  You told her you were going to this Miss Mabel’s-

Baby:  Mavis.  My sister thinks I spent the last 13 months learning to be a woman of business.

Larkin:  And if she knew you’re really a nightclub singer...

Baby:  {Sniffs} It would break her heart. Ellie is the loveliest, most genteel lady in the world, and she wants me to have a sophisticated, genteel life like hers!  

{WANDA enters with mop bucket, etc., cleaning up. SHE notices BABY’s tears and glares at LARKIN.}

Wanda:  Here, now, sweetie.  Has this big lug done somethin’ to upset you? Cuz if he did... 

Larkin:  No, Wanda, I didn’t do anything, honest!

Baby:  Wanda, it’s not Michael, really.

Wanda:  What’s the matter, then?

Baby:  It’s just...family problems.

Wanda:  I know all about that.  I’ve got a brother that drives me crazy.  But it’s like Edward, Prince of Wales used to tell me: you can’t let your family run your life.  I bet when Eddie is king he tells the whole royal family to go packing; he’s that kind of a guy.

Larkin:  Wanda, you’ve got a lot of work to do, and we need to talk.  Could you clean over there? 

Wanda:  Sure, sure.  This place ain’t so big, though, I’ll be done in two shakes.  Now when I used to work at the Paladium in London...

Baby:  You cleaned at the Paladium?   I hear it’s really something!

Wanda:  I didn’t exactly clean it, but never mind, I’m interrupting. {Exit} 

Larkin:  {Back to the point}  So you’ve been stringing your sister along.  Does this mean she doesn’t know about us getting married?

Baby:  Well, yes! I could never let marriage get in the way of my career!

Larkin:  So when were you gonna tell her?

Baby:  I don’t know!  But I got this letter today. {unfolds letter} She’s coming to visit!

Larkin:  {Takes letter and reads:} Dearest Sister Mildred: {Looks at Baby quizzically} Mildred?

Baby:  {Defensive} I would have told you before we got married.

Larkin:  Mildred.  I like it. 

Baby:  Do you really?

Larkin:  Yeah, I do-Millie! {Chucks her on the chin gently.}

Baby:  You can keep calling me Baby.  It’s better for my career on the stage.

Larkin:  {Reads}  “I’m pleased to write that I have business in Maynard which allows me to visit with you and your new employer, Father O’Meara.  I am anxious to meet him and his household since you’ve told me so much about them.” {Looks at BABY.}

Baby:  It was a one-year course, and I didn’t want to go home, so I told her I got a job with a priest.  I figured that would be safe.

Larkin:  ...And this priest has a household.

Baby:  Oh, yes, he’s very high up in the church, almost a bishop.  He has assistants, a chauffeur, a cook, a butler, a housekeeper, maid- 

Larkin:  No gardener?

Baby:  Uh, the gardener comes in once a week. {Defensive again} I had to make it good, or she’d want me to come home and take a job at the shipping company she runs.

Larkin:  But now she’s coming here.

Baby:  She’s gonna be so mad at me!  I’ll have to quit the club and go back to Buffalo!

Larkin:  Baby, you’re a grownup!  Tell your sister you’ll do as you like.

Baby:  You don’t understand!  Ellie gave up everything to give me a good start in life.  And I-I’m just a rat!  I deserve to live in Buffalo!

Larkin:  But what about us?

Baby:  There might not be any us, Michael.  I have to make things right with Ellie.

Larkin:  Look, we have a week.  Let me work on it. And try not to worry, okay, Lemon-drop?

Baby:  {Tries to smile.} Okay, Michael.  If you say so.

Larkin:  When Michael Larkin says he’ll think of something, bet on it.  {Exeunt}

BLACKOUT

Scene two-: Sideset: ELLIE’s office. SHE and PRUITT discuss plans for a trip.

Ellie:  We take the train Thursday morning at six fifteen.  Shall I send a car for you?

Pruitt:  Certainly not! I will walk.   It’s only twelve blocks. 

Ellie:  Pruitt, I can’t let you walk all that way lugging your suitcases.

Pruitt:   Suitcase!  No sense carrying a lot of extra baggage.  And I walk at least that far every morning anyway, as a constitutional. 

Ellie:  But carrying your suitcase...

Pruitt:  I will change hands after six blocks to get an equitable amount of exercise.

Ellie:  {Resigned} All right, Pruitt.  If that’s what you want.

Pruitt:  It is, thank you, Miss Tremaine.  I will be there at six sharp.

Ellie:  I hope things go well on this trip.  I’m anxious to see how my sister is doing.

Pruitt:  {Fondly} I hope this Father O’Meara appreciates what a jewel Mildred is.  After all, a priest is still a man, and therefore likely to be lacking in brain matter!

Ellie:  Millie says this one is beloved by the whole town.  He sounds like a nice old gentleman.

Pruitt:  The older, the better, I say.  Takes a little of the starch out of  ’em.

Ellie:  Work took up so much of my life that I feel I never paid enough attention to my sister. 

Pruitt:  You were young when you took over, and look how much you've done for the orphanage.

Ellie:  I didn’t have much choice.  It was part of the package.

Pruitt:  Despite working too hard, you’ve been wonderful to Mildred, who loves you very much.

Ellie:  I want her to be happy, whatever she does. Speaking of business, how did the Lawiers do?

Pruitt:  They phoned to say everything is going well.

Ellie:  Good.  I’ll want to see what they’ve got on Friday, after I see Millie.

Pruitt:  {Makes a note.} Now, you have a meeting with Councilman Carlson this afternoon.

Ellie:  Carlson, again?

Pruitt:  I believe he’s sweet on you!  It wouldn’t hurt to let a man take you out once in a while.  If you keep working all the time, you’re going to end up an old maid!

Ellie:  You never married, Pruitt, and you don’t mind it.  Do you?

Pruitt:  Oh, marriage wasn’t for me, but you’re still young!  Now Carlson is an idiot, but he may represent the best one can find in a male nowadays. {Ponders}  What ever happened to the real men: strong, rugged ones who aren’t afraid to let a woman know she’s attractive? {Back to business.} Carlson likes you, but he’s very slow about asking you to marry him.

Ellie:  Marry that pest?  Don’t make me laugh!  Can’t we tell him I’ve left town already?

Pruitt:  {Shakes her head.} A week early?  I’ll give him ten minutes then interrupt with an important call.

Ellie:  That would be great, Pruitt.  Thanks.  Buzz me when he arrives, and I’ll prepare a smile that looks genuine. {PRUITT leaves as ELLIE goes to work.} BLACKOUT

Scene three: The club is now closed.  LUCKY and LARKIN talk as LUCKY counts money.  LARKIN paces.  KOKOMO cleans his nails with a huge knife.

Larkin:  So Baby spent most of the night crying, and she says we can’t get married. 

Lucky:  That’s too bad.  She’s a great kid, and you two look good together.

Kokomo:  This sister sounds like an old prune! 

Larkin:  Yeah.  {Sticks his nose in the air.} She wouldn’t approve of Baby singing in a club.  I’d like to tell that dame what I think of people who look down on other people!

Kokomo:  Yeah.  If an honest living ain’t good enough for her...

Lucky:  Singing in a speakeasy might not be an honest living to some, boys.

Kokomo:  I think Baby does a swell job.  Maybe if her sister saw the show, she would enjoy it.

Lucky:  Enjoy seeing her sister inappropriately dressed with a bunch of drunks leering at her?

Kokomo:  Well, half of her is dressed very nice, I think, don’t you?

Lucky:  If a solid citizen sent her sister to finishing school and thought that same sister was employed by an important priest as his trusted assistant, finding her singing at Club “L”egant in fishnet stockings might be difficult to enjoy. 

Larkin:  I guess.  {WANDA enters, cleaning up}   I wish this sister would stay in Buffalo. Baby says it’s a miracle she’s taking time off for this trip.   

Lucky:  Big Sister isn’t going to like it when she learns that I’m not a priest and you’re not an assistant priest. {Goes back to his ledger.}

Wanda:  I knew this priest once, when I was working at La Scala in Italy.  He was a reformed criminal, used to be a real terror, but he made a great priest, mabye ‘cause he understood human weaknesses, having given in to most of the deadly sins at one time or another.  

Larkin:  Thanks, Wanda, but we’re not dealing with deadly sins, just a little white lie.

Wanda:  The trouble with white lies is that they turn kinda dingy and soon you’ve got a little dirty lie, which is always more trouble than it’s worth. {EXIT}

Larkin:  {After a long pause} I’ll bet you could be a priest.

Lucky:  Right.

Larkin:  Really.  You talk good, and you were raised so Catholic you could say mass half asleep.

Lucky:  So what’s your point?

Larkin:  What if you pretended to be this Father O’Meara? 

Lucky:  What are you talking about, Mike?   Are you crazy?

Kokomo:  Lucky O’Malley a priest!  That’ll be the month!

Larkin:  It’s only for a few days!  We pretend to be these people that Baby made up, we impress the sister, she goes home happy, and we go back to running a speakeasy.

Lucky:  No.  It is not possible.  I don’t want to be a priest.  If I’d wanted to be a priest, my mother would have died a happy woman, but I don’t. 

Larkin:  I’m not asking you to take a vow of celibacy, for cryin’ out loud.  Although the hours you work, you might as well.  You never have any fun.

Lucky:  I have plenty of fun.

Larkin:  Tell me the last time you had a date.

Lucky:  Uh...Last Saturday night.  I had a date with Katie Kennedy.

Larkin:  Which you broke when the shipment was late and we had to unload it ourselves.

Lucky:  Well, I had a date! 

Larkin:  What do you say, Lucky?  Be Father O’Meara, just for a few days.  A busy priest would only see the sister once or twice.  Kokomo and I can do most of it, can’t we, pal?

Kokomo:  Oh, sure. I wouldn’t miss this one for the world!

Lucky:  What about the rest of it: the maid, the house, and all?

Larkin:  I’ll handle it.  I promise, you’ll hardly notice what’s going on.  I’ll borrow a few of the guys, a couple of the girls,...oh, and we’ll need a house, something classy, not yours...

Lucky:  {Indignant} What?

Larkin:   Lucky, your house is not suitable for a man of the cloth.  What do you think of Cecilia’s place?

Kokomo:  Cecilia’s?  Larkin, that place is a -

Larkin:  {Interrupting} -very nice dwelling.  If we removed a few pictures and changed the lampshades, it would look pretty classy!

Lucky:  And how are you going to get Cecilia to let you borrow her house?

Larkin:  ...I was thinking maybe you could ask her.

Lucky:  Me!  Larkin, she looks at me like a fat girl looks at a banana split!

Larkin:  Tell you what.  You arrange this for me, and I’ll think of a way to get Cecilia off your trail.  You know I can do it; I’m the fix-it guy.

Lucky:  It would be almost worth it. {Reluctantly}  Okay, I’ll ask Cecilia to move out for a few days.

Larkin:  Lucky, this is just great.  You won’t be sorry!

Lucky:  Buddy, I already am.  Just give me the details. I don’t want to have to visit Cecilia more than once.  {Shaking head} This sister of Baby’s must be a real doozy!

BLACKOUT

Scene four-LUCKY waits in the parlor of a lovely but over-decorated home.  Obviously very nervous, he picks things up and  puts them back.  CECILIA enters.  She is very attractive and not shy.

Cecilia:  Liam, darling! {She crosses to him, arms outstretched. LUCKY dives behind a chair.}

Lucky:  Hello, Cecilia. How are you?

Cecilia:  I’m marvelous, as usual.  It’s wonderful to see you.

Lucky:  Yeah, you too. 

Cecilia:  Sit here. {Pats couch beside her.}  I’ll have Mandrake bring us something to drink.

{MANDRAKE, an exotic-looking servant, hulks about as the scene continues, offering LUCKY various items which he refuses: cigars, cigarettes, candy, gum, etc.}

Lucky:  {Sits in a chair opposite.}  No, thanks.  I uh-I don’t drink.

Cecilia:  The owner of the hottest nightclub in Maynard doesn’t drink?

Lucky:  Just never developed a taste for the stuff.

Cecilia:  What do you drink at the club?

Lucky:  {Smiles ruefully} Iced tea, usually.  It prevents a lot of questions.

Cecilia:  Iced tea, then, Mandrake dear. {Sits on the arm of Lucky’s chair.}  Well, Liam O’Malley, what can I do for you?

Lucky:  I need a house-a certain type of house-for about four days.  I know it’s a lot to ask, but I’d like to borrow this place from Friday until next Monday.

Cecilia:  You want to stay here?  Sweetie, that is not a problem-

Lucky:  I need the whole house. {Pause, SHE looks confused.}  I’d put you up in a very nice hotel. 

Cecilia:  Liam, what is this all about?

Lucky:  It’s just that Baby’s sister-you know Baby, my singer at the club?

Cecilia:  {Sarcastically} Yes. Beauty, undeniable. Brain, undetectable.

Lucky:  Well, yeah, that’s her.  Her sister is coming to visit, and I gather she’s quite a terror.  Baby’s told her she has a legit job working for a priest, and we’re going to try to convince the sister that it’s for real.

Cecilia:  I see.  And you are going to play the part of...?

Lucky: {Reluctantly} ...the priest.

Cecilia:  {Laughs} Liam “Lucky” O’Malley as a priest?  That’s a good one!

Lucky:  I don’t know how I got talked into this, but Baby’s a good kid. The sister may drag her back to Buffalo if she learns she’s a nightclub singer, which would kill Mike Larkin. 

Cecilia:  And a happy employee is an efficient employee, right?

Lucky:  You’re catching on.

Cecilia:  Liam, you’re too kind-hearted to be a gangster.  You’d better hope no one outside of Maynard ever finds that out.

Lucky:  Yeah, we’ve been lucky so far in that department.

Cecilia:  Look, I once lived in Chicago and I know how it is when the goons take over.  Maynard’s been peaceful since you started your so-called gang.

Lucky:  It isn’t worth it for the out-of-town thugs to make the trip.

Cecilia:  Hey, we all remember when Santini made the trip.  You sure took care of him.

Lucky:  {Nervous laugh} Yeah. We sure did.  Me and Dead-Eye Clarence!

Cecilia:  Yes, that Clarence must have been some guy!  What ever happened to him?

Lucky:  {Briskly} He’s locked up down in St. Louis. 

Cecilia:  Bet you miss him.

Lucky:  That’s why I’d like to keep Larkin happy. I can’t afford to lose another-uh-helper.

Cecilia:  Liam, I could never say no to you.  You can have my house as long as you need it.

Lucky:  I’ll have to move a few things around, okay?

Cecilia:  Sure, sure, no problem.  There is one condition, though.

Lucky:  {Warily}  Oh? What’s that, Cecilia?

Cecilia:  I stay.

Lucky:  You stay?

Cecilia:  I stay.  I want to watch this charade.  It will be very interesting, you playing a priest and all.  I won’t make any trouble, but it is MY house.

Lucky:  But how is a priest going to explain a...woman such as yourself living in his home?

Cecilia:  I’m sure Larkin will think of something.  Isn’t that what he does?  Fix things?

Lucky:  Yeah, that’s what he does.  {To himself} I can vouch for that.  He sure fixed me this time!

BLACKOUT

Scene five: At the club, backstage. LARKIN looks through the curtain.  EARS sidles up next to him. He is a nervous man who has newly joined the gang and wants to be Somebody. 

Ears:  Hey, Larkin, how’s tricks?

Larkin:  Hey yourself, Ears.  How are you getting on as the newest employee of Club “L”egant?

Ears:  I am fittin’ in pretty good, Mike.  Gettin’ to know the aborigines and all.

Larking:   Excuse me?

Ears:  The aboriginies-you know, [quotes}  “the native or in-dig-e-nous people of a geographical area”. {LARKIN frowns in confusion.}  Since this place is a lot classier than my last job, I’m workin’ on my vocabulary. {Holds up dictionary}  I’m halfway through the A’s now!  In six months, you won’t have to worry about me embarrassing the rest of youse with my lousy lexicography.

Larkin:  I see.  Good for you, Ears. {Peeps through curtain again.}

Ears:  What ya lookin’ for, Mike?

Larking:  Watching the crowd.  Some guy at the eight o’clock show gave the girls a bad time.

Ears:  You want I should teach him a lesson?

Larkin:  That won’t be necessary.

Ears:  I could lean on him just a little.

Larkin:  {Patiently} It’s okay.

Ears:  I could just stand next to him and glare.

Larkin:  Not necessary.

{Mrs. Becker totters by with her tray, looking innocent.}

Ears:  I could send Mrs. Becker over to sell him something.

Becker:  Do your own work, Dirtbag!  {SHE totters off.}

Larkin:  I’ll talk to the guy.

Ears:  Is that all anybody does around here? I been here three months now, and all we ever do is talk.  A guy’s disrespectful, we talk to him; guy gets rowdy, we talk to him; even the guy we caught cheating at cards-we just talked to him.  Don’t we lean on people in this gang?

Larkin:  Uh-sure, Ears. Just maybe not as often as you’re used to in Buffalo.  We’re a small operation, so we try harder to be nice.

Ears:  Strange gang!  {Raises a hand"} It’s okay, though!  Youse are good people to work with, and I like it here.  Less chance of gettin’ offed than any gang I ever worked for.  {Proudly} You’re all very amiable.

Larkin:  Thanks, Ears.  Who’d you work for in Buffalo again?

Ears:  First I worked for Willie Santini, but you guys up here took care of him.  No hard feelin’s though. I never even met the guy.

Larkin:  I understand he had quite an organization.

Ears:  Yeah, Willie was smart, hid the hooch at this orphanage he ran.  The church ladies thought Willie was a saint, helping the orphans, and all the time he was usin’ the place to cover his bootlegging. 

Larkin:  Didn’t the orphans wonder what was going on?

Ears:  What do kids know?  We let ‘em help load the trucks, gave ‘em each a nickel when they was done.  

Larkin:  Very generous of you.

Ears:  Hey, they was orphans.  My ma might be a gun-toting, bank-robber, but at least I got a ma, y’know?

Larkin:  What do you get her for Mother’s Day, ammunition?

Ears:  She’s retired.  Her eyesight ain’t so good and she can’t see to drive a getaway car.

Larkin:  Too bad, to have to give up her career like that.

Ears:  You got that.  Anyway, when Willie died I worked for Shapiro in Jersey till he got sent up the river. 

Larkin:  Crazy Sal, yeah, I’ve heard of him. 

Ears:  I thought about going back to Buffalo.  The old gang got taken over by Louie Somebody; they call him Big Louie.  He does strictly bootlegging.  Moved the operation away from the orphans, too, I heard.

Larkin:   A gangster with a heart, huh?

Ears:  I guess, but I’m closer to Ma here.   She ain’t gettin’ any younger, and she likes to have me nearby, kinda in her ambience, y’ know?

Larkin:  That’s nice.  Takin’ care of your mother like that.

Wanda:  {Comes by with a mop.}  Some idiot spilled sarsaparilla all over the floor; it’s kinda like walkin’ on flypaper.  {Starts off, then stops, remembering.}  I was walking out with the guy who invented flypaper, but my father wouldn’t let me see him anymore after while.  Claimed he’d never amount to anything.  Now he’s got millions.

Ears:  And you mop up after tipsy customers.  Daddy didn’t do you a favor there, Wanda.

Wanda:  I work here because I want to!  It’s peaceful and people leave me alone.  Nobody asks questions about my private life or tells lies about what I wear to bed!  {Stalks off.} 

Ears:  Yeah, like who would care? {Remembering something}  Hey! I heard from a friend back in Buffalo last week that this Big Louie is lookin’ for new territory.

Larkin:  {Not interested}| Really.

Ears:  Yeah, my buddy heard ’em mention Maynard.

Larkin:  {Interested now.}  Really?

Ears:  Yeah.  My friends said two of Louie’s guys are here right now, lookin’ at real estate.

Larkin:   Real estate?

Ears:  Big Louie wants a nice house.  I guess he’s moving out of the big city.

Larkin:  Retiring, maybe?

Ears:  Nah, Louie ain’t very old, and he’s a hard worker: never goofs off, never gets sick...

Larkin:  So why buy property in Maynard that he won’t use?

Ears:  I’m guessin’ he plans to use it, all right.

Larkin:  Lucky isn’t going to like this!  Ears, see what you can find out.

Ears:  Sure thing, boss.  I’ll talk to my pal again and get back with ya.

Becker:  {Enters with her box of goods.}  Cigar?

Larkin:  Oh, no.  Not now, Mrs. Becker.  I don’t have any money on me.

Becker:   Mint?

Larkin:  I haven’t got any money.  I’ll give you two dollars tomorrow.

Becker:  Flower?

Ears:  Hey, Lady, you heard the guy.  Beat it!

Becker:  Loser! Miser!  Stingy man! {SHE attacks both men.}

Ears:   {Picks her up as SHE flails and kicks.} You want I should throw her out, Michael? {LARKIN shakes his head as BECKER continues to yell.} I’ll just set her somewhere else. {Pause} If Louie tries to muscle in, will we have a gang war?

Larkin:  I hope not. {EARS exits with Mrs. Becker still kicking, and Larkin speaks to himself.} ‘Cause we wouldn’t know the first thing about having one, not to mention winning it! { EXIT as BABY, BARBIE, and BETTY enter, robes over their costumes.}

Baby:  So Michael arranged a swell house, and Lucky’s going to be the priest.  Michael will be his assistant, and the guys will be the staff, you know: chauffeur, butler, all that.

Barbie:  Sounds like fun.

Betty:  Yeah, like when you were a kid and played dress-up.

Baby:  I’m glad you think so, because I need you girls, too.  One of you will be the maid, and the other one will be my personal assistant. {Embarrassed} I told my sister I had a secretary.

Barbie:  I’ll be the secretary.

Betty:  Why can’t I be the secretary?

Barbie:  Because you can’t even spell “secretary”, that’s why.

Betty:  {Defeated for a moment, SHE has an inspiration.} Then you spell it, Miss Smarty Pants.

Barbie:   S-E-C-R-{mouthing} secretary, sec-re-tary, S-E-C-R-A-T-E-R-R-Y! Secretary.

Betty:  {Resigned} Okay, I’ll be the maid.

Baby:  Thanks, girls!   I knew I could count on you!  Now we’ll start our lessons. 

Both:  Lessons?!

Baby:  You can’t work in the household of a very important priest without proper deportment.

Betty:  What’s deportment?

Baby:  The way you act, the way you speak, the way you dress, all that.

Barbie:  And we ain’t proper?

Baby:  We need a little work to make the right impression on my sister, that’s all. 

Barbie:  What’s your sister do that she’s so high and mighty?

Baby:  She’s in the import business, but it isn’t that.  Ellie does everything with class.

Betty:  She sounds scary.

Baby:  She’s very nice, really, just upright.  And she’s not dumb, and she’ll know if we goof up.

Betty:  So who’s going to teach us how to act proper...ly?

Baby:  Me and Lucky- I mean, Lucky and I will.  I did go to that finishing school for a month, and Lucky knows a lot about how to talk and dress.

Both:  {Dreamily} He sure does!

Baby:  I’m going to ask some of the other girls to visit the house, like they were parishioners.

Betty:  Be careful, Baby!  Some of them girls aren’t very smart!

Barbie:  Yeah, they could mess up everything!

Baby:   We’ve got to convince Ellie that Father O’Meara is the greatest priest ever, and I’m lucky to have a job with him.

Barbie:  Lucky-ha, ha-Lucky, get it?

{The rest of the group assembles to practice their roles. KOKOMO wears a chauffeur’s uniform. LARKIN has found two cassocks.}

Lucky:  Okay. You work for a priest, so you need to be calm, serene and soft-spoken; get it?

All:  {Each person does his/her version of it.} Calm.  Serene.  Soft-spoken.

Lucky:  Kokomo, let’s start with chauffeuring.  You meet Miss Tremaine at the station.  You take the bags and say, “Good evening, Miss Tremaine.  Allow me to escort you to the car.”

Kokomo:  {Parrotlike} Good evenin’, Miz Tremaine.  Allow me to escort youse to the car.

Lucky:  You, you!

Kokomo:  Who, me?

Lucky:  The word is you, not “youse”.  Allow me to escort you to the car.

Kokomo:  But there’s two of ‘em coming, Boss, so ain’t they yous?

Lucky:  No, just one you will do it.

Kokomo:  Okay.   I’ll tell her what a great car ya got: leather interior...

Lucky:  No, don’t talk about the car.

Kokomo:  I can tell her what an important guy you are...

Lucky:  No, don’t talk about me, either.

Kokomo:  I could tell her about all the hot spots in town...

Lucky:  Kokomo?

Kokomo:  Yeah, boss?

Lucky:  You look really good, so we’re just going to stick with that.  Limit your remarks to: “Yes, ma’am”, “No, ma’am”, “I don’t know. I’ll go check”.  Can you do that?

Kokomo:  {Practices} Yes, ma’am, No ma’am, I don’t know. I’ll go check. Yeah, I can do that. {HE goes on practicing silently, nodding and smiling.}

Lucky:  Good.  {LUCKY turns to speak to LARKIN; MRS. BECKER wanders in, bumps into KOKOMO.}

Becker:  Get outta the way, ya big moose!  {He hurries off.  SHE sees the girls.} What are you  bimbos lookin’ at?  {THEY turn away. SHE moves to LUCKY.} Good day, Mr. O’Malley.

Lucky:  Mrs. Becker!  How’s the sweetest girl I know?

Becker:  {Giggles} Lovely, Mr. O’Malley.  Is there anything I can do to help?

Lucky:  No, dear lady, I wouldn’t ask.  You work so hard as it is!

Becker:  If you need anything, just sing out, dearie! {SHE moves off toward LARKIN and LUCKY turns away.}   Move it, Slick, or I’ll lay you out like a rug. {HE moves. EXIT}

Kokomo:  {To LARKIN}  If she wasn’t an old lady, I’d give her a sock in the eye.

Lucky:  Now Mike, I mean, Brother Michael. You are a priest in training.

Larkin:  Yeah? {He is leaning on something.}

Lucky:  The correct way to answer is “Yes, Father”.  Practice so you get used to it. You’ll be with Miss Tremaine the most; watch your grammar carefully, stand up straight-no slouching, no leaning {LARKIN stands up}-and cultivate a priestly manner.

Larkin:  Priestly, huh?

Lucky:  A man of the cloth should be peaceful to be around, should inspire confidence and radiate warmth. {LARKIN practices his version of priestliness, which resembles illness.}

Wanda:  {Enters.}  Lucky, I hear you need turn these sows’ ears into silk purses.  Can I help?

Ears:  Yeah, I’ll bet you know a lot about entertaining classy people from the big city.  

Wanda:  Young man, I know more about class than you could learn in three lifetimes with six dictionaries!  {To LUCKY} I’ve made a list of  possible menus, table settings, that kind of thing.

Lucky:  Gee, thanks, Wanda.  That was nice of you.

Wanda:  Think nothing of it. {Consults list.} Now when the Sultan of Brunei has a banquet, he always seats the guests this way-{shows LUCKY a diagram.}

Lucky:  {Being polite} That’s good to know.  {Pockets list.} I’ll take a look at this later,  got to work with this bunch while I’ve got them together.  But thanks for your help.   {WANDA leaves, shaking her head}

Ears:  The Sultan of Brunei!  She don’t even know the Sultan of Swat!

Lucky:  Now, ladies, who’s the secretary?

Barbie:  I am.

Lucky:  Watch your grammar,  no makeup and wear your hair in a bun.  Do you have a long black skirt?

Barbie:  Are you kidding?

Lucky:  Larkin, get Barbie a long skirt, something discreet, and a blouse with a high collar.

Barbie:  Gee, I shoulda been the maid! {BETTY grins.}

Lucky:  Betty, you’ll need a plain black dress, a white apron, and a cap that covers your hair.

Betty:  Sounds disgusting.

Lucky:  Priests who care about their reputations don’t hire attractive females for their house staff.  Now let’s see you walk.

Barbie & Betty:  Walk?

Lucky:  Just walk around.  Baby, -uh Mildred, will instruct you.  {GIRLS walk in their usual way.}

Baby:  No, no, don’t move your rear.  Move your legs straight forward so your hips don’t swing.

Barbie:  In other words like I’m from that finishing school Baby hated so much?

Lucky:  {Interrupts} Just practice.  Practice!

Barbie:  Oh, all right, but this ain’t gonna be any fun at all!

Lucky:  It isn’t going to be fun.  Speak like a proper secretary.

Barbie:  Now I remember why I work in a club.  I never wanted to be a proper secretary!

Betty:  And I never wanted to be a maid, either!  Proper or im!

Lucky:  Keep walking. It’ll be over in four days; we can stand being proper that long, can’t we?

All:  NO!

{LUCKY exits.  LIGHTS DOWN while the set is changed to “Father O’Malley’s” home. At one side SPOTLIGHT on a pantomime.  Behind a screen, BETTY and BARBIE change into their maid & secretary outfits, handed to them by LARKIN with much dismay shown by the GIRLS.  BETTY at the last refuses to put on the ugly cap she is given. LARKIN jams it on her head and they all go off, the girls L. in anger, LARKIN R in disgust.}

BLACKOUT

Scene six -The living room of Cecilia’s home has been transformed into an office with refectory table, crucifix and other items that suggest a rectory. LUCKY is pacing in front of the desk, wearing a clerical collar and black suit.  EARS is sprawled in a chair wearing a cook’s white coat and hat.

Ears:  I dunno why I hadda be the cook. If I hafta be an ancillary, I woulda looked real good as the chauffeur. Black is a good color for me. 

Lucky:  You look fine.

Ears:  What are you so nervous about?  All you gotta do is meet the dame and be charming for ten minutes. It’s the rest of us that gotta spend all the time with her.

Lucky:  That’s right. This won’t take long.  I can pretend I have to go out and do a funeral or something. {Reassures himself} It will only be a few minutes.

Ears:  By the way, I talked to my friend. Big Louie’s two goons was talkin’ about poisonin’ somebody.

Lucky:  Poison?

Ears:  Yeah, they bought some arsenic.  Said that would be the easiest way to “get rid of the whole bunch of  them”. You don’t suppose WE could be THEM, do ya, Lucky?

Lucky:  No, I’m sure it’s something else.

Ears:  {Holding his throat.} I’d sure hate to die of poison.  It’s so...impersonal.

Lucky:  Quiet. I hear them coming. 

{LUCKY sits behind the desk and takes up a pen.  EARS stands. The door is opened by KOKOMO, in uniform. BABY, ELLIE, PRUITT, and LARKIN enter then KOKOMO follows, arms full of suitcases, and stands at attention.}

Kokomo:  Miss Tremaine, Monsignor, with her sister, Miss Tremaine and…and another doll. 

Lucky:  {Doesn’t  look up.} Thank you, Kohl.  Please put the ladies’ bags in their rooms.

Kokomo:  Yes, Monsignor.

{HE exits behind PRUITT. As he passes her, SHE gasps.{LUCKY finally looks up and sees ELLIE, who is staring at him. There is immediate chemistry between them.}

Lucky:  {Stands} Miss Tremaine?

Ellie:  {Offers her hand.} Father O’Meara?  I was expecting someone older.

Lucky:  I was expecting someone...{holds her hand too long; can’t think of an ending-just stares at her. Pruitt finally intervenes by nudging Ellie gently.}

Ellie:  Uh, this is Miss Pruitt, my personal assistant and longtime family friend.

Pruitt:  Father.  I myself am Presbyterian, raised to believe the pope is the devil himself, but I hope we may be friends nevertheless.  {Shakes his hand firmly.  LUCKY is thunderstruck, so LARKIN steps in.}

Larkin:  Miss Tremaine, Miss Pruitt, this is Father O’Meara’s cook, Ear..Earwig-uh, Ehrvig.

Ellie:  (Still looking at LUCKY) How do you do?

Ears:  {In his best German accent, which is awful.} Frawlines-I am wery pleesed to mit ya.

Pruitt:  How do you do?  Are you from the old country?

Ears:  Which old country iss that?

Pruitt:  Why, Germany, of course.

Ears:  Oh offf course.  I am from that old country.  Very old, my country. 

Baby:  {A gentle reminder} Monsignor O’Meara...Father...my sister’s had a very long trip.

Lucky:  {Coming to.} Oh, yes!  My mind wandered for a moment to a-wedding I have to perform. 

Ellie:  Thank you for inviting us into your home.  

Lucky:  Mildred is a valued employee.  You must visit anytime you like.

Ellie:  Thank you.  Now, we will not take up more of your time.   I know you’re very busy.

Lucky:  Busy?  No, no, not at all. 

Ellie:  But...didn’t you just say you had a wedding to perform?

Lucky:  What?  Oh, yes.  The wedding.  I’ll just postpone it.

Ellie:  Excuse me?

Lucky:  I mean, I’ll have to postpone dinner, but if you’d like to join me, we could dine at eight.   I mean, all of us could dine together. Tonight.  At eight. {Looks at Ears.} Couldn’t we? 

Ears:  {Momentarily confused} Dinner?  Dinner?  {Remembering} Ah, yess! Dinner! Yess offf course ve can haff dinner at eight o’clock.  Offf course!

Lucky:  Ladies?

Ellie:  Why, yes, we’d love to.  It’s just that Mildred warned us what a busy man you are...

Lucky:  I guess I’m just “lucky” to have the night off.  Till dinner, then.

{LARKIN, with a confused look at LUCKY, starts to take the ladies out, but they are blocked by CECILIA, in a housekeeper’s outfit.  She is still stunning, and obviously very female, plus she’s wearing feathered, high-heeled slippers, and MANDRAKE shadows her. Everyone stands amazed for a moment.}

Cecilia:  Monsignor, the rooms are prepared for your guests.

Lucky:  Umm, ladies, this is my...housekeeper, Mrs. Muldoon, and her…assistant, Mandrake.  They will show you to your rooms.

Ellie:  Thank you. {EXIT ELLIE, BABY & PRUITT preceding CECILIA, who throws LUCKY an impish look, waves slyly, and follows}

Lucky:  {Prayerfully} Heaven save us all.

Larkin & Ears:  Amen!  

BLACKOUT

Scene seven: “Father’s” house the next day; LUCKY wanders aimlessly, humming.  EARS enters, notes his dreamy behavior, and chuckles to himself.

Ears:  Boss-Boss!

Lucky:  {Comes to} Oh, hello, Ears.  Please, try to remember to call me Father.

Ears:  Right.  Und I must keep my Cherman achsent!

Lucky:  {To himself} Or get one!  Anybody at the club complain that our headliners are missing?

Ears:  Well...The customers weren’t happy when we announced that Baby has laryngitis-

Lucky:  That Michael always has a story. 

Ears:  It just ain’t the same with Gigi and Lily.  Nice girls, but singers they ain’t.  The crowd got  restless. I don’t know what’s gonna happen tonight-maybe- {Pauses, at a loss, then consults his dictionary} anarchy!

Lucky:  {With a sigh}