Can You Hear Me Now? 

A comedy in three acts

By 

Edgar E. Eaton

Can You Hear Me Now

 Copyright 2003

All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW is subject to a royalty.  It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union.  All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign language are strictly reserved. 

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Cast

Amy Tucker  Young woman, co-owner of A&W Service, a gas station she operates with her sister, Wendy. These are two women making a living in what many consider a “man’s world” but their father taught them to work on cars as teenagers and now they do it as well or better than any men around.

Wendy Tucker Amy’s sister, co-owner of A&W Service, earned a doctorate in U.S. history, but finds she can make more money in business with her sister than she can teaching history.

Burton Holdup man, down on his luck.  He has lost his job and his wife has left him.  He is  struggling to support himself and his little boy.  The Tucker sisters come to his rescue.  He later dates Amy.  

Joy  Young lady dropping by the service station looking for a root beer float

Ernie Seegmiller Motorcycle rider who just sticks his head in the door in the first act but later comes back to flirt with Wendy.  He is a Polyanna type guy who doesn’t smoke, drink or swear and loves Disney movies. The sisters like him. He later dates Wendy.

Tom Johnson  A young man interested in golf, cars, and girls, not necessarily in that order.  It depends on the girls. 

Man on Telephone  This walkon part can be played by a different  community icon each night the play is presented.  This is a great opportunity to have fun with the play that will bring back patrons who have already seen the play before.  It is a small part but very important. 

Tony the Tiger Kennedy  Used car salesman, flashy dresser.  

Justina and Laura McKinstry  Two elderly women who stop to get their car,  an extinct Tucker, washed at the gas station fund raiser. 

Mary Swift  A daily columnist for the local paper. She can be any age, 30 and up.  She writes about “good news” in the community.  

Allen Bates  A billionaire philanthropist who, with his wife, has a large foundation that does much good.  This couple can be any age, 35 and up.

Dorothy Bates  Allen Bates’ wife, a wonderful down-to-earth woman who loves people.

Mayor The mayor of Black Diamond.  He can be an adult age.

Teenager  A bit part right at the end of the play for a teenager, boy or girl.  He comes in on a unicycle but if you have no unicycle or any actor who can ride one, the part could be done on solid ground.  

Scene

The office of A&W Service, a gas sation. It has a counter, cash register, supply of things sold in gas stations like oil, candy, nuts, etc.  There is a front door in the middle of the set at the back and a side door going out to the garage. 

Time Today

Act I     Scene 1

JOY: (Coming in the front door)  I would like an A&W sugar free Root Beer float.  A&W has the best sugar free root beer made.  How much is a float?

AMY:  I would like a float, too.  It’s hot today.  If you find one any place in Black Diamond, find out how much they are and let me know.

JOY:  Isn’t this A&W service?

AMY:  That’s correct.

JOY:  Well, what’s the problem?  You don’t have sugar free?

AMY:  I think we might in the soda pop machine outside.  That would be 75 cents but you don’t get ice cream with it. 

JOY:   (She looks around and suddenly realizes that she is not in a fast food outlet selling hamburgers, sundaes, and root beer floats.)  I’m sorry.  I thought this was an A&W stand.  Forgive me. 

WENDY:  Forgive us.  When we named our service station A&W Service we were afraid me might have some people thinking we sell hamburgers, milk shakes, and floats. But I’m Wendy and this is my sister Amy – W and A or A and W.  Amy’s the oldest so she gets first billing. 

AMY:  I get first billing because I’m the best looking. 

JOY:  I would guess you are listed first because A is the first letter alphabetically. 

WENDY:  That means if my sisters Missy, Lorraine and Corky and my brothers Carl, Lloyd and even Wendall were in the business, I’d still be listed last. 

AMY:  Would you like some crackers and cheese with your whine?

WENDY:  No, but a root beer float would be nice. 

JOY:  I guess that means I’m not going to get a root beer float, doesn’t it?

AMY:  But could we interest you in a lube job, gas, or brake adjustment?

JOY:  I’m on a bike. I get fantastic gas mileage. 

WENDY:  We have free air. 

JOY:  No thanks.  I’d better get going.  I’ll stop by the library and see if I can get a root beer float there. 

AMY:  Sugar free?

JOY:  I guess it doesn’t have to be sugar free but I really would like a root beer float. 

WENDY:  At the library?

JOY:  I really don’t care where I get it.  Is there a sports bar closer?

AMY:  There’s a Wendy’s around the corner. 

JOY:  But they don’t have A&W

WENDY:  But the library or a sports bar does?

JOY:  A library has everything from A to Z.  That includes A&W. 

AMY:  And a sports bar?

JOY:  I don’t care if they have root beer floats.  I just go there to hit on guys.  Bye. 

(She exits)

AMY:  There goes a winner.  Maybe it’s good thing she was on a bike.  If she was in a car, she might have asked for sugar free regular.

WENDY:  We only have sugar free in high octane gas. 

AMY:  She would have never understood that.  I don’t understand that. 

WENDY:  Actually, we don’t do a lot of business with bikers.

ERNIE:  (He is a motorcycle rider decked out in his leather jacket and pants.)

You asked for a biker?  Got any free air? 

`AMY:  I’m not going to touch that with a ten-foot pogo stick. 

WENDY:  It’s right at the end of the building. 

ERNIE:  (He takes off.)

WENDY:  It’s sugar free. 

(ERNIE sticks his head back into the door and looks at Wendy, then Amy, with a question mark over his head, like in the comics.)

AMY:  Inside joke. 

ERNIE:  Oh . . . right.  (He leaves.)

AMY:  Maybe we shouldn’t rock their boat when we know they’re in Hell’s Angels.

`WENDY:  He wasn’t in Hell’s Angels. 

AMY:  How do you know? 

WENDY:  Because he had no tattoos, wasn’t smoking anything, and his bike had training wheels. 

AMY:  You’re very observant, Sis.  Now why don’t you go change the transmission in the BMW?

WENDY:  Coffee break is over already?

AMY:  You don’t drink coffee, Wendy. 

WENDY:  And you don’t have sugarfree root beer?

AMY:  Get back to work!

WENDY:  Right. 

AMY:  Now maybe I can get some work done. 

WENDY:  (Sticking her head back in the door)  Was I changing the transmission in the BMW or the Volkswagon convertible?

AMY:  (She throws a garage rag at Wendy who laughs and retreats to the garage.)  The BMW.  On the Volkswagon you have to take that engine you put in the trunk and put it in the BACK of the car.

WENDY:  (Offstage)  Why would I put it in the back?

AMY:  Are you sure you’re not the girl who was just in here looking for a root beer float?

WENDY:  (Sticking her head in the door)  You got me a root beer float?

AMY:  (She throws a copy of People magazine at her)

Back to work!

WENDY:  (There is a brief pause)  (Offstage)  Did you know Liza Minelli is getting a divorce?

AMY

I don’t care if Bill Clinton is getting a divorce.  Get back to work!  I didn’t give you the  magazine to read. I was trying to hit you with it. 

WENDY:  (Sticking her head in the door)  Is Bill Clinton getting a divorce?

AMY:  You have the magazine. 

WENDY:  Then don’t go starting rumors.  (After a pause)  Oh here it is.  He’s marrying Roseanne Barr. 

AMY:  Wendy!

WENDY:  (Offstage)  Right.  The BMW.  I got it. (A pause again)  Did you say the motor goes in the trunk?

(Before Wendy can reply BURTON walks in with a toy pistol and a handkerchief around the lower part of his face.  He is very unsure of himself.)

BURTON:  This is a holdup, lady.  Er . . . ah . . . Empty that cash register into this bag. (He has a bag, could even be a bag from A&W or Toys R Us)

AMY:  Excuse me?

BURTON:  (Raising his voice, trying to sound tough, but is unconvincing)

I said gimme your cash.  Haven’t you ever been robbed before?

AMY:  First, don’t point that pistol at me. It makes me nervous, even if it doesn’t look real.  Second, no we’ve never been robbed before.  We just opened.  All we’ve got in the cash register is about twenty five dollars in change.  Would you risk going to jail for twenty-five bucks?  Please put down that toy gun. 

BURTON:  Lady, I got no choice.  I need the money.  I’m desperate. 

(WENDY quietly walks into the room unnoticed by BURTON.  She has a wrench in her hand and swings it at the gun, knocking it to the floor.  BURTON screams.)

BURTON:  You broke my hand, you broke my hand. 

WENDY:  I broke your gun.  Your hand is just fine.

BURTON:  No, I need a doctor.  You broke my hand. 

WENDY:  I’m a doctor.

BURTON:  No, I need a real doctor.  My hand is still stinging.

AMY:  Wendy’s a real doctor. 

BURTON:  She looks like a mechanic to me.

WENDY:  Thank you.  Sometimes I have trouble convincing people I’m a mechanic because I’m a woman.  Thanks for the vote of confidence. 

BURTON:  I’m not here to boost your ego.  I’m here to rob you.  I’m outta work, my kid is starving, and now you’ve broken my hand.  I need a real doctor. 

AMY:  Wendy is a real doctor.  She has a PhD in American history and was trying to get a job teaching when we decided to open this gas station.  We think we can make more money going into business together than she can teaching. . . if some Bozo doesn’t come in and rob us.  And she didn’t break your hand.  She broke your toy pistol.

BURTON:  I need a doctor doctor, not a teacher. 

WENDY:  Look, if you want a broken hand that bad, put it out here and I’ll hit it with my wrench and we’ll call 911 and the police will take you to a doctor right after they book you. 

(BURTON takes his hand and puts it under his other arm and turns away from her.)

BURTON:  Don’t hit me again and don’t call the cops.  I’m not a very good robber.  I bungled my first job.  And now my little boy’s pistol is broken.

AMY:  (Putting her arm around him)  You did fine.  I would have given you the money if Wendy hadn’t interrupted us.  Don’t whine about the broken toy pistol.  Kids shouldn’t be playing with guns anyway, toy or otherwise. 

WENDY:  He didn’t ask for one of your sermons on toy weapons, Amy.  Look, if I interrupted something between you two I’ll just take my weapon and go back to changing the transmission.  I don’t need this.  I’ve got enough trouble with that stupid car. 

BURTON:  You’re changing a transmission?

WENDY:  I know.  Women aren’t supposed to change transmissions but tell that to my dad.  He taught both Amy and me how to work on cars and frankly we’re pretty good at it. (Sarcastic)  Although sometimes it does tend to mess up our hair and smear our makeup.

AMY:  I’d be out there helping her but somebody has to watch the shop.  Somebody has to be available for the bad guys to come in and rob us. 

BURTON:  I’m not really a bad guy.  I lost my job and my wife left me when I needed her the most.  I’m working on my friends’ cars trying to pick up a few bucks and support me and my little boy.  My rent is coming due and my wife ran up a lot of credit card bills.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Are there any other service stations around here I could rob?

WENDY:  No, but there’s a retirement home in Auburn. 

AMY:  Wendy!

WENDY:  Just trying to suggest a place where someone won’t knock the toy pistol out of his hand with a wrench. 

AMY:  You’d be surprised.  Ever met any of those folks in that assisted living place?  I wouldn’t want to tangle with them.  Why don’t you get back to work?  You’re not much help here, Dr. Tucker. 

BURTON:  I’m sorry I bothered you.  Please don’t call the police.  I won’t rob anyone else.  I am obviously not a very good holdup man.  And I don’t want some 80 year-old grandmother knocking me down with her cane and then kicking me.

WENDY:  How are you at working on cars?  You said you help some of your friends out with their cars.  How good are you?

BURTON:  I’m kind of self taught.  I have had to keep my old bucket of bolts running and I sort of figured it out on my own.  I’ve had no complaints about the freelance work I have done.  But I’ve never been taught formally and I can’t find a job as a mechanic.  I could never change a transmission like you’re doing.  That’s a big job. 

WENDY:  I could use some help.  Would you like to come out to the garage and watch?  I’d be glad to teach you what my dad taught me.  I could use the company.  If Amy doesn’start throwing rags and magazines at us, we might get something done. 

BURTON:  I would love to, but I’m afraid I can’t take the time.  I have to come up with some way, other than robbing gas stations, to put food on the table. 

AMY:  You go with Wendy.  Let me make a phone call or two between waiting on customers and maybe we can help you. 

BURTON:  Help me?  How?

AMY:  Leave that to me.  I don’t know yet, but I have some ideas.  You guys get out of my hair and let me get at it. 

WENDY:  (WENDY puts her arm through Burton’s arm and leads him to the garage.)  Come with me, big fellow.  We got a date with a BMW. 

(They exit.  AMY picks up the phone to make a call.)

AMY:  Wanda.  Do you still work with that church youth group?  Want a great service project? 

   (The lights fade to black with AMY still talking on the phone.)

End of Act I Scene 1

Act I  Scene 2

Scene

Same service station but lots of activity is taking place just out the front door.  A local church youth group is putting on a car wash.  Expect to see a lot of local characters during this scene.  Wendy is now running the cash register, a big job today because so many people want change for the pop machine, candy machine, etc.  AMY and BURTON are out helping wash cars and wait on customers who want gas. 

Time

One week later. 

AMY:  (Coming in the front door with BURTON)  You can’t believe how busy we are.  The kids are out holding up signs and waving at cars to get them to stop. Some of those girls are pretty cute and more than once a car has gone on by and then made a U-turn at the end of the block and came back.  We’re not only raising a lot of money to help Burton but we’re doing more business in one day than we’ve done in a week.  Maybe we should do this every Saturday. 

WENDY:  Without the teenagers here, who would stand out there in a bathing suit with a sign and wave in cars? 

BURTON:  I’d be glad to put on a bathing suit and get the pretty girls to stop. 

WENDY:  That’s a good idea. 

AMY:  Don’t listen to her, Burton.  You are not going to stand out in front of our service station in a bathing suit.  It's bad enough you came in our service station with toy pistol.  Toy pistols should be banned. 

WENDY:  Amy.  There’s a soapbox out in the garage.  Why don’t you get it and go down on the corner and see if you can draw a crowd. 

AMY:  I can take a hint.  No more speeches.  For our non-teenager car wash, maybe we could get Joy to help and all of us could hit on guys.  We’d get more action than a sports bar selling root beer floats. 

(JOY and TOM walk in.  Tom is good looking, wearing shorts and a golf shirt, white socks that come above the calves, and sneakers or sandals.)

JOY:  Did I hear my name mentioned? 

WENDY:  Amy and Burton were just telling me what a great job you’re doing.  Would you like to introduce us to your friend? 

JOY:  That’s why I came in.  Meet Tom Johnson.  He stopped by to get his ’56 Chevy Impala washed and then he’s going to take me for a ride.  What a beautiful car.  He keeps it in top notch shape. 

TOM:(He shakes hands with the sisters.)  Hi.  The kids are washing my car.  It didn’t really need it, but I stopped when I saw how pretty the girls are.  And I met . . . what did you say your name was?

JOY:  Marilyn.  Marilyn Monroe. 

TOM:  Right.  I met Marilyn and she agreed to go for a ride in my car.  She’s a lot cuter than the girls I met at the sports bar yesterday. 

WENDY:  “Marilyn” agreed to go for a ride?

TOM:  Isn’t that lucky for me?

AMY:  Just peachy.  Should we tell him, Wendy?

WENDY:  About Joy?

WENDY and JOY:  Noooooooo. 

TOM:(Looking puzzled, first at Amy, then Wendy)  They lost me.  Come, Marilyn.  Let’s g for a ride up to lookout point and enjoy the view with the top down. 

JOY:  They lost me a long time ago.  Let’s go. 

AMY:  I’m going back to washing cars.  Maybe there’s a guy out there for me. 

BURTON:  I’ll go with you and see if we can find him.

WENDY:  Sure.  Just tell him your name is Madonna. 

AMY:  Madonna Tucker.  Sounds like someone who ought to be on a calendar. 

WENDY:  Maybe we could hang it in the garage so it would seem more like a garage. 

AMY:  I don’t see why you would want a picture of me hanging in the garage. 

BURTON:  Hang that picture up and I’ll work here for free. 

WENDY:  Burton, we’re not hanging any such picture in our garage.

BURTON:  May I hang it in my garage?

AMY:  Burton, there is no such picture.  There’s not going to be. 

BURTON:  I have a camera.  The flash doesn’t work and I don’t remember what size film it uses, but I do have a camera. 

AMY:  Read my lips, my friend.  Now let’s go and see if we can find me a friend with a convertible. 

BURTON:  Right.  Maybe we could rip the top off my car.   Wait for me . . . ah . . Madonna. 

(UNCLE JOE, a policeman, comes in the front door as they leave.)

JOE:  Howdy, ma’m.  My name’s Joe.  Kids call me Uncle Joe. 

WENDY:  Uncle Joe?  That’s a funny name for a cop. 

JOE:  Policeman, ma’m.  I don’t like being called a cop. 

WENDY:  Isn’t that an unusual name for a policeman?  I thought police were tough, no nonsense guys who wrote out tickets.

JOE:  Well, my beat is schools.  I talk to the kids a lot about safety and that kind of stuff. I’ve become pretty friendly with the kids.  I’ve never written any of them a ticket yet.  They started calling me Uncle Joe, I guess, ‘cause I’m like a member of the family.  And I like having a nickname.  If I were the chief, they’d probably call me Chief Joseph. 

WENDY:  You’re not the chief?

JOE:  Oh no.  I’m not old enough for a desk job like that. 

WENDY:  You have to be old to be chief? 

JOE:  Ours is.  He must be 45. 

WENDY:  Oh, that is old?  What can I do for you?  

JOE:  Oh, I thought I’d just stop by and visit while they wash my patrol car.  Those kids will get a kick out of washing a police car.  When it gets dirty, sometimes kids write on it with their fingers, “WASH ME.”  And I do.  Chief doesn’t like us driving around in dirty patrol cars. 

WENDY:  That’s a good idea.  You should get everyone down at the station to bring his or HER car to be washed.  You do have women driving police cars, don’t you?

JOE:  Of course.  It’d be a pretty boring job without women around. 

WENDY:  I know how you feel.  We like to have men around here once in a while. 

JOE:  That’s why I came in.  Women like a guy in uniform. 

WENDY:  You’ve got that right.  You’re one handsome dude, Uncle Joe. 

JOE:  Wish I could stay longer.  Maybe we could get better acquainted and you could call me just Joe.  I gotta get back out there and see that they don’t steal my shotgun out of the back seat. 

WENDY:  You have a shotgun?  Are you going bird hunting?

JOE:  Oh, we’re not allowed . . . You were pulling my leg, weren’t you, ma’m. 

WENDY:  Would I do that . . .ah . . . Joe? 

JOE:  Calling me Joe already?  I better get back to work. I just may get to like it in here. 

WENDY:  Come back when you can stay longer .

JOE:  Maybe I could show you my handcuffs and flashlight. 

WENDY:  That might be fun.  But I don’t want to try them on. 

JOE:  Oh, I would never arrest you, ma’m. 

WENDY:  But you would give me a ticket, I’ll bet, if I were speeding. 

JOE:  It’d be a pleasure, ma’m. 

WENDY:  It might be for you.  I have never really enjoyed the experience myself. 

JOE:  You get a lot of tickets, ma’m? 

WENDY:  Only when I speed. 

JOE:  Isn’t that a coincidence.  That’s usually when I give them.  Funny we’ve never met before.

WENDY:  I’m probably speeding when you’re talking to school kids.

JOE:  You don’t impress me as a speeder, ma’m. 

WENDY:  You can call me Wendy.  I was just kidding.  I’ve never been given a ticket. 

JOE:  Oh good. . . ah . . . Wendy.  I’m glad you don’t speed. 

WENDY:  I didn’t say that.  I just never got a ticket. 

JOE:  I better get back to my car. 

WENDY:  Right.  You don’t want anyone to steal your shotgun and go bird hunting. 

JOE:  Oh, the birds are safe.  

WENDY:  They are? 

JOE:  Yeh, the chief doesn’t allow me to carry bullets for it. 

WENDY:  None of the officers carry bullets?

JOE:  No. Just me. 

WENDY:  Joe, may I ask how you got hired as a policeman? 

JOE:  Don’t tell anyone but my brother is on the Police Commission. 

WENDY:  Politics, eh?

JOE:  SHHHH.  Mom made him pressure them to hire me. 

WENDY:  Well, it’s a dirty job but someone has to do it. 

JOE:  Police work? 

WENDY:  No, washing your car.  I think it’s done. 

JOE:  Right.  Gotta go.  Bye, ma’m.  (He exits) 

WENDY:  You may call me Wendy.  

JOE (from outside)  Right, Wendy .

(A MAN comes in from the garage with an old fashioned  wall phone strapped to his back.  He is talking on the phone.)

MAN With PHONE: Can you hear me now?  (He goes out the front door and we can hear him outside)  Can you hear me now? 

(A note to those producing the play..  This bit part in the play is a great opportunity to have fun.  Each night of the production get a different community icon – a professional athlete, a local disk jockey, a TV anchor person, a professor or administrator on campus or a well known, recognizable student, perhaps a student athlete.  Some theater patrons may came back to see the play again before the end of its run just to see who is playing that part some other night. )

WENDY:  Must be getting his truck washed. 

ERNIE:  (Comes in the front door)  I’m getting my bike washed.  Got change for a buck?  I want to buy a candy bar. 

WENDY:  The machine will give you change. 

ERNIE:  I know.  I just wanted to stop and see you. 

WENDY:  The sports bar was empty?  Must be a slow day. 

ERNIE:  Everybody’s down here. Besides, there’s no one in that bar as pretty as you are.

WENDY:  Are you hitting on me, ah . . . 

ERNIE:  Ernie.  Ernie Seegmiller.

WENDY:  Glad to meet you, Mr. Seegmiller . . . I think.

ERNIE:  I can see you’re not impressed by someone who rides a Harley.

WENDY:  Actually, I have never met a biker before.  But I must admit, having a close relationship with someone with bugs on his teeth has never appealed to me. 

ERNIE:  (He laughs)  We don’t like to be called bikers.  It could confuse us with those guys in spandex on ten-speeds.  And I don’t have bugs on my teeth.  I floss. 

WENDY:  While you’re biking?

ERNIE:  I stop at rest stops or McDonald’s rest rooms. 

WENDY:  Then I apologize, Mr. Seegmiller. I’m sure a good piece of floss can wipe out a lot of dead bugs. 

ERNIE:  Apology accepted, Miss, Ms., Mrs. . . 

WENDY:  It’s Doctor.  Dr. Tucker.  But you can call me Wendy. 

ERNIE:  And you can call me Ernie.  Mr. Seegmiller is my dad.  Are you really a doctor? 

WENDY:  Yes.   I have a doctorate in American history but nobody calls me Dr. Tucker, except my sister Amy and that’s only when she’s mad at me. 

ERNIE:  What do you do with a doctorate in history?

WENDY:  Run a gas station.  You’d be surprised how many people stop by who want to know where the rest rooms are and who was the fifteenth president. 

ERNIE:  Who was he?  Reagan?

WENDY:  I don’t know. 

ERNIE:  You don’t?

WENDY:  All right, I know.  It was James Buchanan. 

ERNIE:  Actually, I knew that.  He was just before Lincoln, wasn’t he? 

WENDY:  That’s right.  You really knew who it was. 

ERNIE:  I’m not a big fan of Buchanan.  I like James K. Polk. 

WENDY:  Really.  Most people would say Washington, Lincoln or one of the Roosevelts, if they took history at all. 

ERNIE:  Polk was an unsung hero. He only got the Whig party nomination when the convention was deadlocked and Andrew Jackson suggested him.  He had been the governor of Tennessee where Jackson was from.  He got elected and had to serve during a difficult time in American history as states were clashing over whether to be slave or free. The nation was expanding and we were facing possible war with Mexico over who had the rights to Texas. 

WENDY:  You really do know American history. 

ERNIE:  I majored in it at Stanford as an undergraduate but switched to business and got an M.B.A. so I could make a living. 

WENDY:  What do you do for a living when you’re not waking up neighborhoods with that Harley?

ERNIE:  I just racked off my pipes last week when I left to wake you guys up.

WENDY:  Gals.  We’re gals, not guys.  Some people even call us women. 

ERNIE:  Well, anyway, I got your attention.  Normally, I’m pretty quiet.  I work as a vice-president at a local bank and very seldom do I hang out in sports bars. In fact, I don’t spend a lot of time in gas stations either because I get good mileage.

WENDY:  I thought bikers had tattoos.  You don’t seem to have any. 

ERNIE:  I’ve got one.  Want to see it?  (He starts to unbuckle his belt.)

WENDY:  No.  I believe you.  This is a PG rated gas station.  Uh . . . what is your tattoo of?

ERNIE:  A naked lady roller skating through a buffalo herd. 

WENDY:  What? 

ERNIE:  Just kidding.  I don’t have any tattoos.  You’re stereotyping me.  Lots of bikers don’t have tattoos.  I don’t know about the guys on ten-speeds.  They may be covered with ‘em. 

WENDY:  Sorry.  I am guilty. I see too many movies. 

ERNIE:  I don’t smoke, run around with wild women or drink. 

WENDY:  You’ll never get a part in any of the movies I see. 

ERNIE:  Call me Pollyanna.  I don’t have tattoos because I’m afraid of needles.  I’m a sissy. 

WENDY:  Sounds like we have more in common than American history. 

(Just then TONY, a used car salesman comes in.)

TONY

Hey there, little lady.  Let me introduce myself.  I’m Tony the Tiger Kennedy and I sell cars.  (He hands her a card and gives one to Ernie as well)  Those kids out there are doing such a good job I’m going to have them come to my lot as soon as they’re through here and do all 50 cars on my lot. Can I get a group rate? 

WENDY

That’s up to the kids.  But if you’ll fill them all up with gas I’ll give you 50 cents off per car. 

ERNIE

Hey, sweetheart.  I’m out of here, but I’ll be back. 

WENDY

Is that a threat or a promise? 

ERNIE

(Going out the door)  That’s a promise.  We’ve got a lot of American history to discuss.  Andrew Johnson’s pretty interesting. 

WENDY

I know I saw the movie. 

ERNIE

Right,  But it’s in black and white. Maybe I’ll show  “A More Perfect Union.”  It’s one of my favorites and in color but it’s not that well known..  (He exits out the front door.) 

WENDY

I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve seen it.  But I’d like to see it again. 

TONY:  Who’s Johnson?

WENDY:  Andrew Johnson?  He was Teddy Roosevelt’s CIA director. 

TONY:  Oh.  Who was Teddy Roosevelt?

WENDY:  That was FDR’s little boy.

TONY:  FDR?

WENDY:  Never mind. 

TONY:  They’re probably done with my car by now.  They’re really quick.  But, like Patton, I’ll be back.

WENDY:  It was MacArthur and the actual quote was, “I shall return. . . “

TONY:  Whatever.  Did I give you my card? 

WENDY:  I’ll share it with my sister Amy. 

TONY:  (Going toward the door.)  I gave her one.

(As he leaves the McKenzie Sisters come in, LAURA and JUSTINA.  They are elderly and forgetful.)

LAURA:  We’re coming in to get away from water fights.  

JUSTINA:  There was day when we would have enjoyed a good water fight. 

LAURA:  Only when we were the soakers and not the soakees. 

JUSTINA:  I remember when Dan and Jeremy sprayed you from head to toe.  You were one wet teenager. 

LAURA:  I had forgotten all about that.  Those guys really liked you, didn’t they? 

WENDY:  When someone drenches you with water that’s a sign of true love. Just ask my sister Amy. 

(AMY comes in the front door, drenched)

AMY:  Ask me what? 

WENDY:  Nothing.  How did you get so wet? 

AMY:  I’ll tell you later. 

JUSTINA:  Did I ever tell you about the time Dan and Jeremy threw a bucket of water all over me? 

LAURA:  I thought you said they sprayed you with a hose. 

JUSTINA:  That was before the bucket of water. 

WENDY:  Why were they doing that?  Were you having a car wash, too?

LAURA:  I don’t think we had cars in those days.  Do you know how to tell when you’re getting old? 

AMY:  No.  How do you tell when you’re getting old? 

LAURA:  There are three ways.  First, your memory starts to go.  Then (a long pause), I forgot the other two. 

JUSTINA:  I’ll never forget the time Jeremy and Dan got me soaked and wet?

WENDY:  Yes, you told us. 

LAURA:  Those kids out there are having a lot of fun.  I don’t know whether they will get our old Tucker clean or not, but they will certainly get it wet. 

AMY:  I saw your car. It’s beautiful, but I didn’t know they ever made a car called a Tucker.  That’s our name. We’re Amy and Wendy Tucker. 

LAURA:  We’re Laura and Justina McKenzie.  We love that old car.  We take good care of it.  Our grand daughters Tiffany and Angie can pay for college with the money she gets for selling it when we die.  It’s a collector’s item.

AMY:  I’ll bet it is. 

LAURA:  Our granddaughter, Angie, works here you know. 

WENDY:  Angie Buck?.  You’re kidding.  She’s a wonderful girl.  She’s going to college and working at two jobs.  She works for us and is a lifeguard at the YMCA. 

JUSTINA:  So is her sister, Tiffany.  Aren’t they pretty girls?  Their friend, Eddie, reminds me a little of Jeremy.  Did I ever tell you about the time Dan and Jeremy threw water all over me.

LAURA:  I just rememebered the second way you can tell if someone is getting old.  (She looks a Justina)  She repeats herself a lot.

JUSTINA:  What?

LAURA:  Never mind, Justina.  Let’s go see if our car is finished.  We have to get down to Y for our swimming lessons. 

AMY:  You take swimming lessons? 

LAURA:  Three days a week.  We never miss.  Justina has a crush on the teacher, Jerry, because he gives us both hugs every day.   Nice boy, Jerry. 

JUSTINA:  Did I ever tell you about . . . 

LAURA:  Yes, Val, several times.  Let’s leave these two ladies alone and rescue our Tucker. 

WENDY:  Be nice to it.  We Tuckers need all the love we can get. 

AMY:  For once, I agree with Wendy about something. 

LAURA:  Maybe I can fix you up with my next door neighbor, Bucky.

WENDY:  That’s all right.  Amy is so busy fighting off all her callers she wouldn’t have time for one more. 

AMY:  But leave his phone number.  Wendy would like to meet him. 

WENDY:  That’s all right.  Good bye Laura and Justina. 

JUSTINA:  It’s Tuxedo 3-1449. 

LAURA:  They don’t use Tuxedo and Temple and those prefeixes any more.  I doubt if they ever used Tuxedo. 

JUSTINA:  No.  They used it right here in Black Diamond.  Did you forget?

LAURA:  Oh yes, I remember now. 

(They exit, still jabbering at each other)

WENDY:  How are the kids doing out there? 

AMY:  Great.  But it’s your turn now  I’m drenched. 

WENDY:  Teenage water fights, eh? 

AMY:  That, too.  But Burton was the worst one. 

WENDY:  Sweet, humble, loveable Burton? 

AMY:  He is all that, Wendy, but he is also a Bozo.  He’s having a ball and the kids love him.  I just wish they wouldn’t let him have a turn with the hose. 

WENDY:  It has been quite a day.  Joy met Tom, I met Ernie again, you seem to be getting along famously with Burton.  Then there’s Tony the Tiger in case Burton doesn’t work out for you., the Mackenzie sisters, and the guy on the telephone whoever that was. 

AMY:  It looked like Edgar Martinez to me.  (Insert the name of whoever is playing the part of the man on the phone).  

MAN WITH THE TELEPHONE:  (He enters through the front door, hopefully to the applause of the crowd, and exits to the garage)   Can you hear me now?   Can you hear me now? 

WENDY:  I think we can close on that line.  The car wash must be over. 

(Lights fade to black, End of Act I, Scene 2)

Act II  Scene 1

Scene

The scene is still the gas station office..  MARY SWIFT , a columnist for the local newspaper, is interviewing AMY and WENDY. . Mary Swift can be any age from 30 to 60.

Time

Two days later

MARY:  He what????

WENDY:  He came in to rob us because he was down and out. 

AMY:  But don’t put that in the paper, that he was going to rob us.  We don’t want to get him in trouble. 

MARY:  You are talking to a reporter. Don’t tell me something you want left out.  I have to be the judge of what I will use and don’t use. 

WENDY:  It is an important part of the story, Amy.  She asked how we met him and that is how we . . . ah . . . became friends, I guess you could say.

AMY:  But I don’t want to see Burton arrested.

MARY:  He won’t be arrested if he didn’t actually rob you.  Did he threaten you?

AMY:  I would hardly call it a threat.  He had a toy pistol and Wendy knocked it out of his hand with a wrench. 

WENDY:  We never filed charges.  We didn’t even call the police. 

AMY:  He was so desperate, almost pathetic.  He did us no harm and frankly we felt sorry for him.  He didn’t know where to turn, had no way to pay his bills or feed his little boy.  His wife walked out on him when he lost his job.  Times are tough. 

WENDY:  So Amy called a friend of ours who told us last week that the youth in her church were looking for a service project. 

AMY:  Our gas station was a perfect spot for a car wash.  Those kids did a great job and had a lot of fun.

WENDY:  They sure got each other wet. 

AMY:  Each other?  I got soaked. 

WENDY:  Not by the kids. 

AMY:  Oh, that’s right.  Burton kept hitting me with water from the hose. 

MARY:  Burton was here?

WENDY:  Of course.  The kids loved him and I think he loved them.  He’s going to help them with another car wash in a couple of weeks to raise money for Scout Camp and Girls’ Camp. 

MARY:  Here?

WENDY:  That hasn’t been decided for sure but we’d love to have it here.  It will give Amy an excuse to see Burton again. 

AMY:  Wendy!  Don’t you have to go out and wait on customers or something. 

WENDY:  No, I hired Angie Buck, a teenager, to wait on customers for us.  She’s out there now. 

AMY:  So that’s why we haven’t been interrupted. 

MARY:  Meanwhile, back to the interview, you were about to tell me more.  Are you and Burton an item?

AMY:  Not for your column. 

WENDY:  It’s probably a little early to label them an item, but my guess is they hope to see each other again. 

AMY:  I hope to see Santa Claus again.  That doesn’t make us an item. 

MARY:  You and Santa.  That’s even better. 

AMY:  Help!  You’re not the NATIONAL ENQUIRER.  I thought this was going to be a feature story about some great kids who helped a guy get back on his feet again, not about Santa ringing my bell. 

WENDY:  Santa rang your bell?

AMY:  Of course not, whatever that means anyway.  I just used that as an example because it is so ridiculous, trying to show you how silly it is to suddenly team me and Burton up because he gave me a little hug and asked me out. 

WENDY:  A little hug?

MARY:  He asked you out?

AMY:  I didn’t say that. 

MARY:  Yes you did. 

WENDY:  I heard you.  I didn’t know about the date or the hug. 

AMY:  It was just a little hug.  He was feeling bad about getting me all wet and was trying to dry me off. 

WENDY:  Did it work?

AMY:  No, it just got him all wet, too. 

MARY:  The date?  What about the date?

AMY:  We’re going to dinner and a movie. 

WENDY:  Where?  When? Am I invited? 

AMY:  We haven’t worked out the details except we both agreed you’re not invited. 

WENDY:  You discussed me when you were making a date?

AMY:  No, but that’s what we would have decided if we did.

MARY:  What a great story.  Down and out bum meets pretty, lonely girl and falls in love while robbing her and she helps wash cars to get him back on his feet and he sprays her with water, tries to dry her off with his body and asks her for a date. 

WENDY:  And refuses to take her sister with them. 

AMY:  He’s not a bum, I’m not lonely and desperate for a date, we just met and definitely are not in love. 

WENDY:  Yet. 

AMY:  Yet.  I mean, no.  It’s a simple dinner and a movie. 

MARY:  Where?

AMY:  Paris. 

MARY:  PARIS???

AMY:  Of course not. I’m just kidding.  A bum he is not but neither of us is so well fixed we can fly to Paris for our first date. 

MARY:  First date?  Then you’re assuming there will be others.  Paris may be on the schedule in the future?

AMY:  No.  Paris is not on the schedule at all.  The car wash was successful enough to help him pay his rent and that’s about it.  It means he and his little boy won’t be evicted. He is still looking for work. 

MARY:  What kind of work does he do? 

AMY:  Actually, he’s a computer programmer but  right now he’s getting by working on cars.  He may help out around here a little but we can’t afford to take on more help.  It’s tough enough finding enough money to pay Angie.

WENDY:  We picked up a lot of new business during the car wash.  If some of them come back, especially to have their cars worked on, we might need the help.  He learns quickly. 

MARY:  Who works on the cars now?

WENDY:  Both of us.  Our dad taught us how when we were teenagers.  He liked to fix up old cars and we got to help. 

MARY:  That’s a whole new angle.  Women fixing men’s cars.  I like that. 

AMY:  We don’t discriminate.  We work on anybody’s car. You need car work done?  I think I heard a strange rattle or two when you drove up. 

MARY:  Actually I am having some trouble.  It was fine until my husband “fixed it”.  Oh, I would love that.  Two women patching up male blunders. 

AMY:  Maybe Burton could help. 

MARY:  No.  This is a better story as women do a quote man’s job unquote better than men do it. 

WENDY:  Wait a minute.  We’ve been discriminated against long enough that we’re not about to make a war out of this.  Burton is a willing learner, not afraid to take lessons from us, unlike some men.  We welcome his help, even if right now it is just handing us wrenches and learning by watching. 

MARY:  Thank you, ladies.  This is a great story.  I am going to contact the woman who set up the car wash, then talk to Burton and turn out a column in a day or two.  It’s been fun. 

AMY:  I am going to hold my breath until I see it in the paper. 

MARY:  Don’t worry about a thing.  It’s going to be fun. 

AMY:  Maybe for you . . . 

MARY:  You’ll like it. (She exits out the front door.)

AMY:  Why am I so nervous?

WENDY:  It’s because this is the first time you’ve ever had to face the media before.  Simon and Garfunkel we’re not. 

AMY:  That’s for sure. 

(ERNIE comes in the front door, not wearing leather but a sports coat with an open neck shirt, looking very handsome.)

ERNIE:  Hi., ladies.  Am I interrupting anything?

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