Hypnotic Suggestions

By

Daris Howard


 Copyright 2004
by  Daris Howard
All Rights Reserved
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that HYPNOTIC SUGGESTIONS is subject to a royalty.  It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union.  All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign language are strictly reserved.
    The amateur live stage performance rights to HYPNOTIC SUGGESTIONS are controlled exclusively by Drama Source and royalty arrangements and licenses must be secured well in advance of presentation.  PLEASE NOTE that amateur royalty fees are set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances.  When applying for a royalty quotation and license please give us the number of performances intended and dates of production.  Royalties are payable one week before the opening performance of the play to Drama Source Co., 1588 E. 361 N., St. Anthony, Idaho 83445, unless other arrangements are made.      
    Royalty of the required amount must be paid whether the play is presented for charity or gain, and whether or not admission is charged.  For all other rights than those stipulated above, apply to Drama Source Company, 1588 E. 361 N. St. Anthony, Idaho 83445.
    Copying from this book in whole or in part is strictly forbidden by law, and the right of performance is not transferable.
    Whenever the play is produced, the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play, “Produced by special arrangement with Drama Source Co.”
    Due authorship credit must be given on all programs, printing and advertising for the play.

No one shall commit or authorize any act or omission by which the copyright or the rights to copyright of this play may be impaired.

No one shall make changes in this play for the purpose of production without written permission.

Publication of this play does not imply availability for performance.    Both amateurs and professionals considering a production are strongly advised in their own interests to apply to Drama Source Company for written permission before starting rehearsals, advertising, or booking a theatre.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means, now known or yet to be invented, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, videotaping or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Cast

Stu Dent - College age young man.  The hero.  He has  adenoid problems so talks as if his nose is plugged.  He is a bit of a nerd and wears glasses and has a nerdy laugh.

Holly Wood - College age young woman.  A bit ditsy.  The heroine.

Dewey Cheatem - Middle aged man losing a bit of hair.  The villain.

Charlie Dunsap - An older man.  The janitor and self-proclaimed chemist.

Marm A Lade - The women’s dorm head mistress.  A tough older lady.
                                        
[Editor’s Note:  Besides the regular notes the director of the first production put notes in square brackets.  These are just things that were done in that production that were successful.  They are meant only as suggestions and may or may not be used by a director.]

Director’s Note:   (General Notes)

1)Our pianist did a great job and besides having the regular cheering them for the hero, bad theme for the villain, and swooning theme for the heroine, we also had a theme for Marm and Charlie.  Marm was “The Baby Elephant Walk” and Charlie’s was a dunce theme.  We also had a cheer.  For Charlie it was “Tada” and for Marm it was two grunts like a Sumo wrestler.  We practiced these with the audience before the show started and had a lot of fun doing it.

2) Every time someone started to go into a trance our pianist played some twilight zone type of music and every time they drank some of the antidote she played a trill on the piano.

Hypnotic Suggestions

{Setting: All scenes are set in the lounge of the girl’s dorm.  There is a couch, a chair or two, and a coffee table or other small table}

Act I

{Stu comes walking in with some books.  Charlie is busy sweeping or working on something. The room is the lounge of the girls dorm.  Stu is immediately met by Marm who addresses him in a loud, rough tone.}

Marm: State your name and business.

Stu: Stu.  Here to tutor Holly Wood

{Marm walks around him making grunting sounds like she is sizing him up.}

Marm: All right.  I’ll go get her.  But remember, I’m watching you.  Always watching you.  And I have eyes in the back of my head.

Charlie: {From where he is} That’s why she’s so ugly.

{Charlie starts to laugh but stops immediately when Marm comes his way.}

Marm: {Stopping to look at Charlie} Mr. Dunsap, did you say something?

Charlie: Just talking to myself.

Marm: Well, I suppose if you’re going to say something stupid you should say it to someone stupid.

Charlie: Next time I have something stupid to say I’ll come find you.

{Marm exits in a huff.}

Stu: {To Charlie} Is Marm always so friendly?  I’ve been coming over here for months tutoring Holly and she always makes me state my name and gives me the fifth degree.

Charlie: She’s always hated men.

Stu: Why?

Charlie: I don’t know.  I think when she came into the world it must have been a male doctor that spatted her on her rumpus and she took to hating men forever.

{Holly comes bouncing into the room.}

Holly: Hi, Stu.

Stu: Hi, Holly  Are you ready to study some math?

Holly: Sure.

Charlie: Hey.  Would you two be willing to help me test my latest compound?

Stu: It depends.  It isn’t a stain remover like the one you used on Marm’s dress is it?

Charlie: Heck no, but you’ve got to admit that worked beautifully.  There warn’t no more stain when I got done.

Stu: Heck there warn’t no more dress.  It dissolved it clear away.

Charlie: Just a minor set back.  No sir.  This isn’t anything that goes on clothes.  You two start the tutoring and I will get it.

Stu: Ok.  Let’s get started so you can pass that math test. {They sit down and he pulls out some paper.}  Now to add two fractions you need to get a common denominator.

Holly: That is so hard.  Why don’t we just add the top to the top and the bottom to the bottom?

Stu: Because it doesn’t work.  If you added a half and a half that way you would get two fourths which is still one half.

Holly: That would be alright with me.

Stu: So if you had a half dollar and added another half dollar you would be ok with having a half dollar?

Holly: As long as I passed my test?

Stu: Make sure you never become my banker.

Holly: I don’t plan to be a banker.  I’m going to be an actress.  

Stu: Most actresses don’t make a lot of money.

Holly: I’m not worried about that.  My Dad left it in his will that if I can graduate I will inherit plenty to live on.

Stu: Then unless you get your fractions down you better plan on getting a job at McDonalds.

Holly: I’ll get them.  Have you ever known something I haven’t eventually gotten.

Stu: Yes.

Holly: Alright, so factoring is not my forte.

Stu: Nor is multiplying, dividing, adding, or subtracting.

Holly: At least I’m passing my cooking class.

Stu: I’d hope so, since the only requirement is you don’t kill anybody.

Holly: And I haven’t yet.

Stu: Of course you burned down most of the home ec. building.

Holly: But before my daddy died he paid to have it rebuilt good as new.

Stu: And your teacher did end up in the hospital with food poisoning when she ate some of your food.

Holly: But she didn’t die so I will pass.

Stu: Anyway, we better get back to fractions.

Holly: How about we take a break and go get a pizza?  We’ve been working for what two hours, three hours?

Stu: {Looking at his watch.} Five minutes.

Holly: Well it feels like two hours.

Stu: I’ll grant you that.

Holly: Good.  Then let’s go.

{She grabs his hand and starts to drags him off stage right.}

Stu: Wait a minute.  We promised Charlie we’d check out his new compound.

Holly: Oh, right.  You know, Stu, I just love your accent.

Stu: I don’t have an accent.  I have adenoids.

Holly: There’s no reason to get annoyed.

Stu: I didn’t say annoyed, I said adenoids.

Holly: Aren’t those the little machine guys on Star Wars.

Stu: That would be androids.

Holly: So where did you get one?

Stu: One what.

Holly: An android.

Stu: I don’t have an android?

Holly: Then why did you say you did?

Stu: I didn’t.

Holly: Yes you did.  You distinctly said you had androids.

Stu: No I didn’t I said I had.. um a stuffy head.

{Charlie comes running in.}

Charlie: Alright I’ve got it this time.  

Stu: So what is it?

Charlie: I have invented the world’s most perfect cologne.

Stu: Perfect in what way?

Charlie: In that once you put this stuff on, there won’t be a girl that can resist you.

Stu: Right.  What’s it made of?

Charlie: I figured I would add just a touch of all the things girls like.  I put in a bit of ginger, vanilla and rose petals and such.  Then to make it go right to the senses I added a dose of ammonia and Clorox.  

Stu: Ammonia and clorox?

Charlie: Yip.  If anybody knows that stuff goes right to the brain, I do.  Mixed them once and got a whiff.  Knocked me out for hours.

Stu: That explains a lot.

Charlie: You don’t believe me.  I’ll just have to demonstrate.  Holly,  I hate to do this to you, but Stu can wash it off right after the demonstration, and {Holding up a liquor bottle} I have mixed up this antidote you can take.

Stu: Right.  What is in the antidote?

Charlie: A little vinegar, a little water, and a bit of vodka.

Stu: Vinegar, water, and vodka?

Charlie: Yea.  The vinegar and water cleans things so I thought it would help you erase your memory, kinda like cleaning a chalkboard.  

Stu: What is the vodka for?

Charlie: It’s to make is so if  it doesn’t work you feel better anyway so you don’t care.

Stu: You’re crazy.

Charlie: Trust me on this one.

Stu: Trust you.  Last time you mixed up a chemical they had to call in the fire crew with their gas masks to air the dorm out for six hours

Charlie: This is different.  

Stu: And why do I have to be the one to try some on.  Why don’t you do it?

Charlie: Do you want Holly falling in love with me?  It just wouldn’t be appropriate.

Stu: Well, alright as long as I don’t have to drink anything?

Charlie:  Now Holly, I want you to go over there and Stu will put some on.  Then you can walk toward him until you can sniff it. {Holly obediently goes to the other side of the room.} Ok.  Stu, put some on. {Stu takes a small bit from the bottle and dabs it on like cologne.} Alright, start walking toward him.

{Holly starts walking toward him.  When she gets real close she takes a deep breath and starts to sneeze.}

Holly: {Looking at her hand.} Oh, no.  I’m breaking out in hives.

Stu: You made her allergic to me.  

Charlie: Darn.  I thought for sure this would work.  I’ll have to make some adjustments or something.

{ Charlie exits and Holly has gone into some kind of trance.}

Stu: {Laughing} Can you believe that?  Charlie made a potion that makes girls allergic to a guy.  That’s all he needs.  Girls are already allergic to him.  Well, I guess I better go get this washed off so we can get back to math.


[Editor’s Note: We had a bit of fun here.  Stu would poke Holly and she would rock back and forth on her feet.  The pianist played “If I Only Had A Brain” from The Wizard of Oz]

Holly: {Repeating monotone as if in a trance} Math.

Stu: {Turning to look at her} Are you alright?

Holly: {Still monotone} Alright.

Stu: {Waving his hand in front of her face} Holly!  Holly!

Holly: {Still monotone} Holly.  Holly.

Stu: We better get you some fresh air.

Holly: {Still monotone} Fresh air.

{He hauls her off stage.  This could be melodramatic.  Things like trying to move her and can’t so he drags her.  Momentarily Dewey comes in and is looking around.}

Dewey: {As if to himself} This must be the place.  This must be where Holly Wood lives. {Aside to audience}  I will get her to marry me and I will inherit her father’s fortune.

{Marm comes in and looks rather annoyed.}

Marm: Excuse me.  Who are you and what are you doing here?

Dewey: Oh, Miss Wood.  I didn’t recognize you in that getup.  Are you practicing for a play or something.  Don’t tell me, you are playing the nerd.

Marm: I am not Holly Wood, I am Marm A Lade and I am the resident head here.

Dewey: And a very charming woman you are.

Marm: Save it for the your cock roach pals.  What do you want?

Dewey: I am here looking for Miss Holly Wood.

Marm: That much I gathered.

Dewey:  I was told she would be in this lounge studying.

Marm: She was a few minutes ago, with her tutor, Stu Dent.  But she’s gone and you must leave too since, men are not allowed in the women’s dorm unless you are a student with a purpose here, you are a faculty member with a need to be here, or you work here.   No matter what, you can not be in here without my permission.

Dewey: But how do you know I am not one of the three?

Marm: The only man that works here, and I use the word works loosely, is Charlie.  You are too old to be a student.  And you’re too stupid looking to be faculty.

Dewey: But I am a friend of her deceased father, Red Wood.

Marm: Oh really.

Dewey: Her father and I go way back. {Aside to audience} In fact her father once fired me for embezzlement.  

Mar0m: Well, like I said, she’s not here right now anyway.

Dewey: {Starting to sit down} Perhaps I’ll just wait for her.

Marm: {Jerking him back to his feet}  Perhaps you will not.  

Dewey: Why not?

Marm: Because you’re a man.  And men are trouble.  I am afraid without her permission I can not allow you to stay.

Dewey: But...

Marm: {Grabbing him by the collar and hauling him off of the stage} But nothing’.  Off you go.

{As Marm comes back she sees Stu’s books sitting on the coffee table and picks them up disgustedly.  She could haul them somewhere else or even off as long as she comes back on to hear Charlie.  Charlie comes in mumbling that he thought for sure it would work.}

Marm: Mr. Dunsap.  What are you mumbling about?

Charlie: Nothing.  It was just about something I made.

Marm: It better not have been one of your confounded chemical mixtures again.

Charlie: And what’s wrong with my chemical mixtures.

Marm: Everything.  You’ve never made anything that worked.

Charlie: What about that compound to wash windows?

Marm: I have never seen anything in my life that would eat glass.

Charlie: Well they were clean.

Marm: They were gone!

Charlie: Speaking of gone.  I got rid of that gum in your hair didn’t I?

Marm: You got rid of the hair in the gum.  I was bald for a year.

Charlie: You were so much prettier and you didn’t even thank me.

Marm: {Poking a finger in his chest and speaking each word deliberately}  I let you live.

Charlie: You just wait.  I majored in chemistry in high school.  Someday one of my mixtures is going to make it big.

Marm: Big as in a big explosion.  If you hadn’t been here for so long I’d seen to it that you were gone.  Everyone seems to think you’re a fixture of the place.

Charlie: I may be a fixture but you’re the head gorilla of this zoo.

Marm: {Grabbing Charlie and holding up a fist}  You watch yourself Charlie Dunsap or some day I’m going to mop the floor with you.

{Marm gives Charlie a big shove and storms off.  Dewey comes in from the side of the stage and is trying to get Charlie’s attention.}

Dewey: Psssst.  Hey, Buddy. {Charlie looks confused then finally sees him.} Is that woman gone?

Charlie: Mentally anyway.

Dewey: {Coming in} Wow, she is one tough dame.

Charlie: In her past life she was a pit bull.  You better leave too unless you’re a student or faculty.

Dewey: {As if realizing what he has to do}  Faculty.  Yes.  That’s it.  You see, I’m faculty.

Charlie: If you’re faculty how come I don’t know you.

Dewey: Well, you see...

Charlie: {Excited}  Oh!  Oh!  You must be the new chemistry professor.

Dewey: Yes.  That’s it.  I’m the new chemistry professor.

Charlie: {Grabbing Dewey’s hand and starting to shake excited} Oh, I’m so glad to meet you.  I’ve got things I want to show you.  We can talk over milk and cookies and...

Marm: {Coming in as Dewey jumps behind Charlie for protection} I thought I told you to leave.

Charlie: He’s the new chemistry professor.  

Marm: Hmm.  Friend of yours, Charlie.

Charlie: He is now.

Marm: Well, that would explain the stupid look. {Coming up real close and eying Dewey walking all the way around him suspiciously.  She could even open his mouth like checking out a horse and then shut it.} Why did you want to see Holly?

Dewey: Um, I wanted to check on her grade in Chemistry.

Marm: She’s not in chemistry.  Besides, I thought you were friends with her father.

Dewey: I am.  I know her father always wanted her to take chemistry so I thought I would see if she wanted to sign up for my class.

Marm: Great.  All we need is for her to sign up for chemistry.  She already burned down the cooking building.  

Dewey: Don’t worry, Mam.  I would be responsible for her.

Marm: {Going to him and poking him in the chest}  And don’t you forget it.

{Marm goes off.  Charlie grabs Dewey.}

Charlie: Hey.  Come on.  Let me show you your classroom.

Dewey: That sounds good.  Then I may need to take care of some business. {Aside to audience}  Like making sure the real chemistry teacher doesn’t show up. {Dewey laughs an evil laugh then turns back to Charlie.} Come on my friend.  Why don’t you show me that classroom.

{Stu comes back in carrying Holly.  He is trying to get her to come around.}

[Director’s Note: Here we again had him stand her up and as she wobbled we played the “If I Only Had A Brain” song from The Wizard of Oz.  Eventually Stul eased her back into a chair.]

Stu: {Making motions like he is trying to cast a spell off of Holly} Holly.  Come on.  Snap out of it.  You’ve got to learn your math.

Holly: Learn math.

Stu: You’ve need to pass your math test.

Holly: Pass math test.

Stu: I’m supposed to help you become good at math.

Holly: Good at math.

Stu: Holly.  Snap out of it.

{Marm walks in picks up Stu’s books or brings them in with her and slams them on the coffee table which brings Holly out of her trance.}

Marm: Haven’t I told you to not leave your books lying around?

Stu: Yes, Mam.

Marm: Then do it.

Stu: Yes, Mam.

Marm: {Eying him suspiciously} I’m watching you. {She then walks around behind him as if going off, but instead scares him.}  Always watching you.

{Stu jumps as Marm leaves then Stu turns to find Holly recovered but still shaking it off.}

Stu: Are you alright.

Holly: Yes.  It was funny.  It was like I was in a dream.

Stu: It was that cologne of Charlie’s.  

Holly: I feel fine now.

Stu: We better get back to studying so you can pass your math test.

Holly: But I’m good at math.

Stu: {Laughs} Since when?

Holly: I don’t know.  I just know I am good at math.

Stu: Let’s go back to fractions.  If we take three fourths and seven thirds we need to get a common denominator and...

Holly: We get thirty seven twelfths.

Stu: {Works it quickly then looks up shocked} Right!  If we take x over y plus one over x...

Holly: We get x squared plus y over x y.

Stu: {Again shocked} Correct.

Holly: This is really easy.  

Stu: Maybe you should go take your test while you know the material.

Holly: That’s a good idea.  Then we’ll go out for pizza.  I’ll run take it right now.

Stu: Great.  You give me a call when you get done.

{Holly runs off to take her test and Stu starts to gather his stuff as Charlie and Dewey come in with Charlie holding the bottle of spray.}

Charlie: I was really sure it would work but it doesn’t and {pointing at the antidote} I even created this antidote.  But it actually made her just break out in hives. {He sees Stu.} Oh, hi, Stu.  I want you to meet the new chemistry teacher, Professor Cheatem.

Dewey: Dewey Cheatem at your service.

Stu: {Shaking hands} Glad to meet you.

Charlie: Hey, Dewey.  Howie Cheatem wouldn’t happen to be your father.

Dewey: Grandfather.

Charlie: Grandfather huh.  He and I went to school together.

Stu: Wow.  How old are you, Charlie?

Charlie: Ain’t none of your business.

Stu: Can’t count that high, huh.

Charlie: Ha, ha, ha.  Hey, Mr. Cheatem.  Stu, here,  is a good friend of that young lady, Holly, that you were asking about.

Dewey: Is that so?

Stu: Yes.

Dewey: {Comes up and puts his arm around Stu’s shoulders}  We might need to talk some time.

Stu: Be glad to visit.  Right now I’ve got to run. {Dewey doesn’t let go so Stu tries again.} I need to run. {Dewey still doesn’t let go.} I am running.

Dewey: {Realizing lets him go} Yes.  Yes of course.

Stu: I need to do some homework while Holly is taking her test.  That way I can take her out for pizza later.

{Stu leaves.}

Dewey: {Turning to Charlie}  That young man is taking her out for pizza.  Are they, you know, an item?

Charlie: You could say that.

Dewey: I’ll have to do something about that.

Charlie: I beg your pardon.

Dewey: Oh, I was just saying I need to do something about that potion of yours.

Charlie: {Handing him the spray and putting the antidote on the table.}  Oh, you’re welcome to it.  Can’t figure out why it didn’t work.  Speaking of which.  I need to get back to work.  If I can do anything for you, you make sure you give me a holler.

Dewey: You can count on that.

{Charlie goes out to work.  Holly comes back in but does not notice Dewey.}

Holly: {Calling} Stu.  Oh, Stu.  I’m done with my test already.  

Dewey: Hello.

Holly: Oh, excuse me.  I didn’t see you there.

Dewey: You were looking for Stu?

Holly: Yes, I was.

Dewey: You wouldn’t happen to be Holly?

Holly: Yes I am.

Dewey: Aw, it is you I have been searching for.

Holly: I am afraid I don’t know you.

Dewey: No, but I know you.  You see your father and I were good friends, may he rest in peace.  He always wanted me to marry you, but we agreed I should go out into the world to learn and grow a bit.

Holly: Well, you at least did the growing.  But are you sure he didn’t mean something besides {whacking Dewey’s stomach} out.

Dewey: {Trying to catch his breath}  You are so delightful.  But now I have come back so we can once more be together.

{He moves toward her and she moves away through most of this.}

Holly: Don’t you think perhaps you have some other growing to do.

Dewey: I am now the new chemistry teacher here.

Holly: I was kind of talking about your hair.

Dewey: Isn’t it lovely.

Holly: Isn’t it lacking?

Dewey: If hair is what you want I could get a toupe.  

Holly: To pay for what?

Dewey: No.  Toupe.  Hair.

Holly: Why would I want to pay for hair?

Dewey: {Aside to the audience} Does anyone ever carry on an intelligent conversation with this girl? {Back to Holly} You have such a wonderful sense of humor.  You’re just as delightful as I remember you.

Holly: I’m sorry, but I don’t remember you.  Wait a minute.  You remind me of a guy that I once sicced my dog on.

Dewey: {Aside to the audience} Egads.  She does remember me. {Back to Holly} Obviously you must have me mistaken for someone else.  I was such a good friend of your father.

Holly: Friend of my father or not, I can’t marry you?

Dewey: Why not?

Holly: Because I am in love with someone else.

Dewey: What has that got to do with it?

Holly: He’s good and kind and besides he has hair he doesn’t have to pay for.

{Marm comes in behind Dewey.}

Dewey: Perhaps if you got to know me better.

Holly: How?

Dewey: Why don’t you go out to dinner with me?

Holly: Sorry, Stu is already taking me out for pizza.

{Author’s note: If a director wants he can remove the cell phone instances.  We had a lot of fun with it and the audience enjoyed it.}

Dewey: But I can be.. {Dewey’s cell phone rings.} Will you excuse me a minute.  {Dewey goes off to the side of the stage to talk on his phone.  As he talks Holly is tapping her foot like she is annoyed.} Hello.  Mom.  Mom, I’m on stage right now...  No it is not a good time to talk...  Listen, I’ll make my bed when I get home...  Yes, I promise.  Now I’ve got to go so goodbye...  Do I have to, everyone is watching...  Alright.  I love you too.  Satisfied...  Ok.  Goodbye. {Dewey puts his cell phone away and comes back and looks somewhat embarrassed.}   Sorry, that was my um broker. {Dewey then grabs Holly like he is going to dip her for a kiss.} As I was saying,  I can be irresistible.  Why {Marm walks into view and Dewey sees her.} ... why, why don’t you come take my chemistry class?

Holly: Take you chemistry class, but you were just talking about...

{Dewey drops her to the floor stopping her.}

Dewey: We were just talking about taking my chemistry class. {There is a short uncomfortable pause as Marm stares sternly at him then Dewey tries again as Holly picks herself up off of the floor.} It’s a good way to become friends.

Marm: Professors do not fraternize with the students.

Holly: {Moving behind Marm for protection.}  Yea.  Professors do not flirt ir ize with the students.

Dewey: I was not fraternizing I was...

Marm: I saw what you were doing.  Out!

Dewey: But I...

Marm: {Grabbing him} I said out!  

{Marm hauls Dewey to the side of the stage and throws him off stage.}

Holly: Thank you, Marm.

Marm: And you, young lady, would do good to be careful who you flirt with.

Holly: But I didn’t flirt.  

Marm: Be careful of men.  They are trouble.

Holly: But haven’t you ever loved a man.

[Director’s note: We had fun with this, playing “Love Story” but ending with a crash on the piano where Marm said it made her sick.]

Marm: Once when I was young I fell for a guy.

Holly: What happened?

Marm: On Valentine’s Day I tried to let him know I liked him.  I gave him a heart that said, “Some say you’re a geek, some say you’re weird.  Let’s be friends if you’re not a feared.”  

Holly: {Holly grimaces at the bad poem but then tries to act sweet}  Oh, how romantic.  

Marm: He gave me a box of white, heart shaped chocolates, but he must have put something in them because they made me sick.  I realized he was making fun of me.  I’ve hated men ever since and you should too if you’re smart.

Holly: But Stu is always so good to me.

Marm: Well don’t say I didn’t warn you.

{Marm and Holly go off talking.  Dewey comes sneaking back on to get his hat or something else he dropped.  When he does he sees the bottle of spray he sat down and goes over and picks it up.  Stu comes in.}

Stu: Oh, hello again.

Dewey: {Jumps, melodramatically as if having a heart attack he is so startled} Oh, it’s you.

Stu:  I came to see if Holly was back yet.

Dewey: Oh, I do believe she’s come and gone.

Stu: Gone?

[Director Note: Here we played a sad song like “Memories”]

Dewey: Yes.  I think she went with another guy.

Stu: Really?

Dewey: Oh yes.  I would forget about her if I were you.  She’s mighty fickle.

Stu: {Somewhat dejected}  Gone with someone else.  I can’t believe it. {Short pause}   I guess I might as well go get some pizza myself.

Dewey: Smart boy.

Stu:  {Notices Dewey holding the spray bottle} I see you got that cologne of Charlie’s.  Better be careful with that.  

Dewey: Charlie said it didn’t work.

Stu: Oh, it doesn’t work as a cologne.  But it seems to put people who smell it  into a hypnotic state.  Holly got a whiff and seemed in a trance.

Dewey: Is that so?

Stu: Yes.  You really need to do something with that.

{Stu exits.}

Dewey: {Slyly} Oh, I plan to do something with it all right. {Aside to the audience}  But I better grab something to plug my nose so I can’t smell it. {He runs off stage and momentarily comes back on.  After he comes back on he talks like his nose is plugged.} {Aside to audience} There, now I’ve plugged my nose so I can’t smell anything.  Now for the little damsel.

Marm: {Comes in} I thought you had gone.

Dewey: I came back to visit with Miss Wood about chemistry.

Marm: Why are you talking funny?

Dewey: I must have picked up a bit of a cold.  I’ve worked out for her to get into my chemistry class.   I really need to talk to Miss Wood? {Pause as Marm glares at him}  Alone.

Marm: All right. {Threateningly}  But you behave yourself or I’ll tack your hide to the wall.  I’m watching you.  Always watching you.

{Dewey acts nervous as Marm goes to get Holly, Dewey pulls out a sprayer and sprays around the main chair then sprays a breath freshener in his mouth.  Presently Holly comes in.  He could spray a few blasts into the audience, at the pianist, etc.}

Holly: Professor Cheatem, Marm said you wanted to see me.

Dewey: Yes, my dear.  It’s about you possibly taking my chemistry class.  Why don’t you come over here and have a seat.

Holly: But I don’t want to take chemistry.  I just want to...

{He leads her to the chair he has sprayed.  As she gets close to the chair she suddenly stops and looks dazed.}

Dewey:  Are you alright.

Holly: {Monotone}  Alright.

Dewey: {Helping her into the chair}  Good.  Now you will listen to what I say, right?

Holly: {Monotone} Listen to what you say right.

{Marm comes in acting as if she is trying to find an excuse to come through.  Dewey is really annoyed by this.}

Dewey: If you would excuse us, Madam, we are trying to have a private conversation.

Marm: I’m not sure I trust you?

Dewey: Tell me what things there not to trust?

Marm: I don’t have that much time left in my life.  And if you try anything neither will you.  Well, I only came in to um, to uh, {she sees some cups or pop bottles on the coffee table} get the trash that was left here.  Can’t have a mess you know.

{She goes over to the table by the chair Holly is sitting in and grabs some cups and starts off with them.  She has just passed the chair Holly is sitting in on her way out, when she stiffs and starts to stagger, continues,  but does not make it completely off stage before she turn to face the audience as if into a trance.}

Dewey: Now, where were we.  Oh yes.  Alright my dear.  You are going to fall madly in love with me.

Holly: But...

Dewey: {Waving his hand slowly in front of her} Madly in love.

Holly: {In trance} Madly in love.

Marm: {In trance but quieter so as if Dewey doesn’t hear her and mouthing the words big to the audience.} Madly in love.

Dewey: You will think I am the most handsome man.

Holly: Most handsome man.

Marm: Most handsome man.

Dewey: Your only thought will be for me.

Holly: Only thought will be for you.

Marm: Only thought will be for you.

Dewey: You will want to marry me.

Holly: Marry you.

Marm:  Marry you.

Dewey: You will...

{ Still in a trance, Marm drops the things she has picked up.  Dewey turns and sees her and does a double take, realizing what has happened as she smiles at him and bats her eyes.}

Marm: Marry you.

Dewey: {Crosses to Marm}  You madam must leave.

Holly: Must leave.

Marm: Must leave.

{Holly gets up to leave as Marm turns to leave.  Dewey panics and goes right over the furniture to Holly.}

Dewey: Not you.

Holly: Not you.

Marm: Not you.

Dewey: {Going back to Marm}  Confound it, Mam, snap out of it.

{With that he claps his hands loudly.  Dewey moves back over by Holly as both women come to as if out of the trance, but still have the effects and shake their heads as if to clear them.}

Marm: Wow, I feel funny.  Let’s see, I was heading to the kitchen with these cups.  I can’t remember dropping them. {She stoops and starts to pick them up then turns to see Dewey.  She starts flipping her hair and swinging her hips as she moves toward him.  Dewey looks scared.} [Editor’s note: One fun thing we did here was have the pianist play a stripper type of music and it really brought down the house with laughter as Marm swung her hips and kept flipping her hair back.]  Has anyone ever told you, you are the most handsome man.

{Dewey does a bit of a laugh not sure what to do as he is backing up and Marm is pursuing him.}

Marm: A man like you really makes my blood hot.

Holly: {Standing up}  Wait a minute here.  He’s my man.

Marm: You stay out of this little missy.

Holly: But I plan to marry him.

Marm: Excuse me.  Excuse me.  Were you making a joke or something?   I think he would prefer a much more mature woman don’t you?

Holly: Well, no.

Dewey: No!  No!  No!

Marm: {Still to Holly} No!  Thinking like that is why you are failing your classes.  Now sit down! {Holly dutifully sits down with a push from Marm.  Marm turns to Dewey.} Did you say something?

Dewey: {Timidly} No.  Uh no.

Marm: Now, my handsome man.  Why don’t you and I, go for a stroll together?

Dewey: I don’t think...

Marm: I said stroll!

Dewey: {Marm grabs his arm and starts to drag him off stage} Yes, a stroll.  {As she is dragging him off he breaks free and grabs the bottle of antidote.} How about a little pick me up?

Marm: {She takes it from him and sets it back on the table.}  Nope, never touch the stuff.

{She drags him off stage.  Holly starts to cry.  Stu comes in.}

Stu: Holly, what’s the matter?

Holly: Marm just ran off with the man I am supposed to marry.

Stu: Marm ran off with the man you’re supposed to marry?  What are you talking about?

Holly: Marm just told me to sit down and then she took him and left.

Stu: Are we talking about the Marm that I know?

Holly: Yes.

Stu: And she ran off with a man?

Holly: Yes.  Drug him off actually.

Stu: And you were in love with this man?

Holly: Yes.

[Director’s Note: This was again a fun place for music.  We played a sad love song, something like “Memories”.]

Stu: {Starting to get over dramatically sad} I see.  Then it is true.  Professor Cheatem told me you were going with another guy. And all this time I thought you were in love with me, like I was in love with you.

Holly: I am.  I was.  But now I love someone else.  Oh, I’m so confused.  I...I...I just know I have to marry him even if he’s a big jerk.

Stu: I hear you passed your math test too.

Holly: Yes.  One-hundred percent.  And it only took me ten minutes.  Math is easy.

Stu: {Very melodramatic}  So perhaps you were just toying with me.  You never needed me as a tutor.  And now you  don’t want me any more because you’re in love with someone else.

Holly: But we can still be friends and play with your androids right?

Stu: No, it’s just best if we don’t see each other any more. {He reaches out to shake her hand.} I guess this is goodbye.  Take care of yourself.

{Stu leaves and Holly really starts to cry.  Charlie comes in.}

Charlie: Miss Holly, are you alright?

Holly: {Nods as if in control then really breaks down}  No.

Charlie: {Pulling out a dirty old, oily rag} Here. {Holly blows her nose in it and has black all over her face.  She hands it back to Charlie and he acts like it is toxic, looks to see if anyone is looking, then tosses it off the stage.} Now you tell your old friend Charlie all about it.

Holly: {Trying to get herself under control} Well, you see, I was in love with Stu.  But now I’m not, I’m in love with someone else, but Marm took him away and Stu left because of the someone else that I was in love with that Marm took since it wasn’t Stu and he said we couldn’t even be friends and play with his androids because it would be best that way.

Charlie: {Looking lost} Uh, right.  Could you run that one by me again?

Holly: Oh, Charlie.  I’m so confused.

Charlie: That makes two of us.  

Holly: Charlie, have you ever had a... a, you know, a girlfriend.

[Director’s Note: We had fun here again with the music.  We played “Love Story” again until he says she hit him over the head then the pianist just played a blat on the keyboard and quit.  The main thing is to play the same music played for Marm in the earlier scene.]

Charlie: Well, a long time ago I really liked a girl.  

Holly: What happened?

Charlie: She gave me a heart that said, “Some say you’re a geek, some say you’re weird.  Let’s be friends if you’re not a feared.”  

Holly: {Aside to audience}  Something seems familiar about that. {To Charlie}  What did you do?

Charlie: I was pretty handy at making chemistry things so I made a batch of an ivory colored soap.  Then I carved them into beautiful heart shapes.  My dad had given my mom a box of heart shaped chocolates for Valentine’s Day so when Mom was done with box I put the soaps in it to make them extra special and then gave them to her.

Holly: Oh, that is so romantic.  I bet she liked that.

Charlie: {Getting melodramatically choked up}  I don’t think so.  I think the heart and note was just to make fun of me because the next day she brought my box of soaps and hit me over the head with them and then pounded me real good.

Holly: {Starts crying again} That is so sad.

Charlie: Yea.  And you know what else.  The whole time she was pounding me she was so rabid she was foaming at the mouth and blowing bubbles. {Trying to regain his composure}  Hey, I think I could use a drink of water.  How about you?

Holly: Sure.

{As they are leaving Charlie spies the bottle of cologne spray.}

Charlie:   I just can’t figure out why this won’t work.  

{Charlie sprays a little on his hand and looks at it like he is thinking but doesn’t breathe it in then exits with Holly.  Marm comes in dragging Dewey.}

Marm: And after we’re married I think I’ll rearrange the furniture a bit.

Dewey: Now, hold on a minute.  Who says we are getting married?

Marm: {Grabbing him by the collar} I did.

Dewey: Oh, that’s right.  You did. {Aside to audience} I’ve got to find a way to get rid of this barracuda. {Suddenly spying the spray bottle} I’ve got it.  I’ll just hypnotize her again. {He walks over and picks up the spray bottle and holds it behind his back.  Then he turns to Marm.} What did you say that janitor’s name was.

Marm: Charlie.  Why?

Dewey: Maybe I’ll get him to help me.

Marm: Oh, you don’t want Charlie to help you.  Why you have to draw a line by him to see if he’s movin’.

Dewey: {Sprays her} Here, take a whiff of this.

Marm: What is... {There is a short pause as she acts like she is getting a bit dizzy.} Oh I feel funny.

Dewey: You have decided you are no longer in love with me.

Marm: {In a monotone voice} No longer love you.

Dewey: You are now in love with Charlie.

Marm: In love with Charlie.

Dewey: You do not think I am the most handsome man.

Marm: You are not handsome.

Dewey: You think Charlie is the most handsome man.

Marm: Charlie is the most handsome.

Dewey: You do not want to marry me.

Marm: Not marry you.

Dewey: You want to marry Charlie.

Marm: Marry Charlie.

Dewey: You will...

{Dewey is interrupted by Charlie and Holly coming back in with Charlie talking.}
 
Charlie: Yes, love is fickle thing.  You just have to watch yourself.

Holly: {Running to Dewey and acting as if in love} Oh, Mr. Cheatem.  I thought you were a goner.

Dewey: {Looking over at Marm} So did I.

Charlie: {Going up to Marm who is still in a trance and looking at her} What’s wrong with Marm.

Dewey: {Laughing a nervous laugh} Oh, nothing.

{Dewey claps his hands together and suddenly Marm starts coming around.}

Marm: Boy do I feel funny.  

Dewey: You look funny too.

Marm:  I feel like... {She pauses as she sees Charlie who is still looking ather.  She looks at him as if in a dream.  Marm starts to flip her hair and swing her hips as she moves to Charlie.  Charlie starts to tremble and looks scared as he moves away. [Driector’s Note: We again played the stripper type music here with great success.]} Oh, my wonderful Charlie.  Did anyone ever tell you that you are the most handsome man?

Charlie: {Looking at his hand that he sprayed the cologne stuff on.} Oh no!  The cologne I made must actually work.  It just must have needed some time to age.

Holly: The cologne?

Charlie: Yes, remember that cologne I made and had you try.  I put just a little on before we went into the kitchen.

Dewey: {To the audience} This is great.  This sap is falling right into my plan. {To Charlie}  Yes, that must be it.  It must be working now.

Marm: {Advancing toward Charlie as he backs up} Charlie, you devil you.  Where have you been hiding all my life.

Charlie: {Jumping the couch or trying to put chairs or anything he can between them} Madam control yourself.

Marm: {Going after him}  Control myself.  How can I control myself when you are here?

Charlie: {To Dewey, as he gets the cologne spray} I think I need to dilute that cologne a bit.

{Charlie grabs it and Dewey does too and they stand there with both of them holding it..}

Dewey: Oh, no.  This is mine.  Remember you... {Dewey’s cell phone rings again.  While he talks the others look annoyed.} Excuse me a minute. {He goes to side of the stage and starts to talk on the cell phone.} No, Mom it is not intermission yet...  No I didn’t forget to call.  Look, Mom, I’ve got to go.  No, I didn’t mean that way.  Yes, I promise to wash my hands if I do go.  Yes I will call you at intermission.  Ok, I’ve got to go.  Mom.  Alright.  I love you too.  Goodbye. {Dewey comes back over.} Uh, that was my um, Bookie.

Charlie: You know you can turn that thing on to buzz instead of ring.

Marm: Here, give it to me and I’ll do it.

{She takes the cell phone from him and acts like she is adjusting it, then hands it back.  Everyone gets back into their old positions.}

Dewey: Let’s see.  Where were we.  Oh, yes. {He grabs onto the spray bottle}  Now, Charlie, remember you gave the cologne to me.

Charlie: But it is obviously too dangerous.  We need to tone it down a bit.

Dewey: I like it the way it is.

Charlie: What would you use it for?

{Charlie and Dewey start trying to tug it away from each other.}

Holly: Oh, Charlie.  Don’t hurt my dear sweet Mr. Cheatems.

Charlie: Dear sweet Mr. Cheatems?

Holly: Yes.  We are going to be married.

Charlie: Oh, I see.  You already used it to get an innocent young girl to fall in love with you.  Well I’ll...

{Charlie raises his fist to hit Dewey, but just then Marm grabs Charlie and jerks him back toward her so he can’t get away leaving the spray bottle in Dewey’s hands.}

Marm: Oh, my dear sweet Charlie.  To think of all the time we’ve missed together.

{Charlie is still trying to get at Dewey.}

Dewey: It looks to me like you can’t do anything about it because you’re kind of busy.

Charlie: Oh, yea. {He turns to Marm} Marm.  I know you love me, but we must not let love get in the way of duty.  These many years we have cared for the girls that lived here.  And now one of our own is in trouble.  Mr. Cheatem is trying to trick Holly into marrying him.  Together we must stop him.

Marm: {Turns to look at Dewey who suddenly looks terrified} Yes, together we will stop him. {She releases Charlie.} What should we do?

Charlie: {Putting Marm in front of him and pushing him toward Dewey and Holly who are starting to back up}  First we must get Holly away from him for her own good.

Marm: You’re right.  

{She stomps over to Dewey and pushes him to a chair and drags Holly back to the other side of the stage.}

Holly: {Reaching out to Dewey} Oh, my sweet Mr. Cheatems.

{Charlie puts Holly behind him and then points back toward Dewey as Dewey struggles out of the chair and starts toward them.}

Charlie: Next, we need to pound him ever so good to teach him a lesson.

Marm: {Turns to face Dewey}  Yes, we need to pound him.

{As she advances toward Dewey he starts backing up.  he screams and runs off stage.  Marm stands for a minute as if not sure what to do.}

Charlie: We can’t let him get away.  He’ll just return.

Marm: You’re right.  

{Marm takes off after Dewey.  As does Charlie.  They run around the front of the stage into the audience with Dewey spraying at them and they are ducking.  Dewey can also have fun spraying the audience.}

[Director’s Note: We had fun with this one.  As Marm is facing off Dewey and advancing toward him we played the theme from “Rocky”.  Then when Dewey takes off around the front of the stage we had everyone go into slow motion and the pianist played “Chariots of Fire” as the chase continued.  As the chase ended and Dewey hit the stage again the slow motion ended.]

{As the chase ends they all run back on stage and Dewey runs off followed by Marm and lastly Charlie.  As Charlie is running by Holly calls after him.}

Holly: {Starting to cry} Oh, Charlie.  How could you do that to the man I love?

Charlie: Don’t panic.  Marm may be tough, but she isn’t fast. {Suddenly he notices the antidote.}  Now we’ve got to get some of that antidote down you. {He grabs the antidote bottle.} I sure hope this works.  Take a little sip. {Holly takes a sip and starts to wobble and passes out into Charlie’s arms and he lays her down gently on the couch.} Now I better go see if I can help Marm get that cologne away from Professor Cheatem.

Blackout

Intermission if desired.

To Read The Rest, Please Purchase The Script