Fun Skits From Other Plays

By

 Daris  Howard

Copyright ©2000 by Daris Howard

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A segment from the musical, 

Lilacs in the Valley

by 

Daris Howard 

copyright 1997

Cast

Alma Hale - A young man, late teens.  He begins the musical at a supposed age of 14 and is about 24 at the end.  With this in mind, he will need to be a young man who can look both ages.  He is also a quite a prankster, but has a loving heart.

Aroet (ah-ROW-it) Hale  - Alma’s brother and slightly older.  He will need to look from 16 to 26.  He is a lot more serious than his younger brother.

Henry Hale - Jonathan’s brother.  He is a man of about 35.  He has to be someone who can ham up his part and have a lot of fun.

Bishop William Hoagland - A man of  40-50 years.  He is the leader of the group from Winter Quarters to the Salt Lake Valley. 

Frank Walker, Tom , Andrew - These are young men of about 18 or 19.

Jim - A very old man in the company.  Walks with a cane, but is very feisty.  He is almost deaf and speaks in a loud voice.

*Bron Schultz - Gertrude’s cousin.  He is a foreigner and speaks with an accent, possibly German. Any age from about 20-50.

Gertrude Schultz - A big (or at least forceful) woman with a strong foreign (possibly German) accent.  She is tough and bossy, but likes to thinks she is weak and feminine.

Agnes Walker - Miles’s wife.  A no-nonsense kind of woman.  About 40 -50 years old.

Narrator:  This is a segment from the musical, "Lilacs in the Valley".  "Lilacs in the Valley" is set in the American West.  The scene is a wagon train heading west in 1849 led by a man named Bishop Hoagland (Bishop Hoagland steps out and bows).  A group of boys, the Buffalo Chip Gang, (Frank, Tom, and Andrew step out and take a bow) headed by Alma Hale (Alma steps out and takes a bow) are always playing pranks on everyone, especially Alma's Uncle Henry.  (Henry steps out and takes a bow.)  Henry is a determined old bachelor who's main goal in life is to avoid getting married, especially to the bossy, immigrant, Gertrude (Gertrude steps out and takes a bow), who is always after him.

Bishop Hoagland:{Calling offstage after those leaving.} We need to gather the wagons a little early tonight to prepare for the Sabbath.  {Turning to the young men, Alma, Tom, Frank, and Andrew who are attempting to escape offstage right.} Buffalo chip-detail, gather the material for the fire.

{Bishop Hoagland then exits stage left.}

Alma: I hate gathering buffalo chips!  Aroet got called to be a buffalo hunter and I get to be a buffalo chip hunter.

Frank: I know what you mean.  Someday our children will ask us what we did crossing the plains and we will have to say we were on buffalo chip detail.

Tom: Makes you want to stay single, don’t it?

Andrew: I think if they ask me I’m going to lie.

Alma: Maybe we could come up with some fancy name for it.

Frank: Like what?

Alma: I don’t know.  

Andrew: We also keep the water buckets with the dipper full.  How about “chip-n-dip detail”?

Alma: {And everyone else groaning.} That’s horrible.

Andrew: Well, it’s kind o’ catchy.

Frank: Sure, catchy like a disease. 

Andrew: You got any bright ideas?

Frank: How about “Prairie Cleanup Detail”

Andrew: Sure - where’s your mop and bucket?

Frank: Well it beats “Chip-n-dip detail”.

Andrew: Yeah, it beats it for bad.

Tom: Hey guys!  I got it!  I got it!  We can just tell them that when the chips were down they counted on us.

Frank, Alma, and Andrew (together): {groaning} Bad.

Alma: I think no matter what you call it, it will still be bad. {Music starts here.} Oh, how I hate those buffalo chips.

{Normally there is a real fun song here.  It can be put in depending on the time length allowed for the skit.}

Bishop Hoagland:{faking sternness}  All right guys, break it up!  Break it up!  We would like to eat sometime tonight.  Let’s get those buffalo chips gathered. {As the group starts off stage right he calls out after them.} And remember, it’s not what you do, but how you do it that matters.

Frank: {sarcastically} Oh, right.

{Bishop Hoagland exits stage left.  From offstage right Aroet comes in carrying his rifle, sore from hunting.  Henry comes from stage left.}

Henry: Oh, Aroet, how goes the buffalo hunt?

Aroet: Not a sign of ‘em.

Henry: That’s a tough break.  Our camp is getting a bit low, too.

Aroet: It is hard for me to see this group not eat as well as they should, especially the women and the children.

Henry: Speaking of the women, that young lady from the other company was over asking about you.

Aroet: Oh, you mean Olive Whittle.  She’s a fine lady.  She has the same name as Mother and she’s a real hardy woman.

Henry: A person has to be hardy out here.  By the way, Alma hasn’t been himself  lately.

Aroet: You mean he hasn’t played any jokes on you?

Henry: Not a one.  Not since your mother, father, and sisters died.

Aroet: I bet you’re glad of that.

Henry: Well, I think he needs a bit of spice put back in his life.

Aroet: So what do you plan to do about it?

Henry: Not plan to do, but done did already. {Bringing him close like he is sharing a secret.} I got a bunch of the little boys in camp to hunt me down some water snakes, lizards and the like.  Paid ‘em a penny a dozen.   I stuck ’em all in Alma’s bedroll.{He busts into laughter.}

Aroet: I think you’re askin’ for trouble.

Henry: Ah, I can handle Alma.

Aroet: Well, that’s good, ‘cause nobody else can.

{Alma and the buffalo chip detail come in stage right complaining about buffalo chips and buffalo in general.}

Alma: Aroet, any luck on the hunt?

Aroet: Not a sign of ‘em.

Alma: What do you mean not a sign of ‘em?  The whole prairie’s full of signs of em! {Shakes his foot as if he stepped in something.}

Aroet: Well you can’t eat buffalo chips.

Alma: You wouldn’t be gettin’ tired of huntin’ would ya?  I’d be very willing to switch ya jobs.

Aroet: Nice try, brother.

Henry: Uh, hey, why don’t you boys get your bedrolls laid out.

Alma: It’s a bit early don’t ya think?

Henry: Best to be ready early for the Sabbath.

Alma: Might as well. {To the other young men.} Come on guys.

{Alma and the other young men head off stage left leaving Aroet and Henry alone.}.

Henry: {Watching offstage with great anticipation.} Any time now. Any time now.

 {Suddenly you hear Alma scream offstage.  Henry falls down in an uncontrollable fit of  laughter.  A moment later Alma and the young men come back on stage carrying their bedrolls, acting as if nothing happened.  They start rolling out their bedrolls where they will be barely on stage but out of the way.}

Henry: What happened, Alma?   I thought I heard you scream.

Alma: Me scream?  You must have been dreamin’.

Henry: What’s the matter?  ‘fraid of a few lizards in your bedroll?

Alma: Nah, I just dumped them into your flour sack.

Henry: You did what?

Alma: {Now very suspicious} So, how did you know there was some lizards in my bedroll, huh, Uncle Henry?

Henry: {suddenly flustered} That reminds me, I was supposed to help with the ox teams.  Comin’ Aroet?

Aroet: Yeah, I’ll give ya a hand.

{Aroet and Henry exit stage left.}

Alma: {To Frank} Uncle Henry has never played a joke on me before.  There’s got to be some way I can get him back.  It’s got to be good, real good, I mean...

{Gertrude enters with Bron from up stage left .}

Gertrude: ’enry, Oh ’enry!  Oh, Alma, have you seen your uncle?

Alma: Just a minute ago.  He was headin’ back to camp.   What do you want with him?

Gertrude: De best of news.  My cousin Bron is headed to the Rocky Mountains too.  He vas in de last company.  We ’aven’t seen each other in years.  I vanted ’im to meet ’enry.

Alma: Well, I think Uncle Henry went down by the ox teams. {Gertrude and Bron start to head off up stage left.} Now as I was saying we need to get ...  Wait a minute.  I got it!  I got it!  Gertrude!  Gertrude!  Can I speak with you a moment?

{Gertrude and Bron, who are just about offstage, turn around and come back.}

Gertrude: Vat is it?

Alma: This is kind of a private thing. {Alma motions to Bron.}

Gertrude: Vould you excuse us, Bron?

{Bron wanders a short distance off, but not offstage, while Gertrude and Alma come downstage.}

Alma: Gertrude, you want to marry Uncle Henry, don’t you?

Gertrude: Vy, yes.  He is de most vonderful man.

Alma: You know, it might be that Uncle Henry just doesn’t know how to ask.  Maybe he just needs someone to show him how to treat you like a lady.

Gertrude: You’re not being mean about your uncle are you, or trying to play a trick on ’im?

Alma: {laughing} Would I do a thing like that?   {The young men behind Gertrude, now interested in what Alma is doing, nod.}   I mean he probably just hasn’t had an example of a man taking you by the arm, walkin’ with you under the stars, you know, that kind of stuff.

Gertrude: You tink dis is maybe so?

Alma: I’m sure of it.  You know, I bet your cousin would be the perfect one to show him.  Why don’t you get him to walk with you out by the wagons, treating you like a gentleman would and we’ll go get Henry to come see it.

Gertrude: Dis is a good idea, no? {Those where Gertrude can’t see shake their heads no.}

Alma: Oh, it is a good idea!{Gertrude goes back and talks to her cousin.}  It’s a great idea!

{The young men watch.  Soon Gertrude almost forcibly takes her cousin’s arm and they go offstage right  arm in arm.}

Frank: Alma, what have you got up your sleeve?

Alma: The greatest plan I have ever had, but I will need your help.

{Alma gathers the young men into a circle and they start to discuss in a huddle.

Tom: {Jumping up} You want us to do what?

{ They pull him back down.  After a few more seconds of discussion they break apart.}

Andrew: Do you think it will work?

Alma: If it does, we’ll have pulled off the greatest boondoggle ever.

Frank: And if it doesn’t?

Alma: Gertrude will probably kill all of us.

Tom: Oh, just a minor detail you forgot to mention.

Alma: All right, everyone.  You know what you’ve got to do?

Tom: I’ll get Henry.

{Tom heads off upstage left.  Everyone acts as if they are busy working on something.  Henry enters, followed by Tom.}

Henry: Tom says you needed to see me about something important.

{All the young men start to gather around.}

Alma: Oh, not that important.  I just wanted you to know that your prayers have been answered.

Henry: {Suspiciously} What prayers?

Alma: Oh, your prayers about Gertrude.

Henry: {Still suspicious} What about Gertrude?

Alma: Oh, she’s got another man.

Henry: {laughing} I don’t believe you.

Alma: {Pointing off up stage right.} Look for yourself.

{Everyone looks.}

Henry: Well I’ll be a horny toad!  Glory be, it’s true!

Alma: Yeah.  I told the boys, here, you didn’t stand a chance against a real gentleman, so your days with Gertrude are over.

Henry: {laughing} That’s the most interestin’ .. {Turning to face Alma realizing what he said.} What do you mean a real gentleman?

Alma: Yep, that’s what I told Frank here.  I bet him a day of pickin’ up his buffalo chips that you wouldn’t even have the guts to go tell that guy she was your girl.

Henry: What do you mean, my girl?  Who said she’s my girl?

Alma: All right Frank.  You got to pay up.  I told you he would be so afraid of a real gentleman that he wouldn’t even admit she is his girl.

Frank: I reckon I owe you.  I did think Henry had more in him than that.

Alma: Well, you can’t pick up chips for me tomorrow ‘cause it’s the Sabbath, so I suppose on Monday you...

Henry: Now wait a doggone minute here!  Nobody says Henry Hale can’t stand up for his girl.  I could go over there right now and tell that guy, whatever his name is, that she’s my girl!

Alma: Then why don’t you do it?

Henry: I never said she was my girl!

Alma: Frank, Monday be alright?

Frank: I guess that would be fine.

Henry: You think I don’t have it in me.  Well, I’ll show you.  I’ll go over there and tell this feller to beat it and you’ll see him hightail it right out of here.

Alma: Sure, you’ll go over there and scare him off, because you smell like you’ve been drug through an ox corral.  I mean, she’d never want to marry the likes of you now she’s met a real gentleman.

Henry: Oh, you think you’re so smart, Alma Hale.  I’ll have you know that Gertrude has often wanted me to marry her.

Alma: That was before she met a real gentleman.  I mean, look at them.

{Everyone looks offstage right again.  Some of the young men whistle.}

Henry: I could bet you a day of workin’ with the oxen against a day of pickin’ up your stinkin’ buffalo chips that if I went over there right now she would tell that other feller to skedaddle and take me.

Alma: You’re on, since I know you’re gonna’ lose.  Safest bet of my life, don’t you think, guys?

{They all nod.}

Frank: Yea, Henry is gettin’ a bit old.  I really don’t think you ought to be takin’ advantage of him like this.

Henry: {Really getting steamed} Old!  Takin’ advantage, my foot!  What are you talkin’ about?

Andrew: {Patting Henry’s hair} You do have to admit, Henry, you’re losin’ a bit of hair.

Henry: {Really getting worked up now} I am not losin’ any hair.  ’sides, a little less hair looks distinguished.

Tom: You mean extinguished.

{They all laugh.}

Frank: {Mocking Gertrude} You stay out of dis.

{They laugh again.}

Henry: Laugh all you want, but I always said the busy path don’t grow no grass.

Frank: Yeah, well, I always said there ain’t no reason to cover an empty shed.

{They all laugh again.}

Henry: You think you’re really funny.  Well, I’m twice the man of any of you young hooligans.

Frank: {Patting Henry’s stomach.} We ain’t talkin’ weight or age now, Henry.

{They all laugh again.}

Alma: Sure, you may go out with a lady once, but once she found a real gentleman she wouldn’t go out twice.

Tom: {Running his fingers through Henry’s hair} Especially since she had already run her fingers through both your hairs.

{Everyone laughs again.}

Henry: {Now worked into a total frenzy.}All right that does it!  Alma Hale, I can show you I can win a woman just as well as the next guy.  I will bet you not one day, not one week, but one full month of picking up your stinkin’ buffalo chips, against your taking care of the oxen for me, that I can get Gertrude to marry me!

Frank: {Whistles.} Why, Alma, I think Henry really feels he can win her.

Alma: Nah, he’s just full of wind.

Henry: You just wait and see.

Alma: Well it looks like Gertrude and this man are coming over so you are going to get your chance.

{They all look offstage right and Alma grabs Tom while Henry isn’t looking and signals for him to go get everyone from camp.  Tom runs off upstage left.  Gertrude and Bron enter from stage right still arm in arm.}

Gertrude: ’enry I want you to meet my...

Alma: {Hurriedly interrupting.} Uh, Gertrude, before you say anything Henry has something he wants to say,{then sarcastically} that is, if he’s got it in him.

{Henry steps up and fiercely separates them, turns and faces Bron.}

Henry: First I want to say this is my girl and you better stay away!

Bron: But I’m ...

{Andrew, quickly puts his hand over Bron’s mouth from behind.}

Andrew: {To Bron} You heard the man - this is his girl.

{The rest of the camp comes on from up stage left led by Bishop Hoagland, Tom, Aroet, and Rachel just in time to hear Henry.}

Henry: Gertrude, will you marry me?  You don’t need to go traipsing off with any other man. {with this he points to Bron}

Bron: But she’s my...

{Alma puts his hand over Bron’s mouth before he can say more.}

Gertrude: {Finally grasping some of the situation whacks Bron.}You ’eard the man.  Stay out of dis. {Bron falls silent.} Oh, ‘Enry, I thought you’d never ask.

Alma: {Turning to face the crowd.} Let’s hear three cheers for  Henry.  Hip, hip-

Crowd: Hooray!

Alma: Hip, hip-

Crowd: Hooray!

Alma: Hip, hip-

Crowd: Hooray!

{Henry smiling, waves to the crowd.  Alma signals to Frank.}

Frank: Let’s have the weddin’ tonight.  Right now. We’re all here.

Henry: But, I don’t ...

Andrew: Yeah, a wedding tonight.

Crowd: {Chant led by Tom, Frank, and Andrew.  Henry starts to get nervous.} A wedding, a wedding, a wedding, a wedding..

Alma: Yea, the bishop’s here.  What do ya say, Bishop?

Bishop Hoagland: Well, it’s a bit unusual, but it’s not like they haven’t known each other for a long time.

Gertrude: Yes, tonight.

Henry:  But, I think we should stop and think for a moment.

Old Jim: Did he say there’s another woman?

Gertrude: {In a mad tone looking at Henry} Another voman?

Henry: {Remembering the other episode, so somewhat in a panic.} No, no there’s no other woman.

Frank: {To Henry} Then, there’s no time like the present, I mean, considering your age and all.  Pretty soon you won’t be capable of doing anything.

Henry: {indignant} I’m as capable as anyone.

Alma: Well, then it’s settled.  A wedding tonight.

{Everyone cheers. Tom runs offstage left and runs back on carrying a stool  for Bishop Hoagland to stand on.  Bishop Hoagland steps up on it.}

Bishop Hoagland:  All right.  Everyone gather ’round.  Let’s get the couple up here in front. {After Henry and Gertrude are arranged in front, Bishop Hoagland starts.} Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this couple in ...

Gertrude:  ’old it!  ’old it! {There is a long pause as everyone stares at her in disbelief.  The woman grab the children to protect them.} I don’t ’ave any flowers.  A girl ‘as got to ‘ave flowers for ‘er vedding.

{Henry is relieved.  Everyone relaxes.  They look at one another and shrug.}

Agnes: But Gertrude, dear, there are no flowers here.

Henry: Nope, no flowers. {Henry acts like he is ready to sneak off, but Gertrude jerks him back.}

Alma: {Almost in panic.} I know. {He runs offstage right with everyone staring after him and comes back on carrying a large, ugly sage brush.  Then he hands it to Gertrude.} Uh, it’s not flowers, but it smells kind of, um, “sagey”.

Bishop Hoagland: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the marriage of this couple.  If there are any who would say otherwise, let them speak now or forever hold their peace. {The young men all grab Bron covering his mouth and threatening him.} Do you, Henry Hale, take Gertrude Schultz to be your lawfully wedded wife as long as you both shall live?

Henry: {Hesitantly.} Well, I ... 

{The young men all start to sing a capella:}

Buffalo chips, buffalo chips, how I hate those buffalo chips,

In my mouth and hair and everything I wear...

Henry:{In a loud, mad tone} I do!

Bishop Hoagland: Do you, Gertrude Schultz, take Henry Hale to be your lawfully wedded husband for as long as you both shall live?

Gertrude: {In a sweet lovey voice} I do.

Bishop Hoagland: I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may now kiss the bride.

Old Jim: But what about this other woman?

{Gertrude throws the sagebrush toward the crowd.  Instead of trying to catch it the women scream and everyone tries to move out of the way to let it fall to the ground.  Gertrude prepares for a kiss by closing her eyes and putting her arms out but Henry turns instead to face Alma who can hardly control his laughter.}

Henry: You think you’re so smart. Well, I guess I showed you.   Now about those oxen for a month.  Why, I’m going to tell the men to specifically let you have Widow Johnson’s ox, and you can...  {At this point, Gertrude, since Henry hasn’t kissed her yet,  grabs Henry and sweeps him into a kiss so her back is to the audience and all the audience can see is Henry’s arms flailing about. Two of the young men might hold Henry for her.  When she lets Henry up he just turns to Alma again.  Alma again can hardly hold his laughter.} And furthermore, I’m going to tell them ... {Gertrude again grabs him and takes him down.  When he comes up again he looks at Gertrude} Enough already. {Then he turns to Alma} You’ll be one sorry feller for tanglin’ with me.  You didn’t think I could do it, but oh, little did you know how smart your uncle is.  You’re messin’ with superior intelligence, boy, did you hear, sup...

Gertrude: Oh, ’enry.  ’usband and wife.  And to think that my cousin Bron got to be ’ere for our vedding.

Henry: {Whirling around to face Gertrude.} Your cousin, Bron?

Gertrude: Oh, yes.  Meet my cousin Bron.

Bron: {Shaking Henry’s hand vigorously.} Glad to meet you cousin ’enry. {He grabs Henry and gives him a big hug and a kiss on each cheek, European style.}

Gertrude: Oh, you know vhat I’m going to do.  I’m going to bake us a vedding cake.  ’Enry, I got the sugar, but I need some flour.  I guess I can use some of yours since it’s ours now.

Henry: {Totally shaken.} Sure, sure, whatever.

{Gertrude heads off upstage left.}

Agnes: Come on, ladies.  Let’s give her a hand.

{All of the ladies and girls head off upstage left leaving the men and boys on stage.}

Alma: {panicked} But Gertrude, that flour, the flour, it has...  Oh, never mind. {Alma shakes his head.} 

Henry: {Walking up and yelling in Alma’s face.} Cousin!  He’s her cousin!  You knew he was her cousin!

Alma: Well, Uncle Henry, you know how I am.  Sometime I forget the insignificant details.

Henry: {Still almost screaming.}  Insignificant details!  I am now a married man.  And to Gertrude.{Henry lunges  for Alma but is intercepted by Tom and Andrew who grab his arms and sit him down on a stump.}And she is off to bake me a cake.  You know what happened last time she baked me a cake? I couldn’t cut it. I threw it to my dog.  Had to hold a gun on him to get him to eat it.  He got his teeth so stuck in it he couldn’t get loose. I had to use a pry bar to get it out.  Nearly kilt him.  Lost half his teeth.  He would have been better off if I’d shot him. {putting his hand to his head} Oh, woe is me.  Woe is me. 

Alma: But Uncle Henry, you won the bet.

{*Normally there is a song here, and it is much better with the song.  I don't know if you can do music or not in the festival, but I left it out assuming you can't}

{Henry goes for Alma again and chases him to stage left, but before he can catch him he is met by Gertrude.}

Gertrude: 'enry 'ale, dere are lizards in your flour sack.  You come get them out this instant. {Henry looks up at her, then up at the young men (who are choking on their laughter) then slowly stands and starts offstage.  Gertrude pushes Henry offstage while speaking.}  It is obvious you need a vife to take care of tings for you.

Alma: {Calling after them as they leave the stage} But Aunt Gertrude, they're all edible.

Gertrude: {Turning to face Alma.}You stay out of dis!

{Gertrude exits.}

All the Men: Poor Henry.

{Lights Fade.}