April Fools

By

Daris Howard

Dramatist Personae
                            
Sherrie Miller - Pretty girl, wears glasses and doesn’t make herself up much.  A waitress.

Dixie - Girl about 18.  Flirtatious.

Chelsea - Another girl about 18, a bit more serious.

Camille - Third of the four roommates.  Playful, but has a good heart.

Samuel - Old man and wise.

Carl (David) - Good looking boy about late teens to early twenties.

Jack Miller - Sherrie’s cousin.  A mechanic.  Late teens to early twenties.

James Miller - Sherrie’s Uncle, Jack’s dad.

Mayor Rosch - Rich man (or woman) from out of state that has somewhat of taken over the town.  (If using a woman change references of him to her and he to she.)

Police Officer: Could be man or woman.

Mrs. Tanner: Carl’s (David’s) mother.

There could be lots of extras in the restaurant, at the campaign scenes, putting up signs, etc. and also Mr. Tanner if he is available.
Act I Scene 1                
    
{The stage is set up like a café with a counter to eat at.  Samuel is at the counter eating and Dixie, Chelsea, and Camille are at a table talking.  Sherrie is serving.}
                
Dixie: So what are we going to do for April Fools this year?
                            
Chelsea: I am fresh out of ideas.

Camille: Do you remember that one we played on Jake McIntire last year?  We got the whole town to think he was engaged.

Dixie: Poor, shy Jake.  Everyone stopped him to congratulate him.  

Chelsea: Do you remember when his mom came in here and chewed him out because she had to hear secondhand?

Dixie: And then I thought he was going to kill us when he found out who did it!

Camille: That one is going to be hard to top.  

Dixie: There’s got to be something we can do, but what?

Chelsea: I think the first thing we have to decide is to who.

{As they speak, Sherrie comes in with the food.}

Sherrie: Dixie, here is your rootbeer float.  Cherry seven-up for you, Camille.  And last but not least, cheese on rye with an orange soda for you, Chelsea.  Is there anything else I can get for any of you?

Dixie: Sure, how about Jack.  I could go for him in a tux over easy.

{The girls giggle.}

Sherrie: Sorry, I don’t interfere in his love life.

{The girls giggle again as Sherrie leaves.}

Camille: How about Sherrie?

Dixie: How about sherry what?

Camille: No.  How about Sherrie for our April Fools joke?

Chelsea: But she’s our roommate.

Camille: That will make it all the more fun.

Dixie: What can we do?

Camille: I don’t know.  What does she need?

Chelsea: She needs a man.

Dixie: {With a sigh.} Don’t we all.

Chelsea: But the only decent bachelor in the whole town is off limits to her because he’s her cousin.

Dixie: He’s off limits to everyone because he’s mine.

Camille: In your dreams.  He wouldn’t take you to the pig calling contest even if you were the pig.
            
Dixie: Funny.

Camille: He wouldn’t take you to a dog show if you were the...

Dixie: All right!  All right!  At least I’ve been out with him and you haven’t.

Camille: Only because you talked Sherrie into setting him up on a blind date with you.  I thought a blind date was supposed to be with someone you don’t know.

Chelsea: Well, that works.  He sure acts like he doesn’t know her any more.

Dixie: How was I supposed to know that calling his big pickup truck a car in public would offend him?

Chelsea: Actually, I think it was your wearing that rose colored chiffon formal when he was taking you to the crash-up derby that turned him off.

Dixie:  Actually, I think he secretly likes me.

Chelsea: It would have to be secret because he sure doesn’t seem to want anyone to know it.

Camille: And what I think, Dixie,  is you’ve been hit over the head by a monkey-wrench.

Chelsea: We’re getting off of the subject.  What can we do to April Fools Sherrie?

Dixie: We could set her up on a blind date.

Camille: Are you crazy?  Sherrie hasn’t gone on a single date in her whole life.

Chelsea: Besides, where would we find a man?

Dixie: We’ll make up one.  That will be the fun of it.

Camille: You know she’ll turn us down flat.

Dixie: Not if we make him appealing enough.

Camille: What kind of man would be that appealing to Sherrie?  We’re talking about the national wall-flower of the year winner.

Dixie: It would have to be someone that needs her.

Chelsea: Someone that needs her?  She’s a waitress, for heaven sake.

Dixie: You know how she is always dragging home some poor dog or cat.  We can just make up someone whom she feels needs to be taken care of.

Chelsea: Great.  Let’s just go to some city and stop at the homeless shelter to ask for resumes.

Dixie: Get serious.

Chelsea: I am serious.

Camille: Dixie’s right.  There has got to be some way to appeal to her soft side.

Chelsea: How?

Camille: We make up a guy with the kind of characteristics that would appeal to her.

Chelsea: What kind of characteristics?

Camille: I don’t know.  Let’s make a list.  Grab a napkin.  I’ll get a pen.

{Camille gets up and goes to the counter and asks for a pen.  Samuel, who is sitting there, very interested gives her his.}

Samuel: Here, I have one.  Use mine.

{Camille goes back to the table.  Samuel keeps an eye on them and seems greatly interested in what they are doing.}

Camille: All right, let’s list his features.

{The features can be changed somewhat to match whoever is available for the part.}

Dixie: He’s tall.

Camille: {Writing} Tall.

Dixie: Dark.

Camille: {Writing}  Dark.

Dixie:  Handsome.

Camille: {Writing} Handsome.

Chelsea: Oh, I feel sorry for him already.  Maybe I can go out with him.

Dixie: You would want him to be good looking, wouldn’t you?

Camille: How about his apartment just caught fire and he lost everything he owns?

Chelsea: Oh, that’s good.

{Camille writes it down.}

Dixie: I got one.  What if he were an orphan like she is?  

Chelsea: She is only kind of an orphan since her uncle adopted her when her parents died.

Dixie: I know.  That makes Jack more like her brother than her cousin.

Camille: Would you forget about Jack for a minute?

Chelsea: An orphan is a good idea.  It will also make it so we don’t have to try and explain his family.

Camille: All right.  I’ll write it down.

Dixie: Where should we say he’s from?

Camille: How about Weston?  I usually spend a month or so over there every summer so I can handle any questions she asks on that one.

Dixie: That would work.

{Camille writes it down.}

Camille: Anything else we’re missing?

Chelsea: What about his age?  She’s sure to ask his age.

Dixie: How about 19, but he looks 25.

Camille: {Writing}  That sounds good.

Dixie: What should we say he drives?

Chelsea: How about a Corvette?

Dixie: I could go for a Mercedes.

Camille: Right.  He’s an orphan, his house burned and he has nothing left, and he is supposed to drive a Mercedes.  Then how is she supposed to feel sorry for him?

Dixie: You’re right.  Can the car.  

Camille: Ok.  Anything else?

Dixie: I can’t think of anything.

Chelsea: Me either.

Dixie: When are we going to supposedly set them up?

Chelsea: April Fools Day is three days away.  Let’s tell her he’s going to pick her up for dinner.

Camille: That would never work.  She has to work dinner.

Dixie: How about if we say he will pick her up after work?

Camille: After work would be after one in the morning so it wouldn’t be April Fools Day anymore.

Dixie: Let’s just move it up a day.

Camille: Where would he take her that time of night?

Chelsea: We could say he was taking her to Bend where they have that all night movie theater.

Camille: And how is he going to get her there?  We just said he doesn’t have a car.

Chelsea: You’re right.

Dixie: I’ve got an idea.  The only thing open here after 1:00 is the dancing over at Wagon Wheel skating rink.  They have dancing that goes to 2:00.

Camille: Who is going to take someone out for only one hour of dancing?

Dixie: You got any better ideas?

{They all look at each other and shrug.}

Chelsea: The bar is open, but she won’t go there.

Dixie: We’ll just say he wanted to start out slow and only do an hour of dancing because he’s shy.

Chelsea: I suppose that would work.

Camille: Anything else?

Chelsea: Yea, one thing.  What are we going to do to let her know she’s been April Fooled?  We really don’t want to hurt her feelings.

Dixie: What if we show up as the date and bring a cake and ice-cream?  She surely can’t be mad or hurt at that.

Camille: You’re not planning on making the cake, are you?

Chelsea: Yea.  We want it to be a surprise, not a murder.

Dixie: Very funny.  I just thought we’d pick it up at the grocery store bakery.  

Camille: Sounds good.  Ok.  Everyone read the items one last time before we do it.

{They pass the napkin around as they work on their food.}

Dixie: Here she comes.

{Sherrie comes over.}

Sherrie: How’s the food?

Dixie, Chelsea, Camille together: Great.

Sherrie: Is there anything else I can get for you?

Dixie: No, but there’s something we want you to do.

Sherrie: What’s that?

Dixie: We want you to go out with a guy.

Sherrie: I don’t really think...

Camille: Now, don’t say no until you know more about him.

Chelsea: You can’t judge a book by it’s cover you know.

Sherrie: But I’ve never been out with a guy before.

Dixie: That’s why you should do it now.

Camille: Yes, this is the perfect guy for your first date.

Sherrie: What’s his name?

Together:       Camille: Carl
                       Dixie: Fred
 
Sherrie:        Carl and Fred?

Camille: Yes his name is Fred Carl Howard.  You see, he is Dixie’s cousin and his family always calls him Fred, but he prefers to go by Carl.  Isn’t that right, Dixie?

Dixie: Oh, yeah!  That’s right.

Sherrie: And why do you think he would be perfect for me?

Dixie: Because he’s tall, dark, and handsome.  {Chelsea kicks her under the table.} Ow.  I mean he’s really shy and needs a good friend.

Sherrie: Why’s that?

Chelsea: {Taking a quick glance at the napkin.} You see, his home just caught fire and he lost everything he owns.

Camille: It’s especially tragic since he is an orphan and everything he had about his family was in that house.

Chelsea: Not a thing left.

Dixie: Nope.  He’s got nothing but the clothes on his back.

Sherrie: How old is he?

Camille: He’s 19 but I would have to say he looks about 25.  Wouldn’t you say, girls?

Dixe and Chelsea (ad libbed): Oh yes.    Definitely.

Dixe:  I would have to say being an orphan and all he’s been through has matured him.

Sherrie: What does he do?

Together    Camille: He’s a mechanic.
                   Dixie: He’s a waiter.

Sherrie: He’s a waiter and a mechanic?

Camille: Not exactly.  You see, he was a mechanic, but the garage on the side of his house burned when the house burned.  He’s been working as a waiter lately, but I think he really wants to get back to being a mechanic.  Wouldn’t you say so, Dixie?

Dixie: Oh, yes.  Absolutely.

Sherrie: Is he from around here?

Camille: Oh no.  He’s from over in Weston.

Sherrie: What is he doing over here?

Dixie: Looking for a job as a mechanic.  He just got tired of being a waiter and is trying to get back to mechanic work.

Sherrie: I wonder if Jack would know him.  He knows just about all of the mechanics between here and Livermore.

Camille: I don’t think he would know Carl.  Carl just did it out of his small garage.  Anyway, would you like to go out with him?

Sherrie: I don’t know.  Really, I just...

Dixie: Oh, come on.  He really could use a friend right now.

Sherrie: When would the date be?

Camille: The day after tomorrow, right after work.  He would take you dancing at the wagon wheel skating for an hour.  Nothing big, just something to introduce you.

Sherrie: I suppose just for an hour would be ok.

Dixie: Great!

Camille: Let us tell you how you will recognize him.

Dixie: He’s tall, about six foot with black curly hair and blue eyes.  He.... {This could be adjusted so it somewhat fits the person playing Carl.}


{The lights fade as their voices trail off.}




Act I Scene 2

{As the lights come up Samuel is at the counter and Sherrie is cleaning tables.  Samuel is reading the paper.  Samuel goes to the edge of the stage as if hollering into the gas station.}

Samuel: James!  James!

James: {Hurrying in at the counter} What is it, Samuel?  Is something on fire?

Samuel: The Mayor intends to implement that law he got passed last year.  What are you going to do about it?

James: What can I do?  According to the city charter, any law passed can only take effect one year later.  So to get rid of it would take a year.

Samuel: But you know he only passed the law to force your gas station out of business.  He’s targeting you directly so he will have the only gas station in town.

James: I know, but what can I do?

Samuel: Take it to court.  Challenge him on it.  

James: I don’t have the money.

Samuel: So you’re going to just let him shut down your gas station?

James: Actually, I’ve been thinking I might have to shut down my restaurant, too.  I can’t make ends meet without the gas station.

Samuel: And just where do you think I am going to eat?  I’m not about to go to the Night Spot.  I wouldn’t eat in the mayor’s joint if you paid me.

James: I don’t know what to tell you.  You’ve been a loyal customer and a good friend.

Samuel: And what about the garage?

James: Jack is doing such a good job in the garage that he should be able to keep it open.

Samuel: I still think you should fight it.  I don’t like the idea of someone from out of town coming in with lots of money and thinking he owns the place.

James: Well, he was elected mayor.

Samuel: Only because he had so much money he bought up every ad space in the town.
        
James: What day did the paper say the law took effect?

Samuel: April 15th, which would be two weeks from tomorrow.

James: Wow.  That year went by fast.

Sherrie: {Coming up.} What law are you two jabbering about?

Samuel: That one the mayor got rail-roaded through the city council last year.

Sherrie: What law is that?

Samuel: The one that says there cannot be a gas station within 117 feet of the river.  It’s obvious why he chose 117 feet.  Your uncle’s gas station is at 112 feet from the river and the mayor’s is at 130 feet.  It is a low down move to eliminate competition.

Sherrie: He can’t do that, can he?

James: I am afraid he already has.

Sherrie: We’ve got to get it repealed.

Samuel: According to the city charter a law can only take place one year from implementation and a repeal is itself a law.  Thus your uncle’s gas station would be closed for a full year before we could do anything.  By then he’d be out of business.

Sherrie: But Uncle Jim, the gas station is what brings customers into the restaurant.

James: I know, and I was just telling Samuel we may have to close it too.

Sherrie: But Uncle Jim, how could we.  We’ve always...

James: {Coming around the counter.} Sherrie, let me explain something. {Turning to Samuel.} Would you excuse us a minute Samuel? {He leads Sherrie to a table.} When your parents were killed your Aunt Edna and I adopted you.  When your Aunt Edna died I was concerned about raising a little girl.  I thought I could raise Jack all right, I mean, a boy is cars and trucks and such, but what did I know about pony tails and bows? But I knew I loved you and have done my best.  The reason I insisted you get an apartment when you graduated was so you could be with other girls.  Girls that could help you learn to dress and act like the beautiful young lady I know you are.  But you still pretty well live here at the restaurant.

Sherrie: But Uncle Jim, you and Jack are my family.  The restaurant is my home.

James: But I want more for you.  I want you to find a nice guy and raise a family.  Maybe even go to college.  Jack is about the only eligible guy in town and you can’t marry him.

Sherrie: What are you trying to say?

James: I’ve thought maybe I should close the gas station and restaurant so you can go on to college and have the best of life.  You’ve always wanted to go to college, haven’t you?

Sherrie: Yes, but, Uncle Jim, I could still stay here and just commute to college.  And what about you and Jack?

James: We’ll be ok.  Jack could have his pick of any of the girls in the town.  The garage will get us by.

Sherrie: Do your really want to shut down the gas station and restaurant?

James: Not really.  But the restaurant can’t make it without the gas station.

Sherrie: It’s just not fair that the mayor can do this!

James: Fair or not, that’s the way it is.  Now, I want you to knock off a bit early and get ready for that date of yours.  

Sherrie: Uncle Jim, I’m so nervous about this.  I was thinking maybe you could just tell him I’m sick.

James: Oh no you don’t.  You have a chance to meet a nice young man and you need to take it.

Sherrie: But the very thought makes my stomach all twisted in knots.

James: Maybe Jack could go with you as your chaperone?

Jack: {Coming in right then, still in mechanic clothes.} Go where, Dad?

James: Go as a chaperone with Sherrie to the dance with her blind date.

Jack: Not getting cold feet, are you, Sis?

Sherrie: More like frozen.  I don’t know why I ever let them talk me into it.

Jack: I wouldn’t mind taggin’ along as long as you don’t try to set me up with one of your roommates.

Sherrie: But all of my roommates are cute.

Jack: I suppose, but I don’t like to be thought of as a prize or catch, like I’m a sucker and they’re the fishermen.

Sherrie: I’d be very grateful if you would go.

Jack: I’ve got an errand to run and then I’ll get cleaned up.

{Jack leaves.}

James: You better get yourself cleaned up too.

Sherrie: All right.  Just let me finish the last tables.

James: {Heading back to the counter and addressing Samuel.} So, where were we?

Samuel: Actually, we were just about to mention Sherrie’s date.

James: I’m very happy that she has a date.  She needs to have a chance to meet some young men.

Samuel: I suppose.  I just hope it all turns out well.  I stuck around a bit late tonight to see.

{Carl comes stumbling in, almost running into Sherrie.  He is in a suit that is torn as if he were in a fight.  He is bleeding and dazed.}

Sherrie: Sir, are you all right?

Carl: Where.. Where am I?

Sherrie: You are at the Gas-n-Grill. {Then noticing he is bleeding.} You’re bleeding.  Here sit down. {She helps him to a seat.  Then she yells for Jim.} Uncle Jim!  Uncle Jim!  Come quick!

Jim: {Running up.} What the matter?

Sherrie: {Pointing at Carl.} He’s hurt.

Jim: You look like you’ve taken a nasty blow to the head.  What happened?  

Carl: I don’t know.  I woke up on the side of the road and saw your light.

Jim: Can you remember anything?  

Carl: Not really.  

Sherrie: What’s your name?

Carl: I’m not sure.

Jim: Do you have a wallet or anything?

Carl: He reaches in his pockets and finds nothing.

Jim: It looks like you’ve been robbed too.

Sherrie: You’re name doesn’t happen to be Carl does it?

Carl: I’m not sure.  That sounds right.

Sherrie: It’s obvious what happened.

Jim: What?

Sherrie: He got robbed on his way over here.

Carl: I feel so dizzy.

Jim: We need to get him to the hospital.  Run get Jack and have him bring his truck around.

{Sherrie runs out.  Momentarily she comes in again.}

Sherrie: I can’t find Jack.  I pulled the car around.

Jim: Jack must have run somewhere for a minute.  I need him to help you so I can stay and watch the restaurant.

Samuel: What if I stay here and wait on customers?

Jim: I hate to be any trouble.

Samuel: It’s no trouble.  I wanted to be here for the blind date anyway.

Jim: All right.  Sherrie, let’s get him in the car.  Samuel, it’s almost midnight. {Handing Samuel some keys} You could probably just lock up if you want.

{They take Carl off stage.  There is a the sound of a car taking off.  Samuel sets up a table with three glasses of water, then sits down at the counter.  Presently in comes Chelsea, Camille, and Dixie carrying a cake.}

Dixie: Sherrie!  Sherrie!  We have a surprise for you.

Samuel: And I have a surprise for you.  I have your table ready.  Why don’t you have a seat?  

{The girls look at him a suspiciously.}

Chelsea: {Sitting down.} Where’s Sherrie?

Samuel: She is with the blind date you set her up with.

Camille: What!?  There was no date.  We made it up as an April Fools joke.

Samuel: You know that and I know that, but Sherrie doesn’t know that.

Dixie: What are you talking about?

Samuel: I heard you girls plan this April Fools trick.  Though I didn’t agree with it, I stuck around to see how it went.

Dixie: All right!  All right! So you knew!  But what do you mean she went with her blind date?

Samuel: A young man stumbled in a little while ago.  He had been mugged and beaten.  He couldn’t remember anything.  Sherrie was sure he was this Carl you set her up with.

Camille: Where are they right now?

Samuel: Jim and Sherrie took Carl to the hospital.

Dixie: But he isn’t Carl.  Carl doesn’t exist.

Samuel: You know that, and I know that, but Sherrie doesn’t know that.

Camille: Is there an echo in here or what?

Chelsea: So what are we going to do?

Samuel: Considering this is the first boy Sherrie has ever gone out with, maybe we should wait and see how things turn out.

Dixie: Going to the hospital isn’t exactly going out.

Samuel: Are you going to be the ones to tell her that this guy that she thinks needs her is a fraud because you wanted to play an April Fools joke?

{The girls all look at each other.}

Camille: Are you sure you’re not trying to pull a fast one on us?

Samuel: What do you mean?

Camille: I mean, how do we know you’re not pulling an April Fools joke on us?

Samuel: At my age, I have learned that we could never come up with better jokes than the ones life plays on us.  You just wait until you meet him.

{Samuel gets up and goes back to the counter.}

Chelsea: Let’s wait to tell Sherrie this was an April Fools joke until we can sort this whole thing out.  Maybe this guy will turn out to be good for Sherrie.

Dixie: If there is any guy.  Maybe Camille was right.  Maybe they are playing a joke on us.

Chelsea: I suppose we can wait and see.  I kind of felt bad about the whole thing since Sherrie is so shy.  If there is really a guy and she likes him I couldn’t stand to ruin it.

Camille: If he is fake, it might turn out interesting to play along anyway.

Chelsea: We’ll know tomorrow anyway.  I vote that we don’t tell her unless all of us vote to do so.  Is it a deal?

Camille: All right.

Dixie: Ok by me.

Camille: We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

{The lights fade out.}



Act I Scene 3

{The scene is the same.  It is the next day.  Sherrie is wiping the tables.  Camille, Dixe, and Chelsea come in.  They slide into some seats.}  

Dixie: Sherrie, when do we get to meet your date? {Camille wacks her.} I mean when do we get to hear all about it?                

Sherrie: {Coming over.} I hardly know where to begin.  Everything happened so fast.

Dixie: Just start when he came.

Sherrie: I was getting nervous about going so Jack agreed to go with us.

Dixie: Why didn’t you invite us?

Sherrie: Jack thought it might be best not to.  Anyway, Jack left to get cleaned up, I thought, but he must have gone somewhere.  Before he got back Carl showed up.

Camille: Did he look just like we described him?

Sherrie: Well, pretty much.  I think he was a bit blonder and maybe a bit taller. {Or ad lib this as needed.} But he seemed confused and his head was bleeding.  He didn’t even know who he was.  We figured he had been mugged and beaten.  Uncle Jim decided we needed to take him to the hospital.  Since we couldn’t find Jack, Uncle Jim helped me take him and Samuel said he’d stay and watch the restaurant.

Dixie: Yeah.  We came and talked to Samuel.

Sherrie: He never told me that.

{The other girls flash Dixie a “be quiet” look.}

Dixie: So when do we get to meet him? {Chelsea whacks her from behind so Sherrie can’t see it, but the audience can.} I mean, when does he get out of the hospital?

Sherrie: When the doctor checked him this morning before I left, the doctor said Carl had a bad concussion and they wanted to watch him a little longer, but he should be able to go home today.

Chelsea: You stayed all night?

Sherrie: What else was I to do?  He was so confused and sick.

Dixie: So what did you do all night?

Sherrie: I held his hand and answered his questions as best I could.

Chelsea: What kind of questions?

Sherrie: Things like what his family was like, what he did, where he lived.  It’s a good thing you told me so much about him.

Chelsea: You told him the stuff we told you?

Sherrie: Sure.  What else could I tell him? You might be able to tell him more yourselves, but I did the best I could.  {Dixie, Chelsea, and Camille just look at each other.}  Anyway, Jack is with him this morning so I could come help Uncle Jim.  Jack said he’d come get me when the doctor said Carl could be released so I could go help get him.

Chelsea: Where is he going to stay?

Sherrie: Jack and Uncle Jim said he could stay at their place since his house burned down.  I know he is your cousin, Dixie, but where your parents are out of town I thought you wouldn’t mind.  Jack said he was way behind at the shop and Carl could help him there, since Carl used to be a mechanic.

Camille: We would like to see him.  I mean, he is Dixie’s cousin and all.

Sherrie: How long are you going to be sticking around here?

Dixie: We could stay for as long as needed.

Sherrie: I’ll tell you what.  When Carl’s ready to get out of the hospital I’ll see how he’s doing and if he feels up to it we’ll stop back here.

Jack:  {Comes in.} Hey, Sis.  He’s ready to go home.  Can you take a break for a minute?

Sherrie: Sure. {Turning to the other girls.} We’ll be back in just a bit.

{She starts to take off her apron and waitress things.}

Dixie: {Going up to Jack, flirting.} Hey, Jack.  There’s this girl I know that would love to go out with you.

Jack: Oh, really?  What’s she like?

Dixie: She’s cute.

Jack: Cute, huh?

Dixie: And smart.

Jack: {Nodding as if thinking.} Smart?

Dixie: And lot’s of fun to be around.

Jack: {Again thoughtfully.} Fun?  

Dixie: Yes.

Jack: That sounds like no girl I’ve ever gone out with before.  Why don’t you introduce me some time?

{Jack and Sherrie leave.  The other girls bust into laughter.  Dixie looks a bit put out.  After they stop laughing Camille starts to get up.}

Chelsea: Where are you going?

Dixie: Don’t you want to meet Carl?

Camille: I doubt there is any Carl.  I think we are the ones being suckered into an April Fools joke.

Dixie: So what are you going to do?

Camille: I’m going to call the hospital and find out if a, what did we say his name was?

Chelsea: Fred Carl Howard.

Camille: I’m going to see if a Fred Carl Howard was checked into the hospital.  Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go use the pay phone.

{She exits.}

Chelsea: That’s pretty smart.  I should have thought of that.

Dixie: I did.  Camille just beat me to the punch.

Chelsea: {Sarcastically.}Right.

{Camille comes back.}

Chelsea: Well?

Camille: It all checks out.  The hospital information desk said a Fred Carl Howard was checked in last night by Jim and Sherrie and he was just getting released.  He came in with a concussion and some other abrasions.  He apparently took a pretty bad beating.

Samuel:  {Coming over from the counter.} Didn’t believe me, huh?

Chelsea: We just wouldn’t put it past you to try to play an April Fools joke on us.

Samuel: As I see it, it would be hard to top the joke you’ve played on yourselves.

Dixie: And just what is that supposed to mean?

Samuel: I just can’t wait to see how this one plays out.

{Sherrie comes in holding Carl’s arm with Jack on the other side.  His head is bandaged.  They help him to a booth.  The other girls just stare.}

Sherrie: You just sit there and rest and I will get you a glass of cold water.  

{Sherrie goes to get the water.}

Jack: {To Carl} Would you like something to eat?  If you’ll be staying with us you’ll want to eat here.  Dad and I always do before we go home.  That way we don’t have to cook.

Carl: Sure.  What do you suggest?

Jack: Anything on the menu is better than hospital food, not that that is saying much.  But Freda, our cook, is pretty awesome.  I, myself, usually just go for a hamburger and fry with a cold milk shake.

Carl: That sounds good.

{Sherrie comes back with the water.}

Jack: Sherrie, Carl will have the Gas-n-Grill Super Special with a milkshake.

Sherrie: Great choice.  What flavor of milkshake?

Carl: How about chocolate?

Sherrie: Coming right up.

Carl: I don’t have any money to pay for this.

Jack: Don’t worry.  You can work it off.

Carl: I’d be glad to.  I really appreciate all you have done for me.

Jack: To be honest, I see a new sparkle in Sherrie’s eye.  It might be you we have to thank.

Carl: She’s really nice.  I don’t think I’ve met a girl that is as kind as she is.

Sherrie: {Coming back in.} Your meal will be ready in just a minute.  {The other girls have followed Sherrie over to the table.  Dixie clears her throat.} Oh, I’m sorry.  How rude of me.  Carl this is Dixie, Chelsea, and Camille, and this is Carl.  Of course you already know each other.

Carl: Actually I can’t remember.

Dixie: {Sliding in by Carl and being quite flirtatious.} I’m Dixie.

{Carl leans away from her.}

Chelsea: {Pulling Dixie away from Carl.} Dixie’s your cousin, you know.

Carl: Oh.

{Dixie shoots Chelsea a look of “How dare you.”}

Chelsea: We just wanted to see how you are doing, but we best be on our way so you can rest.  Right, girls? {The other two are still staring at Carl.} I said right, girls?

Camille: Oh yes.  Absolutely.

Dixie: I suppose.  

{They come down stage as if to talk alone.}

Chelsea: Dixie, what is your problem?

Dixie: What are you talking about?

Chelsea: I saw you putting the moves on him.

Dixie: When a good looking guy like that comes to town, I say it’s every girl for herself.

Chelsea: And I say he’s Sherrie’s guy and you should leave him alone.

Dixie: Sherrie’s guy.  Ha.  What does she know about catching a guy?

Chelsea: She may not be as outgoing as you, but she has as much right to have a boyfriend as you do.  Besides, she’s our roommate and you’re his cousin.

Dixie: I’m no more his cousin than I am Elvis Presley.

Chelsea: Well, Elvis, you better not ruin it for Sherrie or else.

Dixie: Or else what?  You’ll tell her that we all made up the date thing?  That would suit me fine.

Chelsea: Or else I’ll make your life miserable like only a roommate can.

Camille: Chelsea’s right.  We’ve got to all leave him alone as long as he shows any interest in Sherrie.  Everyone agreed?

Chelsea: Agreed.

{Dixie looks like she will pout.}

Camille: {Looking at Dixie} Agreed, Carl’s cousin?  His cousin really can’t flirt with him, now, can she?

Dixie: {In a mad tone.} Oh all right.  Agreed.

{The lights fade.}



Act I Scene 4

{As the lights come up Dixie, Chelsea, and Camille are at one of the tables.  Samuel is at the counter.  Sherrie is wiping the tables or counter.}

Chelsea: So, what do we do now?

Dixie: I don’t know.

Camille: I think we all agree this is one April Fools joke that has gotten out of hand.

Chelsea: So what do we do?

{Samuel has come up and sits by the girls.}

Samuel: Excuse me, ladies, but I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation.  What seems to be the problem?

Chelsea: Oh, Samuel.  It’s just we didn’t mean this joke to go this far.  Carl doesn’t know anything about himself except what Sherrie tells him and Sherrie doesn’t tell him anything except what we’ve told her.  And we made it all up.

Samuel: I kind of wondered when your consciences would bother you a bit.

Camille: It’s been almost two weeks and Carl doesn’t remember anything.  He still thinks he’s Carl.

Dixie: And so does Sherrie.

Samuel: So what do you think you should do?

Dixie: I think we should just tell them it was all fake.

Camille: And especially that Carl isn’t your cousin?

Dixie: That too.

Samuel: And then what about Carl?

Chelsea: What do you mean?

Samuel: If he thinks he’s Carl then he obviously can’t remember who he is.  If you tell him he’s not Carl then who’s he supposed to think he is?

Camille: Samuel’s right.  That might really confuse him.

Chelsea: What else can we do?

Samuel: You should really have all of the facts before you make a decision.

Dixie: We do have all of the facts.  The fact is he’s not Carl.  Carl doesn’t exist.

Samuel: The fact is we don’t know who he is and neither does he.

Chelsea: Then what do you suggest?

Samuel: I suggest you find out who he is.

Chelsea: How?

Samuel: By looking through newspapers about the time he showed up here.  Possibly searching through missing persons bulletins, etc.

Camille: That’s a good idea.  Let’s split up our search.  I will take the library and go through old newspapers.

Chelsea: I will check with the police for missing persons bulletins.

Dixie: I will check the post office.

Camille: The post office?

Dixie: You know, where they post the board with the help wanted people.

Camille: That is most wanted and those are criminals, not dates.

Dixie: Oh.  I thought some of them were kind of cute.

Chelsea: You are desperate, aren’t you?

Camille: We’ll work on it.  Thanks for the advice, Samuel.

Samuel: Not at all.

Chelsea: And thanks for keeping our secret.

Samuel: You’re welcome.  Let me know what you find out.

{The girls scurry from the table and go off stage.  Samuel goes back to the counter.  Jack and Carl come in dressed in mechanic clothes.  Carl holds back a bit.}

Jack: {Motioning to Carl} Come on in.

Carl: Is that, you know, girl gone?

Jack: Oh, the female pirana?  Yes, Dixie’s gone.  I thought you would be safe from her advances, being her cousin and all, but I suppose no one is.

Carl: {Comes in, looks around.}  I’ll just go wash up.

{Jack goes to a table and sits down.  Sherrie brings over some glasses of water.}
                            
Sherrie:  So, how’s it going, Jack?

Jack: Better every day.  For someone who was a mechanic he must have forgotten everything he ever knew along with his memory.  It’s like we’re starting from scratch.

Sherrie: He’s not a great mechanic, huh?

Jack: I’m not saying that.  I teach him something and it takes him just a bit to get it, but once he does, he doesn’t forget.  And he’s learning faster and faster everyday.  I’ll tell you, he’s one great guy and he’s going to be a good mechanic too.  It’s just you can’t learn it all overnight.

{Carl comes back in and sits at the table with Jack.}

Sherrie: So, what can I get you guys?

Carl: I’ll take the Gas-N-Grill Super Special with a chocolate milkshake.  

Jack: I’ll take the same with a carmel milkshake.

{Sherrie leaves with the order and Carl’s eyes follow her.  Jack notices.}

Jack: Do you like her?

Carl: {A bit embarrassed that Jack noticed.}  Yes.  

Jack: Why don’t you ask her out?

Carl: Because then I have to go to her apartment and my cousin makes me uncomfortable.

Jack: Just pick her up from here.

Carl: From here?

Jack: Just take her on a walk down by the river.  Walk her home at night, but take the scenic route.  You don’t have to go any place special to have a wonderful time.  She might be more comfortable with that anyway.

Carl: That sounds like a good idea.

{Sherrie comes back with their food.}

Sherrie: Two Gas-N-Grill Super Specials, one with a chocolate shake and one with a carmel shake.

Carl: {Touching Sherrie’s arm, shyly as she is about to leave.} Uh, Sherrie. Would you mind if I, um you know, um if I walked you home tonight.  Um,  maybe by way of the river.

Sherrie: {Really embarrassed.} I would like that.

{She turns and hurries off stage to the kitchen.}

Jack: Boy, you two are a pair.  Shy and shyer.  

{A police officer comes in.  It could be a man or a woman.}

Officer: {Coming up to the counter and calling.} Mr. Miller, I need to visit with you.

Jim: {Coming over to the counter.} What is it, Tom? {or Susan if female.}

Officer: I have this for you, signed by Mayor Rosch.

Jim: What is it?

Officer: It’s an order requiring you shut down your gas station within two days or face fines.  I’m really sorry.  I don’t agree with the order, but I have to do it as part of my job.

Jim: I understand. {The officer leaves.  Jim turns to Samuel.} Somehow I didn’t think he would go through with it.

Sherrie: {Coming in.} What is it, Uncle Jim?

Jim: We just got the order to shut down within two days.

Samuel: That mayor didn’t let the grass grow under his feet.  I really think you should fight it.

Jim: I don’t have the money to fight.

{Jack and Carl come over.}

Jack: What’s going on, Dad?

Jim: Oh that law the mayor passed.

Jack: What law?  

Samuel:  The one that says there cannot be a gas station within 117 feet of the river.  He chose 117 feet since your uncle’s gas station is at 112 feet and the mayor’s is at 130 feet.  It’s a lowdown, underhanded, sneakin’ weasel move to try to eliminate competition!  Why, I saw his employees out measuring the distances to the river before the law was passed.

Jim: Without the gas station I will have to close the restaurant.

Carl: It’s illegal to pass a law that targets one entity over another.

{They all stare at him.}

Jim: How do you know that?

Carl: {Looking like he’s trying to remember, yet startled at himself.}  I don’t know.  I just know that is the law.

Jim: What can I do?

Carl: Have you cross referenced the laws in the state law library?  State law trumps city law.

{They all stare at him again.}

Jack: How do you know all that?

Carl: {Looking as if some memory is coming back.} I don’t know how I know.  I just remember it from somewhere.

Jim: What do I do?  I don’t have the money to hire a lawyer.

Carl: What if I went to the library every day for a few hours and researched it?  I could get copies of the law books through interlibrary loan, and check out the measurements.

Sherrie: Can I help?

Carl: Sure.  I could use some help doing the measuring and looking through the law books.

Sherrie: When do we start?

Carl: I’ll get started right after work.

Jack: If you think it will do any good why don’t you take a bit of time off work.

Samuel: And I know someone that can work for Sherrie so she can help you.

Everyone: {Ad libbed} Who?

{Samuel smiles as the lights fade.}



Act I  Scene 5

{When the lights come up it is the same scene.  Samuel is dressed with an apron and other waitress items and is waiting on tables.  Dixie, Camille, and Chelsea come in.  They slide into a booth and start giggling at Samuel.}

Dixie: Why Sherrie, you’ve changed!

Chelsea: If it weren’t for the apron I wouldn’t have recognized you at all.

Camille: Is this the new you?

Samuel: All right, all right.  Laugh all you want.  Just make sure you leave an extra tip for the side show humor.

{The girls all laugh.}

Camille: That’s what I like about you, Samuel.  You’ve never grown old.

Samuel: You mean I’ve never grown up.  {The girls all laugh.} Maybe being high school janitor all those years around you young people kept me young too.

Chelsea: Well, you make a good waiter, {Then looking at the apron.} or waitress, or whatever.

Samuel: Let’s see how good I am.  Dixie, you’ll want a root beer float?  Cherry seven-up for  Camille?  And last but not least, cheese on rye with an orange soda for you, Chelsea?

{The girls all look shocked.}

Camille: How did you know?

Samuel: You order the same thing ever time you come in.  I think you have almost since kindergarten.

Chelsea: Make mine cheese on cracked wheat then.

{They all laugh as Samuel goes off for their order.  Then Samuel turns back.}

Samuel: By the way, any luck on finding out who Carl really is?

Camille: Nothing in the newspapers at the library.

Dixie:  Nothing at the post office.

Chelsea: One thing in the police report.  It seems there was an escape of three prisoners from the regional penitentiary.

Samuel: Yes?

Chelsea: They captured two of them, but the third is still missing.

Samuel: Where were they captured?

Chelsea: Almost 500 miles from here.

Samuel: Any word on the third one?

Chelsea: The other two said they got in a fight and left him by the side of the road.

Camille: Do you think that maybe Carl really knows who he is, but is just playing along to avoid his past?

Dixie: {Starting to panic.}  Maybe he staged the whole thing.

Samuel: Calm down, girls.  How easy is it to beat yourself into a concussion?

{The girls all look at each other feeling a bit silly.}

Dixie: But you don’t think, you know, that we...

Camille: You don’t think Sherrie is in danger with Carl, do you?

Samuel: You know, girls, I think a person is what he is no matter what environment you put him in.  I don’t think there are any criminal tendencies in Carl’s nature.  I think we’ll find that Carl was not the third criminal.  I may be wrong, but if I thought Sherrie was in any danger I would put a stop to this right now.

Camille: What do we do?

Samuel: First we need to get a picture of that escaped convict for our own peace of mind, plus a little more about him and what he did.

Chelsea: The picture’s on its way.  They said they’d get a picture of him in at the police station for me, but they’re getting very curious as to why I’m asking.

Samuel: As for continuing our search, I think our focus is too small.  We need to look in newspapers that have statewide or regional readership.  Have any of you searched that Internet thing?  How about that?  And at the police station, did you ask for nationwide missing persons or just regional?

Chelsea: I never even thought to ask for a difference.

Samuel: I would bet money they only gave you a regional listing.

Chelsea: We’ll try again.

{Samuel goes off to get their order.  Sherrie and Carl come in carrying a lot of books and plop down at one of the tables and start thumbing through them.}

Dixie: Hey, I thought you’d already graduated.

Sherrie: Very funny.

Camille: What are you doing?

Carl: We are trying to find a way that Mr. Miller can turn his gas pumps back on.

{Samuel comes back in with the order and joins the conversation.}
 
Samuel: One thing about it, since the law kicked in a week ago the mayor has shown his true colors.  He already jacked the price on his gas pumps up 30 cents a gallon.  But did you see the signs I put over James’s pumps?  They’ll tell people whose fault ...

Mayor: {Coming in carrying a big sign that says “These gas pumps shut off by law passed by city council under Mayor Rosch. Call 315-7124 to complain.} Who put these signs up that say, “These gas pumps shut off by law passed by city council under Mayor Rosch.  Call 315-7124.”

Samuel: That would be me.

Mayor: How dare you put my phone number on these?

Samuel: Are you not the one that got the law passed?

Mayor: Well, yes, kind of.

Samuel: Then if someone has a complaint who should they call?

Mayor: Not me!

Samuel: Why not you?

Mayor: You’re missing the point here.

Samuel: And what point is that?

Mayor: These signs make it look like it’s my fault.  

Samuel: And it isn’t?

Mayor: You are the ones that have your gas station so close to the river.  I am just trying to fulfil my job as Mayor and protect this city.  One of my jobs is to watch over the environment.  I want to be known as the environment mayor.

Samuel: With that much bull you could run a hundred thousand acre cattle ranch.  It hasn’t hurt you any being the only station in town, has it?  And why didn’t you make the law so it was say, 130, feet?  Were you afraid your pumps might be shut down?

Mayor: The point is that you cannot legally put my phone number up.

Carl: There is nothing illegal about putting your phone number up when it’s listed and it’s you people should call.  However, there is something illegal about coming onto someone’s property and taking down signs that don’t belong to you.  I think the legal term is vandalism.

Mayor: I don’t deal with punk kids.

Carl: We’ll see.

{The mayor storms out.}

Samuel: I almost feel like running against him for mayor.  If I wasn’t so old I would.

Carl: Is he up for election this year?

Samuel: Yes, but no one is running against him.

Carl: I think I might.

Samuel: I’d vote for you.

Sherrie: Me too.  And I’d help you campaign.

Dixie: {Flirtatiously} Me too.

Carl: {A bit embarrassed.}  Let’s get back at it.

{Carl and Sherrie go back to their table and go to work.  Samuel joins them.}

Samuel: Any luck yet?

Carl: Not yet.  I got these copies from the state law library on laws regarding rivers and streams and the environment.  I’m hoping they will give us something to go on.

Sherrie: It just seems so unfair since Uncle Jim just put in that new set of pumps on the south with those new government approved tanks.

Carl: What did you say?

Sherrie: I said it doesn’t seem fair.

Carl: No the other part.

Sherrie: Oh.  Only about two years ago Uncle Jim put new pumps on the south side of the restaurant and put in new government approved tanks to meet the new regulations.

Carl: But that would mean the tanks and pumps on the south and the tanks and pumps on the north are on different systems.

Sherrie: Yes.

Carl: That’s it.

Samuel: I’m not following you.

Carl: When Sherrie and I did the measurement the 117 foot mark ran right through the middle of the restaurant.  We could shut down all of the pumps on the north and leave the pumps on the south on and still be within the law.

Samuel: I’ll go tell Jim.  Let’s get them turned back on.

{Samuel exits.}

Sherrie: Then we don’t need to go through these books.

Carl: I’d still like to go through them to see if we can find anything else.

Camille: Can I help?

Dixie and Chelsea: {Ad libbed.} I can help too.

Carl: Sure.  Each of you take a book.

Chelsea: What are we looking for?  

Carl: I’m not sure.  Anything that will tell us something about the river laws, petroleum products, etc.

{They pass out the books and all start to study them.  Samuel even comes over to study one.  They study them some of them flipping pages quite rapidly, others reading a bit more intent.  They study for just a minute when the mayor comes in with the police officer and Samuel gets up to greet them.}

Mayor: I want to talk to Mr. Miller.

Samuel: What about?

Mayor: That is between me, Mr. Miller, and the police.

{Samuel goes off stage and comes back on with James.}

James: Can I help you Mayor?

Mayor: We have a writ here to have you shut down since I noticed you turned your pumps back on in opposition to the law.

Samuel: And the cars are lined up out there for a block, considering you raised your gas prices 30 cents per gallon.

Mayor: The point is you are breaking the law.

Carl: No, we aren’t.  You see, the 117 foot mark runs right through the middle of the restaurant so the pumps on the south are outside the 117 foot mark.

Mayor: But the ones on the north aren’t.

Carl: No, but they are tied to a different pump and a different system.  That’s why they are shut down.

Mayor: The law says any station within 117 feet of the river can’t be running.

Carl: The law says any gas pumps within 117 feet of the river.

Mayor: I don’t deal with punk kids. {To the police officer.} I expect you to do something.

Police Officer: Ok. {He/she rips up the writ.} I guess we won’t need this. {Tipping his/her hat.}  Have a nice day folks. {He/She smiles and exits.}

Mayor: But, but..

{Mayor starts to leave and is stopped by Carl.}

Carl: By the way.  I’ll be stopping by later today.  I’d like to pick up a form to run for mayor.

Mayor: Ooh.  Scary.

{The mayor exits.  Everyone gathers around Carl.}

Samuel: Are you really going to do it?

Carl: Sure.  Why not?  I’ve got a feeling I’ve always wanted to do something like this.  I think it would be fun.

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