THE 

FAMILY 

THAT SINGS TOGETHER...

A Musical Play by 

CHIP DEFFAA

Libretto, New Music, New Lyrics, 

and all Arrangements 

Copyright © 2009 by Chip Deffaa

Whenever this play is produced, the author’s name must be included in all programs and advertising.   Performance rights are strictly reserved.  Both amateurs and professionals considering a  production are strongly advised to apply to the publisher for written permission before starting rehearsals, announcing a production, or securing a theater. 

 Amateur and stock theatrical performance rights may be licensed from the publisher: Drama Source, 1588 E. 361 N., St. Anthony, Idaho 83445, tel.  (208) 624-4726; www.dramasource.com.

 For all rights other than those named above, please apply to the playwright’s representative, The  Fifi Oscard Agency (attention: Peter Sawyer), 110 W. 40th St., Suite #2100, NY, NY 10018, tel. (212) 764-1100. 

 For Casey and Janell...

Thank you for letting me be a part of your lives...

THE FAMLY THAT SINGS TOGETHER...

With songs from the era of Eddie Foy and family, plus an original by Chip Deffaa

MUSICAL NUMBERS...

ACT ONE.

#1. “I LOVE A PIANO” (words and music by Irving Berlin).

#2. “STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER” (words and music by John Philip Sousa).

#3.  “AND THEY SAY HE WENT TO COLLEGE” (words by E. P. Moran, music by Seymour Furth).

#4. “ALL ABOARD FOR BROADWAY” (words and music by George M. Cohan, with additional lyrics by Chip Deffaa).  

#5. “WILL YOU LOVE ME IN DECEMBER AS YOU DO IN MAY?” (words by James J. Walker, music by Ernest R. Ball).  

#6. “EVERY NIGHT I DREAM OF IRELAND” (words and music by George M. Cohan).

#7. “INTRODUCTORY MUSIC FOR THE BENEFIT-SHOW SCENE” (an instrumental  medley of “The Yankee Doodle Boy”/”Give My Regards to Broadway,” music by George M. Cohan).

IRISH-AMERICAN VAUDEVILLE MEDLEY:

      #8. “BEDELIA” (words by William Jerome, music by Jean Schwartz).

     #8a. “HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN KELLY?” (words and music by C. W. Murphy, Will Letters, and William J. McKenna).

     #8b. “NELLIE KELLY, I LOVE YOU” (words and music by George M. Cohan). 

     #8c. “THAT OLD IRISH MOTHER OF MINE” (words by William Jerome, music by Harry Von Tilzer).   

     #8 d. “IRELAND MUST BE HEAVEN BECAUSE MY MOTHER CAME FROM       THERE” (words by Joseph McCarthy and Howard Johnson, music by Fred Fisher).  

#9.  “MARY’S A GRAND OLD NAME” (Instrumental, arranged for soft-shoe dance, music by George M. Cohan).

#10.  “NOTHING NEW BENEATH THE SUN” (words and music by George M. Cohan).

#11. “EVERY NIGHT I DREAM OF IRELAND”--Reprise (words and music by George M. Cohan).

#12.  “FAITH!” (words and music by Chip Deffaa).

* * * 

ACT TWO.

 #13.  “I’M GOING BACK TO DIXIE” (words and music by Irving Berlin).

#14..  “I WANT TO GO BACK TO MICHIGAN (DOWN ON THE FARM)” (words and music by Irving Berlin).

#15.  “HOME AGAIN BLUES” (words and music by Irving Berlin).

#16.  “HARRIGAN” (words and music by George M. Cohan).

#16a. Sequence-closer 

#17. “MARY’S A GRAND OLD NAME” (words and music by George M. Cohan).

 #18. “MR. GALLAGHER AND MR. SHEAN”  (words and music by Bryan Foy, Ed Gallagher and Al Shean)

#19.  “IF WASHINGTON SHOULD COME TO LIFE TODAY” (words and music by George M. Cohan).

#20. “MR. GALLAGHER AND MR. SHEAN”-Reprise  (words and music by Bryan Foy, Ed Gallagher and Al Shean)

#21. “WHO WILL BE WITH YOU WHEN I’M FAR AWAY?” (words and music by William H. Farrell, with revisions by Chip Deffaa)

#22. “DADDY, YOU’VE BEEN A MOTHER TO ME”  (words and music by Fred Fisher, with revisions by Chip Deffaa)

PATRIOTIC FINALE MEDLEY:

#23. “I WANT TO HEAR A YANKEE DOODLE TUNE” (words and music by George M. Cohan).

#24. “COLUMBIA THE GEM OF THE OCEAN” (words and music by David T. Shaw)

#25.  “I WANT TO HEAR A YANKEE DOODLE TUNE”-Reprise (words and music by George M. Cohan).

#26. “WHEN JOHNNY COMES MARCHING HOME” (words and music by Louis Lambert)

#27.  “WE’RE ON OUR WAY TO FRANCE” (words and music by Irving Berlin)

#28.  "I LOVE A PIANO”–Finale reprise, and Bows  (words and music by Irving Berlin).

#29. EXIT MUSIC–“HOME AGAIN BLUES.” (music by Irving  Berlin).

A NOTE ON THE CAST MEMBERS AND SETTINGS...

The Family That Sings Together... is inspired by actual events.  This  musical play tells how entertainer Eddie Foy, after the passing of his wife,  took his seven children into vaudeville with him.  It was the only way he could think of to keep his family together.  And, against all odds,  “Eddie Foy and the Seven Little Foys” became the best-known, most popular  family act of their era–a national institution

This play spans the years 1912-1918.  Scenes take place in the Foy family home in New Rochelle, New York; in various  theaters across the U.S.; in a hotel room, on the road; and in a courtroom.

There are 22 characters in this play, 10 of whom are male and 12 of whom are female.    The play can be performed by as many as 22 singing actors (and you may even  add some additional ensemble members for the finale, if you wish).  However, the play  can also be performed by as few as 16  actors, with some actors “doubling”--that is, playing more than one role. 

Here are the characters of the play: Eddie Foy is an endearing  song-and-dance comedian who for years has headlined musical comedies, revues, and vaudeville bills. To the public, he is simply a beloved, long-established  star.  Offstage, he often seems to be  running late, isn’t always reliable, and has a bit of the blarney in him.  His loyal and loving wife,  Mrs. Foy, gave up her career as a performer to devote herself to raising their  family; nothing is more important to her than family.  She is now in declining health; but she has done a good job of masking just how seriously  ill she is, so as not to worry the children. At the start of the play, in July of 1912, Eddie Foy is 56;  Mrs. Foy,  44.

The Foys have seven children.   At the start of the play,  Bryan is supposed to be about 15; Charlie, 13; Richard, 12; Mary,  11; Madeline, eight, Eddie Jr., seven; and Irving, five. It is perfectly fine, however,  to cast actors who might actually be a bit older or younger  to portray the various Foy children, so long as they suggest a family with lively kids of assorted ages, heights, and personalities. The script states that all of the Foy children, at the start of the play, are under 16 years of age, but does not specify the exact age of every child in the family.  The actors playing the Foy children should be able to sing and move well; at least a couple of them--ideally, all of them--should be able to tap dance. If your actors cannot tap dance, the play can still work just fine, with some simple group choreography in key musical numbers.  Marching, strutting, high-stepping–these sorts of simple steps can go far. 

Likeable, lanky Bryan,  the oldest and tallest of the Foy kids,  can be a pretty good big brother to the brood, when needed; he’s more mature than the other boys.  Charlie is an extroverted adolescent with a good bit of mischief in him. From time to time in this play, Charlie steps forward to speak directly to the audience, while everyone else on stage freezes; Charlie is serving as our narrator; the events we are seeing on stage are his recollections of his childhood.

Richard, who is close to Charlie in age, makes a good younger side-kick to Charlie; Richard also happens to be the quietest of the Foy kids, more of an amiable follower than a leader.  The two Foy sisters, Mary and Madeline, are  closer to each other than to the boys.  Madeline, the younger of the two sisters, is feistier than Mary (who is more reserved), and she has a decided  flair for the dramatic. The two youngest Foy kids, Eddie Jr. and Irving, are also close to each other.  Irving is precocious, and has lots of personality.   In dance routines, Irving–the littlest of the Foy children--is also  the child most likely to be out of step.

In family groupings, Charlie and Richard would often be sitting or standing next to one another; Mary and Madeline would often be sitting or standing next to one another; and Eddie Jr. and Irving would often be sitting or standing next to one another.  If the family is supposed to be singing around the piano in the parlor at home, Bryan would be the family member who is supposedly playing the piano for everyone  (although the actual music that the audience hears would be provided by the music director/pianist for your production).  

The Foys have various friends from the world of entertainment.  In the play, we get to meet the dapper, dashing entertainer George M. Cohan and his wife, Mrs. Cohan, longtime friends of the Foys.   The cast of characters also includes (in briefer appearances):    Nurse Moore; Doctor O’Reilly; newspaper writer Lynda Barry; a young performer named Ginger; a policeman (or two policemen, if the director prefers); a judge;   three women from the Society to Prevent Cruelty to Children (Miss Elvera, Miss Wendy, Miss Julia); Miss McNibby (the Foy children’s governess) and Miss Hoffman (the Foy children’s tutor).

Smaller roles can, if desired,  be “doubled”–that is, played by actors who are also playing other small roles in the production.   For example, the roles of Mrs. Cohan, Nurse Moore and Lynda Barry can, if desired, be played by the same actresses (donning different dresses, wigs, and perhaps eyeglasses) who play the three Women from the Society to Prevent Cruelty to Children.  The same actor playing Doctor O’Reilly, for example, could also “double” if desired, as the policeman or the judge.  

The script indicates that the newspaper writer and the three members of the Society to Prevent Cruelty to Children are female characters.  However, if you want to make one or more of these characters male (rather than female), you may do so.  If you change a supporting character from female to male (or vice versa), you may modify the character’s name, if desired.  In the courtroom  scene, Eddie Foy comes before a  judge.  You can have an actor, on stage, playing the judge.  Or, if you prefer,   the voice of the judge can simply be heard (with an actor offstage speaking the judge’s lines into a mike), without the judge actually ever being seen on stage; if you choose that approach, Eddie Foy would simply speak his lines directly out to the audience, as if he is facing a judge we never actually see.

At various times in the show, we hear the voice of an unseen  theater announcer; introducing an act; these announcements could be  performed “live” (perhaps by your music director/pianist, or by any actor or actors of your choice)  or these lines could be pre-recorded, if you prefer.  In workshopping this project, we found it convenient to have the music/director pianist provide the voice of the theater announcer; but you may do it any way you like. If you have a limited supply of actors, some of the very small roles can be merged or eliminated (although the show works best if performed as written).   If you need to perform the show with the smallest possible cast, for example,  the lines spoken by the three different women from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (Miss Elvera, Miss Wendy, and Miss Julia)  can be spoken instead by just two women (or even by just one woman) from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children.  And the lines spoken by Miss McNibby (the governess) and Miss Hoffman (the tutor) can all be assigned instead to just one of the two characters.  

The Foy children  also make reference in the show to having pet dogs and cats--and even a pet mouse. You have the option of using some actual animals  in your  production, if you wish.  There is no need, of course, to use any actual animals; but using some real animals is an option, if you so desire. It is left to the discretion of the director as how any animal or animals may be integrated into a production.  A child might hold a pet in his or her arms during a scene at home or in court, or possibly even have  a pet with him or her during a vaudeville-theater musical number.  Audiences enjoy seeing actual animals.  If a child on stage is seen holding  an actual pet mouse or an actual pet puppy, for example, rather than simply speaking of having such pets, the audience will  respond positively; pets are cute.

* * *   The Family That Sings Together... is a full-length, two-act musical play.  The opening scene which takes place on July fourth, 1912, is set  in the parlor of the Foys’ big old home in New Rochelle.  The scenes that follow, which span the years 1912-1918, are set  in various theaters, a hotel room, and a courtroom.  

Sets can be as minimalistic or as realistic as you prefer. The show will work  fine even if you use  just  a few set pieces on a bare stage  to suggest a scene. A sofa, some chairs, a table, and an upright piano can suggest the parlor of the Foy home; some simple benches can suggest a courtroom; a few trunks and suitcases can suggest a hotel room.  The show is written so that it can be performed very simply, with scenes at home, in the hotel room, and the court room taking place on the full stage (with the curtain open); scenes set in vaudeville theaters can be played in front of the curtain (with an optional vaudeville-style placard on an easel, off to one side, if desired). 

If you wish to make trims or edits to shorten the running time of your production, you may do so. (Certain numbers can easily  be dropped or shortened, if desired,  without affecting the basic storyline.)   If you wish to extend some musical numbers, adding extra choruses or dance breaks to provide greater opportunities for singing or dancing, you may do so.  If you wish to transpose songs into different keys for the convenience of actors in your production, you may do so. (The score is written with the assumption that the two youngest Foy boys, Irving and Eddie Jr., will be played by boys with unchanged voices, while the older adolescent boys will  have changed voices.)  If you wish to add a few  extra ensemble members to the finale, you may do so.   You may not, however, add new lines or songs to the show.

This is a copyrighted work.   If you are contemplating possible modifications  and are unsure if they would be permissible, please write to the publishers of this play for guidance.  

* * * 

This musical comedy The Family That Sings Together...  is inspired by the story of entertainer Eddie Foy (1856-1928) and his family. (As with most biographical shows,  some artistic liberties have been taken.)  For more information on Eddie Foy and his family, you might enjoy reading Foy’s autobiography, Clowning Through Life (by Eddie Foy and Alvin F. Harlow; New York: E. P. Dutton & Co., 1928), and Eddie Foy: A Biography of the Early Popular Stage Comedian (by Armond Fields; Jefferson, North Carolina: McFarland & Company, Inc., 1999).   

For additional information on Foy and his era, you might also want to check out The Vaudevillians (by Anthony Slide; Westport, Connecticut: Arlington House, 1981); Show Biz: From Vaude to Video (by Abel Green and Joe Laurie, Jr.; New York:  Henry Holt & Co., 1951); The Laugh Makers (by William Cahn; New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 1957);  and  American Vaudeville: Its Life and Times (by Douglas Gilbert;  New York:  Dover Publications Inc., 1963). 

Eddie Foy’s career spanned six decades.  What did the theater mean to him?  He once responded: “You have to want to entertain people.  It is hard work.... Please the audience.  Make people laugh.  Make sure no one gets hurt in the process.  Give 200 per cent to your acting.  Always leave your audience wanting you again.  Respect the theater.”   He told a reporter: “If I had all the money I’ve spent making my children happy, I’d be a millionaire today.  But I wouldn’t want a dollar of I back.  Not a dime.  Not a cent... Every one of them [his children] is wonderful.”

As for my own interest in the Foys... I was born in New Rochelle, New York, and lived there as a young boy–not far from where the Foys used to live.  I saw the statue of Eddie Foy, in the New Rochelle park  that bears his name.   In my youth I was befriended by a former vaudevillian, Todd Fisher, who in his younger days had worked on bills with the Foys; his stories from those bygone days fascinated me. And he passed down to me old time song-and-dance routines that enriched my life.  Fisher helped give me a strong sense of connection to the vaudeville era.   In time I saw the film The Seven Little Foys (in which Bob Hope portrayed Eddie Foy), as well as the later TV special (in which Eddie Foy Jr.–a performer I always greatly appreciated--portrayed his father). I also enjoyed Eddie Foy Jr.’s portrayal of his father in such films as Yankee Doodle Dandy and Wilson.   It was only natural for me  to eventually seek out Eddie Foy sheet music, and the like.  My desire to deal, as a playwright, to deal with the story of the Foys, grew naturally.  And in time–for me, the icing on the cake--I became friends with actor Ryan Foy, a grandson of Irving Foy.  I feel immensely grateful that he’s been involved in my ongoing Foys project.

* * * 

I’ve enjoyed selecting and arranging the songs for this show, most of which come from the vaudeville era, which I happen to love very much.  (I wrote one new original song, “Faith,” for this show.) The music for The Family That Sings Together...  has been  prepared and edited primarily  by Donald Brown and Richard Danley; they’re terrific musicians and I’m grateful for their help. Additional music copywork was done by  Chase Baird,  Evan Barker, Peter Ecklund, Shawn Stanley, Brett Kristofferson, Ron Drotos,  and D. Jay Bradley. All music preparation, arranging and editing on this project has been done as work-for-hire for Chip Deffaa Productions LLC.

* * * 

The Family That Sings Together...  had its first reading on April 11, 2009 at Roy Arias Studios, 300 West  43rd Street, New York City, with the following  personnel: Michael Townsend Wright, Jack Saleeby, Dea Julien, Peter Charney, Seth Sikes, Alex Craven, Rayna Hirt, Tyler DuBoys,  Eric Johnson,  Lisa Lambert, Melodie Wolford,  Lisa Carroll, Chip Deffaa.  This musical play has been developed by Chip Deffaa Productions LLC (Chip and Deb Deffaa, principals). 

* * * 

MANY THANKS...

Special thanks to the one and only Carol Channing, the wisest woman in show business, for her insights, kindnesses, and buoyant spirit; the multi-talented performer/director/choreographer Tommy Tune, for sharing some of his ever-appreciated stardust; the late Todd Fisher, a contemporary of the Foys, whose stories, songs, and dances from the vaudeville era meant so much to me;  the spirited, ever-helpful singer/songwriter J. A. Loglisci; Keith Anderson of Univision, for many kindnesses;  the late George Burns, for the delightful tales of vaudeville he shared so generously with me at his Hollywood office;  Eric Anthony Stevens, a first-rate talent, for his terrific energy;  the always magical Victoria  Leacock Hoffman for being who she is; the ever-inspiring Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Toby Parker, whose belief in my work has  meant a lot.  A special “heads up” to my friend, actor Ryan Foy (a great-grandson of Eddie Foy) and the Foy family.

Producer Richard-Jay Alexander has  helped me more than he realizes.   Thanks, too, to Marty Jacobs, who curates the Museum of the City of New York’s  Theater Archives (a great research resource); the good folks at CrackingInc   (C. A. McCarroll and J. M. McCarroll,  principals); Sam MacKinnon / Bighead Productions;  Hansaem Song / Showfac Inc;  the masterly Joel Grey, who knows how deep a place this work comes from; the prolific and unstoppable Sean Conner McCune; Kurt Deutsch and  Noah Cornman  of Sh-K-Boom Records; the ever-musical (and knowledgeable) Dan Levinson;  Paul  Bartz and  Beau Bisson / Windwood  Theatricals; ASCAP’s theater expert, Michael Kerker, who always has time to answer our endless questions; the late James Cagney (whose autograph to “Tip” Deffaa sits on desk as a touchstone); my valued friends at the Irish Repertory Theatre and at the York Theatre; C. M. Smathers, whose words buoy my sprit; the esteemed Chase Brock,  Justin R. M. Eisbrenner (such a good writer), Clark Kinkade; and Jennie Cohan Ross (great-granddaughter of George M.) and the rest of the Cohan family. Thanks, Max and Julia Deffaa for your audience-research assistance.   

An appreciative salute, too,  to Ambassador Alexander Vershbow, Jean Vander Woude and her colleagues at the U.S. State Department. I value, too, the input, insights, and help in various ways provided by  my favorite director, Okey Chenoweth; my favorite graphic novelist, Howard Cruse, and a few of my favorite actors, John Lloyd Young, Santino Fontana, John Tartaglia and Jack Keating. I’d like to acknowledge my indefatigable research assistant A. R. Biggs.  I appreciate, too, the various kindnesses of the talented Tyler Lively, David Eckstein, Braden Lee Bacon,  David Cronin, Jackson Blake Connolly, Tyler Patterson, David J. Smith, Chase Baird, Jim Morgan, Brian Blythe, Mike Ficcocelli, Dea Julien, and Derek Osman.  A special thank-you to my original “Seven Little Foys” cast-members--the generous and gifted actors from New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Florida, and Massachusetts who’ve helped in workshopping/developing  this Foys project--and the memorable performers I’ve enjoyed at the Thomaston Opera House (under the direction of Rick Doyle), for the inspiration they’ve  helped add.   Thanks, too, to Daris Howard of Drama Source for his ongoing interest in my work.

And--as always-- I’m most grateful to my wonderful, and quite spirit-filled  family, who made me so eager to write a play about the importance of family in the first place.

THE FAMILY THAT SINGS TOGETHER...

ACT ONE.

(As the scene opens, we see Mrs. Foy, in the parlor of the family’s big old home in New Rochelle, New York,  singing around the piano with  her seven children: Bryan, Charlie, Mary, Richard, Madeline, Eddie Jr., and Irving–the whole family except for her husband, Eddie Foy. The date is July 4th, 1912. The children–except for Madeline who is wearing a black dress--are wearing lively,  colorful, hand-me-down-type clothes.  The house has Victorian furniture: a couch, a few chairs and a table or two.  Scattered about on the tabletop, the couch, and on the floor are  vintage children’s toys–perhaps a well-worn Teddy Bear, toy horses, tin soldiers, a top, a yo-yo; that sort of thing.  The room could also contain some larger items, such as, say,  a rocking-horse or a sled.  The room should have a comfortable, if slightly cluttered, messy kind of feel.  This is clearly a home in which lots of children live, and whose parents are more interested in their children’s happiness than in maintaining appearances.)  

(SONG #1. “I LOVE A PIANO.”)

MRS. FOY. (Sings:)

I LOVE A PIANO,

I LOVE A PIANO;

I LOVE TO HEAR SOMEBODY PLAY

CHARLIE. (Sings:)

UPON A PIANO,

A GRAND PIANO–

IT SIMPLY CARRIES ME AWAY.

MARY. (Sings:)

I KNOW A FINE WAY

TO TREAT A STEINWAY;

BRYAN. (Sings:)

I LOVE TO RUN MY FINGERS

O’ER THE KEYS,

THE IVORIES.

MADELINE. (Sings:)

AND WITH THE PEDAL

I LOVE TO MEDDLE.

IRVING. (Sings:)

WHEN PADEREWSKI COMES THIS WAY,

I’M SO DELIGHTED,

IF I’M INVITED

TO HEAR THAT LONGHAIRED GENIUS PLAY.

EDDIE JR. (Sings:)

SO YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FIDDLE AND YOUR BOW,

GIVE ME A P-I-A-N-O, OH, OH–

RICHARD. (Sings:)

I LOVE TO STOP RIGHT

BESIDE AN UPRIGHT

OR A HIGH-TONED BABY GRAND.

MRS. FOY.  Everyone!

MRS. FOY and THE FOY CHILDREN. (Sing:)

I LOVE A PIANO,

I LOVE A PIANO;

I LOVE TO HEAR SOMEBODY PLAY

UPON A PIANO,

A GRAND PIANO–

IT SIMPLY CARRIES ME AWAY.

I KNOW A FINE WAY

TO TREAT A STEINWAY;

I LOVE TO RUN MY FINGERS

O’ER THE KEYS,

THE IVORIES.

 (The music of this chorus keeps playing,  softly and just a bit slower–now serving as underscoring–while Charlie steps forward and speaks to the audience; while Charlie speaks, everyone behind him freezes in place; by the time Charlie finishes speaking, the music of that chorus should be finishing up, and then everyone can begin singing another chorus.)

CHARLIE.  If you asked me what my best memories from childhood were, I’d say they were memories of what we called, in our home, “Family Night.”  Our mother believed nothing was more important than those nights, once a week, when the whole family would be  together.  Mama liked to lead us in songs, around the piano in the parlor of our big old home in New Rochelle,  New York.  Well, this particular Family Night happened to fall on July fourth, 1912.  We were all together.  Except for Papa, who’d gone out early in the day for an errand he said would take just a few minutes, and still hadn’t returned.  

(Charlie steps back.  Everyone unfreezes, and starts singing another chorus of the song.)

MRS. FOY and THE FOY CHILDREN. (Sing:)

I LOVE A PIANO,

I LOVE A PIANO;

I LOVE TO HEAR SOMEBODY PLAY

UPON A PIANO,

A GRAND PIANO–

IT SIMPLY CARRIES ME AWAY.

(At this point, Eddie Foy enters.   And with flair–he is a born showman–he begins singing the song by himself, while his wife and children watch him, appreciatively.)  

EDDIE.  (Sings:)

I KNOW A FINE WAY

TO TREAT A STEINWAY;

I LOVE TO RUN MY FINGERS

O’ER THE KEYS,

THE IVORIES--

(He stops singing, smiles warmly at his family.  The children rush their father.)  

ASSORTED FOY CHILDREN.  Papa!  Daddy!  You’re finally home!

MADELINE.  You came this close to missing Family Night altogether.  

EDDIE.  Never, my dear Madeline!  It’s my favorite night of the week.  

MRS. FOY.  Edwin, the whole point of having Family Night is having the whole family all together.

EDDIE JR. It’s the only night you can be at home with us.  Every other night of the week  you’re performing on Broadway.  So you’ve just GOT to be here at home for Family Night.  

EDDIE.  But Eddie Jr., I’m here now, aren’t I?  Why don’t we move into the dining room.  We’ll say grace–I always say, “The family that prays together, stays together”–and then we’ll have dinner and then--

EDDIE JR.  Pop, we said grace and had dinner three  hours ago.  

EDDIE.  Son, I must have lost track of the  time.  Believe it or not, even your own absolutely wonderful  father is not quite perfect.  Well, we can still sing, can’t we? As I’ve always said, “The family that sings together stays together.”  

MRS.  FOY.  Well, I’m all for families staying together.  But where were you all this time, Eddie? 

EDDIE.  Oh,   I had a very  important mission.  Very.

MRS.  FOY. And what could be more important than being with our family, Eddie?  

MARY.  We missed you, Papa.

EDDIE JR.  We don’t see nearly enough of you.

MADELINE. (Dramatically.)   Personally,  I felt abandoned.  Yes, abandoned by my own dear  father in my time of deepest need....  I’m still extremely deep  in mourning, you know.

 EDDIE.  Yes, I can see that, Madeline.  You’re still wearing the very same black dress you’ve worn every day for two weeks.  

MADELINE.   Which I bought out of my own savings.... It’s been two weeks to the day, now, since Jack left us.

 EDDIE.  I know it.

MADELINE.  Jack was so very, very  cute.

 EDDIE.  Yes, everyone said that  Jack was cute.

MADELINE.   Jack was so very, very  smart.

RICHARD.  Many a time I thought, “That Jack sure  is smarter than my sister, Madeline.”  

MRS.  FOY.  Oh, hush now, Richard!  (She coughs a bit.)

MADELINE.  Jack was so very, very  talented.

IRVING.  Many a time I thought, “That Jack is smarter and more talented than BOTH of my sisters,  Madeline and Mary, put together.”

EDDIE.  Let your sister  speak now, Irving, without commentary.  

 MADELINE.   There will never, ever  be another Jack.  

MRS.  FOY.  We all know how you miss Jack, Madeline.  

EDDIE.  We do feel your pain.  

MADELINE.  Jack was without a doubt  the brightest, the kindest, the best-looking, and the  most loving, sweet and gentle   little pet mouse that any child could ever hope to have.  

EDDIE.  I  thought Jack set a fine example for pet mice everywhere.  

IRVING.  And he hardly ever bit anybody too badly.  Unless you put your hand near him.  

MADELINE.  Why in the world did he run away?

BRYAN.  Don’t take it personal, Madeline.  Maybe he was just  searching for a home with better cheese.

CHARLIE.   And  fewer pet cats and dogs to compete with for attention. 

EDDIE.   No family has more pets than the Foys!  I mean, children, between  your cats and your dogs....

BRYAN.  And our pet raccoon, Corey...

EDDIE JR.  And our pet goat, Sethy....

MADELINE.  And my pet mouse, Jack.... 

IRVING.  Seven pets! We’re pretty lucky kids; yep, yep.  Everyone knows that.  

MADELINE.    When Jack ran away, I knew my life was over. I don’t think I could ever feel worse.

EDDIE.  I said to myself,  “I’ve got to do something to help Madeline get over her sorrow.” 

MADELINE. Thank you, Papa.  But nothing you could say now could  possibly  help.  

 EDDIE.  So I asked all of our friends to keep an eye out, and if any of them happened to find a  nice mouse, to please give it to me, for my  daughter Madeline. 

MADELINE.  And did one of them find a nice mouse?

EDDIE.  Earlier today  I got a telephone call from one of my  best friends in the business, saying he’d found a perfectly splendid mouse in the dressing room at his theater, right on Broadway.  

MADELINE.  A theatrical mouse!  Why, growing up in the theater, I bet he’ll really appreciate the way we  sing on Foy Family Nights.  

 EDDIE.  It’s entirely possible.  Well,  I drove into New York City to pick up my friend and his wife, and this splendid mouse for Madeline.  And, guess what?  They’re all out in the front hallway right now.  I told ‘em to wait there until I could provide a proper introduction.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present America’s  greatest living song-and-dance man--with the possible exception, of course,  of yours truly, Eddie Foy....

MADELINE.  Oh, Papa.... you’re not all that great of a dancer.

EDDIE.  Yeah, but on the other hand... I can’t really sing, either; I mostly talk my songs.

IRVING.  Lucky for you that your fans haven’t caught on yet.

EDDIE.  Ladies and gentlemen, without any further interruptions from my children.... presenting my favorite actor, singer, and songwriter;  they call him the “Man Who Owns Broadway,” they call him the “Prince of the American Stage,”  they call him the   “Yankee Doodle Boy”--

THE FOY CHILDREN. (Excitedly.)  --Mr. George M. Cohan! 

(George M. Cohan, carrying a small American flag,  steps jauntily into the room, accompanied by his wife, who is carrying a small box, presumably containing a mouse.)  

GEORGE M. COHAN.  Accept no substitutes!  

EDDIE. (Making introductions all around.)  Children, you know Mr. and Mrs, Cohan. (George M. Cohan smiles, nods, acknowledges Eddie and the family members,  perhaps gives Mrs. Foy a kiss on the hand.; Mrs. Cohan is gracious, but much less extroverted and energetic in style than her husband.)   And George, in case you’ve forgotten who’s who in my family--this is Irving, our littlest, and Eddie Jr., and Richard, and Mary and Madeline.  And Charlie and Bryan.  I’d introduce you to their assorted pets, too, but then we’d be here all night.  

MRS. COHAN.  (Handing over to Madeline  the small box she’s been carrying.)  And now, Madeline,   you have one more pet.  (Note: If you choose to use an actual mouse in your production, Mrs. Foy can pick up the  mouse to show Madeline.  If you do not choose to use an actual mouse, Mrs. Foy can simply hand over the box; Madeline can open it, and peer inside.)

GEORGE M. COHAN.  Say, isn’t that a noble-looking mouse?  That mouse has real character.  Look at that classic profile, that fine Roman nose.

MADELINE.  I shall name him “Marius.”  

EDDIE.  She’s been reading “Les Miserables”–that novel by Victor Hugo.  Madeline’s really  the reader in this family.  

IRVING. (To George M. Cohan, tugging at his sleeve.)   You brought Madeline a nice mouse.  Didn’t you bring any present for me, Mr. Cohan?  

GEORGE M. COHAN.  Why, Irving, my boy, I’ve got a first-rate present for you.  An American flag–the first of the brand new ones. (He hands Irving the flag he’s been holding.)

IRVING. What do you mean, “the brand new ones”? 

GEORGE M. COHAN.  Every time they add a new state to the union, they add a new star to the flag.  Arizona and New Mexico have just become states, and they’ve just started making new flags–with 48 stars on them.  

IRVING.  Wow!  I’ve never seen a flag with 48 stars before.

GEORGE M. COHAN. No one has!  When I was a boy, there were only 38 stars on the flag.  When America gained new states, they’d add new stars.  I saved every new flag, as they came along; I think they brought me good luck.

IRVING.  Well,  I think this flag will bring me good luck. I’m never going to give it away.

GEORGE M. COHAN.  Unless you meet someone, Irving,  who might need a bit of good luck even more than you do.  

(SONG #2.  “THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER.”)

IRVING.  (Sings, as he marches about, proudly, with his flag:)

HURRAH FOR THE FLAG OF THE FREE,

MAY IT WAVE AS OUR STANDARD FOREVER,

THE GEM OF THE LAND AND THE SEA,

THE BANNER OF THE RIGHT.

MADELINE.  (Sings:)

LET DESPOTS REMEMBER THE DAY

BRYAN.  (Sings:)

WHEN OUR FATHERS WITH MIGHTY ENDEAVOR,

IRVING.  (Sings:)

PROCLAIM’D AS THEY MARCH’D TO THE FRAY,

ALL FOY CHILDREN.  (Sing:)

THAT BY THEIR MIGHT, AND BY THEIR RIGHT, 

IT WAVES FOREVER.  

GEORGE M. COHAN.   Hah-hah! You kids can sing!  How’d you like to join your Dad and me in a show someday?  A real show, in a real theater.

RICHARD.  No way!

BRYAN.  Never!

MADELINE.  We’re much too shy!

IRVING.  Maybe.

EDDIE.  George, you could never get my kids to perform on a real stage, in front of a real  audience.

IRVING. We enjoy singing at home on Family Night.

EDDIE.  But they’ve never sung outside of the house.

MARY.  And we never will!

GEORGE M. COHAN.   Well, if they’re not the sort of kids who’d enjoy having people clap for them–

CHARLIE.  We’re not!

MARY.  No, no, no.

EDDIE JR.  Never in a million years!

IRVING.  I might be.

EDDIE.  You don’t understand, George.  My kids aren’t like you and me.  We’ve been lifelong troupers.  Maybe my kids enjoy singing a bit at home  with the family.  But that’s as far as their interest goes....  Kids, why don’t you show Mr. and Mrs, Cohan the sort of singing we do on Foy Family Nights.

IRVING.  Well, sometimes we sing songs that Papa has taught us.

MARY.  Or that Mama has taught us.  We know all their old songs. From all of their shows.

GEORGE M. COHAN.  That’s quite a few!

IRVING.  Mr. Cohan, did you know that our Mama used to be in the show business, too, along with Papa?  And then after she got married, she retired from the show business  to raise a great big  family–us!

GEORGE M.   COHAN.  Of course, Irving.  I’ve known your parents for many, many years. Your mother, Madeline Mary Morando Foy, used to light up the stage. 

MRS. FOY.  Thank you, George. That was many years ago.

MADELINE.  Besides the songs that our parents teach us, our parents have another rule for us.

MARY.  Every week, us Foy kids also have to find or create songs that suit us, that express who we really are.

EDDIE.  We want this to be a learning experience for the kids–sorta educational, not just entertaining. 

MRS. COHAN.  That’s very progressive.

EDDIE.   And it’s good to express your feelings, isn’t it?  Well kids, show us something you’ve come up with this week.

IRVING.  All right.  Here is a brand new song that we call, “An Ode to Education.”   

EDDIE.  I like it already.  Sounds positively inspirational. Yes.

(SONG #3.  “AND THEY SAY HE WENT TO COLLEGE: An Ode to Education.”)

IRVING.   (Sings:) 

IN A RESTAURANT THE OTHER NIGHT, THE BEST ONE IN NEW YORK, 

EDDIE JR.   (Sings:) 

I SAW A MAN WHO VAINLY TRIED TO EAT SOUP WITH A FORK.

RICHARD.   (Sings:) 

MY HEART WENT OUT IN PITY, EV'RY TIME HIS FORK WOULD PLUNGE.

CHARLIE.   (Sings:) 

HE DIDN'T KNOW THE RIGHT WAY TO EAT SOUP IS WITH A SPONGE.  

IRVING.     (Sings:) 

AND THEY SAY HE WENT TO COLLEGE,

BRYAN.   (Sings:) 

WHERE HE GAINED A LOT OF KNOWLEDGE.

IRVING.     (Sings:) 

HE ACTED LIKE A LOBSTER WITH AN AMPUTATED CLAW.

MARY.     (Sings:) 

WHEN A BOWL NEAR HIM THE WAITER LAID, 

MADELINE.      (Sings:) 

WHY HE WASHED HIS HANDS IN LEMONADE,

IRVING.     (Sings:) 

AND THEY SAY HE WENT TO COLLEGE,

THE FOY CHILDREN.  (Sing:) 

RAH! RAH! RAH!

GEORGE M.   COHAN.    I love it.  I just love it!  

IRVING.  Thank you.  But if you’re our guest at Foy Family night, Mr. Cohan, you can’t just watch; you have to do a song, too.  

GEORGE M.   COHAN.    Well, if Mrs. Cohan would care to join me....

MRS. COHAN.  With pleasure.

GEORGE M.   COHAN. We’ll do a number  we introduced in a show of mine, a few years back, “All Aboard for Broadway.” I hope you’ll remember it...

(SONG #4.  “ALL ABOARD FOR BROADWAY.”)

GEORGE M. COHAN. (Sings:)  

GOOD-BYE, MY LADY LOVE,

SO LONG MY TURTLE DOVE,

FAREWELL MY HONEYSUCKLE I’VE GOT TO GO.

WHILE I AM ON MY WAY, I’LL PHONE YOU EV’RY DAY,

I’LL TELL YOU HOW I AM IF YOU WANT TO KNOW.

MRS. COHAN. (Sings:)  

I’LL HEAR IF YOU’RE ACTING GAILY.

GEORGE M. COHAN. (Sings:)  

DON’T BE LEARY.

MRS. COHAN. (Sings:)  

WILL I GET MY LETTER DAILY?

GEORGE M. COHAN. (Sings:)  

YES, MY DEARIE.

MRS. COHAN. (Sings:)  

HONEY, GOOD-BYE.  

GEORGE M. COHAN. (Sings:)  

DEARIE, DON’T CRY.

HONEY DEAR, YOU KNOW I’VE GOT TO GO.  

ALL ABOARD FOR BROADWAY,

THAT’S THE YANKEE LAND.

JUST GOT TIME TO SAY GOODBYE, THAT’S ALL.

SO LONG, CAN’T YOU HEAR THE TRAIN MAN CALLING,

“ALL ABOARD FOR BROADWAY.”

I’LL BE BACK AGAIN.

HURRY DEAR, NOW, JUST ONE KISS.

JUST THINK OF ALL THE FUN I’LL MISS  

IF I MISS THAT BROADWAY TRAIN.  

GEORGE M. COHAN.  Now this is where we’d dance a bit. 

MRS. COHAN.  I love dancing with my husband.  

(Dance break; Mr. And Mrs. Cohan dance. And then they go back to singing the song.)

GEORGE M. COHAN. (Sings:)  

GOODBYE, MY HONEY BABE,

I’LL SEND YOU MONEY, BABE.

YOU’LL GET YOUR WEEKLY CHECK WHILE I’M ON MY WAY;

I’LL WRITE YOU ALL THE CHAFF.

I’LL PHONE AND TELEGRAPH,

I’LL TELL YOU EV’RYTHING I DO ON BROADWAY.  

MRS. COHAN. (Sings:)  

DON’T YOU DINE TOO MUCH WITH SHERRY!

GEORGE M. COHAN. (Sings:)  

NO, MY DEARIE.

MRS. COHAN. (Sings:)  

I’LL HEAR IF YOU GET TOO MERRY.

GEORGE M. COHAN. (Sings:)  

DON’T BE LEARY.  

MRS. COHAN. (Sings:)  

CAN’T I GO LONG?

GEORGE M. COHAN. (Sings:)  

DEARIE, SO LONG.

YES, SOME OTHER TIME, BUT NOT TODAY.

ALL ABOARD FOR BROADWAY,

THE FOY KIDS.  (Sing:)

THAT'S THE PROMISED LAND!

GEORGE M. COHAN. (Sings:)  

I'M ALL PACKED, I'VE GOT MY DANCIN' SHOES.