Will You Marry Me?

A Comedy In one act

By 

Deborah A. Hodge

Will You Marry Me

 Copyright 2009

by Deborah A. Hodge

All Rights Reserved

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Characters

Alexandra Simpson is a young, attractive woman in her mid twenties, who works as a software designer for Compuware. She is devoted to her career. She is so devoted in fact that she has failed to pursue a personal life. After a disastrous engagement to Duncan McMasters, she dated no one until she briefly became involved with a co-worker named Ethan Harper, but that relationship ended when she caught him with J.J., her cousin.

Janis (“J.J.”) Jamison is a young, attractive professional in her mid-twenties, who works for Procter and Jones Advertizing Agency. However, unlike Alex, she has pursued a career and a personal life. She is a party girl, who has dated many men, but none whom she had considered seriously as a husband, until she began dating Ethan. When Ethan fell in love with Alex, J.J. purposefully wrecked their relationship.

Ethan Harper is a young professional in his late twenties and works with Alex. He is good looking, charming, and very much in love with Alex. He has been working hard to try to convince Alex that J.J. means nothing to him.  However, Alex refuses to believe him.

Lacy Stannic is a co-worker of Alex and Ethan and has been Alex’s best friend since second grade. She is in her mid-twenties and is very attractive.

Beth Collins is J.J.’s best friend and co-worker. She is in her mid twenties and is very attractive.

Emily Jackson is a beautiful young woman in her mid-twenties. She is Ethan Harper’s online dating match through eCouples.com. She is extremely jealous of Alex and Ethan.

Daniel Stanton is a co-worker of Alex, Lacy and Ethan’s. He is also Ethan’s good friend. He is in his late twenties. He is average looking and is attracted to Lacy, but Lacy is not attracted to him.

Duncan McMasters is Alex’s good looking, charming, “snake in the grass”, ex-fiancée. He becomes an employee at Procter and Jones, the company where J.J. works.

Trish is a young woman in her twenties who is Alex’s secretary/assistant and a friend and neighbor of Beth Collins.

Mr. (Ms.) Jones is an interchangeable part. Jones is J.J.’s boss and can be a man or a woman. Jones is probably a person in the late 40’s to early 50’s.

Drew (Dana) is an interchangeable part.  Drew (Dana) is Alex, Ethan, Lacy and Daniel’s boss and can be either a man or woman, who is probably in the later 40’s to early 50’s.

Ross is an executive in his mid thirties. He is a womanizer and Ethan is trying to win his account for CompuServe.

Tommy Turner is a good-looking jeweler in his thirties. He is one of J.J.’s generous suitors and a perspective husband.

Billy Bob Stewart is a not so good-looking, uneducated, “good old boy” farmer in his late twenties. He was a match for Alex on eCouples.com.

Clark Kent is a clean cut, good looking, “All American boy” in his late twenties. He is also a match for Alex on eCouples.com. He looks normal, but he is not. He thinks he is Superman.

Crawford Standish is between seventy-five and eight years old. He has placed his profile on eCouples.com and a  picture of himself when he was about forty. Although he has been married for sixty years, he decides to look for a younger woman. He becomes an eCouples.com match for Alex.

Margie Standish is Crawford’s wife of sixty years. She is the same age as he. She finds Alex’s profile picture, name and address, and she shows up at Alex’s office at the same time as her husband Crawford. She is looking for the home wrecker who is trying to steal her husband.

Mr. (Ms.) Greyton is an interchangable part and is a lawyer who represents Alex and J.J.’s Uncle Tony. Greyton is a “no nonsense” lawyer of about the mid to late forties.

Justin is J.J.’s coworker at the advertising agency and an admirer of J.J..

Katie (or Kurt) is J.J.'s secretary/assistant at the advertising agency.

Security Guards are needed for the scene involving Clark Kent. You may use two or three males or two males and one female. Their job will be to remove “Superman”.

Scene 1

Setting: Compuware: A Computer Software Company in any major city, USA. 

Alex’s office—

Alex’s office has a  table desk with the usual office accessories and a laptop. There is also a file cabinet, a bookshelf, with various books, personal pictures and other personal items of decoration. The office is decorated with pictures on the wall, a mirror and plants. There is also a chair located against the back wall, a chair by her desk and a small couch along the common wall with J.J.’s office.

-

As the scene begins, Alexandra enters with her friend Lacy.  Alex has a brief case, a purse, a newspaper, and a cup of coffee. Lacy follows her with a cup of coffee in her hand.

LACY: The lawyer told you what?

ALEX: He said that in order to inherit Uncle Tony’s money I had to be married within a month to a man my uncle approved of.

LACY: That’s so 19th century. How old is your Uncle Tony?

ALEX: I do not know. All I know is that I owe him a lot. He took care of me after my parents died.

LACY: Why in the world would he put such a weird stipulation on the inheritance?

ALEX: I guess because he loved being married and he wants that for me too. 

LACY: Well, requiring it in a will won’t make it so.

ALEX: I know, but I think Uncle Tony thinks so, and there is more. 

LACY: There’s more?

(A beautiful young woman enters the office without knocking or being announced. She interrupts Alex and Lacy. When the young woman enters the office, she stops and looks around as if she is seeking someone or something that is not there. This young woman is Emily, Ethan’s on-line girl friend. She is very jealous of Alex.  She has decided to meet her and confront Alex about Ethan’s interest in her. Alex is turned toward Lacy and does not see her enter. Lacy makes Alex aware of the young woman’s presence.)

ALEX: (to the young woman) Could I help you?

EMILY: (Very sweetly) I’m looking for Ethan Harper.

ALEX: He’s probably in his office.

EMILY: (pretends confusion) Oh, but I thought this was his office.

ALEX: No, it’s down the hall, second door on the right, past the elevator. 

EMILY: (pretends embarrassment) I see. I’m sorry for the mistake. I thought Ethan said turn left when I got off the elevator, but he must have said turn right.

ALEX:  (reassuringly) There’s no need to apologize. It’s very easy to get confused around here.

LACY: (Curious about who this woman is) I don’t mean to pry, but are you one of Ethan’s clients?

EMILY: (Very pointedly to both women, because she does not know for sure which one is Alex) No, I’m just a friend, (with emphasis) a very good friend. (Alex looks at Lacy and rolls her eyes.)

LACY: (Realizing who she probably is) I bet your name is Emily.

EMILY: (with surprise) That’s right. How did you know?

LACY: I’ve heard Ethan speak of you.

EMILY: (fishing for information) I hope it was something good.

LACY: Of course it was. 

EMILY: (relieved) Great. I’m glad I’ve made a good impression.

LACY: I’m sorry. I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Lacy Stannic.

EMILY: (Very pleasantly) Nice to meet you, Lacy.

(Lacy looks at Alex and waits for Alex to introduce herself. Alex is looking down at the file on her desk. When she doesn’t introduce herself, Lacy introduces her to Emily.)

LACY: And, this is Alex Simpson.

EMILY: (With a noticeable change in tone, Emily steps toward Alex in a confrontational manner and speaks with great irritation.) So, you’re Alex Simpson. I’ve wanted to meet you.

ALEX: (responds in kind) Have you?

EMILY: (with continued irritation and confrontation) I have.

ALEX: (responds in kind) And, why would that be?

EMILY: (jealously) Because Ethan speaks of you quite often.

ALEX:  (Realizing she is Ethan’s new girlfriend) And, how do you know Ethan?

EMILY: (Very strongly) We’re dating.

ALEX:  (Realizing Emily is jealous of her and trying not to sound jealous of Emily) How nice for you! (Alex turns away from Emily’s confrontation.)

EMILY: (Very irritated and jealous, Emily grabs Alex’s shoulder and turns her around so they will be face to face.) It would be, except he spends so much time talking about you.

ALEX (with thinly veiled jealousy and anger) I’m sorry, but I’ve never heard him speak of you at all.

EMILY: (Irritated at the way Alex answered) Is that so?

ALEX: (Triumphantly calm because she realizes she has struck a nerve with Emily) I’m afraid it is. (Alex sits down.)

LACY: (Afraid that the two women are about to come to blows, Lacy tries to defuse the situation by stepping between the two women and turns toward Emily.) Emily, would you like me to show you exactly where Ethan’s office is?

EMILY: (very irritated, but trying to sound very calm and matter of fact) No thank you. (with emphasis on Alex’s name) I’m sure with Alex’s excellent directions that I can find it myself.

LACY: (Still trying to bridge the gap) It was very nice to meet you Emily.

EMILY: (Very politely) You too Lacy. (She looks toward Alex and trying not to sound irritated, but does.) You too Alex.

ALEX: (sarcastically) Oh, you too Emily. (Emily turns and leaves. After she leaves, Lacy confronts Alex about what just happened.)

LACY: (Shocked by Alex’s lack of civility toward Emily) What is up with you?

ALEX: (Trying to cover up) What?

LACY: I’ve never seen you be so rude.

ALEX: I wasn’t being rude.

LACY: If that wasn’t being rude, what was it?

ALEX: (still trying to cover up her true feelings) I don’t know.  I guess, this thing with Uncle Tony has stressed me more than I realized.

LACY: So that’s all that was.

ALEX: Yeah, that’s all that was. (changing the subject)  I was about to tell you the rest of Uncle Tony’s stipulation.

LACY: Well, tell.

ALEX:  You know that J.J. and I have been so competitive all of our lives.

LACY: Yeah.

ALEX:  He made this a competition between cousin, J.J. and me.

LACY: A competition?  (Alex nods “yes”)--- between J.J. and you?

ALEX: Yeah. If Uncle Tony likes her husband better, she gets the money. If he likes mine, better I get the money.

LACY: That’s crazy.

ALEX: Yeah, but that’s the way it is. 

LACY: That’s a lot to ask just to inherit a little money.

ALEX: Yeah, it is. I’m not sure I want the $20 million that badly.

LACY: (in shock) $20 million! (Alex shakes her head affirmatively) So whom are you going to marry?

ALEX: I’m not so sure that I’m going to marry anyone.

LACY: Are you crazy? 

ALEX: I thought you thought the whole thing was so 19th century.

LACY: That was before I found out that there were twenty million reasons to do it. 

ALEX: (shocked by Lacy’s attitude toward marriage for money) Lacy! 

LACY: (in defense of her attitude) What? I’ve never had the opportunity to be the best friend of a generous multimillionaire.

ALEX: Get real Lacy; we are talking marriage. Besides, I want to get married for love not money.

LACY: Look, Alex, get married now for money, but you don’t have to stay married to the guy.

ALEX: (in disbelief) I cannot believe that you said that.

LACY: Why not? It’s the practical thing to do. Marry for money now. Marry for love later.

ALEX:  Lacy, get real, who do I know that would marry me….(Lacy cuts her off before she can finish.)

LACY: Good point!

ALEX:  Ha! Ha! You didn’t let me finish. Who do I know that would want to marry me in a month? I haven’t really dated anyone since Duncan.

LACY: That is a good point!

ALEX: I can’t see me finding Mr. Right in less than a month, and I sure can’t see myself getting down on one knee to pop the question to a man that I’ve known for less than a month.  

LACY: I’d pay to see that!

ALEX: Well, before you can see that, you have to help me find someone because I don’t have a clue how to find Mr. Right in that short a period.

LACY: Remember, Alex we don’t have to find Mr. Right. We just have to find Mr. Right now. (Alex shakes her head in disbelief and before she can say anything, Lacy continues.)  Keep saying to yourself, I don’t have to stay married to him. I just have to marry him to get the money.

ALEX: I don’t want to marry just anybody.

LACY: Good point!

ALEX:  So, what do we do?

LACY: (Perplexed) Yeah, so what do we do?  (Both try to think of a solution. Lacy comes up with the solution and excitedly shares it.)  I have it! (Alex looks at her with anticipation.) We work for a computer software company, right.

ALEX: Yeah…so

LACY: So, we use the computer to come up with a list of perspective husbands.

ALEX: (not too thrilled with Lacy’s solution) You mean use a computer dating service?

LACY: Yes, many people do it nowadays.

ALEX: (shaking her head in disbelief) I never thought I’d stoop to use a computer dating service.

LACY: Well, you have to get married in less than a month and I’m reasonably sure there’s no such thing as a computer marrying service.

ALEX: Okay….okay.  I get it.  Therefore, if I’m going to do this, I want a reliable, reputable one for serious minded people. 

LACY: We need one that has an excellent record of putting the right people together in a hurry.

ALEX: (skeptically) And, that one would be?

LACY: I don’t know. I need to do some research (pause) or I could just go ask Ethan.

ALEX: Ethan! 

LACY:  Yes, Ethan.

ALEX: Why Ethan?

LACY: Because he developed the software used by a number of the dating services, and he became his own guinea pig as he was developing it. 

ALEX: Huh?

LACY: He tried the software himself.(As she points to the door, reminding Alex of Emily’s visit)  That’s how he met Emily.

ALEX: (sarcastically)  Really!

LACY: Yeah.

ALEX: Lacy, I don’t want Ethan in on this. 

LACY: Why not? I’m sure that he would be a big help.

ALEX:  I don’t want him knowing my business.

LACY: Okay!  I’ll just ask him nonchalantly, sort of a harmless, desperate inquiry.

ALEX: I’m not sure that will work with Ethan. He’ll want to know why you’re asking, and He knows that you don’t need a dating service.

LACY: I’ll tell him that I’m asking for a friend.

ALEX: What if he thinks that friend is me?

LACY: Get real! He’d never think that you wanted a dating service. He knows that you are too career oriented. 

ALEX:  I just don’t want him to consider the possibility that you’re asking for me.

LACY: And, why not?

ALEX: (adamantly)   I told you. I don’t want him knowing my business.

LACY: (compliantly) Okay, okay. I’ll make up a lie that even Ethan will believe.

ALEX: It had better be believable.  I do not want him knowing my business. 

LACY: What’s up with you two?

ALEX: Nothing’s up with us.

LACY: I’m not so sure about that. He’s the only guy I know who seems to get to you.

ALEX: He doesn’t get to me. He just makes me mad with his “I’m God’s gift to women attitude.”

LACY:  You have to admit he is very cute.

ALEX: (With a frown) Just go do your research, but be very careful about what you say.

(As Lacy rises to go do her research and Alex rises to go to the file cabinet, Ethan enters the office. He has a file in his hand and is followed by Daniel, his best friend and an associate at the office. As if she is ignoring his entrance, Alex continues toward the filing cabinet, opens a drawer and looks for a file. Ethan responds by joining her at the filing cabinet.)

ETHAN: (with much exuberance) Hello, lovely ladies.

LACY: (With a genuine smile and enthusiasm, responds to Ethan’s greeting.) Hello, there.

DANIEL: (He likes Lacy, but the feeling is not reciprocated.) Hey Lacy.

LACY: (Barely responding, she grunts) Hey.

ETHAN: (pointedly to Alex, because she is ignoring him) Did Miss Alexandra Simpson get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?

ALEX: (with firmness) No, she did not.

ETHAN: (trying to get a rise out of her) So she is just naturally rude.

ALEX: (very firm and a little irritated) No, she is not. She’s just busy.

LACY: (interrupting) Before I start speaking of myself in the third person, I’ll go my office and get busy.

DANIEL: (with eagerness) I’ll walk you to your office.

LACY: (sarcastically) Oh no please. I’d hate to be an imposition.

DANIEL: (taking her by the arm and speaking with sincerity and affection) I can assure you that it’s no imposition. It would be my pleasure.

LACY: (to Daniel with sarcasm as they leave.) Oh, mine too. (energetically to Ethan) See you later handsome and please tell Alexandra Simpson that I’ll see her later.  (They both acknowledge her goodbye. Finally, Alex and Ethan are the only two left in the office.)

ALEX: (with much irritation) What do you want Ethan?

ETHAN: (flippantly) I want you sweetheart.

ALEX:  (with even more irritation) I’m not going to flirt or play games with you Ethan.  I’m serious. What do you want?

ETHAN:  (without flippancy) How do you know I’m not being serious?

ALEX: (with thinly veiled anger) I’m not at all amused. What do you want Ethan?

ETHAN:  I wanted to bring you the Ross file and catch you up on the details.

(Alex speaks throughout the rest of the scene with an irritated tone.)

ALEX: The Ross file? Why would I want the Ross file that’s your account?

ETHAN: Not any more. It’s now our account.  Drew assigned it to both of us this morning.

ALEX: Why to both of us? 

ETHAN:  Evidently, he thinks we are a good team.

ALEX: He thinks that because.

ETHAN: Because of the work that we did on the Edwards account and because I wasn’t making much progress with Ross by myself.

ALEX: And, why was that?

ETHAN: I’m not sure, but Drew thinks he might respond better to you.

ALEX: Why me?

ETHAN: Because you are, smart, very professional and very attractive.

ALEX:  (With irritation) So, Drew thinks Ross might respond better to a woman.

ETHAN: Well that’s part of it.

ALEX: (Very irritated) What part of it? A small part, a large part, what part?

ETHAN: Okay, it’s a large part. Ross is so preoccupied with his love life that I cannot keep his attention long enough to seal the deal.

ALEX: Oh, I see. I’m supposed to become his preoccupation so you can seal the deal.

ETHAN: Sort of.

ALEX: I don’t remember my job description including using my feminine wiles to help seal a deal.

ETHAN: (with amusement) Using your feminine wiles. Did you actually say “feminine wiles”?

ALEX: Yes, I did. Isn’t that what Drew wants?

ETHAN: Actually, he just wants you to help present our proposal from a woman’s perspective. The fact that you are a very knowledgeable, attractive woman is a plus. However, it’s completely up to you if you want to use your feminine wiles as part of the presentation.  I’m quite sure Mr. Ross would be quite receptive.

ALEX: So, Drew chose me for my knowledge and ability, and not to be bait for Ross.

ETHAN: (Trying to reassure her) He doesn’t want you do be bait. He thinks we make a good team. You use to think so too.

ALEX: That’s before I caught you with J.J.

ETHAN: That’s a very interesting response. I was talking about our work relationship but you made the leap to our personal relationship.

ALEX: We don’t have a personal relationship...

ETHAN: It doesn’t have to be that way.

ALEX: Yeah, it does.

ETHAN: Alex, I’ve tried to explain the whole J.J. thing, but you won’t let me.

ALEX: I know what I saw.

ETHAN: No, you know, what you think you saw.

ALEX: I don’t want to go there. Let’s just concentrate on the Ross account.

ETHAN: You’re the one that brought up J.J.. You must want to go there.

ALEX: Well, I don’t. 

ETHAN: (pleading) Alex, please I’d like to get things straightened out.

ALEX:   If you need to straighten anything out, shouldn’t it be with Emily. (Sounding jealous) By the way, I meet her today.

ETHAN: (Picking up on Alex’s jealousy) Jealous, huh?

ALEX: Not at all.

ETHAN: Sounds like it me.

ALEX: (Firmly) I suggest you get your hearing checked. (They are interrupted by Drew’s (Dana’s) entrance.)

DREW (DANA): (Enters after a quick knock) Good you’re both here.  Ethan have you brought Alex up to speed on the Ross account?

ETHAN: I was just doing that.

DREW (DANA): Alex, I’m counting on you to help sell our proposal.

ALEX: I’ll do my best.

DREW (DANA): I know you will. Ethan and you make a dynamite team.

ETHAN: That’s what I told her.

DREW: (DANA): I have to go. I have a meeting. I just wanted to tell you that there would be a sizeable bonus for both of you when you land Ross’s $20 million account.

ETHAN and ALEX: Thank you.  (Drew (Dana) leaves.

ALEX: (thinking aloud) The things I have to do for $20 million dollars.

ETHAN: (Thinking Alex is talking about having to work with him, he is very hurt by her tone.)  I know you don’t really want to work with me.

ALEX: (Realizing how offended he sounded) I’m sorry. I wasn’t aiming that comment toward you.

ETHAN: It sure sounded like it. (Realizing that he had left a folder in his office that they needed) I’m afraid I’ve forgotten one of the files you need. It’s in my office. I’ll be right back.

ALEX: That’s all right. I’ll go with you. We can go over it there.

                                             Scene Two

 Procter and Jones Advertizing Agency where J.J. works. 

J.J’s office 

J.J.’s office has a desk with the usual accessories. She can have a laptop on her desk or a desktop somewhere else in the office. Because she is an award-winning employee, her office is decorated to display her advertizing awards. She also has a small couch that fits back to back with the couch in Alex’s office. She also has a chair beside her desk and an extra one located along the back wall of her office. Her office also has various floral arrangements given by her admirers.

(As the scene begins, .J.J. enters carrying her brief case and purse. Her best friend and co-worker, Beth Collins, is following her. She puts her stuff down and sits down at her desk. Beth sits on the couch.)

BETH: So your uncle said what!

J.J.: He said (Before she finishes her sentence, she is interrupted by a co-worker, a man who knocks and then, enters with a mocha latté in his hand.) 

JUSTIN: (Very cheerfully to J.J.) Good morning.J.J.. I saw you come in and thought you might like to begin your morning with a mocha latte.

J.J.: (very impressed)  How thoughtful.

JUSTIN: (very pleased with her response) Thanks.

BETH: (curious about Justin thoughtfulness) You just happened to have an extra mocha latte setting around.

 JUSTIN: (explaining with honesty) Well, not exactly. When I saw J.J. get on the elevator, I stopped in the lobby and picked one up.

BETH: (dumbfounded) J.J.’s right. That is very thoughtful.

JUSTIN:  (to J.J. with a smile.) I hope I got it right. You take yours with lots of foam, a shoot of milk and a dollop of whip cream on the top.

J.J: (taking a drink, while Justin watches with interest.) It’s great. Thanks again.

JUSTIN: J.J. I’ll call you later about Saturday night.

BETH: (trying not to sound desperate, but does) If you can’t get her, you can always try me.

JUSTIN: (trying to sound polite but comes off sarcastic.)  Sure.  I’ll do that. 

BETH: (Energetically as Justin is leaving) I like mocha latte too.

J.J.: (instructively) No, Beth no.

BETH: (defeated) Back to your uncle. He told you what?

J.J.: He said that if I wanted to inherit $20 million I had to get married within a month.

BETH: Well, that should be easy for you. You have guys everywhere.

J.J.: Yeah, but only one I’d like to marry, and he won’t give me the time of day.

BETH: You mean Ethan.

J.J.: (shaking her head affirmatively.) I mean Ethan.

BETH: Have you tried calling him again?

J.J.: Yes, but he won’t even answer his phone. I even tried showing up unannounced at his apartment.

BETH:  (Amazed) You did.

J.J.: Yeah, I did and it was a big mistake.

BETH: What happened?

J.J.: There was another woman there, and I looked like a fool mooning over a guy I can’t have.

BETH: Was it Alex?

J.J.: (With a sigh) No, it wasn’t Alex. I’m sure I nipped that in the bud. You should have seen her face when she caught Ethan with me. He didn’t see her come in, but I did, and I grabbed him and kissed him right in front of her. (remembering) You should have seen her face.

BETH: Very jealous and mad huh?

J.J.: No, she was hurt, extremely hurt.

BETH: So she really liked Ethan a lot?

J.J.: Yeah, but I like him too. I wasn’t about to let her have him. You know how competitive Alex and I have always been. She wanted him and I wanted him. Unfortunately for me, he wanted her.

BETH: (repeating to make sure she heard J.J. correctly) Ethan wanted her.

J.J.: Yeah, that’s why he met me that day. He wanted to tell me that he was in love with Alex.

BETH: Ethan loves Alex. 

J.J.: He did, but after she saw us together, she wouldn’t have anything else to do with him, and he blames me for it. 

BETH:  It was your fault.

J.J.: I know, but I did not mean to spoil my chances with him, I just meant to get Alex out of the picture. I guess he really did love her.

Beth: Tough break.

J.J.:  I guess he’s over Alex now and has moved on to the woman in his apartment. I think her name was Emily. 

BETH: So Ethan is not a possibility for a husband. 

J.J.: Nope. (J.J.’s secretary Katie enters with a vase of beautiful roses.)

KATIE: These were just delivered for you Miss Jamison. (She sets the roses on J.J.’s desk.)

J.J.: Thank you. (Katie exits. J.J. opens the card.)

BETH: Wow, what beautiful roses, who sent them?

J.J.: A client

BETH: See, what I mean you have men all over the place.

J.J.: Yeah, but.

BETH: But, nothing. Anyone that you don’t want I’ll take. (Smelling the roses) How but the one that sent you these?

J.J.: Sure, if you don’t care that he’s married.

BETH: J.J. you date married men.

J.J.: No, I don’t, but he keeps trying.

BETH:  Well, we need to find you a husband so get out that little black book of yours.  I know there are some likely candidates in there.

J.J.: Yeah, I guess.

BETH: What do you mean you guess? You have twenty million reasons to try to find someone. (J.J. has taken the black book from her purse and Beth takes it from her hand and begins to peruse the names.)  Wow, you must have fifty names in here.

J.J.: Yep.

BETH: (Amazed) Look at all of these names. I never knew you dated this many guys. (Looking through the list of names). I don’t see Ethan’s name in here anywhere.

J.J.: No, he’s special. Those are guys I dated for fun, nothing serious.

BETH: (Continuing to inspect the book.) Fun, huh? There’s something I’d like to know. 

J.J.: Okay, shoot.

BETH: Some of the names have stars by them.

J.J.: That’s right.

BETH: Some have one star, some have two, a few have three and one guy has five.

J.J: (Smiling): Uh, huh.

BETH: What do the stars mean?

J.J.: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

BETH: (Excited expression on her face) Wow, that means it must be something good.

J.J.: (Smiling) It might be.

BETH: Something really, good?

J.J.: Privileged information.

BETH: (Unbelief) You’re not going to tell me, are you?

 J.J.: No, I am not.

BETH: That’s wrong! That is so wrong!  I’d tell you.

J.J.: Well, I’m not telling you. Now, would you like to help me choose some candidates or not?

BETH: Yes, I want to help.

J.J.: Okay let’s get started.

BETH: Okay, but I could help you make wiser choices if I knew what the stars meant.

J.J.: Give it up. 

BETH: (Suddenly discovering some information in the back of the little black book.) I may not know what the stars mean, but you have some amazing stuff in the back. I can’t believe that you kept all of these notes on your dates. You know everything about these guys except their mother’s maiden name.

J.J.: (Shaking her head in agreement.)  I thought it might come in handy.

BETH: How so?

J.J.: I found out very early that the best way to keep a man happy is to keep him talking about what he’s most interested in, and that is usually himself. He’s happy and I’m happy because he likes me and can’t seem to do enough for me.

BETH: I see. It says here that Philip Barrett is a mechanic.

J.J.: (Remembering Philip) Yep, free tires, tire rotation, oil changes and detailing.

BETH: No, free gas,

J.J.: Oh, yeah. I forgot about the free gas.

BETH: I don’t see you married to a mechanic no matter how much free gas.

J.J.: (Shaking her head in agreement while looking over Beth’s shoulder at the book.) Tommy Turner is a jeweler.

BETH: A jeweler…...now we’re talking. What did you get from him?

J.J.: Diamond necklaces, bracelet, Rolex watch.

BETH: (interrupting) what no diamond ring?

J.J.: He offered. I told him that I’d rather have an emerald ring.

BETH: Hurray, for Tommy. He’s a definite candidate. (J.J. agrees. Beth writes down his name.)

J.J.: (Looking at the book and pointing at a name)  Jordan Jefferson

BETH: (continuing where J.J. left off) Oooh, he’s a banker. What did he do for you?

J.J.:  Free checking and five thousand dollar line of credit that I don’t have to be in a hurry to pay back.

BETH: Wow, he’s definitely a candidate.  

.

BETH:  Can you come up with anyone off the top of your head?

J.J.: Robert Wilbanks. 

BETH: What is his occupation?

J.J.: He’s a police officer.

BETH: A husband who’s a police officer. Would your uncle go for that?

J.J.: (With a look of very fond remembrance) I’m not sure, but I might, especially if it’s Robert.

BETH: Let me guess he’s a four star man.

J.J.: (Holding up five fingers) He’s a five.

BETH: So Robert is a definite candidate. (J.J. shakes her head affirmatively. Beth writes down his name.) That makes three. How many do you think we need to start with?

J.J.: I think three will be enough to start with.

BETH: (Looking back through the book) Yeah, you have candidates with impressive occupations and comparing the stars by their names, you have two threes and a five.

J.J. : ( Nodding). Yep! Let’s go get you a mocha latte before we implement our second phase.    

                                           Curtain closes or black out

                                              Scene Three

                                                  Alex’s office   

As the scene begins, Alex is at her desk reading over the Ross files. Lacy enters waving a piece of paper in her hand.

LACY: (excitedly) Okay, I’ve done the research. Ethan recommended eCouples.com.

ALEX: (sarcastically) eCouples.com, how original.

LACY: It may not be original, but according to Ethan, it’s effective.

ALEX: (very sarcastically) Of course, that’s how he met Emily.

LACY: If I didn’t know better, I say that you sounded jealous.

ALEX: (emphatically) Yeah, but you know better.

LACY: (only half believing her) Yeah, I know better.

ALEX: You’re sure he didn’t suspect you were asking for me.

LACY: ( with pretend seriousness) Of course not. I told him I was asking for my mother.

ALEX: For your mother!

LACY: (matter of factly) Yeah, she’s getting kind of tired of my dad.

ALEX: (shocked) Lacy, you didn’t.

LACY: Of course, I didn’t.  I’m just messing with you. I told you that I’d be discreet and I was. Let’s get started.

ALEX: Lacy, I need to familiarize myself with the Ross account.

LACY: (insistently) No, you need to find a husband. Let Ethan take care of the account and you just ride shotgun.

ALEX:  I don’t know.

LACY: Well, I do. Move over and let me at the computer. (She types eCouples.com and begins to read as the website comes up.)  Okay here we go. (Reading the screen) For only an initial fee of $37.99 and $ 9.95 per month, we’ll match you with the person of your dreams based on 90 points of compatibility resulting from the entries that you make on your personal profile.

ALEX: (skeptically) Wow, 90% compatibility.

LACY: That’s what it says. Now, give me your credit card. (Alex gets her credit card from her purse and Lacy says the information aloud as she types it in. When she finishes she hits the enter key. The personal profile page appears.) Here we go.

ALEX: (with great reluctance) I really don’t know about this.

LACY: Well, I do. (Alex watches as Lacy is typing the information. Lacy says all the information aloud as she types.)  Simpson, Alexandra Kay. Address  1629 Lauderdale Date of birth. 8/30/(whatever year will make her be twenty-five), Occupation: Computer software designer. Educational level. Masters. Hobbies. (Lacy looks at Alex and waits for an answer.)

ALEX: Let me see. When I’m not working I like to curl up with a good book.

LACY: (in disbelief). Girl, you couldn’t date much if you wanted to.

ALEX: I couldn’t.

LACY: No, you couldn’t. Men aren’t attracted to workaholic women who in their spare time curl up with a good book.

ALEX:  They’re not.

LACY: (emphatically) No, they are not. 

ALEX: So what do we do?

LACY: (emphatically) We lie; that’s what we do. (She thinks for a moment and begins to type.)  Hobbies: scuba diving, sky diving, surfing and long rides on a Harley. (Alex’s mouth flies open at the magnitude of the lies. Reading the next category, Lacy continues.) Personal philosophy of life. (She pauses and looks toward Alex for an answer.)

ALEX: (confidently) That’s easy. Always strive to be the best person that you can be. Treat others as you wish to be treated, and work hard because hard work pays off. (Lacy gives her the look that lets her know her philosophy of life is not acceptable for the profile. Alex responds with a sigh.) Okay, so lie.

LACY: (Pauses to think and then types) Squeeze every drop of fun that you can from life. (Lacy reads the next category) Next, if you could imagine yourself in your perfect place where would that be? (She looks at Alex and Alex begins to answer, but Lacy interrupts.) I know in a chair with a good book. (Alex nods her head. Lacy pauses thinks and begins to type.) My perfect place is a tropical island, walking on a moonlit beach in the edge of the ocean, holding hands with the man of my dreams. (Alex cannot believe the lies that LACY is concocting.) How would you describe yourself? (Lacy looks at Alex and Alex acquiesces to Lacy. Lacy thinks and  begins to type.) Fun loving, vivacious, intelligent, interested in people and adventure. (Alex shakes her head in amazement. ) How would others describe you? (Lacy answers this question without consulting Alex.) Outgoing, spontaneous, fun loving and sexy. (Alex shakes her head in disapproval.) Describe the person of your dreams. (Lacy looks at Alex for this answer.)

ALEX: Oh, so you’re going to let me do this one.

LACY: (with complete honesty) I’m not sure. I haven’t heard your answer yet.

ALEX: (shaking her head in disbelief, pauses and answers.). The person of my dreams. Let’s see…I want a man who is intelligent, well educated, a professional, nice looking, not self-absorbed, respectful of others, not afraid to be himself, and not afraid of commitment.

LACY: (typing her own version of Alex’s answer.) That’s not bad, but I’d better tweak it a little. (Alex watches as Lacy types her own version of the answer.)

ALEX: (frustrated) With this profile, how in the world am I going to find a man I am truly compatible with?

LACY: You may not, but you’ll end up with good-looking, fun loving guys who are ready to have a good time.

ALEX: That’s what I’m afraid of.

LACY: (trying to reassure her) Look Alex, you need to find a presentable guy that your uncle will approve of and you need to do it quickly.  It’s sort of, like when you go fishing. If you’re going to catch anything worth keeping, you have to use the right kind of bait. We’re just using juicy attractive bait.

ALEX: But, sometimes you catch the wrong kind of fish.

LACY: That’s when you don’t keep it. You throw it back.

ALEX: What if you catch a shark?

LACY: You run……fast.

ALEX: (very skeptical) I don’t know about this.

LACY: Trust me. It will be fine.

ALEX: It had better be.

LACY: (looking at the screen) There’s one more thing we need to do.

ALEX: What’s that?

LACY: We need to scan your picture into the profile.

ALEX: (very skeptical) Where does it say that?

LACY: (points to the place on the screen) Right there.

ALEX: (adamantly) Wait a minute. It says you can place your picture with the profile if you choose to and, I don’t choose to.

LACY: ( with complete honesty) Alex, once these guys meet you, your looks are about the only true thing you’ve got going for you. 

ALEX: (with a heavy, reluctant sigh.)  I don’t know about this.

LACY: I do. Let’s go.

ALEX: (confused) Where are we going?

LACY: (Grabbing Alex’s purse and arm, they exit with Lacy dragging a reluctant Alex out the door.) Glamour shots!  

 (Shortly after Alex and Lacy exit, Ethan and Daniel enter Alex’s office. Ethan goes to Alex’s desk to look for the Ross file. Daniel waits for him to find it.)

ETHAN: Just let me get the Ross file and we’ll go to lunch. (He rummages through the pile of files on Alex’s desk. He finds the piece of paper with eCouples.com on it.) Wonder what this is doing here?

DANIEL: What is it?

ETHAN: It’s a piece of paper with the name of the online dating service I recommended to Lacy.

DANIEL: (bewildered) Lacy wanted a dating service.

ETHAN: I’m sure it wasn’t for her.

DANIEL: I’m sure she doesn’t need one. 

ETHAN: She told me that it was for her cousin Sally, who had Bugs Bunny teeth and Mr. Magoo eyes.

DANIEL: I can’t imagine that an attractive girl like Lacy would have a cousin who looks like that.

ETHAN: (skeptically) I’m not sure that she does.

DANIEL: Huh?

ETHAN: (explaining his skepticism) She and Alex were up to something when we came in here this morning and now, I find this on Alex’s desk.

DANIEL: (confused) Okay Sherlock what does it all mean?

ETHAN: I suspect it means that Alex and Lacy are up to something and that it involves an online dating service. Do me a favor please check the hall to see if the coast is clear?

DANIEL: (Not catching on) Huh?

ETHAN: Check to see if either Alex or Lacy are in the hall. If not, stand guard and let me know if you see either of them coming towards the office.

DANIEL: Oh, I get it. (Daniel moves to the hallway, peeps around the corner, gives the okay sign, and begins guard duty. Ethan moves to Alex’s computer and brings up her eCouples.com profile.)

ETHAN: (finding what he suspected) Just as I thought.

DANIEL: What did you find?

ETHAN: I found an eCouples profile for Alex.

DANIEL: (amazed) Really, I didn’t think she was in to dating right now.

ETHAN:  Me either. (with surprise as he reads her profile) Nor did I know all these things about her. I thought she was the kind of woman who in her spare time liked to curl up with a good book

DANIEL: (curious) What does the profile say? Can I see?

ETHAN: No, you just stand guard. I’ll tell you about it later.

(While Ethan is reading Alex’s profile, the action shifts to J.J. and Beth as they enter J.J.’s office. Ethan continues reading Alex’s profile while Daniel continues being the lookout, as they give the scene to J.J. and Beth. As J.J. and Beth enter J.J.’s office, J.J. sits at her desk while Beth looks at the perspective husband candidates. J.J. stares at the phone and exhibits great reluctance to make the necessary calls. Beth decides to hand her the phone.)

BETH: (as she reaches for J.J.’s phone) Phase II is about to be implemented.

J.J.: (just as Beth pick up the phone, J.J. shouts very loudly) Wait!

BETH: (so startled that she drops the phone) What! 

J.J.: I have an idea. 

BETH: (with a hand on her heart and a little annoyed) You scared me to death.

J.J.: I want to try Ethan one more time. He’ll hang up if I call him, but he won’t hang up on you.

BETH: What am I going to say when he answers?

J.J.: Ask him if he still wants to own his own software business.  Tell him you know someone who’d be willing to finance it. If he’s interested and I think he will be, hand me the phone. Use your cell phone to call so he won’t know it’s me

BETH: (Using her cell phone dials as J.J. tells the number. As she finishes dialing, Ethan’s cell phone rings. After looking at the caller I.D., Ethan answers.) 

ETHAN: (After looking at the caller I.D., answers with a very business-like tone.) Ethan Harper

BETH: Mr. Harper, this is Beth Collins.

ETHAN: What can I do for you Ms. Collins?

BETH: Mr. Harper, it has come to my attention that you are interested in starting a software company. Is that correct?

ETHAN: (Cautiously) It might be.

BETH:  What if I told you that I know someone who is interested in financing that endeavor?

ETHAN: I’d want to know who that was. (Beth hands the phone to J.J.)

J.J.: It’s me Ethan. (Ethan sighs heavily and starts to hang up.) Don’t hang up on me please! I’m serious about financing your company. (A young lady appears at the door and motions for Beth. After conferring with the young woman, Beth motions to J.J. that she has to leave and exits.)

ETHAN: (Angry but intrigued) And, just where would you get that kind of money?

J.J.: From my Uncle Tony.

ETHAN: Your Uncle Tony’s just going to up and give you a million dollars.

J.J.: Not exactly.

ETHAN: (irritated) That’s what I thought.

J.J.: There’s a little catch.

ETHAN: (still irritated) A little catch, like what?

J.J.: I get the money if I marry someone Uncle Tony approves of.

ETHAN: (with irritation and understanding) I see. That’s why you called. I’ve told you, I’m not interested in you.

J.J.: (pleading) Not even, if I gave you half of the money.

ETHAN: (emphatically) Not even then.

J.J.: (continuing to plead)  We’re talking ten million dollars. Your share would be ten million dollars. You could have your own company.

ETHAN: (very emphatically) Not interested. 

J.J.: But...

ETHAN: (Coming to a sudden realization.) J.J., is Alex involved in this marriage for money thing?

J.J.: (playing dumb) Alex! What do you mean?

ETHAN: You know what I mean. 

J.J.: (Reluctantly) Yeah, she’s involved.

ETHAN: Thanks for the information. (He hangs up. J.J. looks at the phone. She can’t believe that he hung up on her. Nor can she believe that all he wanted was to know about Alex’s part in the whole thing. She sits dejectedly with her head in her hands. The action shifts back to Ethan and Daniel.) Now, this whole eCouples thing makes sense.

DANIEL: What are you talking about? What’s up? (Ethan doesn’t answer. he turns his attention back to Alex’s computer, makes a few strokes on the keyboard, and presses enter.)

ETHAN: (After hitting certain keys on the laptop, he triumphantly proclaims.) That does it. Now you’re under my control Alexandra Simpson.

DANIEL: (curious) Are you going to tell me what’s going on?

ETHAN: (very please with himself) I just made it possible for me to manipulate the results for Alex’s eCouples profile. I’ll make sure that she gets results that she will never forget.

DANIEL: (confused)  Why would you do that?

ETHAN: Because of something, that J.J. told me. 

DANIEL: What did she tell you?

ETHAN: (as he puts things back as he had found them on Alex’s desk) We’d better get out of here. Alex will probably be back any minute.

DANIEL: Aren’t you going to let me in on what’s going on?

ETHAN: (as he crosses to Daniel) I’ll tell you on the way to my office. (After checking the hallway to make sure the coast is clear, they exit.)

(Once Daniel and Ethan exit, the action shifts back to J.J.’s office. J.J. has been sitting in dejection since Ethan hung up on her. Beth enters. When she sees J.J., she knows that the phone call did not go well.)

BETH: No, luck huh?

J.J. Absolutely none.

BETH: At least you gave it a shot.

J.J.: (dejectedly) Yeah. I did.

BETH: (picks up the phone again and hands it to J.J.) Well, we are back to phase II. 

J.J.: (J.J. takes the phone and hangs it up.)  Let’s go to your office to complete phase II. I like your couch better and I need to relax before I call.

Curtain closes or black out.

Scene Four

(The scene begins in Alex’s office with Lacy sitting in front of the laptop and Alex looking very uncomfortable. Lacy is noticeably excited.)

LACY: In a matter of minutes, we should have a list of appropriate, marriageable men. Aren’t you excited?

ALEX: Nervous is more like it.

LACY: Why are you nervous? It’s not as if you are about to meet them face to face. You can see them, but they can’t see you.

ALEX: (very uncomfortable) Yeah, but they can see that awful glamour shot that you made me take.

LACY: (trying to reassure her) It wasn’t awful. It was just different.

ALEX: Yeah, it was different all right. I haven’t worn my hair that poufy or that much make-up in my whole life and that dress 

LACY: Remember, when you’re fishing you need juicy bait.

ALEX: (extremely uncomfortable) I just don’t like the whole fish analogy.

LACY: But, you do want results, don’t you?  You have twenty million reasons for wanting quick, reliable results.

ALEX: Yes, I want results, quick, reliable results.

LACY: So, are you ready for me to hit the button?

ALEX: (With a heavy sigh) I’m ready as I will ever be.

LACY: (Hitting the button) Here we go. (As the results are revealed, Lacy is very excited.) Hooray, you have four prospective matches.

ALEX: (Amazed) I do.

LACY: (Pleased) Yes, you do, and you’ll never guess who one of them is.

ALEX: Who?

LACY: Ethan 

ALEX: Ethan who?

LACY: Ethan Harper. According to this, you two are 98% compatible

ALEX: (with disbelief) I don’t believe it.

LACY: (pointing to the screen) You can look for yourself. It’s right here on the screen…... 98% compatibility.

ALEX: (very irritated) I don’t care what it says on the screen. I wouldn’t marry Ethan Harper if he were the last man on earth.

LACY: (confused) I don’t get it. Most women would jump at the chance to marry Ethan. He’s handsome, successful, and nice.

ALEX: Handsome and successful maybe, but not nice.

LACY: Do you know something that I don’t know and if so would you like to share.

ALEX: I just know what I know.

LACY: And, that would be?

ALEX: I don’t want to share.

LACY: Okay, Ethan is not a possibility, but we still have three others, Crawford Standish, Billy Bob Stewart and Clark Kent.

ALEX: (laughing) Clark Kent?

LACY: That’s what it says.

ALEX: (jokingly) I wonder if he’s “the Clark Kent.”

LACY: That would be great, but I’m afraid that you’re no “Lois Lane”.

ALEX:  Ha! Ha! Does he have a decent profile?

LACY: (a little surprised) Yeah, he does. As coincidence would have it, he’s in journalism. 

ALEX: (jokingly) Let me guess. He works for a great metropolitan newspaper.

LACY: No actually, he works for the Scranton Bugle.

ALEX: That’s no Daily Planet.

LACY: And, I’m sure that he’s no superman.

ALEX: (Moving toward the computer) What does he look like?

LACY: I’m afraid there’s no picture.

ALEX:  Who were the others?

LACY: Crawford Standish and Billy Bob Stewart

ALEX: Crawford Standish, that’s an unusual name.

LACY: (agreeing) Yeah, it is, but he owns his own company, Acme Food Distributors.

ALEX: What does he look like?

LACY: He’s not bad. Not good, but not bad.

ALEX: Let me see. (Looking at his picture.) I agree. He’s not too bad. (She sits back down.)

LACY: (As she clicks on the next profile.)  Billy Bob Stewart is in agribusiness.

ALEX: (having fun) With a name like that, he’d have to be.

LACY: Is agribusiness a bad thing?

ALEX: That depends.

LACY: On what?

ALEX: On what Billy Bob looks like and acts like?

LACY: I can’t help you on the looks part. There’s no picture.

ALEX: (worried) The fact that two of these guys have no picture worries me.

LACY: Why? If I had let you have your way, your profile would have had no picture.

ALEX: I guess you’re right.

LACY: So whom do you want to meet first?

ALEX: (apathetically) I don’t care.

LACY: Let’s be scientific about it. Pick a number between one and (pauses as if she is thinking of what the other number should be and finally decides) uh,  three.

ALEX: (amused by her choice of numbers) two

LACY: (pleased with Alex’s choice)  Billy Bob will be our very first interview.

ALEX: Our first interview?

LACY: Sure, we are in this thing together. Besides, I don’t want you to chicken out and let J.J. have our money.

ALEX: Our money?

LACY: Sure, I deserve at least a finder’s fee when you get the money.

ALEX: How much of a finder’s fee?

LACY: Maybe, 10%.

ALEX: (shocked and amused) You want 2 million dollars!

LACY: That’s the standard finder’s fee, but I’ll take whatever you give me.  I know that you will be especially generous to your very best friend since the second grade.

ALEX: I’m not sure I’ll be $2 million generous.