Railroad John And The Red Rock Run

Book by Tony Crunk

Music by John Stallsmith

Lyrics by John Stallsmith & Tony Crunk

RAILROAD JOHN AND THE RED ROCK RUN

 Copyright 2009  

by Tony Crunk and John Stallsmith

All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that RAILROAD JOHN AND THE RED ROCK RUN is subject to a royalty.  It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union.  All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign language are strictly reserved. 

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Cast in order of appearance

Conductor Clem (or Clementine) - dressed in a traditional blue conductor’s suit, Clem is the storyteller who engages the audience.

Railroad John - dressed in striped overalls, John is confident and proud and maintains a calm leadership throughout.

Coot - dressed as a ragged prospector-type, Coot is ardently country and has a clear disdain for Dandy.

Farmella - dressed as a country farm girl, Farmella talks with a slow, southern drawl and takes an immediate liking to Dandy.

Fastidia - dressed in a long-sleeved, frilly dress and skirt with gloves and hat, Fastidia is a refined southern lady who is easily terrified by the events onboard the train.

Dandy - dressed in a brown suit, Dandy is an overly confident city slicker who finds himself at odds with the various other characters.

Granny Apple Fritter - dressed in her Sunday finest, Granny is a loud, pushy, feisty lady who aims to get to Red Rock on time.

Lonesome Bob - dressed in a Sunday suit, Bob is shy and insecure and is going to marry his opposite.

Bad Bill - dressed in black and visually intimidating, Bill is a gang leader who enjoys being the villain.

Bad Bill’s Gang - dressed in black with bandanas, the gang members accompany Bill, but are clearly less intelligent than their leader.

Flame - Bill’s horse and object of his affection.

Cow - runs across stage or throughout the audience during the tornado scene

Wildcat Annie - dressed in bright yellow, Annie is a strong-willed western gal who marries Lonesome Bob.

Wildcat Annie’s Gang - dressed brightly, Annie’s gang accompanies her onstage and handles Bad Bill’s gang.

Grampa Crusty Huckaback - dressed in old country clothes, Grampa is unclean but kindly old gentlemen who takes a shine to Granny.

Author’s Note:  When performed for a children’s audience, the director may instruct the audience to join the cast each time the phrase “HE’S NEVER BEEN LATE ONCE YET” is heard.

Performance History

Railroad John and the Red Rock Run was premiered by the Bevill State Community College Music Department in Jasper, Alabama in March of 2007.  Three performances were given for school children who were brought to the college campus during school hours.  One evening performance was given for the public.

The success of the show and its performances can be measured by the immense enthusiasm of the audience.  Children enjoyed not only the performance itself, but their own participation. The production used the entire hall as well as the stage in an effort to reach the audience in direct and entertaining ways.

Special thanks to Becki Stallsmith for her help and support in the creation and production of “Railroad John”.

Railroad John And The Red Rock Run

(Train station platform.  Passengers arriving with belongings -- excitement, anticipation.  Fade in sound of train chuffing in from a distance.  Enter uniformed CONDUCTOR, carrying a copy of the book and looking at very oversized pocket watch.)

CONDUCTOR

(With high officiousness)  At-ten-tion passengers!  The Sagebrush Flyer now ar-riving, 1:03, from Cow Town!  With connections from River City, Blue Sky Gulch, and all points east!  De-parting 1:13 for Red Rock, arriving at 1:59, with connections for Cactus Canyon, Gold Rush Station and all points west! Please have your tickets ready before boarding!  (Train whistle fading in.  CONDUCTOR addresses audience.)  You hear that whistle rising over the hill? You see that smoke coming round the bend?  Well, that (with great pride) that is the Sagebrush Flyer -- the fastest train there is.  Why, that train is so fast, it takes two people to see it:  one to holler, "Here she comes!" and one to holler, "Thar-r-r she goes!"  And sitting at the switch is Railroad John, the greatest engineer OF ALL TIME!!  Why, Railroad John's been driving the Sagebrush Flyer for FORTY YEARS!  And they've NEVER BEEN LATE ONCE YET!  And you folks are in for a real treat.  Because this (with great pride) this is the story of Railroad John's greatest adventure of ALL TIME!  It's the story of Railroad John and the Red Rock Run!

(Train pulls in.  Much noise and excitement.  RAILROAD JOHN waving, tooting whistle for crowd.  Crowd waving, calling hellos to him.)  

[SONG – RAILROAD JOHN]

ALL (singing) It’s Railroad John and the Red Rock Run; 

they’ll be on time you can bet!

He’s been drivin’ this train for forty years 

and he’s never been late once yet!

Men (saying) Here She Comes

Women (saying)  Thar She Goes

ALL (singing)    Horses get the speed they need by munching hay and

grass;

This train she gulps down mounds of coal to make her

lightning fast.

Ships they catch the speed of wind by setting high their sails.

The Sagebrush leaves the wind behind, she’s the fastest thing on rails.

It’s Railroad John and the Red Rock Run; 

they’ll be on time you can bet!

He’s been drivin’ this train for forty years 

and he’s never been late once yet!

Men (saying) Here She Comes

Women (saying)   Thar She Goes

Railroad John (singing) Cowboys have their horses, and farmers have

their crops.

Lawmen have their outlaws, and merchants have    their shops.

Me, I’ve got the Flyer, my lady strong and fine.

But unlike any woman I know, she’s always been on time.

ALL (singing)   It’s Railroad John and the Red Rock Run; 

they’ll be on time you can bet!

He’s been drivin’ this train for forty years 

And he’s never been late once yet!

He’s been drivin’ this train for forty years 

and he’s never been late once yet!

           (Passengers gather belongings, line up to board.  CONDUCTOR at door/steps to assist them on.  RAILROAD JOHN comes to stand beside him.)

CONDUCTOR

Howdy, Railroad John.

RAILROAD JOHN

Howdy, Conductor Clem.  How's it looking today?

CONDUCTOR

Looks like a full load, Railroad.

RAILROAD JOHN

Good, good.

CONDUCTOR

Weather looks fine.  Maybe a little rain shower around Sulphur Flats, but otherwise it's clear skies and clear tracks ahead.

RAILROAD JOHN

Good, good.  (Pulls out, looks at very oversized pocket watch) Well, load 'em up.  This train pulls out in 4 minutes and 18 seconds. 

  (Passengers board and begin settling into facing bench seats.  COOT sits first, FARMELLA beside him,  FASTIDIA opposite.  DANDY, with hat raised to the ladies, is politely last to sit.)

DANDY

Well, isn’t this delightful?  Allow me – (offers hand to Fastidia) – Sir Dandy Puffenwhiff Giles St.-John Castlebury, the third.

FASTIDIA

Oh my! (offers hand) Fastidia. . . Miss Fastidia Periwinkle Powderstockings. . . the first (titters).

DANDY

Ah! Miss Fastidia (kisses her hand).  Charmed.  And what a charming name.FASTIDIA

(Atwitter) Oh, Mr. Dandy.  How gracious of you.  

FARMELLA

(Abruptly thrusts her hand out) I’m Farmella.

DANDY

Ah!  Miss Farmella (takes her hand).  Farmella. . . (waiting the rest of her name). . .FARMELLA

That’s right.  Farmella.

DANDY

Ah!  Indeed! (kisses her hand).  Charmed.  (Turns, offers his hand to COOT.)  And you, sir. . .?

COOT

(Demurs from taking DANDY’s hand – doesn’t want to get his own kissed) Most folks ‘round these parts just calls me Coot.

DANDY

Well, Mr. Coot (tipping his hat).  A pleasure, I’m sure.  Well!  Isn’t this just so exciting?  A real train ride!  A real wild west adventure, at last!  This is smashing!  Simply smashing!

COOT

(Eyeing DANDY incredulously, suspiciously) You ain’t from around here, are you?DANDY

Oh no, Mr. Coot.  Far from it!  But this trip is a life-long dream for me.  Finally!  The great, wild west.  The cows, the rodeos, the stern, hardy cowpokes!  The fearless pioneers, the vile, ornery outlaws!  Oh, I can’t wait!  

(COOT rolls his eyes in incredulous disdain.)

FASTIDIA

Well, welcome Mr. Dandy.  I so hope you enjoy your time here.

DANDY

Why thank you, Miss Fastidia.  I’m quite sure I shall.  It’s just smashing to be here!  Simply smashing!

FARMELLA

(Flatly, abruptly) I like train rides.

DANDY

Oh, and do you, Miss Farmella?  

FARMELLA

Yeah, I do.  You go fast and you get to see things.

DANDY

Why, that’s so.  And tell me, do you travel often. . . ?

           (Conversation continues in pantomime, as following action unfolds fore-stage:  GRANNY APPLE FRITTER and LONESOME BOB, baggage in tow, come hustling up to RAILROAD JOHN and CONDUCTOR, still standing at passenger car door.)

RAILROAD JOHN

Well, well!  Look who’s coming here!  If it ain't my old friends Lonesome Bob and Granny Apple Fritter!  Slow down there folks!  Slow down!  Howdy Lonesome!  Howdy Granny!

LONESOME BOB / GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

(Panting) Howdy Railroad!

RAILROAD JOHN

It's good to see you.

LONESOME BOB / GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

Good to see you, too, Railroad.

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

We’re so glad you haven’t left yet.

RAILROAD JOHN

Oh no, no.  We don’t leave for another minute and twelve seconds.  You’ve got plenty of time.  But where are you folks off to today, all dressed up in your Sunday finery?

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

(Elbowing LONESOME BOB, excited, busting with the news)  Tell 'im Lonesome!  Tell 'im!

LONESOME BOB

(Mumbles)  I'm going to get married today.

RAILROAD JOHN

(Acting as though he's fully understood, but still a bit puzzled) Oh!  So, you're going to be carried someplace.  I see, I see. . .

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

No, no!  (elbowing LONESOME BOB again) Tell 'im again Lonesome!  Tell 'im again! 

LONESOME BOB

(Mumbles again)  I'm going to get married today.

RAILROAD JOHN

(Again acting as though he's fully understood, but puzzled)  Oh!  You're going to meet Larry some day!  I see, I see. . 

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

(Unable to contain herself any longer)  No! No!  Lonesome's going to get MARRIED TODAY!  

(LONESOME BOB looking especially hangdog bashful.)  

RAILROAD JOHN

Going to get married today!?!  Well!  Well!  That's mighty big news!  

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

Oh yes!  Mighty big!  Mighty big!  

RAILROAD JOHN

Well congratulations, Lonesome.  I'm mighty proud for you.  And it's a mighty fine day for marrying, too.  

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

Oh yes!  Mighty fine!  Mighty fine!  Now Railroad, the wedding's at Red Rock at two o'clock sharp.  And we can't be a minute late. 

RAILROAD JOHN

Well that's just fine.  The Sagebrush Flyer hits Red Rock at exactly 1:59.  We'll get you there in plenty of time.  You know, I've driven this train for forty years and we haven't been late once yet.  

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

I know, Railroad.  We're counting on you now.  And I know you won't let us down.

RAILROAD JOHN

Well thank you Granny.  I appreciate that.  I can't wait to hear all about the big doings.  But right now, I've got to get this train a-rollin'.  We'll visit some more in a little bit.  Welcome aboard!

(They board, settle in.  RAILROAD JOHN boards engine, fiddles with knobs, levers.)

CONDUCTOR

(Taking a last officious pace up and down the platform, pocket watch in hand, calling out)  ALL-L-L A-BOARD!!   LAST CALL!  THE SAGE-BRUSH FLYER NOW DE-PARTING FOR R-R-RED ROCK AND ALL POINTS WEST!  ALL-L-L A-BOARD!  LAST CALL!   (Then to RAILROAD JOHN) 1:13 on the dot, Railroad.  Let 'er roll!  

RAILROAD JOHN

Yes sir!  (He pulls whistle for a couple of loud toots.  Fade in sound of train chuffing away.)

CONDUCTOR

(To audience)  Well, on that fateful day, the Sagebrush Flyer pulled out of the station right on time, just like always.  So, off we dartled, rockety-pop and poppety-rock -- a beautiful day for a ride!  We flew up Tombstone Mesa, and down through Buzzard Pass.. . (He has gradually turned to address passengers, in a kind of tour-guide voice) and, as we make our way through Buzzard Pass, you will see, on my left the sleepy village of Drybone, home of the legendary tall tale hero, Wild Bill Hickock.  Now Wild Bill Hickock was so wild, he wore a rattlesnake for a necktie and rode a grizzly bear instead of a horse.  Well, one day, a mean-looking tornado come bearing down on Drybone; stormin’ and blowin’; and Wild Bill went out to meet it.  He jumped up on back of that tornado, wrestled it to the ground, and squeezed every bit of the rainwater out of it – creating beautiful Drybone Lake, which you see now directly to my right. (He moves to engine.  RAILROAD JOHN turns controls over to him, then goes back to visit with passengers.)

RAILROAD JOHN

(With a slap on the back to LONESOME BOB)  Well, well, well!  My old friend Lonesome Bob's finally getting hitched!  Congratulations, again, Lonesome!  It's a mighty big day, isn't it?

LONESOME BOB

(Hangdog, barely audible) Yup.

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER  

Oh yessir!  Mighty big!  Mighty big!

RAILROAD JOHN

You must be pretty excited, eh?

LONESOME BOB

Yup.

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

Oh yes-sir-ee!  Mighty, mighty excited!

RAILROAD JOHN

(Beginning to feel awkward at not getting much response from LONESOME BOB)  I see. . . pretty. . pretty excited. . . hm-m-m.  Going to be a big wedding, I reckon?

LONESOME BOB  

Yup.  

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

Oh yessir!  Mighty big!  Mighty big!

RAILROAD JOHN

I see. . . big wedding. . . lots of. . . lots of people there. . . I reckon. . . hm-m-m.  Well, now tell me the biggest news:  who is the lucky lady?

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

(Elbowing Lonesome Bob) Tell 'im Lonesome!  Tell 'im!

LONESOME BOB

(Mumbles inaudibly)

RAILROAD JOHN

(Struggling to understand him)  Who's that you say. . . ?  Wilma. . . ?  Wilma . . . Flintstone?

LONESOME BOB

(GRANNY APPLE FRITTER gives him an extra-hard nudge, knocking the blurt out of him)  WILDCAT ANNIE!  I AIM TO MARRY WILDCAT ANNIE!  

RAILROAD JOHN

Wildcat Annie!  Well my goodness gracious!  Good for you!  

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

That's right!  My Lonesome's marrying Wildcat Annie!  Heh-heh!  Why that gal is wild as a panther!

LONESOME BOB

(Blurting again) BUT GRANNY, SHE'S SWEET AS A HONEY BEE'S GOLD TOOTH, TOO!

RAILROAD JOHN

Well, she is that for a fact.  You're right there, Lonesome.

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

Oh yes, she's mighty sweet.  Mighty, mighty sweet.

RAILROAD JOHN

Well, I guess you're feeling pretty good right now?  Maybe a little light-headed even . . .? 

LONESOME BOB

(Mumbles)  I wrote a song about her.

RAILROAD JOHN

(Struggling to understand, yet again) What's that you say?  You say you. . . you rode a donkey backward?

LONESOME BOB

I WROTE A SONG ABOUT HER!

RAILROAD JOHN

Oh-h-h! You wrote a song about her!  

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

Oh yes-sir-ee!  And it's a mighty fine song, too!  Mighty fine!

RAILROAD JOHN

Well I sure would like to hear it, if you'd like to sing it.

LONESOME BOB

(Mumbles inarticulately, pulls out guitar, tunes a few strings, mumbles a bit more. But when he launches into song, his voice is clear, crisp, melodious -- clearly a singer, not a talker. . . ) 

[SONG-- LONESOME]

Lonesome (sings) It’s lonesome to be the only pea in a pod.

It’s lonesome to be the only pea in a pod.

A Jack with no Jill; alone on a hill.  

It’s lonesome to be just me.

It’s lonesome to be the only bird of a feather.

It’s lonesome to be the only bird of a feather.

The only foot tapping; the only hand clapping.  

It’s lonesome to be just me.

It’s lonesome to be the only voice in a song.

It’s lonesome to be the only voice in a song.

A hand with no glove; with no one to love.

It’s lonesome to be just me.

I been lonesome all my life, but I’ll nevermore lonesome be.

I’m headin’ to Red Rock to meet my bride.

Wildcat Annie’s the girl fo me.

There’s gonna be a marryin’ a marryin’ today.

There’s gonna be a marryin’ a marryin’ today.

I love that Wildcat Annie.  She’s chased all my blues away.

ALL (singing) There’s gonna be a marryin’ a marryin’ today.

There’s gonna be a marryin’ a marryin’ today.

He loves that Wildcat Annie.  She’s chased all his blues away.

He loves that Wildcat Annie.  She’s chased all his blues away.

(As song ends, congratulations to LONESOME BOB all around -- general festiveness.  RAILROAD JOHN returns to tending engine, whistling chorus of LONESOME’s song.  Passengers settle back into seats.)

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

You’re a good boy, Lonesome.

FASTIDIA

Oh, a wedding!  I think that is just so darling!  (Then, flirtatiously) Don’t you find that just darling, Mr.Dandy?

FARMELLA

(Eyeing DANDY pointedly, clearly taken with him, but still very flat, deadpan, not at all overtly flirtatious or suggestive).  I wish I had me a man.

FASTIDIA

Why, yes Miss Farmella?

FARMELLA

Yeah I do.  It gets lonesome out on the ranch, a-herding cows and mending fences and cooking beans.  I sure could use some help sometimes.  (sympathetic nods all around) Do you like ranches Mr. Dandy?

DANDY

(A bit taken aback, but impeccably polite) Oh?  Well. . . I suppose I’d never really thought about it actually.  Do tell me more. . . (conversation fades to pantomime, as before)

CONDUCTOR

(To audience) Well, it was indeed a beautiful day for a ride!  It was a big day for Lonesome Bob, and we were all just pleased as punch to be part of the wedding train.  So, the Sagebrush Flyer went calahooting down the tracks, mickety-tuck and tuckety-mick, and (slowly turning to address passengers, resuming tour guide role) as we skirt past Rustler's Ridge, if you will look directly to my left, you’ll see the infamous Badlands Territory, which, at one time, was home to the meanest, baddest outlaws ever to roam the wild west (excited titters among passengers.)  Including the best-known outlaw of all, Billy the Kid.  Why, Billy the Kid was only four years old when he robbed his first stagecoach.  

FASTIDIA

(All aflutter)  Oh Mr. Conductor!  Do you. . . do you think  it's safe here?  I mean, are any of those bad people still to be found hereabouts?

CONDUCTOR

(As he speaks, RAILROAD JOHN, at the switch, pantomimes seeing something on the tracks in the distance -- reacting at first with slight curiosity, then growing to vexation, to concern, to outright alarm)  Oh no, ma'am (slight chuckle)  There's no need for concern.  The days of the wild, wild west are a thing of the distant past.  Hard-hearted outlaws, cold-blooded gunslingers, rustlers and bandits -- they live on now only in legend and myth, in story and song, and in the occasional stage play.  (entire cast strike a theatrical pose for a few seconds)

DANDY

Oh, drat!  Wouldn’t that have been just smashing?  To see a real live outlaw, up close?  With the six-shooter and the black hat, and all?  

FASTIDIA

(Taking Dandy’s arm) Why Mr. Dandy, aren’t you ever so brave?

(COOT snorts disdain.  Then, RAILROAD JOHN slams on the brakes -- jerking, jouncing among all  passengers.)

LONESOME BOB

(Rushing to join RAILROAD JOHN in the engine) What'd you do that for, Railroad? 

(GRANNY APPLE FRITTER comes up behind them, looking suspiciously at situation)

RAILROAD JOHN

Looks like some folks gathered on the tracks up ahead.

LONESOME BOB

Who do you reckon it is?

RAILROAD JOHN

Not sure, Lonesome.  But I don't like the looks of it.  

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

Well whoever it is, they'd best get out of the way.  We've got a wedding to get to.

RAILROAD JOHN

Now, now Granny.  

BAD BILL

(Off-stage)    RAILROAD JOHN!  RAILROAD JOHN!  COME DOWN OUTTA THAT TRAIN!!

RAILROAD JOHN

Uh-oh.  It looks like Bad Bill and his gang.

ALL PASSENGERS

(Murmurs of alarm as word ripples back from RAILROAD JOHN to CONDUCTOR to PASSENGERS -- all exclaiming in various states of bewilderment/fear)  IT'S BAD BILL!?? BAD BILL!??!

DANDY

(At end of the pack of passengers,  craning to see)  Now see here!  Just who is this. . . this Evil William?

COOT

(Incredulously)  Who?!?

DANDY

That fellow there. . . with the horse. . . 

COOT

That there ain't no Evil William!  That there is BAD BILL!

ALL, EXCEPT RAILROAD JOHN

IT'S BAD BILL !!!

COOT

(To FASTIDIA, referring to DANDY)  He ain't from around here. 

DANDY

Very well then -- Bad. . .  Bill.  But just who IS he?

BAD BILL

RAILROAD JOHN!

COOT

Why Bad Bill is the meanest, orneriest, vilest outlaw that ever scuffed up dust.

FASTIDIA

Oh the horror!  the horror! 

FARMELLA

Why he's so bad, he'd spit in yer eye and call it a dewdrop!  (Gasps all around)

COOT

He's so bad, he'd trade his own grandpappy for a chaw of terbacky! (Gasps) Then ask for change back! (More gasps)

DANDY

But, but the conductor said there . . . weren’t any outlaws anymore. . .

COOT

Well, I reckon you ought not to believe everything you hear, oughten you?

BAD BILL

RAILROAD JOHN!

(Through remainder of scene, DANDY is conspicuously more frightened and apprehensive than anyone else.)

FASTIDIA

Oh alas! Alas!  All is lost!  All. . . all is lost!!

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

(She's been sizing Bill up, is under-impressed, and getting slowly steamed.  As she speaks, we hear, off-stage, a great clunking of boots, jangling of spurs, as BAD BILL walks toward the Flyer)  He don't look so dat-burned bad to me. . .

(Enter BAD BILL, with GANG in tow.  BAD BILL  is all bad -- black hat and clothes, bandoliers and six-guns, heavy chaps, boots with heavy spurs, unshaven with handle-bar mustache, chawing terbacky -- and standing as little over 4 foot as possible --"diminutive" at best.)

BAD BILL

RAILROAD JOHN!! COME DOWN OUTTA THAT TRAIN!!

LONESOME BOB

What do you reckon he wants, Railroad?

RAILROAD JOHN

Well, I reckon I'd better find out.  (gulps hard, descends from train to confront Bill) 

BAD BILL

(Facing off with RAILROAD JOHN, in gunslinger stance)   Howdy, Railroad. . .

RAILROAD JOHN

(Not fearful, but respectfully deferential)  Howdy, B-Bad.

BAD BILL

Now Railroad, I don't mean you no harm.  But me and the boys have got ourselves a little. . . (BAD BILL/GANG histrionically spit, in unison). . . sit-yu-ation here. 

RAILROAD JOHN

Yes sir.

BAD BILL

A sit-yu-ation we could use a little. . .  (BAD BILL/GANG spitting in unison). . . help with.

RAILROAD JOHN

Is that right?

BAD BILL

That's right. Bring her in, boys.  (GANG goes off-stage, returns with FLAME -- a noble, but feeble and weakly-looking horse)  You know my horse Flame, don't you?

RAILROAD JOHN

(Tipping his hat FLAME-ward)  Well, I've never had the pleasure, but everyone's heard of Flame.

BAD BILL

(Up in RAILROAD JOHN’s face) That's right, Railroad!  And you know why everyone's heard of Flame, don't you? (Spit) Because Flame is the most famous horse of a-a-all time.  And you know why, don't you?

RAILROAD JOHN

Well, I have heard the stories. . . 

BAD BILL

And you've heard right!  (with pride, bravado)  Flame here is the last remaining gen-u-wine fire-breathing palomino of the Go-o-o-lden West.  (swaggering about, slowly coming to address himself to audience)  She's celebrated far and wide in legend and myth, story and song, and in the occasional stage play.  (All cast members strike a theatrical pose)  There ain't but one creature around these parts that's badder than Bad Bill. (affectionately) And that's my Flame here.  (with increasing affection) She's the meanest, vilest, orneriest horse that ever scuffed up dust!  Why, just one snort and Flame can stop a stagecoach dead in its tracks! (FLAME weakly whinnies)  Just one huff, and she can melt a bank vault!  Just one puff and she can send a whole posse full of lawmen hightailing it for cover! (more whinnies).  Yes sir, me and Flame have been together a long, long time.  Seems like me and her have been bad together forever. . . 

[SONG – BAD BILL]

Bad Bill (singing) I’ve always had a cold, cold heart without one

friend to name.

The only one who warms my soul is my old faithful Flame.

She stops the stage dead in its tracks.  I take the money box.

Then with just one single puff, she melts away the locks.

ALL (singing) Flame! Oh, Flame!

Bill My fierce and gallant steed.

ALL Flame! Oh, Flame!

Bill The only friend I need.

ALL He never cared for playing cards or games of

luck and chance.

He’ll never visit a saloon or take a girl to dance.

Bill I much prefer the company of one who’s

always true.

And that is why I choose my Flame above the

likes of you.

ALL (singing) Flame! Oh, Flame!

Bill My fierce and gallant steed.

ALL Flame! Oh, Flame!

Bill The only friend I need.

(During BAD BILL's song, RAILROAD JOHN  has pulled out his watch several times, looked at it restively.  GRANNY APPLE FRITTER and LONESOME BOB look on equally restively, with GRANNY getting more and more visibly agitated.)

RAILROAD JOHN

(As BAD BILL’s song is ending) Uh, Bad, sorry to interrupt, but you mentioned a little situation you needed some help with?

BAD BILL

That's right, Railroad. (Spit) And the sit-yuation is this:  My poor Flame here is plum out of vittles.  (stifles a sniffle)  She ain't eat in a week, and when Flame don't eat, she can't. . . she can't muster up no fire to breathe!  (more sniffles)  Show 'em Flame. . . (FLAME gives an exaggerated, dramatic, fierce-looking wind-up, only to cough out a sad puff of thin smoke.  BAD BILL  pats her solicitously.)  Poor Flame needs her some fresh grub -- something to put the fire back in her belly.

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

(Aside)  I know just what you need, you little varmint. . . 

RAILROAD JOHN

(To Granny) GRANNY!  (Back to Bad Bill) Well, gosh, Bad, we'd sure like to help you out, but we're not carrying any horse vittles on this train -- no oats or corn or hay, or anything like that.  This here is just a passenger train.  All we're carrying is passengers.  

BAD BILL

(Swaggering up, in RAILROAD JOHN's face)  I been telling you that Flame ain't no ordinary horse!  And she don't eat no ordinary vittles!  Flame eats fire-stokin' vittles!  And as a matter of fact, you do happen to be carrying some of them kind of vittles! 

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

(Aside)  I got some vittles for you -- how about a knuckle sandwich, you little . . . 

RAILROAD JOHN

(As it begins to dawn on him what BAD BILL is after)  Now. . . now see here Bad. . . you're not thinking what I think you're thinking. . . are you?

BAD BILL

(Again, in RAILROAD JOHN's face)  As a matter of fact, I think I'm thinking exactly what I think you think I'm thinking. . . (to GANG)  Boys!  (They produce three huge canvas bags.  Then, to RAILROAD JOHN)  We'll be obliged to relieve you of that coal you're carrying there.  That's exactly the kind of fire-stoking grub my Flame needs to get her back up to snuff.  (FLAME whinnies with anticipation.  To GANG)  Fill 'em up, boys!  (GANG gathers coal into three bags.) 

RAILROAD JOHN 

Well, now, uh, Bad, I can't rightly let you do that.  Uh. . . you know, I've got a schedule to keep here, and if you take our coal, then the Flyer won't have anything to stoke her fires with, and we won't have any way to go. . . 

BAD BILL

(Chuckling vilely)  Well, then, it looks like you got yourself a little. . . sit-yuation, then, don’t it? 

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

(Stepping forward to confront BAD BILL)    Why you little low-down, two-bit, horn-swoggling outlaw!  You can't do that to us!  We've got a wedding to get to!  My boy Lonesome Bob here is aiming to marry Wildcat Annie in Red Rock at 2:00 o'clock.

BAD BILL

(More evil laughter)  Well that's just too rootin’-tootin’ bad, ain't it Granny?  (swaggering up to GRANNY APPLE FRITTER)  But, you, see, I ain't skeered of you! or Lonesome Bob!  And I shore ain't skeered of no Wildcat. . . (BAD BILL and GANG all spit). . . Annie!  (to GANG)  Come on boys!  Let's load up!  (GANG exits, carrying two bags of coal. BAD BILL loads third bag onto FLAME.  Sounds offstage of horses whinnying, tack rattling and squeaking as GANG loads coal-bags onto their own horses).  

GRANNY APPLE FRITTER

Why that little egg-suckin', coal-thievin' no-account!  He can't get away with this!  (To RAILROAD JOHN, LONESOME BOB, and, by extension, to CONDUCTOR, COOT and DANDY)  Come on, boys!  Let's get 'em!  (She makes a move toward BAD BILL, but there's no uptake behind her.  She tries again)  I said come on, boys!  After 'em!!!  (still no uptake -- then, dismissively)  Ach!  Menfolk!  (deciding to take matters into her own hands, she rolls up her sleeves)  Then let me at the little galoot!  Why, I'll give him a shellacking he won't forget!  I'll beat all the ugly off of him!  I'll jerk a knot in his hindquarters!  Let me at 'im!  LET ME AT 'IM!!!

RAILROAD JOHN

(Restraining her)  Now, Granny -- remember your blood pressure. . . (She resists, but finally demurs.) 

BAD BILL

(Mounted and ready to go, with one last evil laugh)  See you around, Railroad John!  Come on boys!  Let's vamoose!   

(Exits.  RAILROAD JOHN, ET AL. watch him disappear, then sadly, slowly return to places on train.)

CONDUCTOR

(Last in line to board train, addresses audience)  Well, folks, this was a real vexation.  Bad Bill and his gang had taken every last pebble of coal we had.  So there we sat, smack-dab in the middle of Badlands Territory, with the Sagebrush Flyer chugging out her last few chugs, and us with nary a way to go forwards or backwards. . . 

(He boards train.  RAILROAD JOHN, CONDUCTOR, COOT and DANDY have gathered around train's open firebox.)

(CONDUCTOR is on his knees, blowing into firebox, fanning it with his hat.  RAILROAD JOHN and COOT stand on opposite sides of him.)

COOT

(Thumbs hooked in suspenders)  Well, what do you reckon we do now, Railroad?

RAILROAD JOHN

Well, I'm not really sure.  But I know time's a-wasting. . . 

COOT

I reckon we might could dig up some more coal hereabouts . . . ?

RAILROAD JOHN

Well, have you got a pick-ax?  

COOT

No, no, can't say as I do. . . (reflective pause)  I reckon we might could cut down some of these trees hereabouts, and chop them up for firewood. . . ?

RAILROAD JOHN

Well, have you got a saw?

COOT

No, no, can't say as I do. . . (another reflective pause)  I reckon we might could just throw some gasoline in there and put a match to it -- that'd make a fire, by crackies!

RAILROAD JOHN

Now, has gasoline even been invented yet!

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