Hard Biscuits

A comedy in two acts

by 

Bill Gasper

Hard Biscuits

Copyright 2006

by 

Bill Gasper

All Rights Reserved

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Cast of Characters

CAST OF CHARACTERS

7M, 12W

Mindy Student at Eleanor Brisbee Preparatory School for Girls (94)

Melissa Another (75)

Jennifer Another (82)

Kim Another (26)

Amy Another (25)

Michelle Another (22)

Kari Another (36)

Liz Another (16)

Heather Another (17)

Freda Cook (17)

Sonny Small time hood (39)

Louie His partner (33)

Eleanor Brisbee Head mistress (87)

William A. Parker Chairman of Parker Enterprises (45)

Amanda Parker William’s daughter, new student (44)

Harry Brisbee’s nephew (47)

Larry Brisbee’s nephew (34)

Danny Student at Belmont Prep (33)

Goof Student at Belmont Prep (18)

Synopsis of Scenes

TIME:  The present

PLACE:  The activity room of the Eleanor Brisbee Preparatory School for Girls

ACT ONE

Scene One: Activity room. Thursday morning.

Scene Two:  Activity Room. An hour later.

Scene Three:  Activity room. The next day, Friday morning.

ACT TWO

Scene One:  Activity room. Friday afternoon.

Scene Two:  Activity room. Three hours later.

HARD BISCUITS

ACT ONE

Scene 1

SETTING:  Thursday morning. The activity room at Brisbee’s Preparatory School for Girls. UPSTAGE is large entry that leads into the room from a hallway that runs both left and right. Characters who enter or exit upstage can walk down the hallway in both directions, indicated by UPSTAGE RIGHT or UPSTAGE LEFT. Inside the room and located DOWNSTAGE of the UPSTAGE ENTRY is a couch, coffee table, end table and lamps. Behind the couch are bookcases or other stage decorations. DOWNSTAGE RIGHT of the couch is an entry that leads to the dormitory. UPSTAGE LEFT is a grouping of comfortable chairs, end tables, lamps and television. More bookcases line the UPSTAGE LEFT wall. DOWNSTAGE LEFT of the chairs is an entry that leads to the kitchen and presumably others areas of the school.

AT RISE: MELISSA, your stereotypical bookworm, is seated on the couch reading. She wears loose fitting pants and a sweatshirt that is too big. She wears horn-rimmed style glasses. Her hair is neat but not styled, and she wears no make-up. Her attempts at looking very plain are succeeding. The silence is suddenly broken as we hear an obviously upset BRISBEE OFF LEFT.

BRISBEE:  MINDY PATTERSON!! GET BACK HERE!! (The words are barely spoken when MINDY, another student, comes scurrying in LEFT looking around for a hiding place. MINDY is somewhat of a tomboy and is the mischievous student of the school as she is usually in hot water because of something she did or said to the head mistress.)

MELISSA: (Curious) Mindy?

MINDY:  (Finger to lips)  Shhhhh….

MELISSA:  (Still curious) What’s going…

MINDY:  SHHHHHH!……

BRISBEE:  (Still OFF LEFT but closer) MINDY!!

MINDY:  You never saw me. (She dives over and behind the couch)

MELISSA:  But…(she’s interrupted by the appearance of the proprietor of the school ELEANOR BRISBEE LEFT. A stern woman, she is dressed in business attire.)

BRISBEE:  (As she storms in, she notices MELISSA on the couch and barks her name.) Melissa!

MELISSA:  Yes ma’am?

BRISBEE:  Have you seen Mindy?

MELISSA:  Uhhh….

BRISBEE: (Angry) Doesn’t matter. She can’t hide forever. (Looks at her watch) I don’t have time for this nonsense now. I have a meeting.

MELISSA:  Yes ma’am. (BRISBEE briskly walks to the UPSTAGE exit where she collides into JENNIFER, another student, who is coming from UPSTAGE LEFT. JENNIFER is the exact opposite of Melissa in appearance as she is very attractive and wears the latest fashions.)

BRISBEE: Why can’t you watch where you’re going?

JENNIFER:  Sorry Miss Brisbee. (BRISBEE storms off UPSTAGE LEFT. JENNIFER moves RIGHT towards MELISSA. ) Wow…what got into Brisbee? (MELISSA doesn’t say a word as she simply uses her thumb to indicate behind the couch.) Books? She’s mad about the books? (Just then MINDY comes to her knees and raises her head above the couch upon which she rests her arms. Seeing Mindy makes JENNIFER realize why Brisbee was so angry). Ohhh…Mindy.

MINDY:  (Stands and walks around the right side of the couch. Slightly indignant.) What’s that supposed to mean, Jennifer? Why is it when Brisbee’s on the warpath, everybody think it’s because of me?

MELISSA:  (Matter of factly) Because it is.

JENNIFER: What lit her fuse this time?

MINDY:  (As she flops on the couch) Nothing really. Brisbee was on her way to the cafeteria when I stopped her to make a couple of comments about our new cook and that inside-out road kill she fed us for breakfast.

JENNIFER:  Mindy, you didn’t!

MINDY:  Actually, she handled that pretty well. She really got mad when she turned the corner and saw what I did to the menu board.

MELISSA:  Oh no…what’d you do?

MINDY:  (Amused.) Kind of cool really. I erased everything and wrote Roadkill Café at the top and then I listed a few entrees…you know…rack of raccoon….road toad…pavement possum…flat cat…chunk of skunk. Anyway, that’s when she came after me.

JENNIFER:  What’s the big deal? She could have just erased it.

MINDY:  Not really. I did it in permanent marker. 

MELISSA: Well, for what it’s worth, I agree with you, Mindy. Breakfast was pretty disgusting.

JENNIFER:  Uhh…can we talk about something else…like Saturday night.

MELISSA:  What’s Saturday night?

JENNIFER:  The spring dance, you stooge.

MELISSA: Oh yeah that’s right.

JENNIFER:  You guys have dates?

MINDY:  No, but I don’t think Brisbee’s going to let me go anyway.

JENNIFER:  Too bad.

MINDY:  No sense crying over spilt milk. Speaking of which, I’m gonna go down to the kitchen and check the expiration on that stuff we had for breakfast. It tasted a little sour to me.

MELISSA:  Just can’t give it up can you?

MINDY:  You know me. See you guys. (EXITS LEFT)

JENNIFER:  Well?

MELISSA:  Well what?

JENNIFER:  Dance? Date?

MELISSA: (Gets Up From Couch) Get real Jennifer. I don’t have time for boys and I don’t have time to talk it about it right now. I have to get to class and so do you. (Walks toward EXIT LEFT.)

JENNIFER:  (Following) But what if I fixed you up?

MELISSA:  Forget it.  (BOTH GIRLS EXIT.)

A beat later BRISBEE and WILLIAM PARKER ENTER UPSTAGE LEFT. WILLIAM is dressed in a tailored suit.)

BRISBEE:  And here we have our activity room. This is where the girls spend a lot of time when they’re not in class. 

WILLIAM:  I like what I see here, Miss Brisbee.

BRISBEE:  Why thank you, Mr. Parker. It’s gratifying to hear that from a man of your stature.

WILLIAM:  I especially like the fact that the school is very secluded and not very well known.

BRISBEE:  (Defensive.) It’s not that we don’t have high standards. We just don’t have the money to advertise the school to a broader market. We have to rely on word of mouth.

WILLIAM:  Don’t misunderstand me, Miss Brisbee. The fact that the school is not well known is precisely why I’m here.

BRISBEE:  I don’t understand.

WILLIAM:  Let me be candid. As you probably know, my father and wife recently died in a car accident.

BRISBEE:  I did read that. I’m sorry for your loss.

WILLIAM:  I appreciate that. As a result of my father’s death, I am now the sole heir to the Parker family fortune. Being wealthy obviously provides me with many advantages, but unfortunately, wealth also brings with it a number of problems, the most disturbing of which is the safety of my teenage daughter. Before my father’s death, nobody really paid much attention to me. But now it seems I’m the target for every crackpot in the country, and I’m convinced that my daughter is being targeted for kidnapping.

BRISBEE:  That’s terrible.

WILLIAM:  Thank you for your concern. The problem is I need to leave the country for a few months on a business venture. In the meantime, I want to place my daughter in an obscure location that very few people know about.

BRISBEE:  When do you leave?

WILLIAM:  In a few days. But I want to enroll my daughter tomorrow.

BRISBEE:  Tomorrow? That is very sudden. There are many preparations that need to take place.

WILLIAM:  (Pulls out a check.) Will $10,000 help you facilitate those preparations?

BRISBEE:  Well...I...

WILLIAM:  Let’s cut to the chase Brisbee. I know that you and the school are currently having financial difficulties. I can assure you those problems will be solved if my daughter is cared for accordingly.

BRISBEE:  That is most generous of you Mr. Parker. I accept.

WILLIAM:  Wonderful. I’ll bring my daughter tomorrow morning. We’ll enroll her as Amanda Williamson. It’s important that nobody knows her true identity.

BRISBEE:  How does your daughter feel about this?

WILLIAM:  She supports this decision 100 percent. She won’t cause any problems.

BRISBEE:  Okay then, I guess it’s settled. I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Let me walk you out. (They walk to the UPSTAGE ENTRANCE and stop.)

WILLIAM:  Remember, I trust you with my daughter’s well being. (Hands her the check.)

BRISBEE:  Don’t worry, Mr. Parker. She’ll be in good hands. (WILLIAM EXITS UPSTAGE LEFT as BRISBEE studies the check for a moment.) Ten thousand dollars...and plenty more where that came from. Hmmm...maybe this is the answer to my problems and my ticket out of this dump. (Pulls out cell phone and dials as she moves downstage.) Larry? This is Eleanor. (Pause.) How many Eleanors do you know Larry? (Pause.) That’s right. One. Very good Larry. Now listen. I need you and Harry to come up to the school for a few days. I have a job for you. (Pause.) I don’t care if tomorrow is your bowling night...I need you up here on the double. There’s lots of money to be made. (Pause.) I can’t discuss that on the phone. I’ll explain when you get here. (Pause.) Tomorrow at ten? That’ll be perfect. See you then. (Closes the phone or pushes a button to end the call.) What an idiot. (MINDY ENTERS LEFT. Stops abruptly when she sees BRISBEE, makes an about face and heads back toward the door.) Mindy!

MINDY:  (Turns to face BRISBEE. Knows she’s busted.) Yes ma’am.

BRISBEE:  Why aren’t you in class?

MINDY:  Well...uh....I...uh...

BRISBEE:  Doesn’t matter I guess. Go on and do what you were doing. (BRISBEE EXITS LEFT humming happily.)

MINDY:  (Watches her go.) That’s strange. I wonder what’s going on? 

ACT ONE

Scene 2

SETTING:  The activity room one hour later. MELISSA ENTERS LEFT with JENNIFER close behind. 

MELISSA:  I already told you I’m not interested.

JENNIFER:  But what else is there to do?

MELISSA:  Study. We have a big test in chemistry on Monday you know.

JENNIFER:  You need to get a life, Melissa.

MELISSA:  If you spent half as much time studying as you do chasing boys, you wouldn’t be so worried about what your parents are going say about your grades every semester.

JENNIFER: Forget them. If they cared so much about me, they wouldn’t have shipped me off to Brisbee’s Preparatory School for Girls. I swear this place is about as boring as watching the grass grow. 

MELISSA:  Well, it is supposed to be an institute of higher learning, free from external distractions so that students can become well versed in all subjects to better prepare them for college and beyond...or at least that’s what it says in the school’s marketing brochure.

JENNIFER:  You read the school’s marketing brochure? Unbelievable! I repeat...you need to get a life.

MELISSA:  I know, I know. Don’t remind me.

JENNIFER:  So why not go to the dance with me? Like I said, I can fix you up.

MELISSA:  No way. The last time somebody did that for me, I...well...never mind. Let’s just say it was a disaster.

JENNIFER: Come anyway. The dance’ll be loaded with guys. Maybe you’ll meet someone.

MELISSA:  I’ll think about it. I presume you have a date.

JENNIFER:  Yeah...Danny Armstrong is taking me. It’s our second date.

MELISSA:  Danny Armstrong!? Are you serious? He’s hot!

JENNIFER:  Geez Melissa, I’m surprised you noticed.

MELISSA: I may have my nose in a book most of the time, but I look around once in a while. So what’s this Danny like?

JENNIFER:  Well...he’s nice and everything. The only problem is he’s not the brightest Crayon in the box.

MELISSA:  So what are you telling me? You thinking about dumping him? 

JENNIFER:  Get serious. You said it yourself…he’s hot. (MINDY ENTERS LEFT.)

MINDY:  Hey guys, you’re not going to believe what just happened.

MELISSA: You can spare us the milk report, Mindy

MINDY:   Forget the milk. I ran into Brisbee a little while ago and she acted like nothing happened. She was even happy.

 MELISSA:  That is strange. I wonder what’s going on?

MINDY:  Can’t say for sure, but the secretary told me that Brisbee had a meeting with some dude earlier today. Has money too. Drove up in a Beemer.

MELISSA:  Maybe he’s going to make a donation to the school.

MINDY:  That’s a possibility. I know the school’s short on cash. I overheard Brisbee on the phone last week. She said if things don’t pick up soon, our class could be the last one to graduate from this place.

JENNIFER:  That’d be a shame. We’ve had a lot of good times the last four years.

MINDY:  Two of which I’ve spent in detention. (KIM and AMY ENTER RIGHT. Kim is wearing a softball glove and is throwing the ball into it as she enters. AMY also has a glove. Both are softball  enthusiasts.) Hey guys. 

AMY:  Hey everybody. What’s happenin’?

MINDY:  Not much. Getting ready for softball I see.

KIM:  Yep. I can’t wait to get started. We figure this could be our year, right Amy?

AMY:  (Enthusiastic.) Heck yeah! Maybe we’ll even win a game.

KIM:  You coming out Mindy?

MINDY:  I don’t think so, Kim. I figure quitting is the best thing I can do to help the team.

AMY:  That’s true…but we’ll still miss you.

MINDY:  Look on the bright side…coach probably won’t make you run as much this year.

KIM:  He doesn’t like you much, that’s for sure. I don’t think he’s ever going to forgive you for putting Super Glue in his shoes. (Chuckles at the memory.)

AMY:  (Also laughing.) Or that laxative in his water bottle.

KIM:  (Laughing harder) That was messy situation. (All laugh.)

JENNIFER:  I hate to break up this little fun fest, but without Mindy, are you going to have enough players?

MELISSA:  How about Michelle?

KIM: I don’t think so. 

MELISSA:  Why?

AMY:  I can give you two reasons. First, she doesn’t have any talent, and second, she doesn’t have any talent.

KIM:  And she’s not any good either.

JENNIFER: What’s wrong? Worried about your perfect record?

KIM:  Hey…that’s not funny. (MICHELLE JOGS IN FROM UPSTAGE LEFT. She’s wearing a sweat outfit.)

MICHELLE:  (Continues to jog in place.) What’s not funny?

JENNIFER:  Uh...nothing Michelle. What’re you up to?

MICHELLE:  I was just out jogging...getting in shape for softball.

KIM:  (Dismayed.) So you’re coming out this year?

MICHELLE:  Sure! Why wouldn’t I?

KIM:  Let me think about that and get back to you.

MICHELLE:  Huh?

MINDY: Never mind. It’s not that important.

AMY:  Maybe not to you…

JENNIFER:  (Interrupting) So Michelle...how far did you run?

MICHELLE:  I don’t know. I’ve been jogging for about 30 minutes.

AMY:  About a hundred yards then? (SHE and KIM snicker.)

MICHELLE:  (Stops jogging.) Ha ha. Very funny. You know I  saw the strangest thing when I was out jogging.

MINDY:  You ran past a window and saw your reflection?

MELISSA: Mindy!

MINDY:  Sorry...couldn’t resist.

MICHELLE:  Actually, I saw Brisbee walking around with some stranger.

MINDY:  That’s the guy I was talking about.

AMY:  Guy? What guy?

MINDY:  (Ignores Amy.) So what were they doing?

MICHELLE: Nothing really. They were just walking around the grounds, and every once in a while, Brisbee would point at something...like when she showed me and my parents around the first time we came here.

MELISSA:  If Mindy’s right, and the school is short on money, maybe Brisbee’s trying to sell the property.

JENNIFER:  That means we will be the last class to graduate.

KIM:  What!? That’s terrible. (KARI ENTERS RIGHT along with her two sidekicks, LIZ and HEATHER.)

KARI:  What’s terrible? Did you all wake up this morning and finally figure out that you’re a bunch of losers. (LIZ and HEATHER giggle.)

MINDY:  Well, well...if it isn’t Kari, Liz and Heather...better known as Special K and her two Fruit Loops.

KARI:  (Arrogant.) Don’t pay any mind to her girls. Abhorrent behavior is common in juvenile delinquents.

MINDY:  Do you guys do everything Miss Queenie tells you? Do you do tricks? Sit? (Beat) Rollover? (Beat) Speak!?

LIZ/HEATHER:  (Indignant. Bark out the word.) No!

MINDY:  Wow, they are well trained. 

KARI:  Come on girls. We have better things to do than spend time with these dorks. (KARI walks LEFT towards the door with LIZ and HEATHER following.)

MINDY:  And they even follow without a leash. Amazing. (KARI, LIZ and HEATHER stop briefly after the comment, but then proceed to EXIT LEFT.)

JENNIFER:  I think you really did it this time, Mindy. Kari and Brisbee are pretty tight.

MINDY:  Oh well, what’s another couple of weeks of detention?

(FREDA ENTERS UPSTAGE LEFT carrying a gunny sack.

She speaks with a German accent.)

FREDA: Good morning girls.

(The girls all say hello or good morning.)

MINDY:  What’d ya got in the bag Freda?

FREDA:  Dat vood be none of your business, young lady.

MINDY:  Been out on the highway looking for supper?

FREDA:  Vy you insolent little brat. Miss Brisbee vill hear about dis I can assure you. (SHE EXITS LEFT.) 

MINDY:  Make that four weeks of detention. (All nod their heads as the lights fade and the curtain closes.)

ACT ONE

Scene 3

SETTING:  The activity room the next day, Friday morning. MINDY, AMY and KIM ENTER LEFT. KIM is carrying a softball glove.

MINDY: I swear that Freda is trying to kill us. Who’s ever heard of chunky pancakes? What were those chunks anyway? (Sits in one of the UPSTAGE LEFT chairs.)

AMY:  I don’t know, but they were gross. (Also sits.)

KIM:  I can’t afford to skip any more meals. I have to keep up my strength for softball.

AMY:  How did she get hired here in the first place? 

MINDY:  Brisbee said it was a board decision, not hers.

KIM:  I sure miss Jolene. She wasn’t much of a cook, but compared to Freda, she was a gourmet chef. I wish she’d come back.

MINDY:  That’s not gonna happen. With the money she won in the lottery, she won’t have to work again.

AMY:  She won the lottery? I didn’t know that.

MINDY:  That’s what I heard. One day she’s driving a beat up old Chevy...the next day a brand new Cadillac. I wish I could be that lucky. (MICHELLE jogs in UPSTAGE LEFT.) Speaking of which, here’s the second luckiest person in the world.

MICHELLE: Why? What happened?

MINDY:  (Flatly.)You missed breakfast.

MICHELLE:  Huh?

KIM:  Never mind. Out jogging again I see.

MICHELLE:  I’m hoping it improves my stamina for softball.

AMY:  You won’t need much stamina to sit on the bench.

MICHELLE:  Oh yeah? You just wait and see!

AMY:  I’m just kidding, Michelle. We really need you out there.

MICHELLE:  (Incredulous.) Really?

AMY:  Yeah...if you don’t play, we don’t have enough to field a team.

KIM:  So we decided to work with you to help you get better. You want to go out and practice for a while? We still have 30 minutes before class.

MICHELLE:  Sure. Let’s go.

AMY:  You want to come, Mindy?

MINDY:  Nah. You guys go ahead. See you later. (KIM, AMY and MICHELLE EXIT UPSTAGE LEFT. MINDY proceeds toward the EXIT RIGHT as BRISBEE and AMANDA ENTER LEFT.)

BRISBEE:  Mindy.

MINDY:  (Stops.) And then’s there me. The unluckiest person in the world.

BRISBEE:  What was that, Mindy?

MINDY:  (Turns.) Nothing, Miss Brisbee.

BRISBEE:  I want to introduce you to Amanda Williamson. She just enrolled this morning. I want you to show her around and introduce her to everybody. Amanda, this is Mindy Wilkerson.

AMANDA:  Nice to meet you, Mindy.

MINDY:  The same.

BRISBEE:  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to attend to some business. Amanda, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to come see me. And Mindy, try to behave yourself. We don’t want our new student getting off on the wrong foot, do we?

MINDY:  Whatever you say, Miss Brisbee.

BRISBEE:  Until later then.

AMANDA:  Thank you, Miss Brisbee. (BRISBEE EXITS LEFT. AMANDA waits until Eleanor is gone.) Thank goodness.

MINDY:  Excuse me?

AMANDA:  Oh nothing. I just don’t know if I could’ve spent another minute with her. She went on and on about this school and its excellent reputation.

MINDY:  She gave you the complete rundown, huh?

AMANDA:  Every excruciating detail.

MINDY:  I feel for you.

AMANDA:  And the rules! The code of conduct must weigh 10 pounds.

MINDY:  Nine and a half.

AMANDA:  I take it you know the rules pretty well.

MINDY: Let’s put it this way. I’ve broken about nine pounds of ‘em.

AMANDA:  So that’s what she meant when she said to behave yourself?

MINDY: Yeah...me and Brisbee have spent a lot of time together...in detention.

AMANDA:  You know what they say about rules...they’re meant to be broken. You’re just doing what you’re supposed to do, right?

MINDY: I can see we’re going to get along very well, Amanda. C’mon, I’ll show you around. (KARI, LIZ and HEATHER ENTER RIGHT. MINDY sarcastic.) Well, well...here are three of our most popular students right now. Girls, this is Amanda Williamson. She just enrolled this morning. Amanda, this is Kari, Liz and Heather.

AMANDA:  Nice to meet you.

KARI:  (Snobbish.) Williamson? That’s not a name I’m familiar with. Have you ever heard of it ladies?

LIZ:  Not hardly.

HEATHER:  Ditto.

KARI:  What does your family do?

AMANDA:  Uh...not much really. My dad is a foreman at a large factory. And my mother...

KARI:  Cooks and cleans, I’m sure.

AMANDA:  I was going to say she recently passed away.

KARI:  Oh.

MINDY:  Smooth move, Kari. You put your foot in your big mouth again.

KARI:  I’m sorry for your loss, Amanda, but the fact remains that you’re a nobody. A middle class nobody.

LIZ:  Loser.

HEATHER:  Ditto.

AMANDA:  I’m sorry you feel that way.

KARI:  You and Mindy should get along very well. She too is from a family that is not well known...except to local law enforcement. (LIZ and HEATHER giggle.) How she got accepted into this school is beyond me.

MINDY:  (Angry.) Kari, just because your family has piles of money doesn’t make you better than anybody else. I’ll have you know I worked hard to get into this school. I deserve to be here as much as you or any of your other snobby friends.

LIZ:  My my...she has quite the temper.

HEATHER:  Quite. I now see what you mean about delinquent behavior, Kari.

MINDY:  What would you know, Heather? You can’t even blow your nose without Miss Queenie’s permission.

AMANDA:  Mindy, it doesn’t matter. Forget about them.

KARI:  Yes...do forget about us. We will certainly forgot about you after Brisbee kicks you out of this place.

LIZ:  Goodbye.

HEATHER:  And good riddance.

KARI:  So long Mindy. And Amanda, I can’t say it was a pleasure meeting you. 

AMANDA:  Ditto. (MINDY snickers as KARI, LIZ and HEATHER EXIT LEFT.)

MINDY:  That Kari’s a real piece of work. She thinks she’s special because her dad invented Pop Tarts.

AMANDA:  Not all rich people act like she does, Mindy.

MINDY:  Maybe not, but...

AMANDA:  (Interrupting.) I didn’t catch her last name.

MINDY:  Wilcox. Kari Wilcox.

AMANDA:  Wilcox huh? Would her father be the chairman of Wilcox Industries?

MINDY:  That’s her.

AMANDA:  Hmmm....if I recall, Wilcox Industries derives the majority of its revenue from Parker Enterprises.

MINDY:  So?

AMANDA:  Uh...never mind. So...you were going to show me around?

MINDY:  Sure. Let’s go. (THEY EXIT RIGHT as SONNY and LOUIE ENTER UPSTAGE LEFT. SONNY and LOUIE are a couple of small time hoodlums. SONNY is dressed in an ill-fitting suit, while LOUIE is wearing a leather jacket, collared shirt and slacks.)

LOUIE:  (Walks into room looking around.) You sure this is the place, Sonny?

SONNY:  What’d ya take me for, Louie...an idiot? Sure I’m sure. Brisbee’s (mispronounces the word) Perpatory School for Girls. Didn’t ya see the sign?

LOUIE:  And who did you say we’re after?

SONNY:  Some broad named Brisbee.

LOUIE:  Brisbee? Brisbee who?

SONNY:  Brisbee’s her last name, you moron. Leo didn’t tell me her first name. Besides, how many Brisbees can there be?

LOUIE:  Uh yeah...good point. So...what’s this Brisbee broad into Leo for?

SONNY:  Twenty large. I guess she really likes the ponies...but the ponies don’t like her.

LOUIE:  Same old story. So...what’s Leo want us to do...rough her up a little bit? 

SONNY:  Nah...he just wants us to talk to her...send her a warning that Leo the loanshark don’t like people who don’t pay up.

LOUIE:  And what if she don’t pay?

SONNY:  I guess that’s up to Leo. Just don’t do nothing stupid. We can’t screw this up like we did the last time.

LOUIE:  Who’s we? I wasn’t even wid ya.

SONNY:  I know that, and you know that, but Leo don’t know that ‘cause I never told him.

LOUIE:  Thanks a lot Sonny.

SONNY:  Hey, we’re in this together, right? And besides I’ve covered your rear end a time or two.

LOUIE:  I guess you’re right, Sonny. Hold on...I hear someone comin’. (MINDY and AMANDA ENTER RIGHT. They are laughing.)

MINDY:  That’ll teach Kari to mess around with us. Where’d you come up with that idea, Amanda?

AMANDA:  I don’t know...it just popped into my head.

MINDY:  Kari’s gonna pop a cork when she finds out. I wish I could be there to see...(Trails off as she sees LOUIE and SONNY. Suspiciously.) Uh...who are you two?

LOUIE:  (Mean.) What’s it to ya, girlie? (SONNY slaps him on the back of the head.) Ow! What’d ya do that for?

SONNY:  Excuse my partner. He’s had a bad day. We’re here to see a Miss Brisbee. Have you seen her?

MINDY:  Maybe. Maybe not. Who’s asking?

LOUIE:  Now listen here, you little...(Another slap from SONNY.) Hey!

SONNY:  My name’s...uh...Sonny Smith and this is...uh...Louie Jones. We’re...uh...health inspectors.

LOUIE:  Yeah...we’ve come to check on the health of this Brisbee broad. (He laughs, which is abbreviated by another slap.) Ow!

SONNY:  My friend makes a joke. A stupid joke. (He laughs but his attempt is forced and sounds fake.) What my partner means to say is that we’re here to inspect the kitchen.

MINDY:  Wow. I can’t believe you’re here already. I only called you 30 minutes ago.

SONNY:  (Incredulous.)You did? (Recovers) Uh...yeah...you did. So can you help me find this...uh...Miss Brisbee? I didn’t catch her first name.

MINDY: I think you mean Freda, don’t you?

SONNY:  (Unsure.) Yeah...that’s it...Freda.

MINDY:  I’m sure she’s down in the kitchen. C’mon, I’ll take you there.

AMANDA:  Uh...Mindy...may I have a word please. (She pulls Mindy aside.) Are you sure about this? These guys don’t look like health inspectors.

MINDY:  Don’t worry, Amanda. Didn’t you hear me? I’m the one who called them. Somebody’s got to do something about Freda before she kills us.

AMANDA:  Well...I’m not convinced. They look kind of mean.

MINDY:  Hey...if you had to look at dirty kitchens all day, you’d look that way too. I’m telling you it’s...

SONNY:  (Interrupting.) Is there a problem?

MINDY:  No problem sir. Follow me. C’mon Amanda. (MINDY and AMANDA move LEFT. SONNY gives LOUIE the thumbs up sign as they follow the two girls out the door. BRISBEE, HARRY and LARRY ENTER UPSTAGE LEFT. HARRY and LARRY are Eleanor’s nephews and are dressed casually in bowling shirts and jeans.)

BRISBEE:  You guys got here early.

HARRY:  When there’s money to be made, we’re there. We like money.

LARRY:  So what’d ya got going, Eleanor?

BRISBEE:  There’s a new girl here enrolled as Amanda Williamson, but her real name is…(looks around conspiratorially) Amanda Parker. (She waits. Nothing registers with Harry and Larry. Says it more slowly.) I said...Amanda Parker.

HARRY:  Okay. So?

BRISBEE:  Her father is William Parker? Chairman of Parker Enterprises?

LARRY:  I got nothing. How ‘bout you Harry?

HARRY:  Not a thing, Larry.

BRISBEE: It’s one of the biggest conglomerates in the world.

HARRY:  Listen Eleanor, I didn’t drive all the way up here to play games.

BRISBEE:  One of the companies it owns is Tough Core.

LARRY:  You mean Tough Core bowling balls and pins?

BRISBEE:  That’s it.

HARRY:  (In awe.) Wow.

LARRY:  And you mean this girl’s dad runs the company?

BRISBEE:  You got it.

HARRY: This is great, Larry. Maybe she can get us a good deal on the Tough Core 2000.

LARRY:  (Reverent.) The bowling ball of all bowling balls.

HARRY:  It’s the best there is, no doubt about it.

LARRY:  It would help our game, that’s for sure.

HARRY:  With a ball like that, I could roll a 300.

BRISBEE:  Would you two numbskulls shut up? There’s a lot more at stake than a stupid bowling ball. 

(LARRY and HARRY gasp as if Brisbee has just committed blasphemy.)

LARRY:  Did she say stupid, Harry?

HARRY:  I do believe she did, Larry.

BRISBEE: (To herself.) What a couple of idiots. (To them.) Listen up boneheads. If all goes according to plan, you can own a hundred bowling balls.

HARRY:  (In awe.) One hundred...

LARRY:  …bowling balls? I always wanted to have a lot of balls.

HARRY:  (Now eager) Count us in. What’d we have to do?

BRISBEE:  Not much. All you have to do is nab the girl and hold her for a while.

LARRY:  Hold on a minute. That sounds a lot like kidnapping to me.

HARRY:  Yeah...Larry’s right. What’re you getting us into?

BRISBEE:  You’re not going to kidnap anybody. Her father told me that somebody else is planning to do that. All you’re going to do is take her to a safe place so that won’t happen. Her father will be so happy, he’ll pay us a big reward.

HARRY:  How much of a reward?

BRISBEE:  At least a million dollars.

LARRY:  A million...

HARRY:  …dollars?

BRISBEE:  Yeah...I figure we can get that much without any problem.

LARRY:  Sounds good to me. What’d you think, Harry?

HARRY:  I like it Larry. I like it a lot. Now Eleanor, you’re sure we ain’t gonna get in trouble?

BRISBEE:  Trouble!? You’ll be heroes! (HARRY and LARRY look at each other and agree by nodding their heads.)

HARRY:  Okay then...we’ll do it.

BRISBEE:  There is one more thing. You can’t let the girl know who you are and what you’re up to. You’ll have to dress up in a disguise so she won’t recognize you later. And she probably won’t want to go with you, but you have to make her go for her own protection.

LARRY:  Wait a minute...something sounds fishy.

BRISBEE:  Nothing’s fishy. I’ll explain everything later. Right now, I have some other matters I have to attend to. You two figure out something and let me know. In the meantime, stay out of sight. I’ll see you later. (SHE EXITS UPSTAGE.)

LARRY:  I still think something sounds fishy.

HARRY:  You heard Eleanor. She’ll explain later. Right now, we gotta think up a plan. (They both think a while.) Hey...I got an idea. 

LARRY:  What?

HARRY:  Not here. Let’s go back to town and I’ll fill you in. (THEY EXIT UPSTAGE LEFT. MELISSA and JENNIFER ENTER RIGHT.)

JENNIFER:  That new girl seems very nice.

MELISSA:  Yes she does...and she looks awfully familiar.

JENNIFER:  You mean you’ve seen her before?

MELISSA:  Yeah...but I don’t where. It doesn’t matter, I guess. Her and Mindy seem to get along really well. Maybe she’ll keep Mindy out of trouble.

JENNIFER:  That’ll be the day. (DANNY pokes his head around the UPSTAGE LEFT ENTRANCE. DANNY is a tall, muscular, athletic type dressed in casual attire.)

DANNY:  (In a whisper.) Psssst. Jennifer.

JENNIFER:  Danny!? What are you doing here?

DANNY:  (Enters.) I just wanted to see you again. Are we still on for the dance tomorrow night?

JENNIFER:  Sure Danny...but won’t you get in trouble for sneaking over here?

DANNY:  Nah. I figured I’d come over here between classes.

JENNIFER:  Danny, you only have ten minutes between classes and it’s at least a twenty minute drive over here.

DANNY:  (Unknowing.) It is?

JENNIFER:  Don’t you have a watch?

DANNY:  Nah. That’s why I brought Goof.

JENNIFER:  Goof?

DANNY:  Yeah, he’s my roommate. His real name is Theodore, but we call him Goof. (Looks around) He was right behind me. (Goes to the UPSTAGE ENTRANCE and calls LEFT.) Hey Goof, get in here. (GOOF ENTERS UPSTAGE LEFT. He is small when compared to Danny and dresses similarly to Melissa. He wears baggy pants and a large sweatshirt that identically matches what Melissa is wearing. He also wears the same style glasses as Melissa.)

GOOF:  Sorry Danny. I was reading the school’s marketing...(Trails off as he sees MELISSA)...brochure. (It is love at first sight as HIS and MELISSA’s eyes meet. They stare at each other.)

DANNY:  Geez Goof, we don’t have time for reading. This is my girlfriend, Jennifer.

JENNIFER:  And this is my best friend, Melissa.

DANNY:  Nice to meet ya, Melissa. (MELISSA, however, is not paying attention. She is enraptured with GOOF.)

MELISSA:  It’s nice to meet you. My name’s Melissa.

GOOF:  The pleasure is all mine. My name’s Theodore.

DANNY:  Didn’t we just say their names?

JENNIFER:  Quiet Danny.

MELISSA:  I can’t remember meeting a more handsome man.

GOOF:  “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.”

DANNY:  What’d he just say?

MELISSA:  (Dreamily.) It’s Shakespeare.

DANNY:  She don’t remember names too good, does she?

JENNIFER:  (Correcting.) No Danny...he was quoting Shakespeare.

DANNY:  Huh?

GOOF: Perhaps you would accompany me to the spring dance.

MELISSA:  I’d be honored.

JENNIFER:  I hate to break this up, but nobody’s going to go to any dance, thanks to Danny.

DANNY:  What’d I do?

JENNIFER: Duh! You’re missing class as we speak. When you go back, you’re going to be placed in detention.

DANNY:  Uh oh!

GOOF:  Thanks a lot Danny.

MELISSA:  (Distraught.) You mean that you...and I...won’t be able to attend the dance?

JENNIFER:  Not if I can help it. How about you two just stay here until tomorrow?

ALL:  What!?

JENNIFER:  Just listen. If you two go back, you’ll get in trouble. What difference is there if you don’t show up until Saturday night after the dance? You’ll probably get in the same amount of hot water.

MELISSA:  But...

JENNIFER:  They can stay in one of the empty rooms. Nobody will be the wiser.

GOOF:  What if somebody sees us?

JENNIFER:  Don’t worry. I got an idea.

MELISSA:  Uh oh. I can’t wait to hear this.

GOOF:  What do you say Danny?

DANNY:  Fine with me.

JENNIFER:  Well Melissa?

MELISSA:  Sure. Why not? You’re always telling me I need to get a life. It might as well start here.

JENNIFER:  Now you’re talking. C’mon...let’s head back to the rooms. (THEY EXIT RIGHT. BRISBEE ENTERS UPSTAGE LEFT. Her cell phone rings.)

BRISBEE:  This is Eleanor Brisbee. (Pause.) Oh hello, Dr. Bastion. How are things at Belmont Prep? (Pause.) Good. Glad to hear it. What can I do for you? (Pause.) Boys? Here? You know me better than that professor. (Pause.) Yes...if I see them, I’ll give you a call. (Pause.) You’re very welcome. Goodbye. (She pushes the end button on her cell phone.) Boys at Brisbee’s Preparatory School? As if I don’t have enough problems. (FREDA ENTERS LEFT.)

FREDA:  Miss Brisbee. I need a verd vith you, please.

BRISBEE:  What is it Freda? I’m very busy.

FREDA:  Vat is da meaning of calling da health inspectors to check up on me?

BRISBEE:  Health inspectors? Whatever are you talking about? (Something dawns on her as if she realizes what is going on.) Oh I get it...health inspectors. Yes. What about them?

FREDA:  Vell...they vere very threatening. They told me I had to pay up or else. (Makes a slashing motion across her throat.)

BRISBEE:  You must be joking.

FREDA:  I make no joke, Miss Brisbee. I run a very clean kitchen. I vill not pay money to any health inspector for a good report. No sireee.

BRISBEE:  So what did you do?

FREDA:  Vat could I do? I pulled out my clever...ya know the von I chop chicken head off vith...and told dem to leaf...or else. So...vhat are you going to do about it?

BRISBEE:  Don’t vorry...I mean...don’t worry Freda, I’ll look into it.

FREDA:  Yah. You better. Or maybe, ve have health inspector stew tomorrow night, yah? (FREDA EXITS LEFT.)

BRISBEE:  Harry and Larry. Those idiots. As if a million dollars isn’t enough, they have to go hold up the cook. Wait until I get my hands on them. (SHE EXITS RIGHT. SONNY and LOUIE peak around the UPSTAGE LEFT ENTRANCE.)

LOUIE:  Nobody here.

SONNY:  That’s a relief. That Brisbee dame is crazy. No wonder Leo sent us.

LOUIE:  Well...I ain’t gonna tangle with nobody with a meat cleaver. We better go back and tell Leo.

SONNY:  Are you nuts? If we tell Leo we struck out, he’ll put us out of business...permanently.

LOUIE:  What’re we gonna do, Sonny?

SONNY:  I don’t know...we’ll think of something. Let’s go get something to eat and work out a plan. (THEY EXIT UPSTAGE LEFT as the lights dim and curtains close.

End of Act I

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