Reverse Psychology

or

Beasty Girl

A two act comedy

By

Deborah A. Hodge

Reverse Psychology

 Copyright 2015

by Deborah Hodge

All Rights Reserved

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Cast  

Kelsey Houston is a graduate assistant in her early twenties. She is very intelligent and attractive. She is earning her Masters degree in psychology. She dislikes her co-assistant Trey Renfro very much.

Trey Renfro (is usually referred to as Renfro throughout the play) is a graduate assistant in his early twenties. He is very handsome. He is earning his Masters degree in psychology as well. He baits Kelsey constantly with insults and snide remarks.

Professor Conway is Kelsey and Renfro’s cooperating professor. Professor Conway is very displeased with the way Kelsey and Renfro treat each other. With the help of a colleague, the professor devises a plan to teach them a lesson. (A male or female can portray Professor Conway’s character.)

Natalie is Kelsey’s roommate and is roughly the same age as Kelsey.

Corey is Renfro’s roommate and is roughly the same age as Renfro.

Steve Arkell is Renfro’s dysfunctional project. With a very nasal voice, he appears to be the nerd of all nerds. In actuality, he is a graduate student in psychology who is helping Professor Conway teach Renfro and Kelsey a lesson.

Tabitha Sandoval is Kelsey’s dysfunctional project. Will black hair, clothes, makeup and all of the accessories, she appears to be “scary” Goth. In actuality, she is a graduate student in psychology who is helping Professor Conway teach Renfro and Kelsey a lesson.

Austin is Kelsey’s boyfriend in Act I Scene 1. He is handsome and compliant.

Livie Johnson is a college student who has a crush on Renfro.

Guests at the Parties-Bit Parts/ Walk on Parts

Cole and Clay are college students looking for a date during the 1st party and no lines during the second party.

Jackie, Cori, Megan, Precious, Kate, Megan, Tia, Kim, Alyssa, Kristen, Jessica are college students who have a crush on Renfro. Each has one or more lines during the 1st party and no lines during the second party.

Tim, Eric, Adam, Von are guests at the parties. No lines.

  Act I Scene 1

Setting: The scene begins at Professor Conway’s House where he/she is giving a reception for a distinguished colleague who is visiting the campus. Among the guesses are professors, students, and graduate assistants from the university. As the scene begins, guests are mingling. A group of girls, including Natalie, is conversing with two male students as Trey Renfro; a young male graduate assistant enters. The girls exhibit great interest and excitement as he enters. Standing next to the girls is Kelsey Houston, also a graduate assistant, accompanied by her boyfriend, Austin. Kelsey has an intense dislike for Renfro. She observes with disgust as the girls drool over Renfro.

Cole: (to Hannah) How about going out with me Saturday night?

Clay: (to Cori) How about we make it a double date?

(Before Hannah can answer, Renfro enters.) 

Hannah: (excited) Oohhhh! 

Kristen: (turns head to see the cause of Hannah’s reaction) Is he here?

Hannah: (taking a deep breath as she nods) He’s here.

Natalie: (with great curiosity) Who’s here?

Cori: (with great admiration) Mr. Dreamy.

(Cole and Clay roll their eyes and shake their heads in frustration.)

Natalie: Mr. Who?

Megan: Mr. Renfro, our psychology teacher.

Natalie: So that’s Renfro. (The girls nod with a collective sigh.)

Jessica: Yep. (punctuated with a sigh as she continues to speak) Isn’t he…

Precious: (finishing Jessica’s statement) dreamy?

Chelsea: Super dreamy.

Tia: (in a trance like state) Um Huh.

Kim: (pulls out a mirror) How do I look? 

Alyssa: Good

 Kate: (boasting) Not as good as me. (Preening) Nobody looks as good as I do.

 Hannah: Now wait a minute!

(The other girls are about to challenge her statement when Cole interrupts.)

Cole:  You girls need to get a grip.

Livie: Let’s go talk to him before someone else gets him. (The girls nod and migrate toward Renfro. He greets them warmly.)

Renfro: (smiling broadly) Hello Ladies. You all look lovely tonight. (Each girl reacts as if he was speaking only to her. Cole, Clay and Kelsey are disgusted by what they hear and see.)

Cole: (extremely frustrated) I just don’t get it. What does he have that we don’t have?

Clay: (echoing Cole’s frustration) Girls! Lots of girls

(Cole nods as the scene shifts to Kelsey and Austin.)

Kelsey (to Austin): Would you look at Renfro? (Austin has been talking to another male guest while Kelsey has been watching the girls and Renfro.)

Austin: (shifting his attention to Kelsey) What’s going on?

Kelsey: (shaking her head) He’s such a jock, has to be the center of attention wherever he goes.

Austin: Is he the guy you’ve been telling me about, the one who’s been bothering you?

Kelsey: (with abject scorn) Oh, he doesn’t bother me.

Austin: No, you sure spend a lot of time talking about him if he doesn’t bother you.

Kelsey: He just gets under my skin the way he acts.

Austin: Yeah, I know. I’ve heard it enough. “Renfro is such an arrogant know- it- all.”

Kelsey: Well, he is.

Austin: Now you say, “he’s such a jock.”

Kelsey: Well, he is.

Austin: I’m a jock too sweetie.

Kelsey: (exhibits an ascending irritation as she speaks) Yeah, but not like him. You don’t act all know it all or have to be the center of attention or hurl snide remarks at me every time you get a chance.

Austin: (charmingly as he takes her hand) The only thing that I know for sure is that I want to be the center of your attention. 

(Kelsey smiles, but laughter erupting from Renfro’s gaggle of girls spoils the moment. Kelsey huffs with irritation as she looks in Renfro’s direction. He looks in her direction just as she looks in his. He realizes that she is angry. He loves it. He lifts his glass as if to toast her. She turns away.)

Kelsey: (visibly angry) He makes me so mad! I think he did that on purpose just to spoil our moment.

Austin: (trying to calm her down) Aren’t you being just a little paranoid? (His question had the opposite effect from what he intended.)

Kelsey: (jerked her hand out of his) Paranoid. I’m not being paranoid. I have to work with that jerk every day. I can assure you that I’m not being paranoid.

Austin: (eyes popped wide) Okay! Okay! I’m sorry. I didn’t understand.

Kelsey: (still upset) You sure didn’t. Whose side are you on anyway? I’ve told you about him every day this semester. Did you think I was exaggerating?

Austin: (sticking his foot in his mouth) No, I just didn’t realize he made you this crazy.

Kelsey: (with folded arms and eyes popping with anger) So, now you think I’m crazy.

Austin: (at a loss) No, No I don’t think you’re crazy. I… (searching for the right words) I think he’s crazy and a jerk. (Seeing that he’s on the right track) And, I think, I ought to give him a piece of my mind.

Kelsey: (arms still folded, glancing in Renfro’s direction, her anger is diverted to him) Yeah, you should. 

Austin: (happy that he’s regained his place with her) Yeah, I should.

Kelsey: (gaze still locked on Renfro and the girls) Yeah, you should. 

Austin: (trying to seal his place in her affections) You know I’ll do anything for you sweetie.

Kelsey: (still locked on to Renfro) You would.

Austin: I would. 

Kelsey: (turning her attention to Austin) Why don’t you march on over there and tell Renfro to leave me alone.

Austin: (eyes popped wide) But!

Kelsey: But, what? You said that you’d do anything for me.

Austin: Yeah, but!

Kelsey: But what? Didn’t you mean it?

Austin: (seeing no way out, reluctantly answers) Ye..ah. I meant it.

Kelsey:  (pointing to Renfro) So, march right over there and give him a piece of you mind.

Austin: (looking in Renfro’s direction and swallowing hard) What do you want me to say?

Kelsey: Tell him to leave me alone. 

Austin: (rehearsing) Leave you alone.

Kelsey: Tell him to stop calling me “Little Miss Prom Queen”.

Austin: (rehearsing) Little Miss Prom Queen.

Kelsey: Tell him to stop making fun of me.

Austin:  (rehearsing) Stop making fun. (Kelsey pauses.) Is that it?

Kelsey: (thinking) I think so.

Austin: (rehearses) Leave you alone. No more Little Miss Prom Queen. No more making fun.  Are you sure that’s all.

Kelsey: Yeah, now go tell him. (Kelsey drags Austin toward Renfro. Almost there, Austin turns to retreat, as Renfro sees them. Kelsey grabs his arm and forces him back toward their destination. Renfro speaks first.)

Renfro: Well if it isn’t (enunciates every word) Little Miss Prom Queen. 

Kelsey: (angry) Don’t call me that!

Renfro: Weren’t you queen of your prom?

Kelsey: Yes, but

Renfro: So why shouldn’t I call you that?

Kelsey: Because you say it like it’s something awful, anyway that was a long time ago.

Renfro: (snidely) Trust me I can tell it was a long time ago. (The girls surrounding Renfro are very amused by the verbal sparring.)

Kelsey: There you go trying to be funny with one of your snide remarks.

Renfro: I was just stating the obvious. (The girls snicker)

Kelsey: Well, I have someone who wants to state the obvious with you. (Kelsey pulls Austin forward. He is obviously reluctant to confront Renfro.)

Renfro: (laughing) You’re right it is obvious that your friend can’t find any words to refute what I’ve said because it’s the truth.

Kelsey: (Urging him on) Austin don’t just stand there say something. (Austin looks at her and then Renfro., but is still silent.) Austin tell him what you came here to tell him.

Austin: (Spitting it out in spurts.) Don’t…call…her Little Miss Prom Queen.

Renfro: (smirking) Boy do I fill sorry for you brother.

Austin: Huh?

Renfro: Don’t worry after tonight I have a new name for her. I’m going to call her Cruella

Kelsey: (to Austin) Are you going to let him talk to me that way?

Austin: Of course not. (forcefully to Renfro) Don’t call my girlfriend Cruella.

Renfro: Okay, I’ll call her Beasty Girl

Kelsey: (adamantly) You will not call me Beasty Girl.

Renfro: I’ll call you anything I want to.

Austin: (adamantly) You will not call her Beasty Girl.

Renfro: (smirking) Brother, you need to cut yourself loose from this bossy chick. I could introduce you to one of these nice girls.

Austin: (with an expression of confusion) Huh? Don’t change the subject.

Renfro: (smirking) It’s obvious she’s got you whipped. Don’t you want to be man and stand on your own two feet?

Kelsey: (very angry) You can’t talk to him like that. Show him

 whose boss Austin!

Renfro: Yeah, show me whose boss Austin. Be a man and dump Beasty Girl.

Austin: (lets out a fretful huff) But I like Beasty Girl.

Kelsey: Austin!

Austin: (to Kelsey) You know what I mean.

Renfro: Yeah, we all know what you mean. You like being bossed around by Beasty Girl.

Kelsey: No he doesn’t. I don’t do that! (demandingly) Tell him Austin. I don’t do that.

Austin: (Compliantly) She doesn’t do that. 

Renfro: (sarcastically) Noooo, she doesn’t do that. (All the girls laugh. Kelsey is furious.)

Kelsey: (Yells in frustration) Do something Austin!

Austin: Uh sure. Look you!

Renfro: (correcting him) Renfro

Austin: Huh?

Renfro: (pointing to himself as he corrects Austin) My name is Renfro. You should have said, Look Renfro! Now would you like to begin again?

Kelsey: (irate and motioning to Austin) See that’s what I have to put up every day.

Austin: (upset) Look you.

Renfro: (shakes his head and points to himself again) Uh, uh, uh Renfro, (Austin stops and glares at him. Renfro decides to have fun. He points to himself.) Me Renfro (points to Austin) you whipped puppy dog. (The girls laugh.)

(Austin is humiliated and incensed. He looks at Kelsey, who is visibly upset, after which he looks back at Renfro.)

Kelsey: Don’t just stand there Austin! Do something! (She pushes him toward Renfro. Renfro has been holding a glass of coke throughout the conversation. As Austin bumps into Renfro, the glass of coke is dashed over Kelsey. Kelsey lets out a giant, yell of frustration. The girls and Renfro laugh as Austin comes to Kelsey’s assistance as he dabs at the coke with a napkin. As Kelsey yells at Renfro, Professor Conway intervenes.)

Professor Conway: What is going on over here?  (Kelsey is trying to clean herself up.)

Renfro: Miss Huston had an accident sir.

Kelsey: (outraged) It was no accident sir. Renfro did it on purpose.

Renfro: It was an accident sir. Miss Huston’s date bumped into me.

(Professor Conway frowns skeptically. Natalie, one of the girls surrounding Renfro intervenes.)

Natalie: Professor Conway, it was an accident. I saw the whole thing.

Professor Conway: Aren’t you Miss Houston’s roommate?

Natalie: Yes sir.

Kelsey: (making commentary under her breath) My traitorous roommate.

Professor Conway: Miss Houston I am well aware of the dysfunctional relationship that exists between Mr. Renfro and yourself. I would have thought that you two would have had good sense to stay away from each other when you are not at work.

Kelsey: (reluctantly rebuffed) Yes sir

Professor Conway: I certainly didn’t expect you to create a scene at my home.

Kelsey: (repentant) I’m sorry Professor Conway. 

Professor Conway: Thank you and I will expect you in my office first thing in the morning.

Kelsey: (reluctantly) Yes sir.  (Renfro snickers.)

Professor Conway: You too Mr. Renfro. I’m not convinced that you are guiltless in this matter.

Renfro: (submissively) Yes Sir

Professor Conway: I expect both of you to be on your best behavior for the remainder of the party.

Kelsey: Yes sir.

Renfro: Of course sir.

Professor Conway: May I suggest you go to opposite parts of the room and stay away from each other.

Renfro and Kelsey: (nod agreement as they utter) Yes Sir.

Professor Conway: If you will excuse me, I’ll get back to the rest of my guests.

Renfro: Of course sir, we’ll be fine.

(Kelsey nods. Professor Conway returns to the rest of his guests. Once he walks away, Renfro takes a verbal jab at Kelsey.)

Renfro: Okay Beasty Girl, which part of the room do you want to occupy?

Kelsey: I wouldn’t want to deprive you of the spotlight. I’ll leave it all to you and go home.

Renfro: I wouldn’t want you to do something that nice. I’ll leave so you can mingle. Maybe, being around (looking at Austin) normal people will help you develop some social skills.

Kelsey: (very slowly with great conviction) Trey Renfro I hate you!

Renfro: (smiling, as he tweaks her chin) The feeling is mutual Beasty Girl. (Kelsey is steaming mad, as she swaps his hand away.) Come on ladies. We’ll find somewhere less beastly to carry on our conversation.

(Renfro begins his exit, as Kelsey reacts under her breath. The girls who had surrounded him trek along behind him. Natalie is bringing up the rear when Kelsey grabs her by the arm.)

Kelsey: (obviously upset) Not you, I want to talk to you.

Natalie: (resisting) We’ll talk later.

Kelsey: (refusing to let go of her arm, and insisting) We’ll talk now!

Natalie: Come on Kelsey. He’s cute. You didn’t tell me he was so cute.

Kelsey: (adamantly) He’s not cute. He’s revolting.

Natalie: Not to me.

Kelsey: Trust me. You’ll thank me later.

Natalie: I don’t think so. He likes me.

Kelsey: He likes himself more.

Natalie: (thoughtfully) I can understand that.

Kelsey: You have to be kidding. What’s wrong with you?

Natalie: Nothing. He’s a good looking guy. I like him and he likes me.

Kelsey: But, you’re my best friend. You can’t like him.

Natalie: But, I do.

Kelsey: (in emotional pain) Noooo. You can’t be my roommate and like him. Make up your mind it’s him or me.

Natalie: (deadpan) I’ll move out tomorrow. (Kelsey stands wide-eyed and open mouthed as Natalie exits after Renfro.)

Kelsey: (demoralized) I can’t believe my best friend prefers Renfro over me.

Austin: (moving toward her and putting his arm around her) Cheer up sweetie you still have me.

Kelsey: (giving him a stern look) We’ll I’m not too happy with you either.

Austin: (confused) What did I do?

Kelsey: You know what you did.

Austin: I do.

Kelsey: You let Renfro walk all over you and me.

Austin: I did not.

Kelsey: You did too. You should have hit him.

Austin: Not at Professor Conway’s party.

Kelsey: I’m not sure that you would do it anywhere.

Austin: So let me get this straight, you want me to beat this guy up. (Kelsey nods.) I thought you wanted me to give him a piece of my mind.

Kelsey: The only thing that he’ll understand is violence.

Austin: (trying to be cute and romantic)  But I’m a lover not a fighter.

Kelsey: (not amused) I bet you think that’s funny.

Austin: (honestly) It’s a little funny.

Kelsey: I don’t think it’s funny at all. I’m being serious and you’re making jokes.

Austin: (in disbelief) You really are serious about me beating Renfro up.

Kelsey: I am.

Austin: You have to be kidding.

Kelsey: I’m not kidding.

Austin: And what if I don’t beat him up?

Kelsey: (Adamantly) It’s either him or me. Make your choice.

Austin: Kelsey!

Kelsey: (arms folded, mind made up) I mean it. Beat him up or we are through.

(Austin amazed, stands and looks at her.) Go on make up your mind.

Austin: I guess we are through. (He begins his exit.)

Kelsey: (shocked) Austin.

Austin: (over his shoulder) See you around Beasty Girl. (He passes Natalie as she comes back in.)

Natalie: Where’s Austin going?

Kelsey: (sharply) I don’t know and I don’t care.

Natalie: (realizing that something is up) Okay.

Kelsey: What are you doing back? Where’s lover boy?

Natalie: He left without me. I guess he didn’t like me as I thought. 

Kelsey: I guess that means you want to continue to be my roommate.

Natalie: Yes, please and best friend.

Kelsey: I’ll think about it.

Natalie: (pleading) Come on. We’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

Kelsey: Something that slipped your mind earlier, huh.

Natalie: Come on Kelsey. You have Austin. I wanted a boyfriend of my own.

Kelsey: Not Renfro.

Natalie: Okay not Renfro. So am I forgiven?

Kelsey: I guess. (Natalie smiles. She is very happy.) By the way, I don’t have Austin.

Natalie: Oh, that’s what I walked in on.

Kelsey: Yeah

Natalie: What happened?

Kelsey: Like you, he chose Renfro over me.

Natalie: (with great confusion and shock) Austin likes Renfro too!

Kelsey: No. He wouldn’t beat Renfro up for me.

Natalie: Of course not. Kelsey I’m worried about you.

Kelsey: Why?

Natalie: I never knew you were so violent.

Kelsey: Violence is the only thing Renfro understands.

Natalie: (Grabs Kelsey and shakes her) Who are you and what have you done with my best friend Kelsey?

Kelsey: Stop shaking me.

Natalie: Not until you come to your senses.

(Kelsey catches a glimpse of Professor Conway walking towards them.)

Kelsey: Oh no! Here comes Professor Conway again. (Natalie switches tactics. She is patting Kelsey on the back as if she’s choked.)

Professor Conway: Is everything all right over here?

Natalie: (still patting Kelsey on the back as if choked) Something went down the wrong way. She’ll be all right.

Kelsey: (Stopping Natalie) Yes, Sir I’m all right. 

Professor Conway: Good. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to my guest. I’ll see you in the morning Miss Houston.

Kelsey: Yes, sir, first thing in the morning. (Professor Conway goes back to his guests. Kelsey watches and wait until he is out of ear shot.) Come on. Let’s leave before something else happens.

Natalie: I’m with you.  

Kelsey: (glimpsing Renfro entering the room.) Oh no.

Natalie: What?

Kelsey: (nodding toward Renfro) Renfro’s back.

Natalie: Do you think he came back for me?

Kelsey: If he did, he’s going to get something he didn’t expect.

Natalie: What do you mean?

Kelsey: Follow me.

Renfro: (as they approach him) Hello Beasty Girl. (Looking about) Where’s your puppy dog?

Kelsey: (With great consternation, she shoves him forcefully.) Leave me alone! (Trey falls into a group of guests that includes Professor Conway.)

Natalie: (As she and Kelsey hurry out the door) Sorry!

(Trey is on the floor and the guests are reacting to the situation as the curtain closes.)

Act I Scene 2

 Dr. Conway’s office

Renfro is seated at an assistant table on the right side of the stage and Kelsey has an assistant table to his right, There is about eight feet between them and located to Kelsey’s far right is Dr. Conway’s office. Renfro arrives first and sits at his table as Kelsey enters. She must pass his table to get to hers.

Renfro: (as she passes) Good morning Miss “Hit and Run”.

Kelsey: (nastily) Good morning Mr. “I enjoyed seeing you on the floor.”

Renfro: (smirking) I under estimated you Beasty Girl.

Kelsey: (curtly) So… we’re back to Beasty Girl.

Renfro: (sarcastically) Yeah, I kind of like it the best.

Kelsey: (emphatically) Well, I don’t, so you had been quit calling me that or…

Renfro: (cuts her off) Or what? (Cocks his head and makes fun.)You’ll push me out of my chair.

(Dr. Conway enters.)

Dr. Conway: (as he is taking things out of his brief case) I’d  like to see both of you please.

(Renfro and Kelsey make their way to chairs by his desk.) 

Dr. Conway: As usual, I heard you bickering as I came in.

Kelsey: Sorry Sir, but Renfro persists in calling me names.

(Dr. Conway gives Renfro a stern, disapproving look. Renfro looks away so he can pretend not to notice.)

Dr. Conway: That is no way for my two best graduate students in psychology to act. I don’t get it.

Renfro: Get what sir?

Dr. Conway: (sighing before he speaks) I don’t get how you can know so much about psychology and act so immature and dysfunctional around each other.

Renfro: Maybe, it’s psychological warfare.

Dr. Conway: Maybe, but I can tell you for sure that it’s degree suicide.

Kelsey: (eyes popped wide in distress) Sir…

Dr. Conway: I refuse to make it possible for two such dysfunctional individuals to receive graduate degrees in psychology.

Renfro: Doc you can’t be serious.

Dr. Conway: I most certainly am serious.

Kelsey: Does that mean you are pulling our assistantships?

Dr. Conway: I might.

Kelsey: You might!

Renfro: So what would keep you from doing that?

Dr. Conway: You would have to prove to me that you are the capable graduate assistants that I thought you were when I chose you.

Kelsey: How do we do that sir?

Dr. Conway: You could begin by treating each other with more courtesy and respect.

Kelsey: (frowning) I could do that.

Renfro: Me too.

Kelsey: Yeah right.

Renfro: I can if you can.

Kelsey: (Curtly) Well, I can.

Dr. Conway: I’m not sure either of you can, but you had better try. (Both nod okay) There’s more.

Renfro; More?

Dr. Conway: A lot more.

Kelsey: (looking at Renfro first and then Dr. Conway) Okay, what else sir?

Dr. Conway: I am giving both of you a special assignment. 

Renfro: (repeating) a special assignment

Dr. Conway: (nods and continues) I’m giving you a project where you will have to try to change the inner person in order to change the outer person.

Kelsey: (confused) Sir

Dr. Conway: Each of you will be assigned a person to work with, a dysfunctional person.

Renfro: (repeating) a dysfunctional person.

Dr. Conway: A quite challenging dysfunctional person.

Kelsey: (inquiring) Both of us.

Dr. Conway: Both of you. A colleague of mine has two dysfunctional clients that he is having difficulty helping. I suggested to him that someone closer to their ages might best resolve their problems. He agreed so I am assigning the task to you.

Kelsey: Huh?

Dr. Conway: (looking first at Kelsey and then at Renfro) Miss Houston you will counsel the young woman. Mr. Renfro you will counsel the young man.

Renfro: And what are we supposed to do?

Dr. Conway: Each individual is having difficulty relating to those around them in socially appropriate ways. I will give you one month to change that. 

Kelsey: How are we supposed to do that?

Dr. Conway: You will be successful if you will use the strategies I have taught you. You have one month to turn your dysfunctional clients into normal, socially functioning human beings. 

Kelsey: (inquiring) Just how dysfunctional are these people.

Dr. Conway: That will become apparent to you both once you meet them.

Renfro: When will we meet them?

Dr. Conway: Later today, but there’s more.

Kelsey: (fearfully) More

Dr. Conway: One of your objectives is to help your client to see that the inner person, not the outer, is the most important part of an individual. Therefore, each of you will have your client begin a relationship with the other online. (Handing each of them a paper.) Here is the special chat site that you will use.

Kelsey: I don’t get it.

Dr. Conway: You will once you meet your client.

Renfro: I’m guessing her client’s a tire-biter and mine isn’t much better.

Dr. Conway: Remember Mr. Renfro, we are trying to get past all of that.

Renfro: Yes sir, but some things are hard to get past.

Dr. Conway: You had better hope that’s not true. The whole point of your project is to get past that.

Kelsey: Sir, am I correct in assuming that we are trying to get our clients to fall in love with each other?

Dr. Conway: Not necessarily, but you are to get them interested in each other. Let’s  call our little assignment (pondering)…. the Project

Renfro: (repeating as he rolls his eyes) The Project.?

Dr. Conway: (pleased with himself) Yes, the Project.

(Kelsey and Renfro both reluctantly nod.)

Dr. Conway:  Very well, at the end of a month, your clients will be invited  to a party at my house, and I’ll determine the success or failure of your efforts.

Kelsey: You said that we would meet our clients this afternoon.

Dr. Conway: That’s right. They will come to your respective apartments this afternoon at 4 p.m. They have been told that they must meet with you at least three times a week. You will work with them in your apartments. Since this is Friday, you’ll have the whole weekend to get the project underway.

Renfro: Is this an after work project?

Dr. Conway: Since this is a requirement for your degree, that’s up to you.

Kelsey: What about our classes?

Dr. Conway: Oh, I expect you to teach your classes. Beyond that, your schedule is flexible.

Renfro: What if the clients are uncooperative?

Dr. Conway: You’ll have to find a way to get them to cooperate. That’s what a practicing psychologist would do.

Kelsey: Dr. Conway, I’m not sure about this.

Dr. Conway: I am sure. I’ll be available if you should need to consult with me. I expect you to keep careful notes on the project and present a record of your efforts and achievements. Any questions?

Renfro: Let me get this straight. We have to teach these two people to be normal, sociable people and help them form a relationship online. (Dr. Conway nods.)

Kelsey: You forgot one. We have to get them to be more attracted to the inner person than the outward person.

Renfro: Oh yeah.

Dr. Conway: (firmly) That’s exactly what you have to do. 

Kelsey: And, we have a month to do it.

Dr. Conway: (smiling) A month.

Renfro: What if they hate each other when they meet?

Kelsey: (considering an additional possibility) or just don’t like what they see.

Dr. Conway: Then you’ve failed.

Renfro: (panicking) I might as well go ahead and resign my assistant-ship right now.

Kelsey: Not me. I’ll try the assignment.

Renfro: If she will, I sure will.

Dr. Conway: That’s exactly what I wanted to hear. (Looking at his watch) Don’t you have classes to teach?

Kelsey: Yes sir we do.

Dr. Conway: Remember I expect to see a difference in the way you treat each other also.

Renfro: You definitely will see that sir.

Dr. Conway: Good.  Your class is waiting (Kelsey and Renfro leave. Making sure the coast is clear, Dr. Conway makes a call.)  It’s all set…….. Are your assistants are ready?...(Laughing)… That’s great….. Yes, Miss Houston and Mr. Renfro think they are supposed to change them……(Laughing again.)   They have no idea what’s going on…  (Nodding) Yes, I told them that your people would be at their apartments by 4pm. (Laughing)… This is going to be great!

(Once he finishes his phone call, he exits. A couple of minutes later, Kelsey and Renfro reappear, each takes a seat at their respective table.)

Kelsey: I can’t believe our students just left.

Renfro: I’d take advantage of the fifteen minute rule too.

Kelsey: We weren’t fifteen minutes late.

Renfro: Anything close and they take advantage.

Kelsey: Except for Livie Johnson, I’m surprised you didn’t stay behind for special tutoring.

Renfro: She is cute.

Kelsey: I wouldn’t know.

Renfro: Ooohhh! Beasty Girl. You sound jealous.

Kelsey: Jealous! Jealous of what?

Renfro: Livie Johnson

Kelsey: Why would I be jealous of Livie Johnson?

Renfro: Because she still looks like a prom queen, and you don’t.

Kelsey: I thought you were supposed to be nice to me. You told Dr. Conway you would.

Renfro: I told Dr. Conway that he’d see me being nice to you. (looks around) I don’t see him and he doesn’t see me.

Kelsey: So you’re only going to put on a show for Dr. Conway.

Renfro: You didn’t think that I was going to be nice to you for real, did you?

Kelsey: Well yeah. We may need each other in this project thing.

Renfro: You may need me, but I certainly will never need you.

Kelsey: (extremely irritated) Renfro I hate you.

Renfro: I know Beasty Girl.

(Quiet reigns as they both work on grading class papers. Suddenly, Renfro breaks the silence.)

Renfro: (Contemplating) What do you suppose these two odd balls are really like? (Kelsey pretends she doesn’t hear him.) Beasty Girl you hear me talking to you. Answer me. (Kelsey turns on her iPod. Renfro gets up, cuts off the music and demands her attention.) Beasty Girl listen to me!

Kelsey: (Giving him the death stare and speaking very deliberately) There.. is… no… Beasty Girl… here.

Renfro: Okay already. Kelsey Marie Huston listen to me.

Kelsey: (mouth flies open) You actually know my name and my whole name at that.

Renfro: So now will you answer me.

Kelsey: I have no idea what our clients are like, but I suspect we have our work cut out for us.

Renfro: I was thinking the same thing, and I was thinking that we just might need to work together.

Kelsey: (smiling) So you do need me

Renfro: I said might. (Kelsey laughs.) What’s so funny?

Kelsey: You know my name.

Renfro: What’s so funny about that?

Kelsey: I thought you called me those other names because you couldn’t remember my name.

Renfro: No, I call you those other names because you hate it.

Kelsey: (incensed) How would you like it if I called you Beasty Boy.

Renfro: Wouldn’t bother me.

Kelsey: (Adamant) We’ll just see about that.

Renfro: Fine. Now what are we going to do about the odd balls?

Kelsey: What do you mean?

Renfro: I mean we might need to work together.

Kelsey: (shakes her head) Nope

Renfro: Nope! It was your suggestion.

Kelsey: I changed my mind. (Goes back to grading papers)

Renfro: You are soooo weird.

Kelsey: (grading papers) Takes one to know one Beasty Boy.

Renfro: (irritated) Don’t be so childish.

Kelsey: Takes one to know one Beasty Boy.

Renfro: (about to go ballistic, yells) You are driving me…(before he finishes, Dr. Conway enters, Renfro changes his tune and speaks in a calm, friendly voice.)… to pick up my car, aren’t you?

Kelsey: (stops grading and stares at him in wonderment, as she asks loudly) I’m what? (Renfro motions with his head toward Dr. Conway. Kelsey sees him, waves at Dr. Conway and changes her tone.) Sure, I’ll be glad to drive you.

(Dr. Conway retrieves papers from his desk, and leaves.)

Renfro: Come on Beasty Girl. Let’s go before he comes back.

Kelsey: (grading papers)  Go where?

Renfro: You are taking me to pick up my car.

Kelsey: (loudly) No way

Renfro: But, You just said you would.

Kelsey: That was for Dr. Conway’s benefit. The only place I’d drive you is off a cliff. ( Renfro grabs her keys from her desk, and she tries to prevent it. Renfro wins.) Give me those keys. (She rises to try to retrieve them.)

Renfro: (runs toward the door.) Last one to the parking lot is a rotten egg.

Kelsey: (running after him) Renfro I hate you.

Renfro: (yells from off stage) I know beasty girl.

Act I Scene 3

Renfro’s apartment

(Corey, Renfro’s roommate, is seated in the apartment as the scene beginnings. Renfro enters and collapses in chair.)

Corey: What’s up with you?

Renfro: Kelsey has run me ragged.

Corey: Literally or figuratively?

Renfro: Literally, I stole her car keys, and Bro that girl can run.

Corey: So she caught you. 

Renfro: She chased me into a fish pond.

Corey: (laughing) A fish pond.

Renfro: (feeling his clothes) Yeah, I’m still a little damp.

Corey:  (amused) Bro you need to leave that chick alone before she kills you.

Renfro: I’m having too much fun.

Corey: I think you’re crushing on this chick and won’t admit it.

Renfro: Crushing on her, no way. She’s not my type.

Corey: She lives, breathes and is a girl. She’s your type.

Renfro: Not her.

Corey: Why not?

Renfro: (counting on his fingers) She always has to be right about everything. She’s combative, obsessed with her looks, smarter than I am, and hates me.

Corey: (smiling) So she’s smarter than you.

Renfro: Yeah, but I’d never admit that to anyone else.

Corey: So she probably is right a lot.

Renfro: Yeah, and that just burns me up.

Corey: And that among other reasons is probably why she’s combative.

Renfro: Maybe, but I think she enjoys the combat.

Corey: Verbal combat, I hope.

Renfro: Usually

Corey: Bro, I’ve seen her. She’s too good looking to be beating on.

Renfro: I’m not beating on her. She’s beating on me.

Corey: (disbelief) What!

Renfro: Well, not really beats me, but she did push me down.

Corey: Sounds like a love hate relationship to me.

Renfro: You’re wrong. Trust me.  It’s a hate- hate relationship.

Corey:  I’m not so sure about that.

(There is a knock at the door. Renfro looks at his watch.)

Renfro: He’s here.

Corey: Who’s here?

Renfro: My class project.

Corey: Huh?

Renfro: (heading for the door) I’ll fill you in later. (Renfro opens the door and is shocked at what he sees. Standing at his door is the nerd of all nerds..)

Steve: (in a rather nasal tone) I am looking for Trey Renfro. Are you Trey Renfro?

Renfro: (tongue-tied) Uh huh, and you are?

Steve: Steve Arkell here. (thrust his hand forward)  Nice to meet ya.

Renfro: (looks at his hand and then shakes it) Yeah nice to meet ya. Won’t you come in.

(Corey has been observing the meeting with intense interested.)

Steve: Okay (Ambles in very awkwardly. Corey and Renfro are flabbergasted at his appearance, his voice, and his gait. As he sits down on the couch, he cannot seem to find a comfortable way to sit. Corey and Renfro watch in amazement. Steve finally is situated. Corey sneaks a picture of Arkell with his cell phone.)

Renfro: Mr. Arkell

Steve: Steve, please call me Steve.

Renfro: Steve, do you understand why you are here?

Steve: Yes, I do. I have been told that you can help me successfully integrate into the world of homosapiens. 

Renfro: I’ll what?

Steve: Help me navigate the social world of homosapiens. (Renfro is still confused. Steve clarifies.) You know human beings.  (Corey laughs.)

Renfro: Oh yeah.

Steve: Can you really do that?

Corey: (laughing) Yeah, Trey can you do that?

Renfro: (frowning at Corey) I can.

Steve: I am especially interested in forming a social attachment with a female homosapien.

Renfro: Huh?

Corey: (trying not to laugh) Let me take a stab at translation. (looking at Steve) You want a girlfriend.

Steve: That’s right, a girlfriend.

Corey: (extremely interested) Have you ever had a girlfriend Mr. Arkell?

Steve: Steve, call me Steve and you are?

Corey: I’m Corey, Mr. Renfro’s roommate.

Steve: (rises awkwardly, walks toward Corey and thrusts out his hand) Please to meet ya.

Corey: (trying not to laugh) Same here.

Steve: Now to answer your question, yes, I have had a girlfriend. (Joyfully reminiscing)  It was in sixth grade. Lucy was her name, and it was simply bliss until she changed schools.

Renfro: (clarifying) So Lucy and you were very fond of each other.

Steve: (still reminiscing) Yes, yes we were.

Corey: (chiming in) And you two had a lot in common.

Steve: Yes, yes we did. She was beautiful and I was smitten.

Renfro: Until she changed schools.

Steve: Yes, that’s right. Her parents thought it best that she change schools and I lost my beautiful girl forever.

Renfro: Didn’t you try to keep in touch?

Steve: No, her new school was so far away, in Chicago to be exact.

Corey: Oh so she and her parents moved away.

Steve: No, just her.

Renfro: Wasn’t she like eleven or twelve?

Steve: Eleven years, 6 months and 14 days old to be exact.

Corey: (curiously inquiring) And she moved away by herself.

Steve: Yeah all by herself.

Renfro: I haven’t ever heard of an eleven year old moving out on her own.

Steve: (snickering) She went to boarding school silly.

Renfro: Boarding school?

Steve: Of course, it was one of the best schools for the blind in the entire country.

Renfro: So your girlfriend was blind.

Steve: (dead pan) Yep, blind as a bat.

Corey: (snickering) That explains a lot.

Renfro: So the only girl friend that you’ve ever had was a blind girl.

Steve: (very seriously) Yep, we were soul mates. (Corey lowers his head to conceal his laughter.)

Renfro: Well, I’m going to help you find a new soul mate.

Steve: (perks up with anticipation) You will.

Renfro: I will.

Corey: (trying to conceal his amusement) How?

Renfro: Online.  (Corey and Steve look confused.)

Corey: Online?

Renfro: Online

Steve: And, that will solve my problem?

Corey: Can’t hurt.

Renfro: (giving Corey a dirty look) It’ll be a start.

Steve: Okay

Renfro: (writing the chat site address on a piece paper, he hands it to Steve) Here you go. You can break the ice any time you choose or be here tomorrow at 2 pm.

Steve: (palpitating with the thrill of the prospects, he holds the paper as if it is alive) Oh, my goodness. 

Renfro: Are you all right?

Steve: (finding it hard to breathe) Yes, I am ecstatic.

Corey: Are you sure you’re all right? I think you might be about to have a heart attack.

Steve: (trying to control his emotions) Nope, I’m fine and dandy. I’ve just never been so close to possessing a loved one since Lucy.

Renfro: Whoa tiger! We’re not there yet.

Steve: But, I have faith in you Mr. Renfro.

Renfro: Trey

Steve: “Alrightee” then. I have faith in you Trey. Mother will be so excited.

Corey: Mother!

Steve: Yes, I must hurry home and tell Mother that we’ll make our first contact tomorrow. She’s been wanting a daughter in law for some time.

Renfro: Oh, you do that. Hurry home and tell mother. I’ll see you tomorrow at 2pm and we’ll get started. (rises to go the door to see Steve out.)

Steve: (rises awkwardly with exuberance) Alrightee then tomorrow at 2 pm it is. (He literally skips to the door.)

Renfro: (shell shocked as he opens the door) Alrightee then. Tell mother I said hello.

Steve: I certainly will. See you at 2pm tomorrow.

Renfro: (As Steve exits) Alrightee then. (Closes the door and bemoans.) What have I gotten myself into.

Corey: Yeah, man what’s going on.

Renfro: (Grabs his keys) Come on and I’ll tell you. I’ve got to go for a walk and clear my head.

(After Renfro and Corey exit, the scene switches to Kelsey’s apartment. Natalie enters through from another room with a drink in her hand and sits on the couch. Shortly after which Kelsey burst through the door in a tizzy.)

Kelsey: Is she here yet? 

Natalie: Is who here yet?

Kelsey: My class project.

Natalie: Your class project?

Kelsey: Yeah.

Natalie: There’s no one here but me.

Kelsey: She was supposed to be here at four. I was afraid I was keeping her waiting. Renfro stole my keys, and I had to chase him all over campus to get them back.

Natalie: I’m sure that was a sight to see. Didn’t he know you ran track?

Kelsey: He does now. I finally caught up with him at the gardens and just as I was about to tackle him, he tripped on something and landed in the goldfish pond.

Natalie: (laughing) Landed in the goldfish pond.

Kelsey: Yep and I wouldn’t let him out until he gave me my keys.

Natalie: How long did that take?

Kelsey: About an hour. (Goes into the other room.)

Natalie: You kept the boy in the pond for an hour.

Kelsey: Sure did.

Natalie:  Good thing it’s a warm, sunny day.

Kelsey: (angrily) I hope he gets pneumonia.

(Doorbell rings.)

Natalie: I’ll get it. (Natalie goes to the door, opens it, screams as she slams it shut and blocks it with her body. Kelsey runs into the room. Natalie is visibly frightened.)

Kelsey: (yells) What’s wrong? (Natalie motions toward the door.)

Kelsey: Who was it? Was it my class project?

Natalie: (still frightened)  Lord I hope not! That was the most hideous thing I have ever seen. 

Kelsey: Huh? 

Natalie: (nodding) Hideous

Kelsey: (skeptical) She can’t be that bad.

Natalie: Oh yes she can. (Doorbell rings again. Kelsey moves Natalie so she can answer it. Natalie protests, as she plasters herself defensively against the wall.) No Kelsey… No!

 Kelsey: (As she puts her hand the doorknob) Get a grip. (Kelsey opens the door and jumps back.) Oh!

Tabitha: (outside the door in a deep slow scary voice) I’m Tabitha. Are you Miss Houston?

Kelsey: (swallowing hard, hand still on the doorknob) Yes, that’s me. (reluctantly) I’m Miss Houston.

Tabitha: Can I come in? (Still plastered against the wall, Natalie shakes her head “no”. Kelsey ignores her plea.)

Kelsey: (trying to be cordial) Oh…sure, come in.

(Tabitha enters. She is the Goth of all Goths. She is scary Goth with black clothes and boots (or shoes), dog collar around her neck, multiple piercings, pasty white skin, black eye make-up, black lips, long black finger nails, hair bunched in numerous, pony tails. This character’s personality can be performed in any way that makes her character uniquely dysfunctional. She can be portrayed as bi-polar, schizophrenic, or extremely overbearing and frightening.)

Tabitha: Sorry I’m late. I couldn’t get a bus.

Kelsey: Won’t you have a seat. (motions to a chair or couch). 

Tabitha: Thank you. (Tabitha sits as if she is occupying with power.)

(Natalie moans.)

Kelsey: Tabitha this is my roommate Natalie. 

Tabitha: Hel-lo (Natalie waves shyly.)

Kelsey: I’m sorry that you couldn’t get a bus.

Tabitha: It happens a lot. I’m used to it.

Kelsey: I thought our city had good bus service.

Tabitha: That’s not the problem.

Kelsey: It’s not.

Tabitha: No, sometimes the drivers just won’t stop for me.

Kelsey: Won’t stop for you.

Tabitha: I think they’re afraid of me.

Natalie: (thinking aloud) Understandable

Kelsey: (giving Natalie a dirty look) Maybe, we can work on that.

Tabitha: That would be great. I’m tired of walking everywhere.

Kelsey: You walk everywhere. (Tabitha nods)

Natalie: (over her fright and now curious) Don’t you have a car?

Tabitha: Can’t afford one. 

Natalie: Job doesn’t pay enough huh?

Tabitha: Don’t have a regular job.

Kelsey: (echoing) Don’t have a regular job.

Tabitha:  No one will hire me.

Natalie: So you have an irregular job.

Tabitha: Seasonal work

Kelsey:  What kind of seasonal work?

Tabitha: At a haunted house.

Natalie: (think aloud again) I could see that.

Kelsey: (gives Natalie a dirty look) Maybe we can get you a regular job.

Tabitha: That would be great. Then I wouldn’t have to walk. I don’t like to walk.

Natalie: Me neither. I get tired quickly.

Tabitha: I get tired too.

Natalie: I would have thought you’d be in such excellent shape that you’d never get tired.

Tabitha: I get tired of dogs barking, children hiding and people throwing things at me.

Natalie: (catching on) Ooooh

Kelsey: Maybe we can change that too. 

Natalie: (to Tabitha) I’m sorry that I slammed the door in your face earlier.

Tabitha: That’s all right. I’m used to it.  It happens all the time. 

Kelsey: (to Tabitha) How long have you been Goth?

Tabitha: How long have I been what?

Kelsey: Goth. You know black clothes, black lipstick, and the whole Goth persona.

Tabitha: I have no idea what you mean. I grew up dressing like this. My whole family dresses like this.

Natalie: Your whole family, how many more are there?

 Tabitha: My mother, father, a younger sister and two younger brothers.

Natalie: Oh, I see. What kind of work does your father do?

Tabitha: Night watchman. 

Natalie: A good one I suspect.

Tabitha: The best, after he scared some robbers away no one else has ever attempted it. 

Natalie: (nods) I’m sure.  What kind of job does your mother have?

Tabitha: She’s a stay at home mom. She home schools my sister and brothers.

Kelsey: And, you’re the only one with the socialization problem.

Tabitha: Yep

Kelsey: Would you be willing to change your appearance as part of our working together?

Tabitha: I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to look like an odd-ball.

Natalie: (to Kelsey) No she wouldn’t want that.

Kelsey: Tabitha do you have a boyfriend?

Tabitha: No, my mother thinks I come on too strong.

Natalie: (thinking aloud) I think you come on too scary.

Kelsey: (giving Natalie another dirty look) Would you like to have a boyfriend?

Tabitha: Yes I would. Can you get me one?

Kelsey: If you are willing to work with me, I’ll` try.

Tabitha: What do I need to do?

Kelsey: You’ll need to change your appearance some.

Natalie: Some!

Kelsey: (gives Natalie another dirty look) And, we are going to find you a boyfriend online.

Tabitha: Online.

Kelsey: Yes, and we’ll start tomorrow. Be here again at 4pm.

Tabitha: Okay, if I can get a bus.

Kelsey: I’ll pick you up.

Tabitha: Okay

Kelsey: In Fact, I’ll drive you home now.

Tabitha: Thanks

 (Kelsey retrieves her keys. Tabitha rises to leave. Kelsey and Tabitha move to the door.)

Natalie: (as she is about to exit) Bye Tabitha

Tabitha: (as she exists) Bye

Kelsey: (as she exits) I’ll be back in a bit.

(After they exit, Natalie ponders the possibilities.)

Natalie: A relationship for Tabitha online (contemplating) it might work if he can’t see her.

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