The Mail-Order Bride

The Mail-Order Bride

by

Daris Howard


Copyright 1999
by
Daris Howard

The Mail-Order Bride
 Copyright 1999  
by  Daris Howard
All Rights Reserved
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that THE MAIL-ORDER BRIDE is subject to a royalty.  It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union.  All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign language are strictly reserved.
    The amateur live stage performance rights to THE MAIL-ORDER BRIDE are controlled exclusively by Drama Source and royalty arrangements and licenses must be secured well in advance of presentation.  PLEASE NOTE that amateur royalty fees are set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances.  When applying for a royalty quotation and license please give us the number of performances intended and dates of production.  Royalties are payable one week before the opening performance of the play to Drama Source Co., 1588 E. 361 N., St. Anthony, Idaho 83445, unless other arrangements are made.      
    Royalty of the required amount must be paid whether the play is presented for charity or gain, and whether or not admission is charged.  For all other rights than those stipulated above, apply to Drama Source Company, 1588 E. 361 N. St. Anthony, Idaho 83445.
    Copying from this book in whole or in part is strictly forbidden by law, and the right of performance is not transferable.
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 Dedication
    I dedicate this play to my wife.  No, she is not a mail-order bride; she is a beautiful person and the light of my life.   Without her I would be like a lost boat drifting in the sea of time.
Daris Howard

Cast
Eli: A good-looking young man in his early-to-mid twenties.  Slight English accent.
Jim: An older man who walks with a cane but is feisty.
Whitman Harris: A middle-aged man.  He is the mayor, customs officer, etc.
Victor: The ship captain.  Has a strong accent.
Anya: Beautiful young lady.  She is the mail-order bride.
Agnes Harris: Whitman’s wife.  Pretty well in charge of women’s activities in town.  Middle-aged.
Mabel: Lady friend of Agnes.
Elizabeth: Another friend of Agnes.
Costumes and Time Setting
    The setting for the play is Newfoundland in the 1920’s.  The clothes should reflect this era.  Everyone will need a nice set of clothes for church and regular, everyday clothes as well.  Anya will also need the clothes she comes in with from the ship.  They need to be drab and have some sort of veiling.
     
The Mail Order Bride
Act I Scene 1 (Saturday)    
{The curtains open to a setting that would indicate we are on a wharf, or for easier scene changes there could simply be a wharf type of setting in front on stage right.  The traveler curtains could be used to set off the areas where scenes change.  Eli comes in from stage right.}  

Eli: Come on, Jim.  Hurry.

Jim: {Coming in from stage right.  He is old and walks with a cane.} I’m a-comin’.  I’m a-comin’.  I’m not as young as I once was, you know.

Eli: This is the big day.  I don’t want to be late.

Jim: Late?  Ha!  You’re about two years late, if you ask me.

Eli: Nobody asked you.  You know I didn’t have a choice.

Jim: You always have a choice.  It’s just the consequences you don’t get to choose once you make the choice.

Eli: You know I would have brought her with me if I had had the money.

Jim: And I know that anyone who would leave his fiancée to go to another country and work is …

Eli: Here comes Whitman now.  I want to ask him about the boat’s arrival.

{Whitman Harris comes on from stage left carrying a book that is the boat schedule.  Eli runs up to him.  He is very excited.}

 Eli: Mr. Harris.  I was wondering if you could boat me what tell the time is coming in?

Whitman: Slow down, boy.  You’re making no sense at all.

Jim: The lad’s just a tad bit excited.

Whitman: Now start over and tell me what all this excitement is about.

Eli: This is the big day.

Whitman: What big day?

Eli: {A bit embarrassed.} You know.

Whitman: {Looking a bit perplexed.  Then suddenly brightening up.} Oh, is the bell for the church supposed to arrive today?

Eli: No.  Something more important than that.

Whitman: More important than the church bell. {Snapping his fingers.} Oh!  Oh!  I’ve got it.  That shipment of toilet paper is arriving.  It’s been a pretty rough road since the town ran out.

Jim: That ain’t all that’s been rough.

Whitman: Pretty much defoliated the town too.

Jim: A person uses what’s available.

Whitman: Yea, things have been pretty bad around here since that last shipment got caught in the storm and sank.

Jim: You think that’s bad.  What’s bad is the time we had that big snow storm.

Whitman: The one where we all ended up having to gather in the town hall to stay warm?

Jim: That’s the one.  All we had to eat is chili day after day.  Why, no one dared light a match for fear they would blow us all to Halifax…

{Eli breaks in as Jim is saying the last word, not quite sure what Jim will say.}

Eli: Gentlemen!  Gentlemen!  We didn’t gather here to talk about toilet paper or chili or any other matter of a worldly nature.

Whitman: Then what other exciting news did we gather to talk about out here on the dock at such an early hour in the morning?

Eli: My future wife!  My fiancée is coming today!

Whitman: Your fiancée?

Jim: The young lady he put on hold to come to America.

Eli: I didn’t put her on hold.  We just didn’t have enough money for both of us to come.

Jim and Eli together: {Jim mocking him as if he has heard it a thousand times.} We just decided I would go ahead and earn the money to bring her over.

Jim: Yeah, yeah.  But it’s just like I always said: Absence makes the heart go yonder.

Whitman: I think the statement is, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Jim: You think of it your way and I’ll think of it mine.

Eli: But you’re wrong, Jim.  I have written her every week, and today she is going to step off of that boat and …

Jim: {Sarcastically.} And into your arms to dance off through the sunset to live happily ever after.

Eli: I didn’t say it was going to be perfect.  I was just saying we will be together again.

Jim: What if this here Milly…

Eli: Molly.

Jim: What if this here Molly don’t like it here?

Eli: I’m sure she’ll love it.  I’ve been telling her all about it and she is really excited to meet everyone.

Whitman: Did you tell her you became the town preacher?        

Eli: Well, no.

Jim: Did you tell her we were nothin’ but a low-down bunch of lumberjacks and sailin’ swine ’til you came and decided the town ought to have a church?

Eli: Not exactly.

Whitman: Did you tell her we don’t even have a proper church but had to rig part of the old town hall with a steeple?

Eli: I’m not like a real trained minister neither.  

Whitman: Closest we ever had, what with your Lutheran father.

Eli: Methodist.

Jim: And your quakie mother.

Eli: Quaker.

Jim: Whatever.  It just wasn’t that too many people ever got religious in these parts.

Whitman: Except, of course, when some natural disaster came into town.

Jim: Then you come along advocating book learnin’ and bible preachin’ and get all the women folk stirred up about school and Sunday meetings and all.

Eli: It’s hard to be religious and learn the Bible if you can’t read and write.

Whitman: Yeah, I heard tell some of the men are a bit sore at you seein’ as how their wives won’t let them fish on Sunday anymore.

Eli:  I just thought I would try and do my part to give God a hand.

Whitman: So that’s what brought you to Newfoundland?

Eli: Actually, I didn’t start out for here.

Whitman: No?

Eli: No.  I planned to end up in the United States.  Join the Quakers somewhere around Pennsylvania like my mother wanted.

Whitman: What changed your mind?

Eli: I really didn’t change my mind.  The boat I was on got off course.

Whitman: Off course?  Why, I’d have to say your captain had a major malfunction.  You missed your target by 1200 miles.

Eli: The problem was due to a storm.  I’ve always believed the Lord has a purpose for each of us.  He wanted me here in Newfoundland, so He brought me here.

Whitman: I still think your captain had a loose rigging.

Jim: And what I think is that you ain’t told that Dolly…

Eli: Molly.

Jim: You ain’t told that Molly everything about this place.  She might step off of that boat, take one look around, and get herself right back on it.

Eli: I told her the people are different than back home, but that she will learn to love them like I have.

Jim: So what have you told her about me?

Eli: I told her that I live with an old lumberjack that acts ornery to cover his big heart.

Jim: Well, you ain’t so easy to live with yourself, you know.

Eli: {Turning to Whitman.} Anyway, Mr. Harris, I was wondering if you could tell me when her boat would get here?

Whitman: I thought you said it was today?

Eli: Yes.  Yes.  It is supposed to come in today.  But what time?

Whitman: Hard to tell exactly.  What’s the name of the ship?

Eli: It’s right here in this letter. {Eli pulls a letter from his pocket and starts to read.} It’s kind of a strange name.  Nacs, I guess.

Whitman: Nacs.

Eli: Yes.  N-A-C-S.

Whitman:  I haven’t ever heard of such a ship.  Well, let me check the log. {He starts to scan the book.} Nope.  The only ship I show scheduled for today is one called the “North Atlantic Cattle Ship.”  I don’t see any passenger boats coming until a week from tomorrow.

Eli: But the letter said she would be in today.

Whitman: I don’t know about that.  All I know is what my book says.

Jim: Are you sure she meant this week?

Eli: Here.  Read it. {Jim clears his throat.  He can’t read.} Oh.  Sorry.  Let me read that part to you.  “Dear Eli.  Have booked passage on a ship called NACS.  Watch for your bride on June 15.  Molly.”

Whitman: Kind of a strange letter?

Eli:  I’m sure she was just in a hurry.

Whitman: Well, no matter.  I can see the cattle boat coming in now.  I’ll be needed to help it dock and check passports and such.

{Whitman goes off stage left.}

Jim: Son, you know, it’s none of my business and all, but do you think there is anyway that  Lolly…

Eli: Molly.

Jim: Is there anyway that Molly would let you down?

Eli: Oh no.  I remember the night I left. {In a romantic, dreamy tone.} It was a clear evening in late May.  The geese were returning from the south.  The stars shone overhead.  In the moonlight I took her in my arms and she promised to wait for me until I could send for her.

Jim: {In a bit dry, sure, right kind of  tone.} Yea. {Then starting again.} Well, I know I’ve been a bit ornery about it all.  But you just can’t trust life, that’s all.  You see sometimes life throws you a boat anchor when you expect a life raft and I was just worried …

{Whitman and Victor come in from stage left.}

Whitman: {Pointing at Eli} This is the man you’re looking for.

Victor: {In a strong Russian accent as if disgusted.} So you the man who ordered package.  You look like decent enough fellow.  Just as I figured.

Eli: What are you talking about?  I didn’t order a package.

Victor: Oh, don’t try play innocent with me.  Me know your type.  Outside you look like good man.  Inside you sneaking devil.

Eli: What are you talking about?  Whitman, what is this man talking about?

Whitman: I can’t say I have the slightest idea.

Victor: Me told to deliver package to you safely, unharmed.  Me not like, but do as told.

Eli: What package?

Victor: As if you didn’t know? {Shouting off stage left.} Hokay!  Send her down.

{A young lady, dressed in dingy, drab clothes, with a head covering, enters stage left and stands at the edge of the stage, scared, and silent.}

Eli: Well, where’s the package?  

Victor: {Pointing to the girl.} This is package.

Eli: {Going up to the girl.} Okay.  Give me the package.

Jim: {Putting his arm around Eli and bringing him back over.} No, Eli, he is saying the girl is the package.

Eli: {As if a light comes on.}  Molly!  Molly! {He runs over to the girl again.} Why Molly, in all those old clothes I didn’t recognize you.  And I didn’t expect you to come in on a cattle boat.  It’s been so many years.  Let me look at you.

{The girl removes her head covering and finally looks at Eli.  Eli gets a bewildered look on his face.  He glance at her then at the others and back at her.}

Eli: There’s got to be some mistake.  This isn’t Molly!

Whitman: What do you mean this isn’t Molly?  The captain said she was sent to you.

Eli: Don’t you think I would know my own fiancée when I see her?

Jim: It has been two years.

Eli: This isn’t Molly!

Whitman: Then who is it?

Eli: Miss, would you come here? {She carefully comes over to center stage.} What is your name?

Victor: Her name is…

Eli: I think she can speak for herself. {Turning back to her.} Miss?

Anya: Is permitted for woman to speak in presence of men?

Eli: Of course it is.  Now what’s your name?

Anya: Anya.

{She then quickly tries to withdraw, but the men have her somewhat surrounded.}

Eli: Don’t be nervous.  We won’t hurt you.  Can you tell us why you were sent here?

Anya: Have letter.

{She holds a letter out to him.  Eli takes the letter and opens it and moves off a bit.  The others, except for Anya, follow him trying to read over his shoulder.  Eli clears his throat and they all move off.  Anya moves off a bit by herself.   He reads for a brief instant then looks up.}

Eli: This is impossible!

Jim: Are you going to let us in on all of this or are we gonna sit around gawking all day?

Eli: {Somewhat in shock.} Here, read it yourself.

Jim: {Taking the letter and passing it to Whitman.} Would you read the durned thing?

Whitman: {Starting to read it to himself and laughing.  He says the next lines as he reads.} Well I’ll be.  The nerve of…

Jim: I meant out loud, you lowlife sea serpent.

Whitman: {Glaring at Jim and clearing his throat.} “Dear Eli.  I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to tell this to you before.  I could not come to you since, you see, I am married to Jack Taylor.”

Jim: Who’s Jack Taylor?

Eli: He is the postman back in the town I came from.

Jim: {laughing} You mailed her a letter every week and she ended up marrying the postman who delivered ‘em!  {laughing again}  How fitting.

Eli: I don’t see the humor in this.

Whitman: May I continue? {Jim and Victor nod.} Thank you. “We have been married most of a year now and have a little boy. {Short pause as Jim laughs and they stare at him.}  We named him Eli after you.  You will be his Godfather.”

Jim: {sarcastically} Oh, that should make you feel better.

Whitman: Would you let me finish?  “I’ve heard how in the West there aren’t many women.”

Jim: Not the marrying type anyway.

Whitman and Victor together: Shush.

Whitman: “I found an ad for a young lady.  I am sending her to you.  I’m sure she will be a good wife.  Your friend, Molly”

Jim: {In shock and somewhat laughing.}  A mail order-bride!  Your friend Molly sent you a mail-order bride!
        
Victor: You mean you never order young lady?

Eli: No.  Human beings are not property to be ordered through some magazine.

Victor: That’s not what her father say.  He say she good girl and bring good price.

Whitman: You mean she was sold by her own father?

Victor: Da.  He told me he get twenty-five dollar for her because she know English and is good cook.

Eli: Wait a minute.  You mean that money I sent to Molly was used to buy a bride for me.

Victor: And pay passage on boat.

Jim: How much did she have to pay for a cattle boat ticket?

Victor: Boat ticket cost fifty dollar.

Eli: Fifty dollars.  Why did Molly book her passage on a cattle boat?  I sent her over two hundred dollars.

Victor: Two hundred dollar!  Me think she must keep most of it.  Me think you lucky not have such a girl.

Eli: But I can’t believe Molly would pay money for someone as if she were a package that could be bought and sold.  And where did she stay on such a boat among all of the men?

Victor: She sleep with cows.

Eli: You made her sleep with the cows?

Victor: {Indignant.} No other bed.  We not a passenger boat.  And she not like to be around people.

Whitman: We could just sit around jabbering all day about things we can’t change, but we have a bigger question now.  What do we do with her?

Eli: What do you mean what do we do with her, the captain can take her back and tell her father there was a big mistake.

Victor: I no want to take back.  I charge hundred dollar boat ticket to take back.

Eli: I don’t have a hundred dollars.  I sent every last cent I had to Molly.

Victor: No boat ticket, no take back.

Eli: Now be reasonable.  I didn’t ask for her and…

Jim: You’re forgetting something else Eli.  You were just saying how bad it was for Lolly …

Eli: Molly.

Jim: You were saying how bad it was for Molly to send her on a cattle boat and you are about to do the same thing.

Eli: {Thinking fast and hard.} Well, well, maybe…

Jim: Yes?

Eli: Whitman, you’re the mayor here.  Maybe you can help find her a place to stay and a job.

Whitman: Now hold on here just a minute.  I may be mayor, but I am also the customs officer.  The law has changed since you came over here, Eli.  No one comes in unless they meet the new legal standards.

Eli: What new legal standards?

Whitman: In order to be a citizen she must have a relative here.

Eli: But, there is no way she could have a relative here.

Jim: A husband would count as a relative, isn’t that right Whitman?

Whitman: Yes, a husband would work nicely.

{They all look at Eli.  He looks at them and suddenly realizes what they are saying.}

Eli: Oh, no.  If you think I’m going to just up and marry someone I don’t even know, you are dead wrong.

Whitman: Well as I see it you have one of two choices.  You can send her back or you can marry her.  Either way, she’s your responsibility.

Eli: Now wait a minute.  I didn’t order her and I…

Victor: Oh, one thing forgot.  When keep must send father Gratitude Dowry.

Eli: Gratitude Dowry?

Victor: How you say, tip.

Eli: If she stays I’m supposed to send her father a tip?

Victor: Da.  Very important custom.  It tell how much you think she worth.

Jim: And just how much is this “tip”?

Victor: It depend.  If not think good, you send dollar.  If good, two or three dollar.  Extremely good, perhaps four or five.

Jim: {Looking at Anya and possibly holding his nose.} I think a dollar should do it.

Whitman: What if he doesn’t send anything?

Victor: When send tip she considered acceptable to her village.  If you no send tip, then she disowned in village.  

Eli: You mean that we are supposed to send back money for what we think she’s worth, and if we don’t her village will disown her?

Victor: Da.

Eli: I won’t do it.  Isaiah said, “I will make a man more precious than fine gold.”  How then can I reduce a human to the worth of three or four dollars.

Victor: I beg you consider.  If you not send, village think her worthless and she feel worthless.  She actually very nice.

Eli: I won’t do it!

Whitman: You may want to consider everything before making a decision, Eli.

Eli: Jim, what am I to do?

Jim: Isn’t there something we can do while Eli considers the options?
                        
Whitman: Well, she can either stay on the ship or I can lock her up.

Victor: She no stay on ship.  Food not free.

Eli: You can’t lock her up.  It’s not right.  She hasn’t done anything wrong.

Whitman: I’m just following the law.

Jim: It seems to me the law can be bent a little bit.

Whitman: I can’t break the law.

Jim: We didn’t say break it.  We said bend it.  Like you did when your nephew was caught stealing watermelon from the…

Whitman: Okay, okay!  Maybe we can give a little.  We could let her stay here as long as the captain is in port.    That would give Eli a bit of time to make a rational decision.

Victor: But where she stay?  She no stay on ship.

Jim: She can’t stay with us.  What would the town folk say?

Eli: Heaven knows what they’ll say anyway?  

Jim: But, that leaves only one place. {He looks at Whitman.}

Whitman: Now wait just a minute.  I never volunteered to…

Jim: Oh, come on, Whitman.  All your children are gone and you rumble around in that big house of yours like a musket ball in a cannon.

Whitman: What would my wife think?

Jim: If I know Agnes, and I do,  and you put anyone else in charge of this girl you’re gonna be in big trouble.

Whitman: But she’s so, so…

Jim: Dirty?  So would you be if you had slept with cows for a month.  I’m sure Agnes could even find a dress or something and make her look almost human.

Whitman: Oh, all right.  But you better hurry up and make up your mind, Eli.  I’m giving you until the captain leaves port which is, which is… {Turning to the captain.}

Victor: One week from tomorrow.

Whitman: Which is one week from tomorrow.  That’s all!  Got it?

Eli: Yes. Yes.

Whitman: I’ll go get Agnes and try to explain this to her.  Heavens, I don’t even understand it all myself.

{Whitman leaves stage right.}

Victor: I will go get her things.

{Victor leaves stage left.}

Jim: {Looking at Anya and laughing.} Mail-order bride.  The preacher got a mail-order bride.  I thought I’d heard it all.  {Glancing at Eli then over at Anya.}  Perhaps I should leave you two alone.  The guys at the pool hall haven’t heard the news.

{He leaves stage right.  As he is leaving Eli is trying to stop him.}

Eli: {A bit panicked.} No, Jim, don’t leave.  Jimm,  I …

{Eli looks over at Anya who shyly lifts her eyes to meet his then quickly lowers them.}

Eli: I, uh, I mean…

Anya: You send Anya home?

Eli: Well, I don’t know if that’s possible, but it would probably be best.

Anya: You no like Anya?

Eli: I can’t say I don’t like you.  I don’t even know you.

Anya: Anya good cook.  Anya work hard, learn cook, sew, learn English.  Anya speak good English?

Eli: Yes, you speak good English.

Anya: Anya try hard to make new owner happy.

Eli: My name is Eli and I’m not your owner.  A person can’t own another person.

Anya: But father own Anya.  Father sell, Eli buy.  Now Eli own.

Eli: No, Anya.  God made man in his own image.  No man can really be owned by another.

Anya: No man, but woman.

Eli: No!   He did not make the woman to be owned any more than the man.

Anya: Anya not understand.  If Eli think this, then why buy Anya?
                
Eli: I didn’t buy anyone.  I sent money to Molly so she could come over.

Anya: Mean buy Molly and get Anya by mistake and make Eli sad?

Eli: No.  I did not send money to buy Molly.  Molly was my fiancée.  I sent money for her boat ticket.

Anya: Oh.  You already own Molly and send for her.

Eli: No.  I did not own Molly.  She was my fiancée.

Anya: But if fiancée.  You own.

Eli: No.  I’m trying to tell you that I don’t own anyone.

Anya: Then you send Anya back?

Eli: Wouldn’t you be happier back home with your own family?

Anya: Father beat Anya since not please new owner.  Sell ’nother owner.

{She looks longingly at him.  His eyes come to meet hers they look at each other for a brief time.  Eli then lowers his eyes as the words Anya has just said sink in.  Whitman enters with Agnes from stage right.}

Agnes: {Running up to Anya.} This must be the poor dear.  Don’t worry now.  Agnes will take care of you.  You are off of that awful boat.  We will keep you safe from men who treat woman like property.

{With this she glares at Eli.&a

The Mail-Order Bride

Author: Daris Howard
     Daris Howard is an author and playwright who grew up on a farm in rural Idaho. He associated with many colorful characters including cowboys, farmers, lumberjacks and others.
     Daris and his wife, Donna, have ten children and were foster parents for several years. He has also worked in scouting and cub scouts, at one time having 18 boys in his scout troop.
     His plays, musicals, and books build on the characters of those he has associated with, along with his many experiences, to bring his work to life.
    He and his family have enjoyed running a summer community theatre where he gets a chance to premiere his theatrical works and rework them to make them better. His published plays and books can be seen at http://www.darishoward.com. He has plays translated into German and French and his work has been done in many countries around the world.
     In the last few years, Daris has started writing books and short stories. He writes a popular news column called Life’s Outtakes, that consists of weekly short stories and is published in various newspapers and magazines in the U.S. and Canada and has won many awards for his writing.

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