The Courtship of Senorita Florabella

THE COURTSHIP OF SEÑORITA FLORABELLA

by

Richard Davis, Jr.

THE COURTSHIP OF SEÑORITA FLORABELLA

 Copyright 2002 

by Richard Davis Jr.

All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that THE COURTSHIP OF SEÑORITA FLORABELLA  is subject to a royalty.  It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union.  All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign language are strictly reserved. 

The amateur live stage performance rights to THE COURTSHIP OF SEÑORITA FLORABELLA are controlled exclusively by Drama Source and royalty arrangements and licenses must be secured well in advance of presentation.  PLEASE NOTE that amateur royalty fees are set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances.  When applying for a royalty quotation and license please give us the number of performances intended and dates of production.  Royalties are payable one week before the opening performance of the play to Drama Source Co., 1588 E. 361 N., St. Anthony, Idaho 83445, unless other arrangements are made. 

Royalty of the required amount must be paid whether the play is presented for charity or gain, and whether or not admission is charged.  For all other rights than those stipulated above, apply to Drama Source Company, 1588 E. 361 N. St. Anthony, Idaho 83445.

Copying from this book in whole or in part is strictly forbidden by law, and the right of performance is not transferable.

Whenever the play is produced, the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play, “Produced by special arrangement with Drama Source Co.”

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SETTING:

A walled garden, as simple or as elaborate as the director wishes.  Entrance to the garden is through an arched opening up center of the upstage stone wall.  Walls stage left and right have smaller arched openings.  There is a fountain (or a tree) up right and two benches downstage: one right and one left. 

AT RISE:

House lights dim just enough to alert the audience that the play may start.

ACTRESS

  (SHE carries the costume SHE will wear as SEÑORA MARCHITA. SHE enters via SR arched opening, crosses from right to center, stops, looks at audience as if startled, drops HER costume, speaks as SHE gathers it up.)

Oh!  I’m sorry; you startled me.  

(SHE contemplates audience for a beat.)

You’re very early, aren’t you?  You are her for the play, right?

(Response.) 

I was afraid of that…

(SHE holds up the costume SHE’s carrying.)

Well.  As you can see, we’re not quite ready, so I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you all to come back later-

VOICE (Off.)

Wait!  You can’t ask the children to leave!

ACTRESS

(SHE looks off right.)

I can’t?

  VOICE (Off.)

Of course not. They went to a lot of trouble to get here.  Transportation, chaperons – 

ACTRESS

(SHE looks off right.)

But I’m not ready.  I haven’t even put my costume on yet…

(To audience.)

I haven’t even put my costume on yet, so – 

VOICE (Off.)

You can put it on later-

ACTRESS

Later?

VOICE

Yes.  The children aren’t early; you’re late…again.  Everyone else is ready, and we don’t have a lot of time, so we really must start the play.  Music please!

(Spanish music begins.)

ACTRESS

(SHE reacts to the music.)

Wait!

(Music stops abruptly.)

But they’ll see me changing into my costume.

VOICE

You’re just going to put it on over your clothes, aren’t you?

ACTRESS

Yes, but-

VOICE

So, there’s no problem.  Music!

(Music starts.  House lights down.)

ACTRESS

Oh.  Well…

(SHE looks to the audience, fidgets a bit, clears HER throat.)

Yes.  Ummmm.  Hello!  

(SHE looks off right.)

Is that alright?

VOICE

Just a little louder, please.

ACTRESS

But I don’t exactly know what I’m supposed to say – 

VOICE

(Sotto voce.)

I’d like to tell you the story of…

ACTRESS

(To audience.)

I’d like to tell you the story of…ah….

(SHE looks right.)

VOICE

(Sotto voce.)

Señorita Florabella…

ACTRESS

Señorita Florabella…

(SHE looks right.)

VOICE 

And Don Juan.

ACTRESS

And Don…

(SHE suddenly remembers.)

Oh.  That’s right.  I know this part.

(SHE turns to the audience.)

I’d like to tell you the story of Señorita Florabella and a very famous Spanish nobleman named Don Juan.

(SHE gestures and looks to HER left as SHE says “”DON JUAN,”” expecting HIM to appear.  House lights instantly go out and a spot comes up at HER gesture, but DON JUAN does not appear.  SHE repeats HIS name – loudly – and gestures a second time.)

…a very famous Spanish nobleman, Don Juan!

(Spot jiggles, but no DON JUAN.  SHE takes a few steps left, yells through HER hands.)

…DON JUAN!!!

(Nothing. SHE reaches into one of HER pockets, pulls out a whistle, blows it loudly. DON JUAN bursts on left and scrambles to get into the spot.)

Thank you very much.

DON JUAN

(HE bows.)

My pleasure,  Señora.

ACTRESS

You’re late.

(DON JUAN shrugs, SHE speaks to audience.)

As I was saying, Don Juan is a very famous Spanish nobleman, who is very rich…

(JUAN holds up money bags.)

and very handsome…

(DON JUAN casually tosses the money bags off left and postures.)

He has, as you can see, big brown [blue, green] eyes…

(JUAN blinks about 96 times.)

rich, dark [light, red] hair…

(HE arranges HIS hair in some way.)

and an excellent physique…

(JUAN flexes.  Several times.)

He is an accomplished swordsman…

(HE whips out HIS epee, but it flies out of HIS hand.  HE snaps HIS fingers in exasperation, scrambles after it. ACTRESS adlibs.)

A…very funny accomplished swordsman…

(DON JUAN cuts HIS finger on HIS sword.)

DON JUAN

Owee!

ACTRESS

Well.  Anyway, he has an excellent physique.

(JUAN quickly drops sword, flexes again.)

And he is very, very smart.

DON JUAN

( DON JUAN picks up the epee, crosses to SL bench, stands atop it, and recites.)

Two times two is four; four time four is sixteen; sixteen times sixteen is thirty-two; thirty-two –  

ACTRESS

Don Juan, as you might imagine, could marry – 

DON JUAN

One moment, please, Señora.  I’m not quite finished being very, very smart.

ACTRESS

Oh.  Sorry.

DON JUAN

(HE draws HIMSELF up to HIS full height, touches HIS temple, breathes deeply.  Beat.)

Handsome.  H-a-n-d-s-o-m-e.  Handsome.  

ACTRESS

Thank – 

DON JUAN

(HE stops HER with a gesture.)

Popular.  P-o-p-u-l-a-r.  Pop – 

ACTRESS

Thank you, Don Juan.  That’s enough.

DON JUAN

But I assure you, Señora, I can spell many difficult words.  

(HE poses, continues.)

Muscular.  M-u-s-c-u-l – 

ACTRESS

Enough!

DON JUAN

Well.  If you insist…

ACTRESS

I insist.

(To audience.)

Intelligent, yes.  Modest, no.  Ah…where was I?

DON JUAN

You were saying that because I am so handsome, I could marry any girl – 

ACTRESS

Yes.  Don Juan could marry any señorita in the entire kingdom – 

DON JUAN

Any señorita in the kingdom.  You name her, and I – Don Juan Constanzo Philip de la Castile – could marry her.

ACTRESS

But Don Juan remains unmarried…

(JUAN nods, shows audience HIS unadorned ring finger.)

because he is very, very choosy.  

(DON JUAN postures appropriately, perhaps gazes at HIMSELF in a pocket mirror as ACTRESS speaks.)

None of the ladies in the entire kingdom could quite meet his specifications.  Some were too tall, others too short.  Six were too old, three were too skinny, and 14 could not – or would not – prepare his favorite dish: pizza with anchovies and Spanish rice.  Yuck.

(JUAN can almost taste it.  ACTRESS speaks sotto voce.)

One young woman was immediately disqualified, so it is said, because…

(SHE glances at JUAN.)

she was better with a sword than he…

DON JUAN

What was that, Señora?

(DON JUAN draws HIS sword.  Again, it flies out of HIS hand.  HE snaps HIS fingers in disgust,  retrieves sword.)

ACTRESS

Nothing.  I was just saying how handsome you are.

DON JUAN

Oh. 

(HE poses.)

Yes.  Si.  Please continue.

ACTRESS

But it is also said that Don Juan would not care this much…

(SHE snaps fingers.)

about a woman’s age, height, size, beauty, cooking ability, or…

(SHE looks at Juan.)

                                                 (ACTRESS Cont.)

skill with a sword…

(JUAN shifts uncomfortably.)

if only she were as intelligent as Don Juan himself.  

DON JUAN

This is true, but she should be a little bit beautiful because I am so handsome – 

(ACTRESS stops HIM with a gesture.)

ACTRESS

Yes, it is true, Don Juan insists that the woman he marries – who, he has said, will share his vast riches, his fine horses, and his magnificent hacienda – this woman, I say, must, above all, be very, very smart.

DON JUAN

And beautiful.  Also, she must understand that sword play is for men alone – 

(HE starts to draw HIS sword.)

ACTRESS

Please!  

(HE looks at HER.)

You might hurt someone.

DON JUAN

(Aside.)

Yes.  Probably myself.  

(To ACTRESS.)

As you wish, Señora.  But let me assure you that when it comes to the sword, I am a master.  

ACTRESS

Yes.  Of course.  Don Juan, I called you here because I think I have found the perfect wife for you…

DON JUAN

(HE crosses to HER.)

She is beautiful?

ACTRESS

Yes.

(SHE shows picture of FLORABELLA.)

DON JUAN

(HE takes picture.)

Va-va voom!  Carumba!  She is – how do you say in Ingles? – a knockout.  She is a good cook?

ACTRESS

Yes.

DON JUAN

She is modest?

ACTRESS

Yes.

DON JUAN

She is smart?

ACTRESS

She is beautiful.

DON JUAN

She is smart?

ACTRESS

She is interested only in gentlemen who are skilled with a sword.

DON JUAN

(Aside.)

Uh-oh.

ACTRESS

Would you like to meet her?

DON JUAN

Yes.  Si.  

(HE whips out the cards.)

Does she understand that she must answer these four very difficult questions to prove to me how smart she is?

ACTRESS

(Aside.)

Uh-oh.

(To DON JUAN.)

Yes, of course.  

(SHE gestures.  DON JUAN freezes.)

The Spanish people, it is often said, are very polite, very friendly, and very intelligent.  And Florabella is a typical Spanish person in most respects.  But she is not, alas, overly intelligent – which is alright, of course, since not everyone can be overly intelligent.  And this Don Juan will learn that intelligence is not always the most important thing when he comes to know Florabella a little better.  But in the meantime, I think I must help her seem very intelligent.  Let me see these difficult questions…

ACTRESS (Cont.)

(ACTRESS takes cards from HIS outstretched hand.  ACTRESS moves about freely while DON JUAN is frozen.)  

Let me see how difficult these questions are. Hmmmm.  

(SHE reads the first question.)

“”How many feet are in a mile?””  That is a difficult question, but I think the correct answer is…Five thousand, two hundred and eighty.

(SHE turns card over, reads.)

Yes.  Here’s the answer on the back.  “”Five thousand, two hundred and eighty feet are in a mile.””

(SHE returns card to HIS immobilized hand, reads next one.)

“”What do we say of those who are clumsy dancers?””  Hmm.  That’s a silly question, and I’m afraid I don’t know the answer. 

(SHE turns card over, reads.)

“”We say clumsy dancers have two left feet.””   Two left feet?  Oh.  I see; it’s a joke because anyone with two left feet would be very, very…well, clumsy, I guess. 

(SHE returns card, reads next.)

“”What is the highest elected office in America?””  That’s easy.  The President of the United States is the highest elected office in America.

(SHE turns card over, reads.)

Right.  “”The President of the United States.””  One more.

(SHE returns the card, reads the last one.)

Oh, this one is a mathematics question.  Let me see…What number do we get when we divide the product of five factorial and the natural logarithm of e cubed by the square root of 8100?

(SHE looks up.)

No fair!  That’s far too difficult.

(SHE looks at the card again.)

Only someone as smart as a teacher could hope to answer such a question.  But let me try to figure it out.  Let’s see:

(SHE figures on an “”air blackboard””, mutters calculations as SHE goes.)

square root…divide by 90…carry the six….Hmmm.  I think the correct answer is…243.

(SHE turns the card over, reads.)

Gosh, I wasn’t even close.  The correct answer is four.

(SHE looks up.)

Four!  Florabella will never ever get that one correct.

(SHE returns the card.)

At least there are only four questions.  That shouldn’t be too hard for Florabella – as long as I give her a little help.

(SHE gets in position, gestures again.  DON JUAN unfreezes.)

And you understand that you must prove your skill with a sword before Florabella will consent to marry you?

DON JUAN

(HE looks around confused.)

Huh?  Oh…Si.  Yes, of course.  Ah…did I…doze off for a momento, Señora?

ACTRESS

Doze off?  No, I don’t think so.

DON JUAN

No, of course not.  I knew that.  I was…simply making a little joke.  Yes.  Just a tiny little joke.

(BOTH laugh a phony laugh as HE begins backing away.)

I would know whether I dozed off or not.  True?

ACTRESS

True.

DON JUAN

Of course it is true

The Courtship of Senorita Florabella

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