April Fools

April Fools

By

Daris Howard

Dramatist Personae
                            
Sherrie Miller – Pretty girl, wears glasses and doesn’t make herself up much.  A waitress.

Dixie – Girl about 18.  Flirtatious.

Chelsea – Another girl about 18, a bit more serious.

Camille – Third of the four roommates.  Playful, but has a good heart.

Samuel – Old man and wise.

Carl (David) – Good looking boy about late teens to early twenties.

Jack Miller – Sherrie’s cousin.  A mechanic.  Late teens to early twenties.

James Miller – Sherrie’s Uncle, Jack’s dad.

Mayor Rosch – Rich man (or woman) from out of state that has somewhat of taken over the town.  (If using a woman change references of him to her and he to she.)

Police Officer: Could be man or woman.

Mrs. Tanner: Carl’s (David’s) mother.

There could be lots of extras in the restaurant, at the campaign scenes, putting up signs, etc. and also Mr. Tanner if he is available.
Act I Scene 1                
    
{The stage is set up like a café with a counter to eat at.  Samuel is at the counter eating and Dixie, Chelsea, and Camille are at a table talking.  Sherrie is serving.}
                
Dixie: So what are we going to do for April Fools this year?
                            
Chelsea: I am fresh out of ideas.

Camille: Do you remember that one we played on Jake McIntire last year?  We got the whole town to think he was engaged.

Dixie: Poor, shy Jake.  Everyone stopped him to congratulate him.  

Chelsea: Do you remember when his mom came in here and chewed him out because she had to hear secondhand?

Dixie: And then I thought he was going to kill us when he found out who did it!

Camille: That one is going to be hard to top.  

Dixie: There’s got to be something we can do, but what?

Chelsea: I think the first thing we have to decide is to who.

{As they speak, Sherrie comes in with the food.}

Sherrie: Dixie, here is your rootbeer float.  Cherry seven-up for you, Camille.  And last but not least, cheese on rye with an orange soda for you, Chelsea.  Is there anything else I can get for any of you?

Dixie: Sure, how about Jack.  I could go for him in a tux over easy.

{The girls giggle.}

Sherrie: Sorry, I don’t interfere in his love life.

{The girls giggle again as Sherrie leaves.}

Camille: How about Sherrie?

Dixie: How about sherry what?

Camille: No.  How about Sherrie for our April Fools joke?

Chelsea: But she’s our roommate.

Camille: That will make it all the more fun.

Dixie: What can we do?

Camille: I don’t know.  What does she need?

Chelsea: She needs a man.

Dixie: {With a sigh.} Don’t we all.

Chelsea: But the only decent bachelor in the whole town is off limits to her because he’s her cousin.

Dixie: He’s off limits to everyone because he’s mine.

Camille: In your dreams.  He wouldn’t take you to the pig calling contest even if you were the pig.
            
Dixie: Funny.

Camille: He wouldn’t take you to a dog show if you were the…

Dixie: All right!  All right!  At least I’ve been out with him and you haven’t.

Camille: Only because you talked Sherrie into setting him up on a blind date with you.  I thought a blind date was supposed to be with someone you don’t know.

Chelsea: Well, that works.  He sure acts like he doesn’t know her any more.

Dixie: How was I supposed to know that calling his big pickup truck a car in public would offend him?

Chelsea: Actually, I think it was your wearing that rose colored chiffon formal when he was taking you to the crash-up derby that turned him off.

Dixie:  Actually, I think he secretly likes me.

Chelsea: It would have to be secret because he sure doesn’t seem to want anyone to know it.

Camille: And what I think, Dixie,  is you’ve been hit over the head by a monkey-wrench.

Chelsea: We’re getting off of the subject.  What can we do to April Fools Sherrie?

Dixie: We could set her up on a blind date.

Camille: Are you crazy?  Sherrie hasn’t gone on a single date in her whole life.

Chelsea: Besides, where would we find a man?

Dixie: We’ll make up one.  That will be the fun of it.

Camille: You know she’ll turn us down flat.

Dixie: Not if we make him appealing enough.

Camille: What kind of man would be that appealing to Sherrie?  We’re talking about the national wall-flower of the year winner.

Dixie: It would have to be someone that needs her.

Chelsea: Someone that needs her?  She’s a waitress, for heaven sake.

Dixie: You know how she is always dragging home some poor dog or cat.  We can just make up someone whom she feels needs to be taken care of.

Chelsea: Great.  Let’s just go to some city and stop at the homeless shelter to ask for resumes.

Dixie: Get serious.

Chelsea: I am serious.

Camille: Dixie’s right.  There has got to be some way to appeal to her soft side.

Chelsea: How?

Camille: We make up a guy with the kind of characteristics that would appeal to her.

Chelsea: What kind of characteristics?

Camille: I don’t know.  Let’s make a list.  Grab a napkin.  I’ll get a pen.

{Camille gets up and goes to the counter and asks for a pen.  Samuel, who is sitting there, very interested gives her his.}

Samuel: Here, I have one.  Use mine.

{Camille goes back to the table.  Samuel keeps an eye on them and seems greatly interested in what they are doing.}

Camille: All right, let’s list his features.

{The features can be changed somewhat to match whoever is available for the part.}

Dixie: He’s tall.

Camille: {Writing} Tall.

Dixie: Dark.

Camille: {Writing}  Dark.

Dixie:  Handsome.

Camille: {Writing} Handsome.

Chelsea: Oh, I feel sorry for him already.  Maybe I can go out with him.

Dixie: You would want him to be good looking, wouldn’t you?

Camille: How about his apartment just caught fire and he lost everything he owns?

Chelsea: Oh, that’s good.

{Camille writes it down.}

Dixie: I got one.  What if he were an orphan like she is?  

Chelsea: She is only kind of an orphan since her uncle adopted her when her parents died.

Dixie: I know.  That makes Jack more like her brother than her cousin.

Camille: Would you forget about Jack for a minute?

Chelsea: An orphan is a good idea.  It will also make it so we don’t have to try and explain his family.

Camille: All right.  I’ll write it down.

Dixie: Where should we say he’s from?

Camille: How about Weston?  I usually spend a month or so over there every summer so I can handle any questions she asks on that one.

Dixie: That would work.

{Camille writes it down.}

Camille: Anything else we’re missing?

Chelsea: What about his age?  She’s sure to ask his age.

Dixie: How about 19, but he looks 25.

Camille: {Writing}  That sounds good.

Dixie: What should we say he drives?

Chelsea: How about a Corvette?

Dixie: I could go for a Mercedes.

Camille: Right.  He’s an orphan, his house burned and he has nothing left, and he is supposed to drive a Mercedes.  Then how is she supposed to feel sorry for him?

Dixie: You’re right.  Can the car.  

Camille: Ok.  Anything else?

Dixie: I can’t think of anything.

Chelsea: Me either.

Dixie: When are we going to supposedly set them up?

Chelsea: April Fools Day is three days away.  Let’s tell her he’s going to pick her up for dinner.

Camille: That would never work.  She has to work dinner.

Dixie: How about if we say he will pick her up after work?

Camille: After work would be after one in the morning so it wouldn’t be April Fools Day anymore.

Dixie: Let’s just move it up a day.

Camille: Where would he take her that time of night?

Chelsea: We could say he was taking her to Bend where they have that all night movie theater.

Camille: And how is he going to get her there?  We just said he doesn’t have a car.

Chelsea: You’re right.

Dixie: I’ve got an idea.  The only thing open here after 1:00 is the dancing over at Wagon Wheel skating rink.  They have dancing that goes to 2:00.

Camille: Who is going to take someone out for only one hour of dancing?

Dixie: You got any better ideas?

{They all look at each other and shrug.}

Chelsea: The bar is open, but she won’t go there.

Dixie: We’ll just say he wanted to start out slow and only do an hour of dancing because he’s shy.

Chelsea: I suppose that would work.

Camille: Anything else?

Chelsea: Yea, one thing.  What are we going to do to let her know she’s been April Fooled?  We really don’t want to hurt her feelings.

Dixie: What if we show up as the date and bring a cake and ice-cream?  She surely can’t be mad or hurt at that.

Camille: You’re not planning on making the cake, are you?

Chelsea: Yea.  We want it to be a surprise, not a murder.

Dixie: Very funny.  I just thought we’d pick it up at the grocery store bakery.  

Camille: Sounds good.  Ok.  Everyone read the items one last time before we do it.

{They pass the napkin around as they work on their food.}

Dixie: Here she comes.

{Sherrie comes over.}

Sherrie: How’s the food?

Dixie, Chelsea, Camille together: Great.

Sherrie: Is there anything else I can get for you?

Dixie: No, but there’s something we want you to do.

Sherrie: What’s that?

Dixie: We want you to go out with a guy.

Sherrie: I don’t really think…

Camille: Now, don’t say no until you know more about him.

Chelsea: You can’t judge a book by it’s cover you know.

Sherrie: But I’ve never been out with a guy before.

Dixie: That’s why you should do it now.

Camille: Yes, this is the perfect guy for your first date.

Sherrie: What’s his name?

Together:       Camille: Carl
                  ?     Dixie: Fred
 
Sherrie:        Carl and Fred?

Camille: Yes his name is Fred Carl Howard.  You see, he is Dixie’s cousin and his family always calls him Fred, but he prefers to go by Carl.  Isn’t that right, Dixie?

Dixie: Oh, yeah!  That’s right.

Sherrie: And why do you think he would be perfect for me?

Dixie: Because he’s tall, dark, and handsome.  {Chelsea kicks her under the table.} Ow.  I mean he’s really shy and needs a good friend.

Sherrie: Why’s that?

Chelsea: {Taking a quick glance at the napkin.} You see, his home just caught fire and he lost everything he owns.

Camille: It’s especially tragic since he is an orphan and everything he had about his family was in that house.

Chelsea: Not a thing left.

Dixie: Nope.  He’s got nothing but the clothes on his back.

Sherrie: How old is he?

Camille: He’s 19 but I would have to say he looks about 25.  Wouldn’t you say, girls?

Dixe and Chelsea (ad libbed): Oh yes.    Definitely.

Dixe:  I would have to say being an orphan and all he’s been through has matured him.

Sherrie: What does he do?

Together    Camille: He’s a mechanic.
                 ?  Dixie: He’s a waiter.

Sherrie: He’s a waiter and a mechanic?

Camille: Not exactly.  You see, he was a mechanic, but the garage on the side of his house burned when the house burned.  He’s been working as a waiter lately, but I think he really wants to get back to being a mechanic.  Wouldn’t you say so, Dixie?

Dixie: Oh, yes.  Absolutely.

Sherrie: Is he from around here?

Camille: Oh no.  He’s from over in Weston.

Sherrie: What is he doing over here?

Dixie: Looking for a job as a mechanic.  He just got tired of being a waiter and is trying to get back to mechanic work.

Sherrie: I wonder if Jack would know him.  He knows just about all of the mechanics between here and Livermore.

Camille: I don’t think he would know Carl.  Carl just did it out of his small garage.  Anyway, would you like to go out with him?

Sherrie: I don’t know.  Really, I just…

Dixie: Oh, come on.  He really could use a friend right now.

Sherrie: When would the date be?

Camille: The day after tomorrow, right after work.  He would take you dancing at the wagon wheel skating for an hour.  Nothing big, just something to introduce you.

Sherrie: I suppose just for an hour would be ok.

Dixie: Great!

Camille: Let us tell you how you will recognize him.

Dixie: He’s tall, about six foot with black curly hair and blue eyes.  He…. {This could be adjusted so it somewhat fits the person playing Carl.}


{The lights fade as their voices trail off.}




Act I Scene 2

{As the lights come up Samuel is at the counter and Sherrie is cleaning tables.  Samuel is reading the paper.  Samuel goes to the edge of the stage as if hollering into the gas station.}

Samuel: James!  James!

James: {Hurrying in at the counter} What is it, Samuel?  Is something on fire?

Samuel: The Mayor intends to implement that law he got passed last year.  What are you going to do about it?

James: What can I do?  According to the city charter, any law passed can only take effect one year later.  So to get rid of it would take a year.

Samuel: But you know he only passed the law to force your gas station out of business.  He’s targeting you directly so he will have the only gas station in town.

James: I know, but what can I do?

Samuel: Take it to court.  Challenge him on it.  

James: I don’t have the money.

Samuel: So you’re going to just let him shut down your gas station?

James: Actually, I’ve been thinking I might have to shut down my restaurant, too.  I can’t make ends meet without the gas station.

Samuel: And just where do you think I am going to eat?  I’m not about to go to the Night Spot.  I wouldn’t eat in the mayor’s joint if you paid me.

James: I don’t know what to tell you.  You’ve been a loyal customer and a good friend.

Samuel: And what about the garage?

James: Jack is doing such a good job in the garage that he should be able to keep it open.

Samuel: I still think you should fight it.  I don’t like the idea of someone from out of town coming in with lots of money and thinking he owns the place.

James: Well, he was elected mayor.

Samuel: Only because he had so much money he bought up every ad space in the town.
        
James: What day did the paper say the law took effect?

Samuel: April 15th, which would be two weeks from tomorrow.

James: Wow.  That year went by fast.

Sherrie: {Coming up.} What law are you two jabbering about?

Samuel: That one the mayor got rail-roaded through the city council last year.

Sherrie: What law is that?

Samuel: The one that says there cannot be a gas station within 117 feet of the river.  It’s obvious why he chose 117 feet.  Your uncle’s gas station is at 112 feet from the river and the mayor’s is at 130 feet.  It is a low down move to eliminate competition.

Sherrie: He can’t do that, can he?

James: I am afraid he already has.

Sherrie: We’ve got to get it repealed.

Samuel: According to the city charter a law can only take place one year from implementation and a repeal is itself a law.  Thus your uncle’s gas station would be closed for a full year before we could do anything.  By then he’d be out of business.

Sherrie: But Uncle Jim, the gas station is what brings customers into the restaurant.

James: I know, and I was just telling Samuel we may have to close it too.

Sherrie: But Uncle Jim, how could we.  We’ve always…

James: {Coming around the counter.} Sherrie, let me explain something. {Turning to Samuel.} Would you excuse us a minute Samuel? {He leads Sherrie to a table.} When your parents were killed your Aunt Edna and I adopted you.  When your Aunt Edna died I was concerned about raising a little girl.  I thought I could raise Jack all right, I mean, a boy is cars and trucks and such, but what did I know about pony tails and bows? But I knew I loved you and have done my best.  The reason I insisted you get an apartment when you graduated was so you could be with other girls.  Girls that could help you learn to dress and act like the beautiful young lady I know you are.  But you still pretty well live here at the restaurant.

Sherrie: But Uncle Jim, you and Jack are my family.  The restaurant is my home.

James: But I want more for you.  I want you to find a nice guy and raise a family.  Maybe even go to college.  Jack is about the only eligible guy in town and you can’t marry him.

Sherrie: What are you trying to say?

James: I’ve thought maybe I should close the gas station and restaurant so you can go on to college and have the best of life.  You’ve always wanted to go to college, haven’t you?

Sherrie: Yes, but, Uncle Jim, I could still stay here and just commute to college.  And what about you and Jack?

James: We’ll be ok.  Jack could have his pick of any of the girls in the town.  The garage will get us by.

Sherrie: Do your really want to shut down the gas station and restaurant?

James: Not really.  But the restaurant can’t make it without the gas station.

Sherrie: It’s just not fair that the mayor can do this!

James: Fair or not, that’s the way it is.  Now, I want you to knock off a bit early and get ready for that date of yours.  

Sherrie: Uncle Jim, I’m so nervous about this.  I was thinking maybe you could just tell him I’m sick.

James: Oh no you don’t.  You have a chance to meet a nice young man and you need to take it.

Sherrie: But the very thought makes my stomach all twisted in knots.

James: Maybe Jack could go with you as your chaperone?

Jack: {Coming in right then, still in mechanic clothes.} Go where, Dad?

James: Go as a chaperone with Sherrie to the dance with her blind date.

Jack: Not getting cold feet, are you, Sis?

Sherrie: More like frozen.  I don’t know why I ever let them talk me into it.

Jack: I wouldn’t mind taggin’ along as long as you don’t try to set me up with one of your roommates.

Sherrie: But all of my roommates are cute.

Jack: I suppose, but I don’t like to be thought of as a prize or catch, like I’m a sucker and they’re the fishermen.

Sherrie: I’d be very grateful if you would go.

Jack: I’ve got an errand to run and then I’ll get cleaned up.

{Jack leaves.}

James: You better get yourself cleaned up too.

Sherrie: All right.  Just let me finish the last tables.

James: {Heading back to the counter and addressing Samuel.} So, where were we?

Samuel: Actually, we were just about to mention Sherrie’s date.

James: I’m very happy that she has a date.  She needs to have a chance to meet some young men.

Samuel: I suppose.  I just hope it all turns out well.  I stuck around a bit late tonight to see.

{Carl comes stumbling in, almost running into Sherrie.  He is in a suit that is torn as if he were in a fight.  He is bleeding and dazed.}

Sherrie: Sir, are you all right?

Carl: Where.. Where am I?

Sherrie: You are at the Gas-n-Grill. {Then noticing he is bleeding.} You’re bleeding.  Here sit down. {She helps him to a seat.  Then she yells for Jim.} Uncle Jim!  Uncle Jim!  Come quick!

Jim: {Running up.} What the matter?

Sherrie: {Pointing at Carl.} He’s hurt.

Jim: You look like you’ve taken a nasty blow to the head.  What happened?  

Carl: I don’t know.  I woke up on the side of the road and saw your light.

Jim: Can you remember anything?  

Carl: Not really.  

Sherrie: What’s your name?

Carl: I’m not sure.

Jim: Do you have a wallet or anything?

Carl: He reaches in his pockets and finds nothing.

Jim: It looks like you’ve been robbed too.

Sherrie: You’re name doesn’t happen to be Carl does it?

Carl: I’m not sure.  That sounds right.

Sherrie: It’s obvious what happened.

Jim: What?

Sherrie: He got robbed on his way over here.

Carl: I feel so dizzy.

Jim: We need to get him to the hospital.  Run get Jack and have him bring his truck around.

{Sherrie runs out.  Momentarily she comes in again.}

Sherrie: I can’t find Jack.  I pulled the car around.

Jim: Jack must have run somewhere for a minute.  I need him to help you so I can stay and watch the restaurant.

Samuel: What if I stay here and wait on customers?

Jim: I hate to be any trouble.

Samuel: It’s no trouble.  I wanted to be here for the blind date anyway.

Jim: All right.  Sherrie, let’s get him in the car.  Samuel, it’s almost midnight. {Handing Samuel some keys} You could probably just lock up if you want.

{They take Carl off stage.  There is a the sound of a car taking off.  Samuel sets up a table with three glasses of water, then sits down at the counter.  Presently in comes Chelsea, Camille, and Dixie carrying a cake.}

Dixie: Sherrie!  Sherrie!  We have a surprise for you.

Samuel: And I have a surprise for you.  I have your table ready.  Why don’t you have a seat?  

{The girls look at him a suspiciously.}

Chelsea: {Sitting down.} Where’s Sherrie?

Samuel: She is with the blind date you set her up with.

Camille: What!?  There was no date.  We made it up as an April Fools joke.

Samuel: You know that and I know that, but Sherrie doesn’t know that.

Dixie: What are you talking about?

Samuel: I heard you girls plan this April Fools trick.  Though I didn’t agree with it, I stuck around to see how it went.

Dixie: All right!  All right! So you knew!  But what do you mean she went with her blind date?

Samuel: A young man stumbled in a little while ago.  He had been mugged and beaten.  He couldn’t remember anything.  Sherrie was sure he was this Carl you set her up with.

Camille: Where are they right now?

Samuel: Jim and Sherrie took Carl to the hospital.

Dixie: But he isn’t Carl.  Carl doesn’t exist.

Samuel: You know that, and I know that, but Sherrie doesn’t know that.

Camille: Is there an echo in here or what?

Chelsea: So what are we going to do?

Samuel: Considering this is the first boy Sherrie has ever gone out with, maybe we should wait and see how things turn out.

Dixie: Going to the hospital isn’t exactly going out.

Samuel: Are you going to be the ones to tell her that this guy that she thinks needs her is a fraud because you wanted to play an April Fools joke?

{The girls all look at each other.}

Camille: Are you sure you’re not trying to pull a fast one on us?

Samuel: What do you mean?

Camille: I mean, how do we know you’re not pulling an April Fools joke on us?

Samuel: At my age, I have learned that we could never come up with better jokes than the ones life plays on us.  You just wait until you meet him.

{Samuel gets up and goes back to the counter.}

Chelsea: Let’s wait to tell Sherrie this was an April Fools joke until we can sort this whole thing out.  Maybe this guy will turn out to be good for Sherrie.

Dixie: If there is any guy.  Maybe Camille was right.  Maybe they are playing a joke on us.

Chelsea: I suppose we can wait and see.  I kind of felt bad about the whole thing since Sherrie is so shy.  If there is really a guy and she likes him I couldn’t stand to ruin it.

Camille: If he is fake, it might turn out interesting to play along anyway.

Chelsea: We’ll know tomorrow anyway.  I vote that we don’t tell her unless all of us vote to do so.  Is it a deal?

Camille: All right.

Dixie: Ok by me.

Camille: We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

{The lights fade out.}



Act I Scene 3

{The scene is the same.  It is the next day.  Sherrie is wiping the tables.  Camille, Dixe, and Chelsea come in.  They slide into some seats.}  

Dixie: Sherrie, when do we get to meet your date? {Camille wacks her.} I mean when do we get to hear all about it?                

Sherrie: {Coming over.} I hardly know where to begin.  Everything happened so fast.

Dixie: Just start when he came.

Sherrie: I was getting nervous about going so Jack agreed to go with us.

Dixie: Why didn’t you invite us?

Sherrie: Jack thought it might be best not to.  Anyway, Jack left to get cleaned up, I thought, but he must have gone somewhere.  Before he got back Carl showed up.

Camille: Did he look just like we described him?

Sherrie: Well, pretty much.  I think he was a bit blonder and maybe a bit taller. {Or ad lib this as needed.} But he seemed confused and his head was bleeding.  He didn’t even know who he was.  We figured he had been mugged and beaten.  Uncle Jim decided we needed to take him to the hospital.  Since we coul

April Fools

Author: Daris Howard
     Daris Howard is an author and playwright who grew up on a farm in rural Idaho. He associated with many colorful characters including cowboys, farmers, lumberjacks and others.
     Daris and his wife, Donna, have ten children and were foster parents for several years. He has also worked in scouting and cub scouts, at one time having 18 boys in his scout troop.
     His plays, musicals, and books build on the characters of those he has associated with, along with his many experiences, to bring his work to life.
    He and his family have enjoyed running a summer community theatre where he gets a chance to premiere his theatrical works and rework them to make them better. His published plays and books can be seen at http://www.darishoward.com. He has plays translated into German and French and his work has been done in many countries around the world.
     In the last few years, Daris has started writing books and short stories. He writes a popular news column called Life’s Outtakes, that consists of weekly short stories and is published in various newspapers and magazines in the U.S. and Canada and has won many awards for his writing.

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