All I Want For Christmas Is A Key

All I Want For Christmas

Is a Key

By

Deborah A. Hodge

A One-Act Comedy

7 women or more    7 men or more

All I Want For Christmas Is A Key

 Copyright 2011

by Deborah Hodge

All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A KEY is subject to a royalty.  It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union.  All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign language are strictly reserved. 

The amateur live stage performance rights to ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A KEY are controlled exclusively by Drama Source and royalty arrangements and licenses must be secured well in advance of presentation.  PLEASE NOTE that amateur royalty fees are set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances.  When applying for a royalty quotation and license please give us the number of performances intended and dates of production.  Royalties are payable one week before the opening performance of the play to Drama Source Co., 1588 E. 361 N., St. Anthony, Idaho 83445, unless other arrangements are made.  

Royalty of the required amount must be paid whether the play is presented for charity or gain, and whether or not admission is charged.  For all other rights than those stipulated above, apply to Drama Source Company, 1588 E. 361 N. St. Anthony, Idaho 83445.

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Cast of Characters

Sarah Carson——-18 year old enemy of classmate Sam, who humiliated her in 8th grade

Matthew————-Sarah’s 18-year-old boyfriend, who is very jealous

Beth——————18-year-old friend of Sarah since kindergarten

Erica—————–18-year-old friend of Sarah who is somewhat ditsy

Sam——————18-year-old who messed with Sarah in the 8th grade, but secretly likes Sarah.

John—————–18-year-old friend of Sam since kindergarten

Tony—————-18-year-old friend of Sam, who moved to their high school in the 12th grade

Chief Carson———–Sarah’s father. Sarah is an only child.

Carol Carson———–Sarah’s mother. Sarah is an only child.

Captain Bradley——–Can be male or female—Talley and Spencer’s superior

Salespersons 1, 2—one male and one female or both female

Police officers Talley and Spencer—–can be either male or female—serious but bumbling officers

Mayor’s wife (a lady in the crowd) ——-arrested by Talley and Spencer at Vaughn’s department story 

Extra shoppers—————-can be male or female arrested by Talley, Spencer and fellow officers

Set Suggestion: Your set will need a closet, the interior of which must be seen by the audience. You must have an upstairs, a window and an entry door visible to the audience. You must have enough furniture on stage for an elongated search for the handcuff key and for people to hide.

All I Want For Christmas

Scene One

This scene can be performed on the apron of the stage or if there is room in the floor space in front of the stage.

Setting: Vaughn’s Department Store a local department store, a few days before Christmas. Many people are shopping.  Christmas singers are singing as the scene begins. People are looking for just the right gift. When there is a lull in the singing, Sarah, Erica and Beth enter.   Erica looks around with excitement.

Erica:  Don’t you just love Christmas?  All the music. All the Christmas spirit. (She is interrupted by a voice on the loudspeaker: “Shoppers could I have your attention please. For all of your last minute shopping for the men in your life, Vaughn’s Men’s Department would like to announce a 50% off sale for the next thirty minutes.”)

  As the announcer finishes there is a stampede of shoppers to the men’s department. The stampede is right towards   Erica, Beth and Sarah. Once they have passed through and Erica, Beth and Sarah are recovered.

Sarah:  That’s the first time I have ever been run over by Christmas spirit.

Beth:  Me too. Let’s find what you’re looking for and get out of here.

(Sarah, Beth and Erica are shopping. Sarah is trying to find the present her mother really wants. Sam, John and Tony are shopping too. Sam is trying to find his mother the present she really wants.  Sarah and Sam have known each other from childhood and they really don’t like each other. Sam caused an accident in 8th grade.  Sarah was completely humiliated in front of most of the school and Sarah has never forgiven him.)

Beth: What are we looking for exactly?

Sarah: A necklace. My mother said that she saw one here that see liked. She said it was gold with pink filigree surrounding small diamonds. 

Erica: That sounds expensive.

Sarah: My dad is paying a big part of it.

Beth: So why isn’t he here fighting the crowds?

Sarah: You know men don’t like to shop.

Beth: Evidently, some men do. (Nodding in the direction of Sam, Tony and John who are walking towards them.)

Sam: Hi, Erica. What ya up to?

Erica: Hi, Sammy. We’re shopping. What are you up to?

Sam: We’re shopping too.

Erica: Shopping huh? Sarah just got through saying men don’t like to shop.

Sarah: The key word in that statement was men. (She says looking directly at Sam.)

Tony:  (insulted) Wait a minute. What do you mean by that?

John:  (Looking at Sarah and pointing to him and Tony.)  We’re men.”

Sarah: (Agreeing but disrespecting Sam.)  Two out of three isn’t bad.

Erica:  (Because she likes Sam and wants to be his girlfriend, she takes up for him.)  Sarah, don’t be so mean to Sammy. You’ll hurt his feelings.

Sarah:  What feelings?

Erica:   Sarah!

Sam:  That’s all right Erica. I never pay any attention to “Miss Thinks She’s All That”.

Beth:  You should. You might learn something.

Tony:  What’s this a let’s “dis” Sam day or something?

Sarah:  (very adamantly) Why should today be any different from any other day?

Sam:   Oh, come on Sarah darling. You know you really can’t live without me.

Sarah:  I’d sure like to try.

Beth:  Me too!

Erica: Not me!

Sam (to Erica):  You’re so sweet.

Erica: Thank you, Sammy. I think you’re sweet too.

(Sarah and Beth grab Erica.)

Beth: Oh, please!

Sarah: Come on. We have to save you from yourself and “this great big sweet man”.  (Erica reluctantly says goodbye to Sam.)

(Sam flirts back as Sarah and Beth pulls her away. The scene turns to Sam, Tony and John.)

Tony: Sam, you surely can’t really be interested in Erica.

Sam: Why not?

John:  I’m not sure that her elevator goes all the way to the top.

Sam: When you look like she does, it doesn’t have to.

John and Tony: (reacting to what they think he means): Ohhhh!

.

Sam:  (realizing what they’re thinking and shaking his head) —Uh uh, If I date her, Sarah will be mad.

Tony: So you’re trying to make Sarah jealous. 

Sam: No, I’m trying to make her mad.

Tony: I don’t get it.

John: Sam and Sarah have been feuding since 8th grade.

Tony: What started the feud?

Sam: (clears his throat and starts to explain) Well.

John:  Let me. Sarah has always been Miss Popularity and Sam has always been… Sam. (Sam shrugs in acknowledgement of John’s comment.)

Tony: Yeah

John:  In the 8th grade, Sarah was homecoming queen and Sam was quarterback and her escort. (John pauses.)

Tony: Yeah, so what happened?

John: Sam was paying more attention to Halle Johnson than escorting Sarah. 

Tony: (thinking he was implying Sarah was jealous) So Sarah liked Sam.

John: Well maybe, but that’s not what began the feud.

Tony: It isn’t.

John: No she got mad at him because he tripped her, and she fell flat of her face in front of the whole crowd.

Tony: Was she hurt?

John:  Not at first.

Tony: What do you mean not at first?

John: Sam tried to help her up and she resisted.

Tony: That’s when she was hurt.

Sam: Yeah, I fell on her.

Tony: (wide-eyed) You fell on her.

Sam: (nods his head) And, I was in uniform with full pads and my helmet was under my arm.

Tony: Really

Sam: Yep, I flattened her.

Tony: You didn’t.

Sam: I did. 

John: His helmet hit her in the face. 

Tony: (in disbelief repeats slowly) In the face

Sam: (nods in affirmation and continues) Yep, I knocked her unconscious.

John:  She was out cold. They had to call the paramedics. (Tony shakes his head again in disbelief. Sam and John continue giving a blow-by-blow account of her injuries.)

Sam: She had a concussion.

John: And, a broken nose.

Sam: And, a black eye

John: And, a chipped tooth

Tony: (with complete understanding of Sarah’s position) No wonder she doesn’t like you! 

Sam: I tried to apologize, but she wouldn’t listen. She told me that she would hate me until the day she died.

John: So that’s why they hate each other.

Sam: (trying to blunt John’s comment) I don’t hate her, but it’s become kind of a game with me. She hates me and I do whatever I can to make her mad. (While Sarah and Beth are looking at something, Erica takes the opportunity to flirt with Sam again. Across the distance, Sam flirts back.)

Tony: Oh, so you rather enjoy the feud.

(Sarah and Beth turn to catch Erica flirting with Sam. Beth quickly steps in front of Erica so she can’t see Sam and Sarah glares at him in displeasure. Matthew, Sarah’s boyfriend enters.) 

Sam: I wouldn’t say I enjoy the feud, but I do like making her mad.

Tony: (noticing the arrival of Sarah’s boyfriend)–Well, It’s a good thing that you don’t like her.

Sam: Why’s that?

Tony: (pointing in Sarah’s direction where Matthew is giving her a big hug)-Big, bad Matthew has staked his claim.

Sam: (watching the hug) Matthew doesn’t bother me.

Tony: He might bother you if you tried to cut in on Sarah.

(Scene turns toward Sarah, Matthew, Beth and Erica)

Matthew: So what are you up to?

Sarah: (sweetly) Shopping

Matthew: What’s up with that look you were giving Sam when I walked up?

Sarah: He’s messing with Erica.

Matthew: (glaring in Sam’s direction) I thought maybe that he was messing with you. I’d hate to have hurt him.

Sarah: (not impressed) I can take care of myself.

Matthew: (trying to hug her again) But, you don’t have too as long as you have me.

Sarah:  (irritated by his chauvinistic attitude) I don’t need you to take care of me.

Matthew: (tries to take her by the hand) Don’t be mad at me. I just don’t want anyone causing you problems.

Sarah: (still irritated) Don’t treat me like a poor helpless girl. I can assure that I’m not helpless.

Matthew:  I’m sorry. How can I make it up to you?

Sarah: I don’t know. I’m trying to shop now.

Matthew: I’ll give you some space. (Sarah nods.) I’ll call you later.

(Matthew exits. As he leaves, Sarah notices that Sam and the others are laughing. She thinks they are laughing at Matthew and her. She glares at him again. Her glare is interrupted by the voice of a sales person at the jewelry counter.)

Salesperson One: May I help you?

Sarah: Yes, I’m looking for a gold necklace with small diamonds surrounded by pink filigree.

(Another salesperson is waiting on a lady on the other side of the counter. The lady is trying on a necklace. The salesperson waiting on Sarah begins to look for the necklace Sarah has requested and realizes the other customer is trying it on.)

Salesperson One:  I’m very sorry the lady over there (directs Sarah’s attention to the lady trying on the necklace) is trying on the necklace you are interested in.

Sarah: Don’t you have another one like it?

Salesperson One: I’m afraid not. We deal only in one of a kind piece of jewelry.

Sarah: But, that’s what my mother wants more than anything. I heard her tell my dad, “That necklace is all I want for Christmas.” I have to have it. My dad gave me the money and everything.

Salesperson One: I’m sorry, but our policy is first come first served.

Beth: Maybe, the lady won’t buy it.

Salesperson One: Your friend might be right. If she doesn’t, then I can get it for you. While we are waiting, could I show you something that you might be interested in over here in this counter?  

(Sarah, Beth and Erica move over to the other counter to see what might be available there.  The woman who has been trying on the necklace decides not to take it, but before Sarah and her salesperson notices it, Sam and his crew have shown up and request to see the necklace. The Salesperson 2 shows Sam the necklace.)

Sam:  This is the one. My mother said, “All I want for Christmas is that gold, pink and diamond necklace.” 

Salesperson 2: Your mother has very good taste.

Tony: Yeah, she does. I don’t know much about necklaces, but that one’s pretty.

John: (Looking at the necklace and spying the price) It’s nice. But, isn’t it somewhat expensive?

Sam: My mother works hard. She deserves the best. I’ll take it.

Salesperson 2: That will be fine sir. Shall I wrap it?

Sam: Yes please.

(Salesperson 2 proceeds to go to the Cash Register, ring up the sale, and wrap the necklace. Salesperson One, Sarah and Crew come back toward the display case where the necklace Sarah’s mother really wanted should be.)

Salesperson One to Salesperson 2: Did the lady trying the necklace on buy it?

Salesperson 2: No, she didn’t.

Sarah: Good, now I can buy my mom what she really wants for Christmas.

Salesperson One (to Salesperson 2): Where’s the necklace? I don’t see it. My customer would like to buy it.

Salesperson 2: I’m sorry, but I just sold it to the gentleman over there. (Points towards Sam)

Salesperson One: But, my customer was next. I promised her that she could buy it if the lady didn’t.

Salesperson 2: I’m sorry I didn’t know. I sold it to that gentleman.

Sarah: (realizes that something is going on.) Is there a problem?

Salesperson One: I’m afraid there is. My colleague sold the necklace to the gentleman over there. (Pointing to Sam)

Sarah: (In disbelief) Sold the necklace to him!

Salesperson 2: (Apologizing) I’m sorry. I did not know you were interested in it.

That customer asked right after the lady said she wasn’t interested in it.

Sarah: But, I was next in line.

Salesperson One: She’s right. She was.

Salesperson 2: I don’t know what to say.

Sarah: Say I can have the necklace and he (pointing furiously toward Sam) can choose something else.

Sam: (Noticing that there is something wrong, walks over.) Is there something wrong?

Sarah: I’ll say there’s something wrong. You have my necklace.

Sam: I have your necklace. How do I have your necklace?

Salesperson Two: She means that you just bought the necklace that she was going to buy.

Sam: Tough!  I saw it first.

Salesperson One: Well, technically that’s not true. She was here first. She asked for the necklace, but someone was trying it on. Because of our first come first serve policy, I told her she was next in line. We were waiting for the necklace when this clerk mistakenly sold it to you.

Sam: Like I said “tough”. 

Sarah: Sam Cooper, you are the most exasperating person I know.

Sam: One of the many reasons you’re attracted to me no doubt.

(Sarah folds her arm and taps her foot as she tries to keep from exploding.)

Beth: Sam, why are you buying a necklace anyway?

Sam: That’s nobody’s business but mine. Is it?

Sarah: (explodes) Look Creep! I have to have that necklace!

Sam: Now that’s the way to sweet talk a man.

Sarah: Oohhhhhhhhh…….Sam Cooper. You are a….

Sam: (interrupting) Don’t say it. You’ll hate yourself afterwards.

Sarah: But, I hate you right now.

Salesperson 2 (interrupts with the wrapped package in hand): Pardon me sir. How would you like to pay for this?

Sarah: So, you haven’t really bought it.

Sam: Just a technicality.

Sarah: (grabbing the package for the clerk’s hand) No! It’s a fact!

(Sam tries to get the package back. Sam and Sarah scuffle over the package. The two salesclerks try to intervene. A larger scuffle ensues. Someone runs out and comes back with the police.)

Officers Talley and Spencer: (Prying everyone apart.)  Break it up! Break it up!

(Finally, the participants are separated and the policemen start sorting things out.)

Talley: Who’s responsible for this?

Salesperson One: Officer this young woman struck me.

Talley: Assault and battery, huh? (to the other policeman) Cuff her.

Sarah: What? 

Beth: You’ll do no such of a thing. Do you know who her father is?

Sarah: Be quiet Beth.  Officer can’t we talk this over. It’s all a big mistake.

Sam: Yeah, right. Cuff her officer. (Officer Two cuffs Sarah)

Talley:  Who are you?

Salesperson 2: This gentleman hit me officer.

Talley: Another assault and battery. Cuff him too.

Sam: Wait a minute. You can’t do that.

Talley: Resisting arrest. Cuff him. (Officer Two gets another set of handcuffs out to cuff Sam. He has not finished cuffing Sarah when she tries to make a run for it. Officer Two has Sarah in cuffs by one hand and is trying to get to Sam. The other officer has Sam. A scuffle ensues between Sarah, Officer Two, Officer One and Sam. In the midst of the scuffle, Sam and Sarah become cuffed to one another. Officer One and Two become cuffed to one another. Sam and Sarah make a break for it and get away.) 

The crowd dies laughing as the policemen try to get up to chase Sarah and Sam and keep falling. The officers finally make it up from the floor. Talley is not happy with Spencer. He is even less happy with the crowd. He demands that the crowd stop laughing. They laugh louder.)

Talley: (Demands) Stop! Stop!

(The crowd continues to laugh uncontrollably and talk about how hilarious the policemen are.)

Spencer: Break it up!  (The crowd still laughs)

Talley:  (Waving his hands and Spencer’s hands too because of the handcuffs) You heard him break it up!

 (A lady points at the handcuffs and says to the lady next to her)

Lady:  Aren’t they hilarious?

(The lady nods in agreement.  Just then, other police enter the store.)

Talley:  (Looking at the policemen entering.) That’s it! Cuff em! Cuff em all!

                                                    Scene Two

Setting:   Sarah’s Home. Sarah’s father is the Chief of Police. Sarah thinks there might be a key that will fit the cuffs.  

(The scene begins as she and Sam burst in the door as if the police might be chasing them. Sam shuts it behind them. They both pause at the door trying to catch their breath. They feel at least a little secure behind the door of the Chief of Police’s house. Finally, Sarah speaks.)  

Sarah: Do you think anyone is following?

Sam: Let me check. (When quickly moves to the window, he suddenly jerks Sarah along with him. She bumps into him and he catches her before she falls.) 

Sarah: (Reacting less than positively) What do you think you are doing?

Sam: I’m checking like I said.

Sarah: You could have warned me.

Sam: I forgot about the handcuffs.

Sarah: Yeah, well try to remember and make sure you don’t make any sudden moves. That could be a disaster for both of us.

Sam: (Peeking out the window) I don’t see anybody.

Sarah: Good. Now I will get Dad’s key and see if it fits these handcuffs.

Sam: I guess it pays to be the chief of police’s daughter. Huh?

Sarah: Well, this chief of police’s daughter would like to get out of these handcuffs before her father gets home.

(They go over to look in the draws of a bureau/desk. Just as they begin searching the doorbell rings. Fearing it’s the police they panic and begin to look for a place to hide.)

Sarah: Quick, we have to hide.

(Sam nods his head in agreement. The trouble is Sarah goes one way and Sam goes the other. Finally, after several efforts at a tug of war Sarah while the doorbell is still ringing, they decide to wait see if the visitor goes away.  Finally, whoever was at the door seems to leave and they both breathe a sigh of relief.)

Sarah: Who do you think it was?

Sam: How should I know?

Sarah: Do you think they are gone?

(Sam moves toward the window and once again yanks Sarah along with him when she least expects it. Once again, she bangs into him.)

Sarah: Would you please stop doing that? 

Sam: You’re the one who wanted to know if they had really gone!

Sarah: Well, have they?

Sam: (Looking out of the window) I don’t see anyone.  Wait! Someone is coming toward the window.

Sarah: Who is it?

Sam: It’s Matthew!

Sarah: We have to hide. (They hurry toward the coach. In an effort to get behind it, Sarah yanks Sam and he falls on top of her.)

Sarah: (loudly) Owwwh. Get off me.

Sam: (trying to untangle himself) I’m trying to.

Sarah: (irritated) Well, try harder.

Sam: You’re the one who yanked me remember. (He pulls her hair trying to get up.)

Sarah: (loudly)–Owwh!

(Matthew is back at the front door. He hears Sarah’s voice. He bangs on the door.)

Matthew: Sarah! Are you all right?

(Sarah doesn’t know if she should answer him or not.)

Matthew: (concern in his voice) —Sarah, are you hurt?

(Sarah motions to Sam for his advice on whether she should answer. Matthew bangs on the door again.)

Matthew:  Sarah, can you hear me?

(Sam nods that she should answer him.)

Sarah:  Yes, Matthew I’m all right.  I kicked the couch on the way to the door.

Matthew: (playfully) Well, let me in and I’ll make it all better. (Sam is laughing at what Matthew has said and the way he says it. Sarah gives him a dirty look.)

Sarah: I can’t Matthew. I just got out of the shower.

Matthew: (considering the possibilities) Real-ly!  (Sam reacts to the way Matthew says really. Sarah hits him. He makes a noise in response to the blow. Matthew thinks it’s Sarah.) Did you hurt yourself again Sweetie? (Once again Sam laughs. Once again, Sarah hits him. Once again, Matthew inquires as to her circumstances.) Sarah, are you okay.

Sarah: (still reacting to Sam, but trying to sound convincing) No, I’m okay.

Matthew: Then, let me in please.

Sarah: I told you. I can’t.

Matthew: I promise I’ll be a perfect gentleman. (Sam lets out a muffled chuckle.)

(Sarah gives him another dirty look.)

Sarah: Matthew, please come back later.

Matthew: I can’t sweetie. I have this family thing tonight. Why don’t you get ready and come with me?

Sarah: I can’t.

Matthew: Why not?

Sarah: I have a situation that I need to deal with.

Matthew: What kind of situation?

Sarah: I have to look for a key.

Matthew: A key.

Sarah: It’s very important that I find it before my parents get home.

Matthew: Well, let me in and I’ll help you look for it.

Sarah: No, I told you that I’m not dressed.

Matthew: Well, get dressed and let me in.

Sarah: I wouldn’t want you to be late for your family thing.

Matthew: (pleading) Sarah, I have to see you.

Sarah: Come back tomorrow.

Matthew: (Determined) No, it has to be today.

Sarah: Why?

Matthew: (very pleasantly) Because I have a something for you.

Sarah: Give it to me tomorrow.

Matthew: It’s something to make up for upsetting you today.

Sarah: Oh, I’ve forgotten about all of that!

Matthew: (determined) But, I haven’t and I want to see your face when you see what I got you.

Sarah: Let me think about it. (Looking at Sam for his opinion and speaking in low tones.) What am I going to do? I don’t think he’s going away.

Sam: (having fun and gesturing) You’re right you have him mesmerized. 

Sarah:  Very Funny! If he finds you here, he’ll have you pulverized.

Sam: (holding up the handcuffs) What happens to me also happens to you?

Sarah: I’m glad you’re enjoying all of this, but what do I do?

Sam: Tell him that you need to put something on before he comes in.

Sarah: What will that accomplish?

Sam: Find something big enough to fit both of us.

Sarah: Huh?

Sam:  Sit on the end of the couch. I’ll get in the coat with you and kneel behind you with my right arm in the jacket.

Sarah: What!

Sam:  My right arm will be your right arm. 

Sarah: That’s crazy.

Sam: It’ll work. He’ll never know I’m here.

Sarah: He’d have to be stupid to think your arm is my arm.

Sam: (pointing toward the door) Or mesmerized by love.

Matthew: Sarah sweetheart. I have to see you; let me in.

Sam: (nods toward the door) See what I mean…mesmerized.

Matthew: Sarah don’t leave me hanging out here.

Sarah: Just a minute. I’m still thinking.

Matthew: Well, hurry. I’m dying to see you my beautiful girl.

Sam: (laughing) I’m telling you. It’ll wor

All I Want For Christmas Is A Key

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