Godmother I and the Grump That Stole Christmas

Godmother I & 

the  Grump  that Stole Christmas”

By 

Nicholas Conti

Godmother I & the Grump That Stole Christmas

 Copyright 2003  

by 

Nicholas Conti

All Rights Reserved

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Cast:

The Godmother I -Gabriel “Gabby” Bruno  –  Head Capo Boss—Rough Gal with a marshmallow heart. 40-60.

Henrietta “the Sage”  Bianco  –   Mob Consiglieri, bright [adviser], 30-50.

Tony “the Mouth”  –  Young hunk, ambitious mobster, loud, braggart, alarmist. 18-30. 

Sally “the Figure” Principessa –  Gabby’s niece and voluptuous Designer, bright, educated, Capo [Boss] 20-40. 

Jerry “the Twister”  –  Tough old school mobster, Capo [mob officer] male 40-60.

“Big” Rose Grande  –  Enforcer, strong, funny, course, muscular, ex-wrestler, Jerry’s girl 35-55.  

the Grump,  George Smythe  –  Lowliest of thieves, stole Christmas, hates everything & everybody. 20-50.   

Time:  A few weeks before Christmas, the present.

Scene:  Mob Headquarters. New York City, lower East side.  Mulberry St.

Setting:  It’s the morning after Dec 7th Pearl Harbor Day in the neighborhood and Pearl Harbor has visited the City of New York because Christmas got stolen…This was a banner donation year for the poor and homeless with lots of toys, clothing, plus money for the food pantry being given. And during the night of Dec 7th someone broke into the church where everything was stored. Now the word traveled the neighborhood fast and  got to the Godmother I -early the next morning. The scene opens at the Reformed Mob’s  Neighborhood Headquarters and Social Club Office decorated for Christmas [include trees]. Godmother I-is there with her side-kick the Consiglieri, Henrietta, both nicely dressed. They’re at the  GM-I’s desk seated [U.S.C.]. [Set incl. 6 chairs, 2 cell phones & pictures. Entrance D.S.R. in one] sipping their Zar Beck’s Gourmet Coffee.  Just talking over shopping and Christmas pleasantries. Before news of the Horrific Blast hits. 

 “Godmother I and the Grump that Stole Christmas”

Godmother I: So I bought myself this beautiful red silk blouse for Christmas.  I need to spend a little on myself once in awhile to cheer me  up, to keep my sunny disposition Sunny! What do you think Henrietta? 

Henrietta: Gabby you work too darn hard and you’re always giving to the charities, give, give, give. It’s about time you bought a little for yourself. 

Godmother I: I live with this guilt. I can’t help it I was brought up that  way.  You work hard and you give to the less fortunate. My whole family  is that way. But this time a little red silk blouse for Christmas couldn’t hurt!

Henrietta: It’s a good thing your niece isn’t here—Sally the Figure, Principessa, because if you didn’t buy it from the her Principessa line [mimics De Niro] figet-about-it you are no longer a member of her family.

Godmother I: Don’t say a word! Otherwise she’ll put me on a diet, no pasta for a month…Can you imagine a whole month without pasta?

Henrietta: Are you kidding, once a week I need it without fail and with a good sauce,  fresh!  that I make like my mother used to make and, and a nice glass of Cabernet that’s what I… 

          [All entrances are  D.S.R.]  [Tony the Mouth rushes in.] 

Tony: Godmother and Henrietta excuse me for bargin’ in like this but you ain’t gonna believe what I just hoid…You ain’t gonna believe it.

Henrietta: Didn’t I tell you Tony it isn’t ain’t, it’s aren’t.  How many times? Aren’t! Aren’t!

Tony:  Sorry Henrietta, sorry, I ain’t gonna do it again. I mean 

 I aren’t, gonna do nuthin like that again. Youse better believe it!

Godmother: Forget the grammar lesson you two! What did you  come in here for n such a big hurry?

Tony:  Now you see what youse did; youse made me forget, Henrietta. 

Henrietta:  I made you forget?  I…

Godmother:  Enough already you two!…Think! Think! Tony why did you bust in here like that? Why?

Tony:  Henrietta makes me nervous always wantin’ me to speak da  King’s English. So I sound a little street!  I’m from this here neighborhood so what of it. I’m proud of dat…Let’s see now Godmother. You don’t make me nervous…Let me think! I got it, I got it! [They’re already sitting.] You better sit down for this! [They do a take.] I mean, Oh shoot! I forgot again…

Henrietta :  Are you going to tell us before Christmas or what…or what?

Tony:  That’s it! It’s about Christmas you heard about the Grump  that stole Christmas?

Henrietta:  The Grinch!

Tony: the Grump that stole the Grinch.

Henrietta: No! The Grinch that stole the Grump…No, I mean Christmas!

Tony: Yeah that’s it “The Grinch That Stole Christmas” well he was at work down the church. He meanin’ a disguised banana wit the hat pulled way down and the heavy horn rimmed glasses on his face.  I call him the Grump! That there Grump stole all the stuff for dose poor kids and folks; all the toys, all the food, all the money; everything that rotten Grump stole.

Godmother: Are you sure Tony the Mouth?  If you are, this is very serious and very upsetting. I can’t stand people suffering, especially at Christmas.  

Tony: Godmother I love you like my own mother. Did you ever know  me to come up with the bum skinny?

Henrietta: Did we ever know you not to?

Tony:  That’s not true; besides Godmother I would never bring youse the wrong info on such a serious accusation. [Like a proud news-person sounds & stands.] I checked the facts, spoke to da people der, even interviewed dem just like they do on CNN  News, very  professional I was.  A few bystanders, and people standing around at that dark hour noticed a white van ahem! [proudly, he coulda’ been an anchor man;] wit no markings, kinda beat up.  Pulls up to the alley right next to da church where tha big Christmas Extravaganza and dinner is being held and toys and clothing for tots and some money was stashed.  And dis here perpetrator cleaned house all by himself. My Eye witness said he saw him wit his own eyes and said it appeared very up and up.  It looked like he was makin’ a late delivery. He brought boxes in like a delivery and brought out what looked like the empty boxes. I personally interviewed da pastor and the workers der and they all said the same thing; the Grump cleaned house and destroyed Christmas for everybody.

Henrietta: [Facetiously.] That was some interview!

Tony:  Oh it was …[Dignified air.] By all means.

Godmother:  Henrietta get Big Rose and Jerry the Twister and my niece Sally the Figure on their cell phones, tell’em we  need to talk to them here  at The Social Club and tell them we’re all nicely decorated for Christmas here. Oh yeah be sure to tell them it’s a red alert and drop what they are doing!  Even if they’re workin’ on our Christmas pageant for the poor, indigent and ill in the neighborhood, and get here immediately if not sooner, no excuses!    

Henrietta: Will do Gabby [wips out cell phone.] I’m dialing as we speak. Yes hello Big Rose, Henrietta here, this is a Red alert! Gabby needs you  here yesterday. Jerry wouldn’t be with you by any chance, save me a call?  He is, great! Bring him right along too! You’ll be here in about five minutes, great!…And you’ll be happy to know the Club’s decorated for Christmas compliments of the Godmother. Thank you Rose!  [Rings Sally.]…Sally, Henrietta here, this is a Red alert! Gabby needs you here now, if not sooner… You’re right in the middle of designing your spring Principessa line. I’m sorry honey but it’s very important. Gabby needs you immediately and oh yes she said to tell you the club’s all decorated for Christmas…Ok! you’re on the Way. Thanks, bye! It’s done Gabby; you heard.

Godmother:  Yes very good and fast. And Tony you did good! Got all the facts and came over here as fast as your big feet could carry you. And alerted us to a major problem. And I never forget; so look for something really special under the Christmas tree.

Tony: You wouldn’t be tryin’ to tell me you’ll be surprisin’ me wit a new set of wheels. You know I like the new Mercedes, smaller, economy model; not too hard on your wallet and the gas. Anyway surprise me, and just put the keys under the tree that’s all and thanks Godmother.

Godmother: [Laughs hysterically.]

Henrietta: Yes you’ll get a new set of wheels …HOT WHEELS…

[(toy car) both women laugh.]

Tony:  I didn’t mean no disrespect Godmother. I just thought…

Godmother: I know what you just thought; enough already!  Tony, call me Gabby because I’m a person and not your real Mother or Godmother. Now your job is just beginning. Get out and hit the streets. Ask questions! You know almost everybody so it shouldn’t be hard.  And help us find the perpetrators…And when we do!  

Tony: Sorry—Gabby!  Then the Grump will jump right into the East River for a nice Polar Bear Club swim to the bottom of the East River with his concrete Long Johns on.  

Godmother: Bite your lip Tony the Mouth! And if we’re bugged as I’m sure we always are [She picks up small flower vase with an artificial poinsettia on her desk and speaks into it.] We do not engage in such clandestine operations in our new retrofitted Mafia.  [Sets it back down.]

Tony: Sorry Gabby…[Picks up the Vase, speaks.]  We will see that justice is served in this atrocity!  [Puts it down.]  I’m on my way. 

 [Rushes out the door.]

Henrietta: Wow am I glad to see that bundle of energy with a mouth attached, go; now I can think straight again.

 [She covers the BUG with an old hat.]

Godmother: You know, say what you will Henrietta; he’s a good worker and fast talks too much but he’s basically a good young man.  And a credit to the organization.    

Henrietta:  [With disbelief.] If you say so Gabby.  So do you have a  plan in mind on how to solve the case of the Grump that stole Christmas?

Godmother: We’ll map it out just like the cops do.         

Henrietta: Should we bring the cops into it? Nobody called them down at the church. They were hoping we could settle it faster.

Godmother:  I’m not sure. We’re talking a felony here. Let me think on it. 

Henrietta:  Right! But what do we do with the perps [perpertrators]  when we find them. And  we will!

Rose: [Rose & Jerry breathlessly rush into the room.] What’s up  Gabby we got here as quickly as possible?

Jerry: Yeah we was spreadin’ good cheer like youse said to do. And tellin’ everyone that me and Rose wuz gonna play Santa with tha 

suits and tha beard and tha whole thing in the multifarious churches

and schools in the neighborhood….And when they hoid Rose was 

gonna be Santa they laughed till they cried [laughs.]

Rose: What’s so funny you big ox. [She makes a playful gesture as if to  slap him.]You think only a man can play Santa. You wait, I’ll be the best and  biggest hearted Santa they ever saw. The kids will love my sensitive side.

Henrietta:  This I gotta see.  And Jerry where did you pick up that  fifty cent word, multifarious, keep up the good work, next thing I know you’ll have a B.S.

Rose: Oh yeah he already has one of those; it’s a gift.

Godmother: Please! Let’s call this meeting to order! This is urgent. Santa can wait!  We have a situation here where a Grump stole Christmas right from under our noses.       

Rose: Ain’t that Grinch? I saw the movie trying to educate myself and Jerry in the fine arts that you and Henrietta suggested.

Jerry:  Yeah now after that I felt so educated that I feel better qualified  to be a good Santa now and Rose too, right Rosie?

Rose: Yes sweetheart I can’t wait to be a great Santa.    

Godmother: Excuse me! May I have the floor at some time? We do have an emergency here! If I may have your attention, all you would-be Santas!  I, the Neighborhood, the poor, the invalids, emotionally disturbed, addicts, alcoholics and aids victims all need your help because of the Grump. He who stole all the goodies that every good hearted creature in this neighborhood, all the people that barely have two dimes to rub together. All the entrepreneurs struggling to make a living in this tough city of ours; a lot of them donating their last quarter to help needy people at Christmas could muster. And this Grump in one night; the night that shall go own down in infamy December 7th  took it all away. All the food for the food pantry, all the clothing to put the warm coats and shoes on people these cold winter months. Money to pay expenses and buy things. And leave us not forget the toys for our beloved children. All is gone except one ragged old toy Rat he left behind probably didn’t meet his standards.

Rose:  And here we are worried about playing Santa when this terrible crisis has come about. What can me and Jerry do? We are your servants as always Godmother.

Godmother: Get out there and comb!

Jerry: Comb, what do you mean comb? 

Henrietta:  The neighborhood, right Gabby?

Godmother: Right every alley, every walk up, every tenement, roof  top and closet, every…

Rose:  Pardon me Gabby but we get the picture.

Godmother: Thanks for that, Rose. I get carried away with the  emotion of the moment. So please network, ask your friends, your families, store owners, bystanders religious, street people…

Rose:  Pardon again Gabby but we get the idea. And speakin’ for the two  of us we’ll do our very best.

Jerry: And when we catch the fink; I’ll  “give him a flick, a twist of the  wrist that’s what the showman said.” I hoid dat song in some movie, I think.

Godmother:  Movie, shmovie, no rough stuff Jerry and I like that you and  Rose are getting so good with the arts…[Tougher] Now get out there and  find this low life and try to find his stash of stolen contraband then we’ll figure out whether to hand him over to the authorities or give him a  punishment worse than death itself, till his debt is paid to society. 

Rose & Jerry:  Wow! We’re outa here!

 [They move quickly for big people.]

Sally: [Almost bumps into them as they’re leaving.] Is it something I said?

Rose:  No sweetheart we are on a mission. Wow! you look terrific Sally [Halfway out the door.]

Jerry: Yeah youse do!  And we will not rest until we find the bum!

Godmother: Will you two get going before the grump leaves town! 

Get going!

[They’re gone for real now.]

Sally:  [Sashays in dressed to the teeth.]  What’s all this about?  First the hurry up phone call; then Rose and Jerry and a secret mission?  I mean like what’s goin’ on? By the way, Hi! to you Henrietta.[Henrietta nods, smiles.]

Godmother:  First how is my favorite niece?

Sally: Gabby I’m your [funning with her,] only niece! And I’m beautiful.

Godmother:  You’re still my favorite.  And to me you’re always beautiful and that outfit is marvelous on you.

Sally:  Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [Plays the model.]  And this is my number one seller in our new Winter Holiday Mode of modes. I’m glad you like it Gabby because you’re going to like it more when you see the money this is going to bring into our Principessa Designer line of  clothes. Well now are you going to tell me or am I going to have to torture it out of you in the meat locker and if you’re lucky on a comfortable meat hook.

Godmother: Only if you let me pick the room temperature…But all joking aside, a terrible thing has happened; unprecedented in the annals of our neighborhood history and traditions. Ever since refugees from all over the world settled down here in this melting pot on the lower Eastside; many after staying on Ellis Island after landing on the ships…

Sally: Are you gonna tell me or do I have to coerce you.

Godmother: This is just how deeply it affects your auntie…It’s like this, some no account second rate hood stole Christmas from our neighbors, all those poor indigent…

Sally: You are upset! I’ve never ever seen you like this. Henrietta what’s wrong? What’s she trying to tell me?

Henrietta: Have a seat![Sits] Don’t worry she will but this may take awhile.

Godmother: The Grump stole all the toys from our little boys and girls. All the clothes for our tired, our poor, our restless masses yearning to be free. That’s on the statue of liberty, you know. Took the food right out of the hungry, poor people’s mouths and all the cash we had to buy a few little things to bring them a bit of Christmas joy into their poor lives.

Sally: Alright Gabby, I am trying to help out here, I have heart too and I’m set to burst out crying.  Now where and when did this thing happen and how can I help? [Gives Gabby a warm hug.]

Godmother: [In tears now, overwhelmed.]  Well first of all I need you here by my side. Ever since your mother died I don’t have any close family, except you honey.  And though Henrietta is a very good friend; she’s not of my blood.  Second, you have a different, younger, how would you say? Like hipper point of view. Maybe, you can figure out where a worm like this would hide his stash or fence it.  Or perhaps we could work through his mother. Everybody has a  mother. You studied psychology too, you are good with this line of thought. So please….

Sally: Of course Gabby first tell me how this worm pulled it off?

Godmother: Well from the smell of it; a few neighbors noticed this white van pull up in the alley right next to the church. But mostly couldn’t see nothin’.  A couple of passersby were nosy and looked down the alley and saw what appeared to be a youngish guy, a hat pulled way down over his head with a pair of heavy eyeglasses on. But it didn’t look like he was doing anything wrong. He was taking boxes in just like a delivery. They also said he was taking some out, nobody  thought anything of it. Then that morning in December what turned out to be the a day of infamy in the neighborhood. Guess what the night before was… December 7th, like the bum planned it.  The pastor and all those lovely volunteers who hardly have any money themselves found the church basement totally cleared out. That’s the story and I need your thoughts sweetie!

Sally:  Well I still know most of the people where it happened.  I’m  going down there and ask questions.  Ask the mothers, ask the fathers, people hanging out, shop owners, who saw what.  Who else is on the job Gabby?

Grandmother: Well you know Jerry and Big Rose, then Tony the Mouth. He’s good with the old grandmothers, they love him and the young people too—especially the girls.

Sally:  They could be a vital link. The Grump might buy something for his girl, brag to her even. Then if she spreads the word to her girlfriends [a classy,]  Ba-ba-ba-ba-da-bing! We’ll have him.

Henrietta: Godmother, Gabby I’d consider it an honor if you’d let me hit the street and check a few of my contacts too!

Godmother:  Alright but don’t take too long you’re my right arm; besides I can use your company.  And I need your opinion on a hat I just bought to go with my new Christmas ensemble. And Henrietta and Sally if you bump into anyone of our soldiers on the street give’em the scoop and tell them to start checking around.  Tell everybody to report back here in person so the cops don’t get wind of what’s going on. We’re gonna do this ourselves and keep the neighborhood reputation clean. Otherwise before you know it; the media will be here, the FBI, the INS, the NYPD, the AFT, and the DOT did I forget anybody .

Henrietta:  Yes the DHS, Department of Homeland Security who will immediately put us on orange alert.

Sally:  And we’ll all have to walk around in special Principessa Designer Survival Suits and masks for the prevention of contamination from poisonous gas and other biologically, hazardous materials of contamination.  Phew! what a mouthful. Ok Gabby, I’m on my way. If I get something I’ll check back with you. Try to keep the phone free and don’t forget to keep a lid on the bug. [Electronic surveillance. She starts to go.]

Henrietta: Wait up I’ll walk out with you [Crosses to door starts to

exit with Sally.]

Sally & Henrietta :  See you later Gabby [they exit.] 

Godmother: Go get’em girls!  [Yells after them. Sits, takes a minute, has a drink of her coffee, is about to relax for a moment when….]Tony:  [Rushes in,]  Godmother I mean Gabby; I have some hot skinny right from the neighborhood. The grapevine is paying off already. Youse won’t believe dis but a white, dented van that meets da description of  da one spotted in da church alley has been sittin’ at the curb…would you believe a few blocks away from da crime scene. Nobody has seen it around before.

Godmother :  Did you get the plate number?

Tony:  I’m ahead of youse Gabby.  I had an old girlfriend of mine, who works for the NYPD, run the plates. Guess what Gabby, she told me it was reported stolen.

Godmother:  You didn’t tell her why you needed to know, did you?

Tony:  Godmother I didn’t graduate from High School at the bottom of my class for nuttin!  I was voted Fri Buger Kaptain [Phi Beta Kapa.] by my school chums. Quite an honor.  But to answer your highly intelligent question, nah, I just told her the neighbors were wondering where dis here van all of a sudden came from.

Godmother:  Now all we have to do is find out where the thief that stole the van went off to and end of case. Any ideas Mr. Fri Buger Kaptain?

Tony: Well he obviously wouldn’t park it in his own neighborhood right!

Godmother:  Of course, nobody is that stupid!

Tony:  Wrong! Somebody said last night late they saw somebody; he didn’t recognize him from the neighborhood though. Who gets out of the van after parking, walks up the street then crosses. My eyewitness couldn’t tell which house though, but said it was way up near the corner somewhere. One of those tenement buildings. I gave him a fiver; told him to keep his eyes open and let me know if anything goes down.

Godmother:  That is good work Tony. I’m proud of you, very proud.

Tony:  Thank you Godmother you make me feel good. Now I gotta hit the street wit your  permission and see if I find out anything else. 

Godmother: Go get’em tiger and let’s bring the Grump to justice once and for all and bring back Christmas to the neighborhood.

Tony:  I’m on my way. [Exits.]

Godmother: [Gets back to her thinking and her coffee, jots down some notes. Hums a little Christmas carol as she crosses to the Christmas tree and straightens a few of the ornaments. The phone rings.  She picks up.]  Is that you Henrietta?  What’s that? Something important to tell me, great. See you in a few minutes then, bye! [Hangs up, goes back to the tree and again straightens the decorations. The phone rings,  picks up.]  Hello Rose! Yeah it’s good to hear the sound of your voice too.  How are you two making out, what!? You don’t do that while you’re working. Oh you’re so funny Rose. Ho! Ho! You have no leads yet, sure, sure go ahead and have a little lunch. No I don’t want a sandwich. No I’m good Rose; but it’s nice having nice friends like yourself to work with.  Tell Jerry to watch his carbs, yeah, yeah, I know he always does as he shovels them in his mouth.

Henrietta:  [Arrives, steps in happily and quickly a woman with purpose.]  Do I have news for you!  I got talking with this old friend of my mother in the neighborhood and she started to tell me how her neighbor down the hall started to tell her about her son. Who it seems after a few years decides to return home. She had no idea where he was the last few years, it’s anybody’s guess.  So he comes home a few months ago.  Now!  he’s always borrowing a few bucks here, a few bucks there. The lady says he claims he needs expense money to look for a job.  The poor thing is in tears, her life has been miserable since he came back. He keeps terrible hours and is very, nasty to her. And get this! Guess what she called him! Go ahead guess!  

Godmother:  I don’t know.  A louse, a rat, a grouch—You don’t mean?

Henrietta:  Right on ! the Grump.

Godmother:  So Ms. Investigative reporter where is this story going?

Henrietta: So she goes on complaining about the son. Who she says, get this, came home late this morning all tired and like he was out on the town all night.

Godmother:  So he was out a little late. Will you get to the point Henrietta! Sometimes you kill me with details.

Henrietta: I’m getting to that. He gives his mother a few bucks. A nice but used coat,

Godmother I and the Grump That Stole Christmas

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