The Stolen Kiss

Stolen Kiss

 A comedy in three acts

 By 

Edgar E. Eaton

Stolen Kiss

 Copyright 2003

All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that STOLEN KISS is subject to a royalty.  It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union.  All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign language are strictly reserved. 

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Cast of Characters  5w, 7 m

  Several minor parts could be either men or women

Ginny   Attractive woman in her 50’s who has just lost 64 pounds

Kate Woman in her 50’s, never married. 

Di:         Widow in her 50’s who decides to go back to college

Randi    College co-ed, could be any age over 18

Mack    Older college student in his 30’s or older

Dr. Reimer  Distinguished, could be man or woman with some changes in dialogue

Jean Female college student

Jay Male college student

Chad Male college student

Phil Male college student

  Some of the students could be either men or women, with slight changes in dialogue

Mike A middle aged man Ginny swims with daily

Ray      His brother

Time Setting and Costumes

The time is today in modern, casual dress appropriate for home or school.  A costume change is suggested for each new setting or time.

“Stolen Kiss”

Act I    Scene I

The play opens in the home of DI with her roommates, GINNY and KATE, sitting around a table

Ginny:  Mail’s here. 

Kate:   Anything for me?

Ginny::   Class schedule from the college. 

Kate:   I don’t want that. 

Di:  I do. 

Ginny:   You got it.

Kate:   Anything else? 

Ginny:   You’re pre-approved for a loan to build a house. 

Kate: I don’t want that either.  I’m in a house. . . don’t need another one. 

Di:   It’s my house. 

Kate:   Are you saying you want me to build my own? 

Di:   Not really, but if you’ve been pre-approved for a loan . . . 

Kate:   I’ve been pre-approved for a loan to remodel the kitchen. Do you want me to take that? 

Di:  You make one change to my kitchen and you’ll be living in your grandmother’s basement with the mice. 

Ginny   The pre-approved loan goes into the recycle box.  OK?

Kate:   Fine. Anything else? 

Ginny:   Reader’s Digest Sweepstakes is offering me a 7 million to one chance I’ll win its grand prize but I’ll gladly give it to you if you’ll take me and my husband on a cruise with the winnings. 

Kate:   I don’t have a husband.

Ginny:   No, but with 7 million dollars you can probably find one for each of us. 

Kate:   I don’t want a husband that’s for sale, even one whose asking price is more than a million dollars.

Di:  You’re awfully choosy in your old age.

Kate:   I was choosy in my young age. 

Ginny:   Di, here’s a letter from your Aunt Dalene in Seattle. 

 Di:   Good.  I hope she and her husband are getting along  better.  Maybe he quit gambling. 

Ginny:   Oh, here’s one for you, Kate.  

Kate:   This is addressed to Occupant. 

Ginny:  It’s the best offer you’ve had so far, although it doesn’t say you’ve been pre-approved. 

Kate:   It’s announcing a revival meeting at that new church up in the north end of town.  

Di:  I’m sure you pre-approved for that. 

Ginny:  Yes, I hear they take all sinners. 

Kate:  All right, I’ve had it with you wise guys.  If there’s no more mail, I’m going to go watch a soap opera or Oprah or professional wrestling.

Ginny:   Here’s one for Resident. 

Kate: That’s me, I’m sure. . .  It’s an ad for something  to cure post nasal drip.  We’re getting as much Spam in our mailbox as we get on e-mail. 

Ginny:      You got that right.   (She sits down.)  Di,  since when are you interested in the quarter schedule for the college? 

Di:  I’m thinking of taking a class or two.  Got any ideas?

Ginny:   How to find a husband without really trying. 

Di:   Right.  That’s all I need, an 18 year-old with a boom box playing rock and roll CD’s on his headphones who’s scouting for someone to take dancing. 

Kate:   You could keep up with any 18 year-old I know, Di. 

Di:   I don’t want to keep with the 18 year-olds I know, let alone those you know.  

Ginny:   You could both count the 18 year-olds you know on one hand. 

Kate:   She’s got a point.  College would give you a chance to meet all the 18 year-olds you’d ever want to know. 

Ginny:   I read where the average age of students at our community college is 28.

Di:    That’s the most misleading statistic ever released,  There may not be anyone in the whole school who is 28 but the average could still be 28.  You enroll a few folks our age, maybe even someone in her eighties, and it throws the – quote – average age — clear off ‘cause there’s no one enrolling who’s one or two years old to offset the number.  

Kate:  I see what you mean.   The age of most students is probably pretty young, by our standards, being that we’re all over 39. 

Ginny:      Make that 49. 

Kate:   I was being nice. 

Ginny:   But I know some people our age going to college. 

Di:   Maybe so, but they’re a minority.  

Kate:  That’s true.

Di:   But I wouldn’t mind being in that minority. 

Ginny:   They’re called DAR’s. 

Di:   DAR’s? 

Ginny:   Da. . .

Kate: (jumping in quickly) DARNed Average Raisers. 

Di:   Why? 

Ginny:   Because older students are usually pretty darn serious students.  They’re not in college because their parents are paying their way, not there to find a date for Saturday night,  not there to win a letter in sports, or even delay going out and competing in the real world.  They’re there to learn, paying their own tuition and not about to waste one penny of their investment.  They take the whole business pretty seriously and therefore they usually do their home work, come to class every day, and GET GOOD GRADES.  That’s the name of the game for them.  They’re tough competition to people working and going to school, to those who have to find time to study in between dating, sports, and trying to survive living in a dorm or an apartment or even at home.  If the professor is grading on the curve, older students indeed become DAR’s.  We’re guilty. 

Kate:   What do you mean WE, Tonto?  Di’s the one reading the class schedule. 

Di:   Tonto? 

Ginny:   You’ve never heard that joke? 

Kate:   That was before her time 

Ginny:.  The Lone Ranger and Tonto are surrounded by Indians.  The Lone Ranger says, “There’s Indians to the north of us, Indians to the South, on the east and on the west.  What are we going to do, Tonto?”  and Tonto says, “What do you mean WE, Paleface?”

Di:   I think that is a politically incorrect joke, ladies.  

Ginny:   You’re right, Di.  Don’t tell it in class. 

Kate:   That joke is pretty mild compared to what she could hear on that campus. 

Di:   You two have me already enrolled and going to class.   I just said I’m curious.  I didn’t say I was going to go. 

Kate:   Right, Di..  While you’re there see if you can find me a handsome 18 year-old freshman with rich parents who is looking for an attractive,  more experienced female companion.  

Di:   OK, the attractive, more experienced woman is you?

Kate:   Who else?

Di:   Just checking.  If I find such a unique catch, how do you know Ginny won’t steal him away from you?

Ginny:      I’m not really interested.  My ideal mate should be at least 19. 

Di:   A matchmaker I’m not.  If – and that is a big IF – I go to college it will be to be the best DAR I can be, not a scout for my roommates.  

(Curtain)

Act I  Scene 2

The scene is a college classroom, students in desks with the professor up front. Most of the students do not have speaking parts. It gives young actors a chance to be on stage and learn to react to what is happening there. 

Di:   Well, I’ve survived three weeks now in the college environment and no one has thrown me out yet.  I went to college just out of high school, fell in love, got married and . . . 

Randi:  And?

Di:  It’s not something I talk about . . . not any more. 

Randi:  Sorry.  I didn’t mean to pry. 

Di:  It’s all right.  My husband was killed in a plane crash and I dropped out of school.  But it’s starting to come back now.  College is easier when you don’t have to worry about the dating scene, a part-time job, the whole bit. 

Randi:  You said they haven’t thrown you out yet.  That’s because you bring snacks. (She eats a cookie as Di explains where the snacks come from.)  You may not have to worry about the dating scene yet, but three weeks is not nearly enough time to find Mr. Right. 

Di:  I’m not looking for Mr. Right.  I just want to get an education.   I bring snacks not in search of a guy but just to get rid the goodies.  My roommate Ginny likes to make cookies that she can give away.  She has lost weight but hasn’t given up her love for cookies.  But she’s learned control and does sneak a bite or two while mixing up the batter and eats a cookie or two after they’re out of the oven.  But that’s it.  She sends the cookies to school with me and I never have trouble getting rid of them.  There’s never any left when I go home. 

Randi:  We’re both winners. 

Di:   Right.  She maintains her weight loss and you guys get the cookies. 

Randi:  How many roommates to you have?

Di:  Two.  Ginny and Kate.  Ginny used to be overweight but has lost 64 pounds going on a diet and will be to her goal in another few pounds.  She went through a divorce several years ago and gained a lot of weight dealing with the emotion of that experience.  But she’s doing fine.  She wants me find her an 18 year-old, good-looking freshman to keep. Kate wants a 19 year-old ‘cause she’s older. 

Randi:  How about the Backer twins, Tim and Tom?

Di:  I wouldn’t do that to Hillary Clinton, let alone my roommates. 

Randi:  All right.  I admit they just fell off the turnip truck on their way into town to spend the egg money but I think they’re the only ones you could get to go home with you by just waving cookies under their nose.  

Di:  It would serve them right

Randi:  Tim and Tom or Kate and Ginny?

Di: Kate and Ginny, for appointing me their matchmaker. 

Randi:  What is Kate like? 

Di:  She’s a marvel.  Never married but is willing to give it try if I can find her a freshman who wants a mature genius. 

Randi:  Genius? 

Di: Yeh. She’s an inventor.  She devised a remote control that she points at cars playing loud rock and roll music and blows up their radio. 

Randi:  Blows it up?  Like KAPOW? (She makes an explosion sound that gets the attention of the whole class, quietly visiting with each other while waiting for Dr.Reimer to arrive and start class.)

Di:  It doesn’t actually blow them up like terrorists blow things up.  Although some people, the ones with boomboxes that rock the neighborhood, think she’s the worst kind of terrorist.  Whatever beam she hits the radio with works.  The radio goes dead and the neighborhood can go back to sleep. 

Randi:     That’s wild.  You guys must have a ball with her around.

Di:  Ginny and Kate are the most wonderful people in the world.  But they’re a bad influence on me.  

Randi:  Really?  How?  

Di:  I find myself  wanting to see that folks get their just desserts.  Once I saw a perfectly able-bodied bozo park in a handicapped zone because he didn’t want to walk any farther than he had to when he stopped for a cup of coffee.  I pointed out to him that his sports car was parked in a handicapped zone and he flipped me an obscene gesture.  So while he was in coffee shop I let the air out of all four of his tires.  (She pulls a little valve stem remover out  of her purse.)  One of these really comes in handy.  

Randi:  Did you really do that? 

Di:  It made the police blotter in the paper.  It didn’t mention me because I made a clean get away.   I was hiding behind a car a couple cars down from his, laughing my head off when he came out and discovered the vandalism.  That’s what the newspaper called it.  My roommates read the paper and knew I was the one who did it because I’ve done it before and they recognized my M.O. 

Randi:  M.O.?

Di:  That’s from old radio and tv shows before your time.  It means Method of Operation.  Cops were always talking about criminals’ M.O. that gave them away.   My Method of Operation was so well known to my roommates, they recognized the vandal was obviously me.  They cut the article out of the paper, blew it up to eight by ten on the copy machine, and framed it.  It’s hanging on our wall. 

(Dr. Reimer enters from stage left.  He can be any age between 29 and 69, any size, any color, but must be a commanding presence.  He is a highly respected teacher  The part could be played by a woman.)

Dr. Reimer:  Sorry I’m late.  The phone rang just as I was leaving my office, one of these calls that’s hard to get away from.   Today we’re going to talk about the election of 1824.  We’ve talked about the Federalists and the Anti-Federalists which Jefferson renamed the Republicans.  Adams followed Washington as second president of the United States but Jefferson led the Republicans into office at the turn of the century.  He was succeeded by his Secretary of State, James Madison.  What happened during Madison’s eight years in office? 

Mack:  War with the British, War of 1812 which was fought in 1814. 

Dr. Reimer:  It began in 1812 and actually lasted until 1815.  But what happened politically?

Di:  The Federalists disappeared.  Jefferson’s Republican Party was the only political party left.  With no party differences, they called it the Era of Good Feeling. 

Mack:   With the British burning down the White House I would hardly refer to it as the Era of Good Feeling. 

Di:  I didn’t ask you to call it that. That’s what some historians called it. 

Mack:   Some historians are jerks. 

Dr. Reimer:  Thanks a lot, Mack.  I have written a textbook on this period.   And the Madison presidency was called the Era of Good Feeling.  I have a chapter called The Era of Good Feeling. 

Mack:   I have read it, Dr. Reimer.  I apologize.  I didn’t mean you were a jerk. 

Di:  Changing your tune now, Mack?  Time to polish the apple?

Mack  Look, lady, I’m not afraid to argue with the teacher when I think he needs straightened out.  I just didn’t mean to call him a jerk. 

Lynn  It takes one to know one. 

Dr. Reimer:   Time out!  I was just kidding Mack about calling me a jerk.  Actually, he’s right.  At least I think some historians are jerks just like some students are jerks but they are few and far between.  That’s not what this debate is about.  Mack, why do you feel this was not an era of good feeling?  It is true that we were at war but that term, Era of Good Feeling, had nothing to do with the war. It had to do with the political climate. 

Mack:  Right.  Forget the war. It still was not a time for feeling good, just because the Federalists became obsolete. 

Dr. Reimer:  Excellent point, Mack.  But since there were no Federalists to criticize, whom did the Republicans have to argue with?

Lynn  The same people they have to argue with today – each other. 

Dr. Reimer:  You’re right, Lynn — sort of.  The Republicans of 1824 weren’t Republicans as we know them today.  They were the forerunners of today’s Democrats.  The Republicans today call themselves the GOP.  What does that stand for?

Randi:  Grand Old Party.  

Dr. Reimer:   Right.  The Republicans trace their political genealogy to the original American political party, the Federalists – Washington and Adams. 

Randi: How can they do that if the Federalists were dead by Madison’s presidency? 

Dr. Reimer:   Good question.  Let’s try to answer that by explaining what happened in 1824 when – as Lynn points out – the Republicans started arguing with each other.  Some of them carried on the policies of the Federalists which later were adopted by the Whigs and then the new Republican Party that elected Abraham Lincoln president.  So it went from our day back to Lincoln to the Whigs to the National Republicans to some of the Republicans to the Federalists, the Grand Old Party.   Who were the candidates for President in 1824? 

Mack:   That idiot Andrew Jackson for one. 

Di:  Is everyone either a jerk or an idiot to you, Mack? 

Mack:  Jackson was both.  You ever heard what he did to the Indians?

Di:  Yeh, but you have to see things in context.  Yes, the Indians got a raw deal from Jackson’s treaty with them that resulted in the Trail of Tears, marching them from the Deep South to Oklahoma.  It is a sad story in American history.  But in those days the Indians were the enemy, seen by many as savages, and Jackson became an American frontier hero by fighting the Indians and signing that treaty that caused them to have to move. 

Mack:  That doesn’t make it right. 

Di:  It wasn’t right, Mack.  We can see that with our marvelous hindsight, not being involved in that ugly war, not losing our loved ones in the frontier conflicts.  But at the time, Andrew Jackson was the rough and tough man of the people, the man who protected us from the Indians. 

Dr. Reimer:  Thank you for this excellent summary of a period that really cannot be called an Era of Good Feeling.  Mack was right about that.  But back to the election, deciding who would replace Madison  as president.  Jackson was one candidate.  Was he the only one?

Di:  No, John Adams’ son, John Quincy Adams, was a candidate. 

Dr. Reimer:  That’s interesting.  John Adams really headed the Federalist Party because Washington wasn’t interested in party politics.  But here is Adams’  son running as a Republican.  Why?

Mack:   He had no choice.  The Federalist party was dead.  The Republicans had the only team on the field. 

Dr.  Reimer:  Right.  So we have Jackson and Adams.  Who else?

Jean:  The Speaker of the House, Henry Clay.  Didn’t he run several times.?

Dr. Reimer:  Indeed he did.  But this was his first try at the presidency.  I think I counted nine elections where he was considered a candidate although he didn’t get the nomination nine times.  One more candidate.  Who was he? 

Jay:   Hugh Crawford, but he came in fourth and died shortly after the election. 

Dr. Reimer: Very good. 

Jean:  That he died? 

Dr. Reimer:  No, that Jay knew so much about this also-ran.  We know who came in fourth.  Who won?

Lynn:    John Quincy Adams. 

Dr. Reimer:  Are you sure? 

Lynn:    I can prove it.   

Dr. Reimer:  Make your case. 

Lynn:   Back of the book. . . Chart 7B. . . The Presidents  Washington, John Adams, Jefferson, Madison and ta da dat da da JOHN QUINCY ADAMS. 

Mack:   He didn’t win.  Jackson did. 

Lynn:  Nope, he came in after Adams, the sixth president. . Jackson was the seventh president, even got his picture on the 20 dollar bill. 

Mack:    I don’t care if he got his picture on the three dollar bill.  More people, stupid as they are sometimes, voted for Jackson than Adams.

Dr. Reimer:  Is Mack right?  Lynn has the textbook to back him up.  Lynn must be right. 

Mack:  You have to read the textbook, not just the graphs and tables and charts. 

Dr. Reimer:  Mack is right. . . this time any way.   The chart is not wrong.  How can Mack be right? 

Di:  I didn’t think I would ever agree with Mack in a debate in this class, but he’s right.  Jackson won, Adams came in second, Clay was third and the other guy . . . 

Jay  Hugh Crawford. 

Di:  Yeh, Crawford, came in fourth. 

Jay  And then he died. 

Jean:    Right there, while they were counting the votes? 

Jay:  No, it was a few days later.  But he did die.  

Dr. Reimer:  Could we focus more on the election and less on Crawford’s death?

Jay:  Sorry. I just thought it was interesting. 

Dr. Reimer:  If Jackson won, why does the book say John Quincy Adams was the next president?

Di:  It was Alexander Hamilton’s fault. 

Mack:   Hamilton was killed years earlier in a duel with Aaron Burr, Jefferson’s vice president.  What did Hamilton have to do with the 1824 election, two decades after he died?

Dr. Reimer:  Dianne is right.  But I think I’ll let her explain. 

Di:  In the constitutional convention of 1787, Hamilton felt that since we didn’t have radio or tv and 90 percent of the people couldn’t read, they weren’t qualified to choose a president.  He suggested we vote for electors, local people we knew who we felt were smart enough to chose the president.  So the delegates to the convention approved his idea of an Electoral College.  The people choose electors and they select the president.   And we still have it today.  

Jay:    So? 

Di:  To get a person elected president, even today, a majority of the electors have to vote for him.  Otherwise,

The Stolen Kiss

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