Friends In Need

Friends In Need !

A comedy-farce in two acts

by

R. Eugene Jackson

Friends In Need

Copyright ©2004 by R. Eugene Jackson

All Rights Reserved

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CHARACTERS

Larry, a teenager with wings

Carie, a teenager with wings

Robin, about 17 years old

Jilly, her younger sister, about 13 years old

Thomas, Robin’s former boyfriend

Marvin, Robin’s younger brother, about 15 years old

Teen friends of Robin’s:

Joyce (She may also play the part of the Lion Tamer below)

Corinne (She may also play the part of the Lion below)

Babe (She may also play the part of the Cowgirl below)

Chakita (She may also play the part of the Bull below)

Local teens

Josephine (She may also play the part of a Clown below

Amber (She may also play the part of a Clown below)

Michelle 

July 

Donner (He may also play the part of a Police Officer below)

Paul (He may also play the part of a Police Officer below)

Brock

Others

(These characters may be played by the actors indicated above and as noted in the script or by different or new actors)

Lion Tamer

Lion

Cowgirl

Bull

Two clowns

Two police officers

The Roto-Sewer Man

TIME: The present

PLACE: Robin’s bedroom

NOTE

The names of characters may be changed to reflect the ethnic makeup of the cast.

Act One

(SCENE: A bedroom in a large, old house; the present. In the stage left wall is a door into the hallway. A floor screen or room divider stands near the up left wall blocking what is behind it. The bed with standard pillows and a spread is at up right, and there is a usable window in the stage right wall. There may be other furniture appropriate for a female teen’s bedroom, but no accessories are present.  

(AT RISE: LARRY and CARIE, two teenagers with wings on their backs are present. LARRY, who also wears a tool belt stocked with assorted, brightly-colored tools is working on the floor screen. CARIE dusts furniture with a feather duster or a cloth.)

CARIE: (She sings happily) La la la la la la…. Oh, Larry, this is so wonderful! A great big old house all to ourselves.

LARRY: Well, now that the Hooey sisters have moved out. (He ducks behind the screen and hammers something)

CARIE: We can come and go whenever we want. 

LARRY: I don’t think so. You want people to stare at your wings?

CARIE: I can cover them up.

LARRY: (He pokes his head from behind the screen) With what—a circus tent? They’re a little large for hiding under a blouse. Better yet, why don’t you just string colored lights on them and pretend you’re a used car lot? (He goes back to work)

CARIE: You make everything good seem so bad.

LARRY: (He comes from behind the screen and wipes his hands on a cloth) Carie, if everything bad was so good, how come we can’t go home?

CARIE: (More subdued) No luck with the portal? (She indicates the screen)

LARRY: You call this a portal? I call it a clogged up pipe.

CARIE: Is it usable?

LARRY: You can go in, but I can’t promise you what will come out.

CARIE: So we can’t go home?

LARRY: It’s not functioning right. If we tried to use it, anything could happen. We could end up in the next galaxy. We could fall into a parallel universe. We could even be flushed down the toilet. Who knows?

CARIE: One more try?

LARRY: (He shrugs) All right. (He pulls a device that looks like a TV remote control and presses one of its buttons. Loudly.) Carry us home!

(The lights flicker and wind sounds are heard)

CARIE: (She jumps up and down in glee) It’s working, it’s working!

(The flickering lights and the wind sounds stop)

LARRY: It’s not working, it’s not working.

CARIE: (Deflated) And that, dear Larry, is why we must be happy with this great big old empty house. (She sings cheerily) La la la la la la…. (She sits. Sadly.) But I can’t be happy here. I wanna go home!

LARRY: If I could just figure out what’s clogging it up. (He places the control device on the floor as he checks the screen again)

(They stop in shock when they hear loud noises offstage left, like the sounds of boxes dropping and something breaking, along with voices)

CARIE: What’s that?

ROBIN: (Angrily from offstage left) But I don’t want to like it here. 

JILLY: You have to like it here. You don’t have any choice.

LARRY: Voices! Human voices!

ROBIN: I do, I do.

JILLY: Oh, yeah? Well, what choice? What choice do you have?

ROBIN: I could, I could refuse to go inside.

JILLY: Robin, you’re already inside!

CARIE: I thought they moved away.

LARRY: Apparently somebody else is moving in.

JILLY: (From off left) Your room is upstairs.

ROBIN: I’m not going up there.

CARIE: She’s not coming up here.

JILLY: Oh, yes, you are.

LARRY: Yes, she is.

ROBIN: I’m not.

CARIE: She’s not.

JILLY: You are.

LARRY: She are. I mean, she is. Quick, out the window!

CARIE: The portal. We can use the portal.

LARRY: It’s not safe. The window. Come on. Hurry. (He pushes her to the window, leaving behind his special device) Out the window!

CARIE: (As he shoves her through the window) Look out for my wings!

LARRY: Well, get smaller ones next time.

(They climb outside, leaving the window open)

ROBIN: (From offstage left while CARIE and LARRY are exiting) I’m never going to like it here. Never, never, never! I’m going to hate it. I’m going to loathe and despise it. 

JILLY: (From off left) You’ll love and adore it.

ROBIN: (From off left) How many stairs is that? Thirteen? It’s thirteen. Bad luck. I told you I was going to hate it. (She enters and looks around. In her mid-teens, she is dressed accordingly.) I hate this bedroom. I hate these walls. I hate this floor. (To JILLY) I knew I was going to hate it. (She rushes to the bed and throws herself across it) I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. (She sobs)

JILLY: (ROBIN’s younger sister, she enters and looks around, ignoring ROBIN’s attitude) I love it, I love it, I love it. Think of it this way: You have your own room, and I have my own room. No more rooming together. You’re crying in absolute delight–right?

ROBIN: I’m not crying.

JILLY: You sound like you’re crying.

ROBIN: I’m sobbing.

JILLY: What’s the difference?

ROBIN: Well, I don’t know. Crying is, you know, being sorry about something. And sobbing is showing grief. So how about letting me sob in private, okay?

JILLY: What’s there to grieve about? New town, new house—bigger town, bigger house. Lots of rooms for exploring. 

ROBIN: I don’t care about those things. I want our old house. (Pause) I want our old school, my old friends.

JILLY: Well, unless you are willing to commute a thousand miles every day, you better get used to this new place. 

ROBIN: It’s not a thousand miles. It’s only five hundred.

JILLY: (Sarcastically) Oh, well, gee, Robin, a mere five hundred miles. You can bicycle that far.

ROBIN: (Hopefully) You think so?

JILLY: No! Come to your senses. You don’t even have a bicycle.

ROBIN: I could buy one.

JILLY: Where would you get the money?

ROBIN: I could borrow one.

JILLY: From whom?

ROBIN: I could steal one.

JILLY: Robin! You want to go to jail?

ROBIN: It couldn’t be any worse than this place.

JILLY: Jail food is nothing but swill filled with suspicious lumps and roach wings.

ROBIN: All right. I wouldn’t like jail.

JILLY: So get used to this place—even though it has its oddities as well.

ROBIN: Oddities?

JILLY: You haven’t noticed? The floor squeaks, the ceilings groan, the shutters clang.

ROBIN: This house doesn’t have shutters.

JILLY: (She revels in telling this) Well, something clangs. I tell you, this place is full of ghosts.

ROBIN: Oh, Jilly.

JILLY: And creepy things crawling in the walls.

ROBIN: Stop it.

JILLY: Chains rattling, bones clattering against each other.

ROBIN: That’s my knees shaking.

JILLY: Because you’re frightened?

ROBIN: No. Because I want to go home!

JILLY: Oh. And did I tell you about the huge attic?

ROBIN: Huge attic? 

JILLY: Yeah. You know—as in…huge.

ROBIN: You’ve already been up there?

JILLY: While you were still moping in the car. Well, anyway, I peeked. It was too scary to actually go into it. 

ROBIN: You’re trying to frighten me.

JILLY: (In a mysterious tone) I am frightening you.

ROBIN: Well, stop it.

JILLY: (Ignoring her) It was dark and spooky and spider-webby.

ROBIN: (She turns her head into the bed and sobs again) Whaaaaaah! I don’t like it.

JILLY: Well, I’m a little worried about that part myself. The place reeks of scariness.

ROBIN: The attic?

JILLY: The whole house. (She scans the room) Well, at least you don’t have to worry about skeletons in your closet.

ROBIN: Why not?

JILLY: No closet.

ROBIN: What? (She walks around the room) You’re right.

JILLY: As usual.

ROBIN: Where am I supposed to hang my clothes? 

JILLY: Why hang them? Just put them where you usually do—on the floor.

ROBIN: I’ve got to have a closet. I can’t live in a room that doesn’t have a closet.

JILLY: There’s nothing here but this floor screen. (She looks behind it)

ROBIN: What’s behind it?

JILLY: A wall.

ROBIN: Not a closet?

JILLY: A solid wall. (She pulls the screen aside revealing the wall. Then she replaces the screen.)

ROBIN: It looks like a wall.

JILLY: If it looks like a wall and walks like a wall, it’s a wall. (She picks up the device that LARRY left behind) What’s this?

ROBIN: A child’s toy?

JILLY: (She smiles) No. I think it’s a futuristic ray gun.

ROBIN: Don’t be silly. (JILLY points it at her) Hey! Never point anything that’s futuristic.

JILLY: Oh, it can’t hurt you. What’s this button for? (She presses it)

(There is a loud buzz or popping sound that appears to come from the device)

JILLY: (Frightened by it, she drops it as if it has turned hot and runs to another part of the room) Aeeeiiii! 

ROBIN: Yaaaaiiii! You shot me! You shot me! (She falls to the floor)

JILLY: (As she composes herself) I didn’t shoot you. That was just probably…some noisy ghosts in the attic. Or something.

ROBIN: It sounded like it came from that thing.

JILLY: Impossible.

ROBIN: You didn’t shoot me?

JILLY: With a child’s toy? (She picks up the item and places it on a table)

ROBIN: (As she rises from the floor) Okay. I’m not shot. You’re sure I’m not shot?

JILLY: You’re still breathing.

ROBIN: And still at a loss about what to do about storage space.

JILLY: Trade rooms with me.

ROBIN: Why?

JILLY: I’ve got a closet.

MARVIN: Your room is a closet. Or was a closet. Before it was your room.

JILLY: In that case, my closet has a closet. (To ROBIN) So we switch.

ROBIN: No switching. I’ve got lots of room up here for sleepovers.

JILLY: Who’s going to be sleeping over?

ROBIN: My friends. (She thinks) Except I don’t have any friends here. (She wails) I wanna go hooooome!

JILLY: Robin? Jilly to Robin. Hey, girl!

ROBIN: (Angrily) What?

JILLY: Dad gets a new job in a new town. We sell our old house and buy a new one. What are you gonna do—stay in our old town and live in a tree with birds and bugs as neighbors? Huh? Or maybe you would prefer setting up housing under the expressway. This is our beautiful new—if mildly frightening—abode. Think of the future, not the past. 

ROBIN: But I had a boyfriend. 

JILLY: You call Thomas a boyfriend? I call him a mutt.

ROBIN: A mutt? You mean, like a dog?

JILLY: Yeah. Every time he was around you, he would pant like a mutt. (She demonstrates panting)

ROBIN: That’s because he liked me.

JILLY: He also drooled.

ROBIN: He was hungry.

JILLY: Every minute of every day?

ROBIN: He liked to eat.

JILLY: Yeah, well, I like to sing, but I take a break every once in a while.

ROBIN: I don’t care what you say, Thomas was handsome….

JILLY: Handsome?! (She picks up the device and turns it over and over)

ROBIN: Thoughtful.

JILLY: Thoughtful?!

ROBIN: And he loved me and only me.

JILLY: Robin, there were only two girls who would look at him twice. You and Myrtle, his pet turtle.

ROBIN: The perfect boyfriend.

JILLY: A slob.

ROBIN: Well-dressed.

JILLY: He wore the same shirt for a week.

ROBIN: It was a nice shirt.

JILLY: Until he wore it for a week. Then it smelled like, like…like he had worn it for a week.

ROBIN: (She sighs) Thomas! I want to see Thomas.

JILLY: The mutt—the panting, drooling mutt. Okay, sure. This button says “Appear.” So…Thomas the mutt, appear! (She presses the button)

(The lights flicker and wind sounds are heard)

ROBIN: What was that?

JILLY: The ghosts in the attic.

(The floor screen shakes)

ROBIN: (Pointing at it) J-j-jilly, look!

JILLY: The g-g-ghosts in your room!

ROBIN: You did something with that thing in your hands.

JILLY: I did not.

(THOMAS enters from behind the screen. The wind sounds and the flickering lights stop. He is a horrible slob. His hair and face are a mess, his clothes are over-sized and filthy, and his dirty and holey sneakers are huge. He wipes his nose with his shirt sleeve and gives a big snort. He carries some typing paper and a book.)

ROBIN: T-t-thomas?

JILLY: The mutt has followed us! How did he do that?

THOMAS: (He gives a silly grin to ROBIN. He never looks at or speaks to JILLY.) Hey, Robin. (He starts to pant loudly)

JILLY: (To ROBIN) You see? Panting.

(His tongue hangs out as he pants louder)

JILLY: You see? Drooling.

THOMAS: (To ROBIN) I’ve been waiting for you to call me. But you haven’t called me.

ROBIN: But, but, Thomas, where did you come from? I mean, you know, like where?

THOMAS: I thought you might want to take me to a movie on Saturday night. I mean, if I’m available.

JILLY: Where did he come from? (She looks behind the floor screen) It’s still a solid wall back here.

THOMAS: I’d pay for things, but I think it’s your turn.

ROBIN: I paid last week.

THOMAS: Well, all right. I’ll let you take my turn. You can pay for two weeks in a row.

JILLY: (She goes to the door and looks out into the hallway) And behind that solid wall is…outside.

THOMAS: But, to save a little, we can share the popcorn and soda.

ROBIN: You’re going to buy the refreshments?

THOMAS: Hey, didn’t we just agree that it was your turn to pay?

JILLY: Don’t share anything with him unless you want to catch what he’s got.

ROBIN: And what’s that?

JILLY: The creepy cruds. I mean, you don’t want to eat from a popcorn box that he’s put his clammy hands into. 

ROBIN: You are so critical.

JILLY: Well, let me be critical about something else. He’s not here.

ROBIN: What are you talking about? You see him, don’t you?

JILLY: And worse yet, I smell him.

ROBIN: Then he’s here.

JILLY: Okay, so maybe he’s here, but he’s not real.

THOMAS: (To ROBIN) So, do you want to go to the movie or not? I can get another date, you know.

JILLY: Yeah–with Myrtle the turtle.

THOMAS: I’ll drive. If you give me some money for gas. And if my old man will let me. And if you don’t tell anybody my temporary license was revoked.

ROBIN: Why don’t we just walk?

THOMAS: Because when we walk, there’s no back seat to make out in.

JILLY: (To ROBIN) So he can drip drool on your blouse. 

THOMAS: Oh, and here’s a book and some paper. I need an essay for English on Monday. Can you have it done a little early so I can look it over before I hand it in?

ROBIN: (She takes the book and paper) I guess.

THOMAS: The last time, teach asked me some questions about it, and I didn’t know the answers.

JILLY: Maybe you should try doing your own papers, Thomas the Mutt. Then you would know what’s in them. (Pause) On the other hand, maybe you wouldn’t.

THOMAS: She had the nerve to give me an “F” on it.

JILLY: That’s because there was nothing lower.

THOMAS: So how are you doing, Robin?

ROBIN: Well, since we’ve moved, I….

THOMAS: Yeah, yeah. You haven’t asked me about me yet.

ROBIN: Well, I haven’t exactly been able to get a word in….

THOMAS: Don’t you want to know how I’m doing?

ROBIN: I guess so.

THOMAS: Well, I was thinking about going out for football last week.

ROBIN: Yeah, and?

THOMAS: Coach said football season was over.

ROBIN: Really?

THOMAS: Yeah. I was glad of that. I don’t like being hit.

JILLY: Silly of you to worry about that, Thomas. If he let you on the team, you’d be first-string bench-warmer. They don’t hit bench-warmers. Usually.

THOMAS: I’m real good at sports, you know.

ROBIN: Yeah?

THOMAS: I hit a grand slam once.

ROBIN: What’s that?

THOMAS: (Pause. He thinks.) You, uh, don’t know what a grand slam is?

ROBIN: No.

THOMAS: Well, it’s, uh, when you make three, uh, baskets in a row. I think.

JILLY: (To ROBIN) This is your boyfriend? 

ROBIN: (To JILLY) Maybe “boyfriend” is too strong a word.

JILLY: Robin, come here. Come on. Come here. (They move away from THOMAS)

THOMAS: Or you could just pick me up in a cab. They have back seats.

ROBIN: What? What is it?

JILLY: I think we’re dreaming.

ROBIN: Dreaming?

JILLY: All right; we’re night-maring. See, this isn’t happening. It can’t be. I mean, Thomas-the-Mutt can’t walk through solid walls, and he can’t be here when he’s got to be back where we came from. Don’t you see? That’s not Thomas.

(ROBIN glances at THOMAS, who snorts and rubs his nose with his sleeve)

ROBIN: No. That’s Thomas, all right.

JILLY: All right, all right. Let’s, uh, get rid of him then. How about that?

ROBIN: How do we do that?

THOMAS: Or a limo. Hey, yeah. I’ve never been in a limo. Can you get a limo for Saturday night? (He smiles big) They have big back seats!

JILLY: How do you usually do it?

ROBIN: I scream. (She opens her mouth to scream)

JILLY: (Covers her mouth with her hand) Mom and dad are downstairs. I don’t think we want them to know you’ve got a boy in your room—already.

ROBIN: (Removes JILLY’s hand) Right. Then what?

JILLY: Simple. We tell him to go. Thomas, you’ve got to leave now.

THOMAS: (Ignoring her) Or a bus. Buses have a bunch of back seats.

JILLY: Didn’t work. 

ROBIN: It never worked for me either. Sure you don’t want me to scream?

JILLY: (She looks at the device in her hand) No, wait. This thing. This thing in my hand. I pressed this button and he appeared. So, if I press another button, he will disappear.

ROBIN: How do you know which button to push?

JILLY: The one that says “Disappear.”

ROBIN: Well, give it a try.

JILLY: Here goes. (She points it at THOMAS) Thomas, disappear. (She presses the button)

THOMAS: (As he begins to shake a little) Hey! What goes?

JILLY: (Apprehensive) I’m…I’m not sure.

ROBIN: Don’t hurt him.

THOMAS: Something’s happening here.

JILLY: It sure is.

ROBIN: It’s not working.

(The lights flicker and wind sounds are heard as a surprised THOMAS moans as he appears to be pulled off behind the screen. ROBIN covers her eyes. The flickering lights and wind sounds stop.)

ROBIN: (As she looks up) Is that it? Is he gone?

JILLY: (She looks around) Well, he’s not here.

ROBIN: I can’t believe that he was actually my boyfriend. I mean, I don’t remember him like that at all. He’s a total slob.

JILLY: You’ve only just now recognized that?

ROBIN: I guess so.

JILLY: You need some good psychotherapy. (She tosses the device onto the bed) 

(MARVIN, their 15 year old, immaculately dressed and groomed, brother, enters at left carrying a huge heap of suitcases and boxes piled above his head)

MARVIN: (Trying to balance the boxes) Which I will be happy to administer. For a small fee.

JILLY: Marvin, you don’t know anything about psychotherapy.

MARVIN: Well, that’s to your benefit. Because, if I did, I’d charge a big fee. 

ROBIN: No, thanks.

JILLY: A brother does not administer psychotherapy to his own sister. Besides, you’re a male, and girls do not tell their innermost secrets to men.

MARVIN: (Grunting under the weight) Just trying to help. Robin? What do you want me to do with your things?

ROBIN: Just put them anywhere.

MARVIN: Be more precise. I can’t place them “anywhere.” They have to be “somewhere.”

ROBIN: I don’t care.

MARVIN: I don’t know where “I don’t care” is.

JILLY: On the floor, Marvin. Do you know where the floor is?

MARVIN: I can’t see it, but it’s usually just under my feet.

JILLY: Then that’s where you put the bags.

MARVIN: (He loses his balance) Ohhhh! (The boxes fall to the floor) 

ROBIN: (She screams and jumps up) Ahhhh! Marvin, you dropped them—my precious…whatever!

MARVIN: Did they hit the floor?

ROBIN: Yes.

MARVIN: Well, then mission accomplished. (Pause) Shall I unpack them for you?

ROBIN: (She runs to the boxes and lies over them, protecting them from him) Don’t you dare! 

MARVIN: Just trying to be of service.

JILLY: Marvin, be of service, but never open a woman’s bag.

MARVIN: Just trying to help the ladies of the house.

(They move the boxes and bags aside)

ROBIN: Why?

MARVIN: Why what?

ROBIN: Why are you helping us? It’s unnatural for a brother to help his sisters.

MARVIN: I am also a gentleman.

ROBIN: (To JILLY) I think I liked Thomas better.

JILLY: Robin, grow up. Thomas was a slob. (She indicates MARVIN) Marvin is a…well, a go-fer.

MARVIN: A gopher that digs in the ground?

JILLY: No. A go-fer: go fer this, go fer that. A go-fer. (To ROBIN) Though, in all honesty, he’s a well-groomed go-fer.

MARVIN: And a gentleman.

ROBIN/JILLY: (Pause. Then in unison.) I think I liked Thomas better.

MARVIN: But you’re never going to see him again. And I’ll be around forever.

ROBIN: You’re trying to scare me—right? I don’t want you around forever. In fact, you can leave now.

(MARVIN holds out his hand)

ROBIN: What’s that for?

MARVIN: A tip. Don’t I deserve a tip?

ROBIN: Here’s the tip of the day, Marvin: get lost.

MARVIN: Well! (He looks around) I guess it is possible to get lost in this big old place. There are lots of cubby holes and little rooms and… (He pauses)

JILLY: And what?

MARVIN: Isn’t this strange?

JILLY: What? What’s strange?

MARVIN: No closet.

ROBIN: We know that, Marvin.

MARVIN: There must be twenty closets in this house, but not a single one in this room. Nothing but this room divider. (He looks behind it) Which isn’t dividing the room. What’s it doing here?

JILLY: I think the goblins left it.

MARVIN: (Slightly frightened) Goblins? What goblins?

ROBIN: The ones in Jilly’s twisted mind. Don’t listen to her.

Friends In Need

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