The Gangster Priest

The Gangster Priest

A Comedy in Two Acts

By 

Peg Herring

The Gangster Priest

Copyright ©2005 by Peg Herring

All Rights Reserved

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CAST

Baby Tremaine-star at Club “L”Egant: could sing a number for the opening 

Liam O’Malley-owner of the club; leader of “Gang” 

Michael Larkin-Liam’s right-hand man 

Wanda-club janitor: could sing at the end of Act I

Sidney-twin in Santini’s gang

Simon-twin in Santini’s gang

Betty-one of the dancers 

Barbie-another dancer 

Mrs. Becker-sweet-looking little old lady who’s meaner than dirt

Ellie Tremaine-all-business sister of Baby

Miss Pruitt-Ellie’s secretary

Kokomo-thug with a heart of gold 

Ears-moved from Buffalo to Lucky’s gang a few months ago, is learning the dictionary

Cecilia-shady lady who likes Lucky

Uncle Wilbur-uncle of Ellie and Baby; man of many characters-and cons 

Mandrake-Cecilia’s silent servant*

Gigi-dumb girl from the club

Lily-another dumb girl from the club

Waiter-guy/girl who works at the club

Elevator operator-small woman with a big mouth

Newspaper vendor

Various extras: customers, crowd, gangsters

*Mandrake may have a running bit whenever the house scene is on: he goes across the stage pulling various ropes, chains, etc., never revealing what is on the other end.  The actors ignore him.  Just before the wedding scene at the end, CECILIA takes the rope away from him, goes offstage in disgust, and brings him out whatever might be funny {we used a kitten}.  At that point Mandrake smiles for the first time in the show. 

Costumes:  The play takes place in the early thirties, so men wear suits with hats.  Ladies wear dresses of the time, gloves and hats when outside.  Entertainers’ costumes should be showy.

Other:  Two songs may be included if desired: Baby, Barbie, and Betty can do a whole number as an opener or just be finishing up as the curtain opens, and Wanda’s number at the end of Act I could be a lip sync or a solo.

SETS: Simplest idea is a revolving set with the house on one side and the club on the other.  Other sets can be a few items on a bare stage or in a spotlight at one side.

Sets: Act I

Scene i-: the club stage (raised if possible) w/several tables and chairs set before it. Sign on the wall: Club “L” egant, dim lighting

Scene ii- Ellie’s office {sideset}simply a chair and a desk with folders and ledgers on it.

Scene iii- club after the last show; lights up 

Scene iv-Cecilia’s house: tacky with lots of red velvet, a large window, some chairs, a sofa

Scene v-the club backstage, dim lighting, empty space with a few odds and ends: rope, piles of clothes, boxes, etc.

Scene vi-house rearranged to priest’s home; large desk before window, religious symbols

Scene vii-house, next day

Scene viii- hotel elevator (sideset)  A large box with two sliding panels for doors

Scene ix – house

Scene x-club

Sets:  Act II

Scene i-elevator

Scene ii-house {garden if desired}

Scene iii-house

Scene iv-house, later

Scene v-club

Scene vi-house

Scene vii-train station-bare stage with a few directional signs, a ticket kiosk, etc.

Scene viii-wedding chapel-bare stage with a simple altar, flowers, and chairs (brought on by the cast as they enter.)

Act I

Scene one: an illegal club in the last days of Prohibition. The Club “L”Egant  is owned by Liam O’Malley, head of the O’Malley Gang, such as it is. Seated at a table DR is LARKIN, watching the show in which BABY, BETTY, and BARBIE perform in costumes suited to the era and the director’s taste.  As the song ends, the girls go off except for BABY, who joins LARKIN.  WAITERS & CUSTOMERS come and go.

Larkin:  That was great, as usual, Baby. 

Baby:  Thanks, Michael.  We worked really hard on it. {She speaks automatically.}

Larkin:  Baby, did I do something wrong?

Baby:  Oh, Michael, I could never be mad at you. I just have something I need to work out.

Larkin:  Tell me all about it, honey.  I can fix anything.

Baby:  Not this time, you can’t.

Larkin:  Hey, would “Lucky” O’Malley depend on me if I couldn’t get things done?

{MRS. BECKER comes over, a sweet-looking old lady who is meaner than dirt.She carries a box of cigars, mints, and other small items for sale.}

Becker:  {In Michael’s face} Cigar?

Larkin:  {Patiently; he’s done this before.} No thanks, Mrs. Becker; I don’t smoke.

Becker:  Mint?

Larkin:  I bought some from you an hour ago.

Becker:  Flower for your girlfriend?

Larkin:  {Sigh}  Sure, I’ll buy a flower.  How much?

Becker:  A dollar.

Larkin:  A dollar!  I can get one down the street for a nickel!

Becker:  {Shouts} Cheapskate!  Skinflint! {Kicks LARKIN’s shins, beats at him.}

Larkin:  Mrs. Becker! Mrs. Becker! Here! Here’s a dollar; now calm down!

{SHE smiles and goes off.  As the scene progresses, she does the same to other tables in pantomime, throwing a fit, getting money and going happily on.}

Kokomo:  {Approaches table} Sorry, Mike. Old lady Becker got past me.

Larkin:  That’s okay, Kokomo. You can’t watch her all the time.

Kokomo:  If she wasn’t an old lady…{Pounds fist into hand} Nice number, Baby.

Baby:  Thanks, Kokomo.  {Thoughtful} Michael, I never asked before, but some of the girls say Lucky is a gangster.  Now I know this place sells booze, and that isn’t legal-

Larkin:  {Reciting his spiel} Prohibition unfairly withholds the right of the people to the libation of their choice. We provide recourse for those with the courage to stand against tyranny.

Baby:  Like I said, we serve illegal booze.

Larkin:  Right.

Kokomo:  It ain’t really illegal, it’s just booze that the law says we can’t serve.

Larkin:  That makes it illegal, Koko.

Kokomo:  {Dimly} Oh, I see.

Baby:  So are you gangsters?   Do you hurt people or rob banks like John Dillinger?

Larkin:  {Uncomfortable} Baby, if you really want me to answer, I will.

Kokomo:  Go ahead, Mike.  I wanna know if we’re like Dillinger, ‘cause I hear he’s a bad guy.

Baby:  Michael, we’re gonna be married, right?

Larkin:  You know it, Dollface.

Baby:  Then I need to know all about you.  I can keep a secret. {Crosses heart}

Larkin:  No matter what the secret is?

Baby:  {Emphatic} I’m not the smartest, Michael, but I am a True Blue Woman.

Larkin:  Okay. {Looks around first.} We are kinda like gangsters, but we ain’t really.

Baby:  I don’t get it.

Kokomo:  He said we’re kinda like gangsters, but we ain’t really gangsters. {Pause} I don’t get it neither.

Larkin:  Once Lucky was just a club owner with me as his right-hand man.  We were legit. 

Kokomo:  Yeah, people came to hear music and show off their fur coats, and…

Baby:  Kinda like now.

Kokomo:  Yeah.  Only without the gin.

Larkin:  Then this guy from Buffalo came into town, Willie Santini. 

Kokomo:  Yeah, Willie Santini-he was something!

Larkin:  Willie was looking to take over Maynard.  He threatened businessmen in town and beat up people who tried to stand up to him. 

Kokomo:  He even threatened to shoot old lady Becker over there.

Baby:  Our cigar lady?

Kokomo:  Yeah.  Not that a bullet wouldn’t improve her personality. 

Larkin:  But she’s one of our people, and it upset Lucky.

Baby:  So what’d he do?

Larkin:  What could we do?  Willie had a gang, and we had the same weird assortment we have now.    

Kokomo:  Lucky gives a lot of poor slobs employment, but they ain’t all efficient like Mike and me!  

Larkin:  Lucky arranged a meeting with Santini, who arrived with this mean-looking bodyguard. Willie started telling how he was gonna own the town and if we tried anything, we’d end up in a Great Lake-

Kokomo:  I remember!  That’s when Clarence came in!

Baby:  Who’s Clarence?

Larkin:  Clarence is a monkey Lucky used to have, a cute little guy, but into everything. 

Kokomo:  Clarence comes in and sits on the desk, and Willie says, “Look, it’s another Irishman; now there’s three of ’em!” 

Larkin:  We don’t know if Clarence didn’t like his voice or what, but that little monkey grabbed the bodyguard’s gun right out of the holster and shot Willie in the heart.

Baby:  Oh, my goodness!

Kokomo:  Then before we could stop him, Clarence shot the stooge with Willie, killed him too.

Baby:  What did you do?

Larkin:  We were scared.  We had two dead hoods and a gang ready to turn our little town to dirt. 

Kokomo:  But Mike here had a brilliant idea, and he convinced Lucky to go along.  We announced that Lucky had rubbed out Willie and had started his own gang.

Larkin:  Everybody in town either believes it or pretends to, letting on like they’re scared of us. 

Kokomo:  I think they kinda like the drama of it, y’know?

Larkin:  We started selling illegal booze to make our gang more convincing.  And we act like real bent-nose types. {Demonstrates}  

Kokomo:  That was years ago, and nobody from the big gangs has bothered us since. 

Baby:  So you’re gangsters who aren’t really gangsters!

Larkin:  {Pleased} That’s us. 

Baby:  What happened to Clarence? 

Larkin:  We sent him to a zoo in St. Louis.  When the cops questioned us about Willie’s death, we could honestly tell them that the one who did it is locked up for life. 

Kokomo:  We just didn’t tell them Clarence is a monkey!  Nobody around here liked Santini much anyway. {MRS. BECKER makes a fuss at a table toward the back.} Excuse me.  If she wasn’t an old lady I’d shoot her in the foot. 

{KOKOMO moves off to deal with her. As the scene continues, HE carries BECKER offstage. GUESTS move off, LIGHTS dim as the place closes.  BARBIE and BETTY enter.}

Barbie:  Hey, Baby!  The mayor loved the number!  He might come back again tomorrow.

Betty:  Now Barbie, you know that man is Mr. Smith from Seattle.  It couldn’t possibly be the mayor visiting an illegal gin joint!

Barbie:  Oh, right, Betty, I forgot.  Mr. Smith from Seattle says that I understand him much better than the mayor’s wife does. {THEY go off giggling}

Larkin:  I told you my story; aren’t you going to tell me yours?

Baby:  I don’t think you can help, but okay. {Big sigh}  I came here last year from Buffalo, right?

Larkin:  A lucky day for me!

Baby:   I came to attend Miss Mavis Allegan’s Fine Academy for Girls.

Larkin:  Who’s what?

Baby:  It’s a school where I was supposed to become a managerial assistant.

Larkin:  You?

Baby:  It was my sister’s idea.  But I always wanted to sing and dance.  So I-I-lied to my sister.

Larkin: {Begins to see} O-o-oh.  You told her you were going to this Miss Mabel’s-

Baby:  Mavis.  My sister thinks I spent the last 13 months learning to be a woman of business.

Larkin:  And if she knew you’re really a nightclub singer…

Baby:  {Sniffs} It would break her heart. Ellie is the loveliest, most genteel lady in the world, and she wants me to have a sophisticated, genteel life like hers!  

{WANDA enters with mop bucket, etc., cleaning up. SHE notices BABY’s tears and glares at LARKIN.}

Wanda:  Here, now, sweetie.  Has this big lug done somethin’ to upset you? Cuz if he did… 

Larkin:  No, Wanda, I didn’t do anything, honest!

Baby:  Wanda, it’s not Michael, really.

Wanda:  What’s the matter, then?

Baby:  It’s just…family problems.

Wanda:  I know all about that.  I’ve got a brother that drives me crazy.  But it’s like Edward, Prince of Wales used to tell me: you can’t let your family run your life.  I bet when Eddie is king he tells the whole royal family to go packing; he’s that kind of a guy.

Larkin:  Wanda, you’ve got a lot of work to do, and we need to talk.  Could you clean over there? 

Wanda:  Sure, sure.  This place ain’t so big, though, I’ll be done in two shakes.  Now when I used to work at the Paladium in London…

Baby:  You cleaned at the Paladium?   I hear it’s really something!

Wanda:  I didn’t exactly clean it, but never mind, I’m interrupting. {Exit} 

Larkin:  {Back to the point}  So you’ve been stringing your sister along.  Does this mean she doesn’t know about us getting married?

Baby:  Well, yes! I could never let marriage get in the way of my career!

Larkin:  So when were you gonna tell her?

Baby:  I don’t know!  But I got this letter today. {unfolds letter} She’s coming to visit!

Larkin:  {Takes letter and reads:} Dearest Sister Mildred: {Looks at Baby quizzically} Mildred?

Baby:  {Defensive} I would have told you before we got married.

Larkin:  Mildred.  I like it. 

Baby:  Do you really?

Larkin:  Yeah, I do-Millie! {Chucks her on the chin gently.}

Baby:  You can keep calling me Baby.  It’s better for my career on the stage.

Larkin:  {Reads}  “I’m pleased to write that I have business in Maynard which allows me to visit with you and your new employer, Father O’Meara.  I am anxious to meet him and his household since you’ve told me so much about them.” {Looks at BABY.}

Baby:  It was a one-year course, and I didn’t want to go home, so I told her I got a job with a priest.  I figured that would be safe.

Larkin:  …And this priest has a household.

Baby:  Oh, yes, he’s very high up in the church, almost a bishop.  He has assistants, a chauffeur, a cook, a butler, a housekeeper, maid- 

Larkin:  No gardener?

Baby:  Uh, the gardener comes in once a week. {Defensive again} I had to make it good, or she’d want me to come home and take a job at the shipping company she runs.

Larkin:  But now she’s coming here.

Baby:  She’s gonna be so mad at me!  I’ll have to quit the club and go back to Buffalo!

Larkin:  Baby, you’re a grownup!  Tell your sister you’ll do as you like.

Baby:  You don’t understand!  Ellie gave up everything to give me a good start in life.  And I-I’m just a rat!  I deserve to live in Buffalo!

Larkin:  But what about us?

Baby:  There might not be any us, Michael.  I have to make things right with Ellie.

Larkin:  Look, we have a week.  Let me work on it. And try not to worry, okay, Lemon-drop?

Baby:  {Tries to smile.} Okay, Michael.  If you say so.

Larkin:  When Michael Larkin says he’ll think of something, bet on it.  {Exeunt}

BLACKOUT

Scene two-: Sideset: ELLIE’s office. SHE and PRUITT discuss plans for a trip.

Ellie:  We take the train Thursday morning at six fifteen.  Shall I send a car for you?

Pruitt:  Certainly not! I will walk.   It’s only twelve blocks. 

Ellie:  Pruitt, I can’t let you walk all that way lugging your suitcases.

Pruitt:   Suitcase!  No sense carrying a lot of extra baggage.  And I walk at least that far every morning anyway, as a constitutional. 

Ellie:  But carrying your suitcase…

Pruitt:  I will change hands after six blocks to get an equitable amount of exercise.

Ellie:  {Resigned} All right, Pruitt.  If that’s what you want.

Pruitt:  It is, thank you, Miss Tremaine.  I will be there at six sharp.

Ellie:  I hope things go well on this trip.  I’m anxious to see how my sister is doing.

Pruitt:  {Fondly} I hope this Father O’Meara appreciates what a jewel Mildred is.  After all, a priest is still a man, and therefore likely to be lacking in brain matter!

Ellie:  Millie says this one is beloved by the whole town.  He sounds like a nice old gentleman.

Pruitt:  The older, the better, I say.  Takes a little of the starch out of  ’em.

Ellie:  Work took up so much of my life that I feel I never paid enough attention to my sister. 

Pruitt:  You were young when you took over, and look how much you’ve done for the orphanage.

Ellie:  I didn’t have much choice.  It was part of the package.

Pruitt:  Despite working too hard, you’ve been wonderful to Mildred, who loves you very much.

Ellie:  I want her to be happy, whatever she does. Speaking of business, how did the Lawiers do?

Pruitt:  They phoned to say everything is going well.

Ellie:  Good.  I’ll want to see what they’ve got on Friday, after I see Millie.

Pruitt:  {Makes a note.} Now, you have a meeting with Councilman Carlson this afternoon.

Ellie:  Carlson, again?

Pruitt:  I believe he’s sweet on you!  It wouldn’t hurt to let a man take you out once in a while.  If you keep working all the time, you’re going to end up an old maid!

Ellie:  You never married, Pruitt, and you don’t mind it.  Do you?

Pruitt:  Oh, marriage wasn’t for me, but you’re still young!  Now Carlson is an idiot, but he may represent the best one can find in a male nowadays. {Ponders}  What ever happened to the real men: strong, rugged ones who aren’t afraid to let a woman know she’s attractive? {Back to business.} Carlson likes you, but he’s very slow about asking you to marry him.

Ellie:  Marry that pest?  Don’t make me laugh!  Can’t we tell him I’ve left town already?

Pruitt:  {Shakes her head.} A week early?  I’ll give him ten minutes then interrupt with an important call.

Ellie:  That would be great, Pruitt.  Thanks.  Buzz me when he arrives, and I’ll prepare a smile that looks genuine. {PRUITT leaves as ELLIE goes to work.} BLACKOUT

Scene three: The club is now closed.  LUCKY and LARKIN talk as LUCKY counts money.  LARKIN paces.  KOKOMO cleans his nails with a huge knife.

Larkin:  So Baby spent most of the night crying, and she says we can’t get married. 

Lucky:  That’s too bad.  She’s a great kid, and you two look good together.

Kokomo:  This sister sounds like an old prune! 

Larkin:  Yeah.  {Sticks his nose in the air.} She wouldn’t approve of Baby singing in a club.  I’d like to tell that dame what I think of people who look down on other people!

Kokomo:  Yeah.  If an honest living ain’t good enough for her…

Lucky:  Singing in a speakeasy might not be an honest living to some, boys.

Kokomo:  I think Baby does a swell job.  Maybe if her sister saw the show, she would enjoy it.

Lucky:  Enjoy seeing her sister inappropriately dressed with a bunch of drunks leering at her?

Kokomo:  Well, half of her is dressed very nice, I think, don’t you?

Lucky:  If a solid citizen sent her sister to finishing school and thought that same sister was employed by an important priest as his trusted assistant, finding her singing at Club “L”egant in fishnet stockings might be difficult to enjoy. 

Larkin:  I guess.  {WANDA enters, cleaning up}   I wish this sister would stay in Buffalo. Baby says it’s a miracle she’s taking time off for this trip.   

Lucky:  Big Sister isn’t going to like it when she learns that I’m not a priest and you’re not an assistant priest. {Goes back to his ledger.}

Wanda:  I knew this priest once, when I was working at La Scala in Italy.  He was a reformed criminal, used to be a real terror, but he made a great priest, mabye ‘cause he understood human weaknesses, having given in to most of the deadly sins at one time or another.  

Larkin:  Thanks, Wanda, but we’re not dealing with deadly sins, just a little white lie.

Wanda:  The trouble with white lies is that they turn kinda dingy and soon you’ve got a little dirty lie, which is always more trouble than it’s worth. {EXIT}

Larkin:  {After a long pause} I’ll bet you could be a priest.

Lucky:  Right.

Larkin:  Really.  You talk good, and you were raised so Catholic you could say mass half asleep.

Lucky:  So what’s your point?

Larkin:  What if you pretended to be this Father O’Meara? 

Lucky:  What are you talking about, Mike?   Are you crazy?

Kokomo:  Lucky O’Malley a priest!  That’ll be the month!

Larkin:  It’s only for a few days!  We pretend to be these people that Baby made up, we impress the sister, she goes home happy, and we go back to running a speakeasy.

Lucky:  No.  It is not possible.  I don’t want to be a priest.  If I’d wanted to be a priest, my mother would have died a happy woman, but I don’t. 

Larkin:  I’m not asking you to take a vow of celibacy, for cryin’ out loud.  Although the hours you work, you might as well.  You never have any fun.

Lucky:  I have plenty of fun.

Larkin:  Tell me the last time you had a date.

Lucky:  Uh…Last Saturday night.  I had a date with Katie Kennedy.

Larkin:  Which you broke when the shipment was late and we had to unload it ourselves.

Lucky:  Well, I had a date! 

Larkin:  What do you say, Lucky?  Be Father O’Meara, just for a few days.  A busy priest would only see the sister once or twice.  Kokomo and I can do most of it, can’t we, pal?

Kokomo:  Oh, sure. I wouldn’t miss this one for the world!

Lucky:  What about the rest of it: the maid, the house, and all?

Larkin:  I’ll handle it.  I promise, you’ll hardly notice what’s going on.  I’ll borrow a few of the guys, a couple of the girls,…oh, and we’ll need a house, something classy, not yours…

Lucky:  {Indignant} What?

Larkin:   Lucky, your house is not suitable for a man of the cloth.  What do you think of Cecilia’s place?

Kokomo:  Cecilia’s?  Larkin, that place is a –

Larkin:  {Interrupting} -very nice dwelling.  If we removed a few pictures and changed the lampshades, it would look pretty classy!

Lucky:  And how are you going to get Cecilia to let you borrow her house?

Larkin:  …I was thinking maybe you could ask her.

Lucky:  Me!  Larkin, she looks at me like a fat girl looks at a banana split!

Larkin:  Tell you what.  You arrange this for me, and I’ll think of a way to get Cecilia off your trail.  You know I can do it; I’m the fix-it guy.

Lucky:  It would be almost worth it. {Reluctantly}  Okay, I’ll ask Cecilia to move out fo

The Gangster Priest

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