The Kissing Bandit

The Kissing Bandit

A Comedy In One Act

By

Deborah Hodge

The Kissing Bandit

 Copyright 2010 

by Deborah Hodge

All Rights Reserved

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Setting: A small park in a small town named Walden

Staging—The stage can be set up with minimal props that suggest a park. You could have picnic tables, trees, and green carpet suggesting grass, a retaining wall at the back and sides of the stage, outlines suggesting sidewalks.

Character Descriptions

Becca Yates—is an attractive female about 25 years old.

Emma Caldwell—is very levelheaded attractive female about 25 years old.

Shelby Stewart—-is a rather ditsy female of 25 years old.

Natalee Armstrong—is a 25-year-old female who is prone to exaggerate and to gossip.

Lola Farrow—is the local beauty queen, most popular girl in high school, who stole Becca’s high school boyfriend. She is now 25 years old.  Becca still holds a grudge.

Jake Turner—is a handsome male of 25 and Emma’s boyfriend, who seems to have commitment issues.

Brian—is 25-year-old nerd, who is trying to change is image. He has had a crush on Becca since high school.

Matthew, Trey, Clint— are 25-year-old friends of Jake and Brian. They have no luck with girls.

Tim McGreevy—is about 25 years old. He is a real ladies man, who tries to teach the others how to be ladies men.

Helen Watkins—is a very plain young woman in her late twenties and desperate for a boyfriend

Mia Montgomery—-is a very plain librarian of about thirty and very desperate for a boyfriend.

Mrs. Gillespie and Mrs. Farrow—are nosey, stuck-up gossipers. Mrs. Farrow is Lola’s mother. 

Francois Freneau—The world famous French chef who has followed Lola to Walden.

Police Officers—-“These officers are “No nonsense” officers of the law.

Woman with the purse—-desperate for a kiss

Women in the crowd—are all desperate for a kiss from the Kissing Bandit

                                               The Kissing Bandit

Scene One

      The setting is a park at lunchtime. The employees of the local factories, offices, stores and others eat lunch there.  A group of girls is seated on a bench having a quick lunch. People are walking by and since it is a small town, everyone knows everyone and most have known each other for years. The girls are speaking to those who pass by and each of the passersby is acknowledging.

Baca—I tell you. I am so tired of the same old, same old. Nothing in this town ever changes.

Emma—Hello Mrs. Gillespie.  (Mrs. Gillespie has just entered stage when Emma speaks. Mrs. Gillespie nods.)

Shelby— (As she gets closer) How are you Mrs. Gillespie? (Mrs. Gillespie nods as she passes by, but doesn’t speak.)  

Becca— (As she is about off stage, Emma speaks, but not loud enough for Mrs. Gillespie to hear her.) Are you too good to speak to us, you pompous windbag?

 (Just before she exits, Mrs. Farrow enters from the direction that Mrs. Gillespie is heading and they stop to chat. Periodically they look in the direction of the girls eating lunch.)

Emma—Looks like we are the topic of conversation.

Becca—That’s no surprise Mrs. Farrow is the biggest gossip in town.

Shelby— (giving Mrs. Gillespie one of those “if looks could kill” looks) Wonder what she’s saying.

Emma— She’s probably saying, “Poor Emma lets her man walk all over her. Pity she can’t be more like my Lola, but no one is like my Lola.  She’s beautiful, charming and accomplished. She’d never let a man treat her that way.

Shelby—Really! You think that’s what she’s saying.

Becca— (Becca has been looking in Mrs. Farrow’s direction with a very hostile expression ever since she arrived on the scene.)  No, you’re wrong. See the way she’s looking at me and shaking her head. I can tell you what she’s saying, “Poor Becca, she’s such a Plain Jane. She comes from a long line of “Plain Janes”. It’s a pity she’s not beautiful like my Lola.

Emma— (to Becca)—She’s probably talking about both of us. You know how she is.

Shelby—No, she’s talking about me.

Becca—What!  

Shelby—She saying, “Shelby Stewart you are the dumbest, clumsiest, ugliest girl I know.”

Emma—Why would you think  that?

Shelby—Because she’s said that before.

Becca—- (shaking her head) Nobody could be that cruel.

Shelby—Trust me Mrs. Farrow is.

Emma—-She actually said that to you.

Shelby—No, but she actually said that about me. Natalee overheard her.

Becca—Natalee!

Emma—Wait a minute! You know how Natalee exaggerates.

Shelby—That may be true, but ever since she told me I’ve noticed how Mrs. Farrow looks at me every time I’m around.”

Becca—She could be looking at you because of how you’re  looking at her.

Emma—Yeah, if looks could kill.

Shelby—Well, I have my reasons. Just let her say it to my face. I’m gonna spring on her.

Becca— (Sarcastically)—No that would be something to see. You spring on an old lady.

(Mrs. Gillespie and Mrs. Farrow are shaking their heads and looking in the girls’ direction as they continue to talk. Shelby nods in their direction.)

Shelby—Yeah, but I have my reasons.

(Natalee comes on the scene. Mrs. Gillespie and Mrs. Farrow are still carrying on their conversation while looking at the girls. Occasionally, they nod in the girls’ direction.)

Natalee—Hey, girls what are ya’ll up to.

Emma—We’re trying to keep Shelby from springing on Mrs. Farrow.

Natalee— (Looks bewildered) —Why would she want to do that?

Becca—Maybe, because of something you told her that Mrs. Farrow said about her.

Natalee— (innocently) —Who me?

Emma—Yeah, the dumb, clumsy, ugly comment.

Natalee—Oh, yeah, that.

Becca—You actually heard Mrs. Farrow say that.

Natalee—Yeah or something to that effect (Emma and Becca look at each other knowingly. Natalee has a well-deserved reputation of getting things wrong and causing trouble among friends, acquaintances or people in general.)(to Becca) You should have heard what she said about you.

Becca—And what would that be?

Natalee—She said that you’re such a “know it all” that no man can tolerate you. That’s why Eric chose Lola over you.

Becca— (obviously upset) —Oh, she did, did she? (Natalee nodded.)

Shelby—. I’m gonna spring on her for you too Becca.

Becca and Emma hold her back as they shake their heads.

Natalee—By the way, Lola’s back in town. (Becca and Emma glance at each other. They do not look pleased at the news.) And guess what else?

Shelby—What else?

Natalee— (gleefully) There’s a new guy at work.

Emma— (very interested) A new guy?

Natalee—Yeah, he just started this morning. He’s fine.

 (Emma and Becca look at each other wondering how much Natalee’s exaggerating.)

Becca— (doubting Natalee’s estimate of him) Fine huh?

Shelby—Yeah, he is.

Emma—You’ve seen him too.

Shelby—Yeah, I have. Mr. Evans was showing him around this morning.

Becca—Is the new guy a boss or something?

Shelby—Yeah, I guess.

Becca—Which department?

Shelby—I don’t know. (Shelby looks at Natalee, who gives the “”I don’t know sign.””)

Becca— (interested)–You say he’s a hunk.

Natalee and Shelby—Yeah he’s a hunk.

Emma— (interested) —Well, this should be interesting.  (Emma, Shelby and Natalee look surprised.)

Becca— (frowning) You have Jake.

Emma—Have I?  (lets out a sigh)—Not according to Mrs. Farrow.

Shelby— (to Emma) —When I spring on her, I’ll get her for you too.

Becca—Shelby you have to get a grip.

(Male voices are heard in the distance. Mrs. Gillespie and Mrs. Farrow exit. The girls are joined by Jake, Emma’s boyfriend, Brian, the glass wearing, nerd, Trey, Clint and Matthew.)

Jake— (to Emma as he gives her a peck on the cheek) —Hello, beautiful!

(Emma pulls away and gives him a look.)  What’s wrong with you?

Emma—It’s you, you no good……boyfriend you.”

Jake— (perplexed) —What did I do?

Emma—It’s what you haven’t done?

Jake—Huh!

Becca—It’s not you. It’s Mrs. Farrow.

Jake—Mrs. Farrow!  What does Mrs. Farrow have to do with anything?

Emma—She has your number.

Jake—What!

Shelby—You want me to spring on him Emma.

Matthew—Are you girls crazy?

Emma—No, we’re not crazy.

Clint—It sure sounds like it.

Becca—No, we’re just mad at Mrs. Farrow.

Trey—Oh, I see. What’s that old gossip been saying now?

Becca—Never mind.

Brian— (obviously smitten) —-I can’t imagine anyone saying anything bad about you.

(All the guys say, “Awhhh”.)

.Becca—-That’s so sweet Brian.

All of the guys —“That’s so sweet Brian.”

Becca—You guys leave him alone.  

Brian— (hopefully because she stuck up for him)-Becca (pauses) I was wondering if you like to go to the movies tonight.

Becca—(pauses to think of an excuse that won’t hurt his feelings) —Uh, I’m sorry, but I promised to help my mother can peaches tonight.

Jake——Peaches?

Emma— (elbows Jake)—Yes peaches.

Jake— (laughs) —But peaches aren’t in season.

Becca— (seeing the look on Brian’s face)–My mom ordered them special (searching for the rest of her lie)….from California.

Emma— (Angry at Jake for causing Becca problems and because of Mrs. Farrow’s comments.)—Yeah Jake about those peaches, it so happens that I promised Becca that I’d help her and her mother tonight.

Jake—But, we had a date.

Emma—That was before the peaches came along.  (Jake’s angry about the broken date.)

Jake—But

Emma—But nothing!   (Nods toward Becca and Brian) I guess, you understand about the peaches.

Jake— (still anger)-Yeah

Emma—If one isn’t careful, the canning could take two or three days.

Jake—Okay already. I understand about the peaches.

 (Tim the new guy walks up. Emma and Becca look him over. They nod to Natalee and Shelby who are mouthing the word, “Hunk”. Brian notices Becca’s interest.  He’s greatly discouraged. The rest of the guys are amazed at how easily, Tim swoops in and captures the girls’ attention.)

Natalee—Well hello there. I am Natalee Armstrong.

Tim— (flirting) —Well hello back. I’m Tim McGreevy. (to Becca) And, who might you be?

Becca—I’m Becca Yates.

Emma— (interrupting) And, I am Emma Caldwell.

Jake—And she’s my girl.

Emma— (Still angry at Jake and thinking about what Mrs. Farrow said.)  I am nobody’s girl.

Tim—What a shame.  (to Emma) (to Shelby) And who are you lovely lady?  (Shelby is flattered his statement.)

Shelby—Me, you are talking to me.

Tim— (talking her hand) —Of course I am.

Shelby— (Victoriously vindicated) — I guess, Mrs. Farrow doesn’t know everything.

Tim—Who’s Mrs. Farrow?

Shelby— (As she joyfully enjoys the handholding.)—Oh, never mind.

Natalee– (nudging Shelby aside as she presents her hand to Tim) —And, I am Natalee Armstrong

Tim—Of course, you are. I remember you from earlier this morning.

Natalee—You do.

Tim—I certainly do.

Natalee—Well, I (The other girls appear to be jealous.)

Becca—You’ll have to have to forgive us. We have to get back to work.

(The girls gather Natalee up and take her with them against her protest. As they walk away and still flirting, each girl waves bye to Tim. Once they are out of sight, Jake objects to Tim’s flirting with Emma.)

Jake—Hey man I didn’t ask you eat with us so you could  flirt with my girl.

Tim—I’m sorry, but I think it was the other way around.

Jake—Maybe so, but I don’t like it.

Tim—I can’t help it if I’m a chick magnet.

Clint—Yeah, it did sort of seem that way.

Tim—You bet. I’ve worked hard at been irresistible to women.

Trey—Maybe you ought to bottle it and sell it.

Jake— (still jealous)—Kind of conceited aren’t you?

Tim—Not conceited just confident, (pointing to Brian) I used to be like him. Now, I got game.

Brian—I resent that.

Tim—You should, but you don’t have to stay the way you are. I’d be glad to teach you my patented Tim McGreevy method for snagging chicks.

Brian—I don’t need to take lessons.

Tim—If anyone does, you do. 

Brian—No I don’t.

Tim—Man, I heard that Becca girl disrespecting you.

Matthew—You can actually teach Brian to be like you.

Tim—Sure, I can. I can teach him to be a man of charm and mystery.

Trey—Brian a man of charm and mystery, I don’t think so.

Tim—I could do it just like (snaps his fingers) that!

Jake—Brian does good to put to coherent sentences together around a girl. (Brian nods.)

Tim—But I heard him with the Becca girl.

Jake—He had worked for two weeks to memorize the words and we helped him win Becca’s sympathy. (Brian shook his head.)

Tim—-I can fix that.

Brian—I don’t think so.

Tim—Sure, I can.

Brian— (obviously doubtful)—But…

Tim— (interrupting Brian) —No buts, just roll with me tonight and watch.

Brian—Huh?

Tim—Didn’t someone tell me that this park is one of the main gathering places for beautiful, eligible, young ladies?

Jake—And, everyone else.

Tim—We’ll meet here tonight and (to Brian) I’ll show you how to get a girl.

Brian—I don’t know.

Tim—One easy lesson, that’s all it’ll take to get you started.

Brian—(encouraged by the other guys, but reluctantly) —Okay.

Scene 2 

The Park that night. Tim arrives first, and then the others.  Brian arrives last.

Tim—I see we’re all here except Brian. Do you suppose he chickened out?

Jake—I told you man. He gets all tied up in knots around girls.

Tim—But, I’m gonna change that. (Brian walks in to the scene.)

Matthew—Here he comes.

Tim—I thought you’d chickened out.

Brian—No, I’m no chicken. I’m just not sure that this is gonna help.

Tim—Trust me. I can turn anyone into a Casanova in one easy lesson.

Matthew— (pointing to Trey, Clint and Jake)–Is it okay if we take lessons too. 

Tim — (nods) —Sure.

Jake—Not me, I’ve got a girl.

Tim—Yes, but would you like to keep her?

Jake—Sure, I would.

Tim—From what I saw this afternoon, you’d better take lessons. (All the other fellows nod in agreement.)  Okay. Before any ladies arrive, lets being with our lesson. The first thing you do is work on looking confident, sure of yourself, the epitome of maleness. (He is doing all of these things as he speaks and the guys try to emulate him. Their efforts are hilarious. Brian is the worst of all.)—- Next, you need to get your swagger on. (He does it and they seek to emulate, again it is funny.) Then you have to learn to talk smack. (Trey starts talking crazy smack. Brian is very skeptically of his ability with the method.)  Not just any smack, the kind of smack girls like. (Tim demonstrates)—“Hello lovely lady.”

Trey—That’s what you used this afternoon.

Tim—And they liked it, didn’t they?

Clint—Yeah

Trey— A lot.

Tim—Okay each of you try it.

Matthew—But there are no girls here?

Tim—I’ll be the girl. Now one at a time, start from over there. Let me see your confidence, your maleness, and your swagger and let me hear your smack. (Each guy has been reacting to every review word—confidence they endeavor to show it, maleness they endeavor to show it, swagger and they are whispering their smack.) Now Matthew, I’m a beautiful girl come win me.

Brian—Look man if it’s all right with you I’m just gonna watch and make sure that I get it down.

Tim—Good idea. Okay guys. I’m a beautiful girl sweep me off my feet.

Matthew— (imitating Tim) —Hello beautiful. I believe destiny has brought us together tonight just so we could get to know each other.

Tim—Not bad.  Next.

Trey— (doing his version of Tim) —Hello there. I have a problem with which I believe that you can help me.

Tim— (in a girl’s voice) —Oh really

Trey—I’m sure of it. Could I see your hand a minute?

Tim— (girl’s voice) —My hand

Trey—Yes, please it’s a matter of life and death.

Tim— (girl’s voice) —Well, I suppose. (Trey takes “her” hand that puts it on his chest where his heart would be.)

Trey— There. You who have stolen my heart with one glance have given it back to me.

Tim—Not bad, not bad at all.

Brian—Are you sure girls like this stuff?

Tim—Sure…Okay Matthew you’re next.

Matthew— (his imitation of Tim) —Hey girl, did it hurt?

Tim— (girl’s voice) —Did what hurt?

Matthew—Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Tim—Pre-t-ty go-od. Jake you’re next.

Jake—I’ll pass.

(A girl enters the scene. Clint sees her.)   

Clint—Look! Here comes a live one. I’m gonna practice on her.

Tim—Go for it.

Clint— (Swaggering up to her as she walks by. Other girls walk by as Clint stops her. The girls slow down as they realize what Clint is up to.)—Hey beautiful. You must be from Tennessee.

Girl— (looking confused) —Why would you say that?

Clint— (looking toward the other girls and back at her)-Cause on a scale of one to ten, you’re the only ten I see.

Girl—That’s sweet. If I didn’t already have a boyfriend, I’d give you my number.

Clint— (handing her a pen) —Who’d have to know?

Girl—I guess, you’re right. (She takes a pen from her purse or pocket and writes her number on his hand. Clint smiles at the guys. They are giving him thumbs up. When the girl finishes, she says flirtingly.)   Call me.

Clint—You bet. (The girl smiles and walks away.)

Jake—Wow, I guess that stuff really works. 

Tim—You had doubts.

Clint— (Looking at his hand)—Not anymore, thanks man.

Tim—You bet.

Brian—I am so amazed that girls fall for that sort of thing.

Tim—Well, you’re going get a chance to find out. Here comes some more.  Just pick out one and do like Clint did.

Brian—Okay, but I’m really nervous.

Tim—Don’t be nervous. Go for it.

(A girl walks in; she is “not skinny or petite”.  Tim nods in her direction. Brian’s eyes get big and he shakes his head. Trying to encourage him, everyone gives him thumbs up. Very reluctantly, he tries to swagger over. His swagger looks more like John Wayne sidling up to the bar. While he’s sidling, he’s trying to get his words right. Suddenly he’s steps in front of the girl. She is a little startled.)

Brian—Hello there beautiful. (The girl stops. Brian swallows hard and looks at the guys for support. They give him thumbs up. He decides to use Clint’s approach, but chooses the wrong state.)  

Girl— (smiles broadly) —You talking to me?

Brian— (Screws up his courage) —Yes, I am. You must be from Washington. (The guys’ mouths fly open and they look at each other and shake their heads.)

Girl—Why would you say that?

Brian—Cause it sure looks like you’ve been washing … (realizing what he’s about to say, he stops. The guys are amazed at the hole he has dug for himself. They wonder what is about to happen. Other girls have walked on scene, but they stop when they hear the girl’s loud, angry voice)

Girl— (Realizing what he was about to say, the girl is very upset and demands) Washing a what? (Brian is scared to say anything. The girl folds her arms, taps her foot and repeats extremely angrily.) I’ve been washing a what? What?

Brian— (trapped, swallows hard and answers timidly) — a ton.  

Girl— (The girl slaps him.)— I hope that hurts a ton.  (Brian is reeling from the blow. The girl triumphantly walks off. The other girls scatter.)

(Brian is still nursing his wounded face when the guys hurry over.)

Matthew—Man, she let you have it. (He playfully repeats her slap and barely misses Brian.)

Brian—Watch it man. Once was enough.

Jake— (to Tim) —I thought Tim McGreevy could teach anybody to be a ladies’ man.

Tim—Not him.

Jake—So you’re admitting that you were wrong.

Tim— (bewildered but beaten) —I’ve never been wrong before. (pauses, looks at Brian and observes)—-It has always worked with normal people.

Brian— (indignantly) Hey man are you saying I’m not normal.

Tim— (Tactfully) Let’s just say normally, I’d have no problems turning a sow’s ear into a silk purse.

Brian— (bewildered) —What’s that supposed to mean.

Tim—It means I can’t help you brother.

Brian—You’re saying there’s nothing you can do.

Tim—I could if you were somebody else, but since you’re you, there is nothing.

Brian—- (confused) —But you could help me, if I wasn’t me.

Tim—That’s right.

Brian— (very confused)—So you’re saying there’s no hope for me.

Tim—Not as long as you are you.

Brian—But I am me, so there’s no hope for me.

Tim—Exactly! (Brian shakes his head in frustration.)

Trey— (Looking around to see that there are no girls entering) We might as well call it a night. Brian’s scared off all the girls.  (Brian shakes his head again. He’s having a Charlie Brown moment.)

Matthew—But, we could go to the drive in. There are probably some girls there.

Clint—Or maybe, the movies.

Jake—Huh?

Trey—Yeah, we could hang out at the movies and pick up girls as they come out.

Tim— (Contemplatively) —I’ve never tried a drive in or the movies. It could be interesting.

Trey— (Insistently) —Brian you stay here or go home. You can’t come with us.

Jake—That’s kind of rude.

Brian— (dejectedly) —It’s all right Jake.

Trey— (to Brian) —Look man I’m not trying to be rude. I’m just trying to get a girl. You heard what Tim said. I don’t want you to spoil my chances.

Jake—-That’s kind of harsh.

Tim—Harsh, but true.

Matthew— (to Brian) — Sorry man, but we’ll see you at work tomorrow.

Brian—Yeah

Jake—You fellas go on. I’m staying with Brian.  

Trey—– (Relieved and in a hurry) —Okay, see yeah.  (Tim, Trey, Matthew walk off. Brian sighs dejectedly as he watches them.)

Jake—Don’t pay any attention to them. They’ve just let McGreevy hoodwink them. 

Brian—Huh?

Jake—They’re so desperate for girlfriends they’ll believe anything.

Brian—Yeah, but the McGreevy method worked for them.  You know it did.

(Jake’s cell phone rings.)

Jake—-Hello…..Your through canning peaches…….You miss me…….Who is this….Emma who?……Emma Caldwell……Okay, I’ll quit. I just wanted you to see how it feels…….So you miss me, huh……You want me to come over…..Now?……I guess I will…Okay, see you in  few minutes.

Brian—I guess you don’t need the McGreevy method after all.

Jake—-Told you so and neither do you.  I guess I’d better get over to Emma’s house. See you tomorrow man.

Brian—-See ya.  (Brian alone and speaks aloud.)—Well Brian, I guess you had better get use to being alone unless you can figure out a way to become someone else.

                                                                                          Curtain closes

                                                Scene Three-

              The girls are gather for

The Kissing Bandit

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