Brawl At The Ball

The Brawl

At the Ball

by

Mark Landon Smith

The Brawl At The Ball

 Copyright 2012

by Mark Landon Smith

All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that THE BRAWL AT THE BALL is subject to a royalty.  It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth, including Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union.  All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, and the rights of translation into foreign language are strictly reserved. 

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Cast

Actor #1

Actor #2

Actor #3

Actor #4

Actor #5

Goldilocks

Big Bad Wolf

Mouse #1

Mouse #2

Mouse #3

Cinderella

Dumbelina

Onlooker #1

Onlooker #2

Onlooker #3

Onlooker #4

Onlooker #5

Onlooker #6

Ima Hogg

Dwarf

Evil Stepmother

Hansel

Gretel

Pinnochio

Little Red Riding From ‘Da Hood

Rapunzel

Peter Pan

Roles listed in bold may be doubled, tripled and even played by one actor.  They may also be played by Goldilocks, Big Bad Wolf, Little Red Riding from ‘Da Hood, Rapunzel and Peter Pan.  

Roles listed in italics may be cut.

Actors may also play multiple roles adding to the fun of the piece and the roles may be assigned and suffle to accommodate as little as 5 actors.

Most roles may be played by male or female.

Costumes should remain simple with a costume piece to suggest character.

Set may simply be a series of desks and chairs to represent the courtroom.

The Brawl At The Ball

Scene 1

(In the dark we hear a police siren.  As the lights rise we find the company in small groups left, center and right.  In turn, each actor displays the front page headline to the audience.)

Actor #1:  (Reading the headline.)  “Evil Step Mother Arrested For Being A Big ‘Ole Meanie!”

Actor #2:  (Reading the headline.)  “Living With Step Mother No Ball Says Cinderella!”

Actor #3:  (Reading the headline.)  “Step Mother Really Step Monster Says Neighbors!”

Actor #4:  (Reading the headline.)  “Cinderella Victim Of Jealous Step Siblings!”

Actor #5:  (Reading from the want ads.)  “Lost.  One Shoe.  If found please call 555-1234.  Ask for Cindy.”

(The company breaks apart and one member becomes Goldilocks, another The Big Bad Wolf and three additional become the The Three Blind Mice using simply suggested costume pieces, as we move into Goldilocks’ Porridge Emporium And Diner.   We hear crowd noises  as the Big Bad Wolf enters, breathless and impatient and obviously being pursued.  Goldilocks enters as the Big Bad Wolf sits at a table.)

Goldilocks:  (With a bit of an attitude.)  You runnin’ from someone, buster?

Big Bad Wolf:  Yeah.  Those reporters!  Buncha rats!

Goldilocks:  Ah…that’s right.  The big trial starts today, huh?

Big Bad Wolf:  That’s right, sister.  And the place is swarmin’ with Press.  

Goldilocks:  I know.  It’s…(To the audience.)…un”bear”able.

Big Bad Wolf:  Mind if I hide out here until it cools down outside?

Goldilocks:  Y’gotta order somethin’.  I gotta rule here at Goldilocks’ Porridge Emporium and Diner…”No Eat, No Seat.”  What can I get for ya?

Big Bad Wolf:  I’ll take a hamburger.

Goldilocks:  I got porridge.

Big Bad Wolf:  Club sandwich?

Goldilocks:  I got porridge.

Big Bad Wolf:  Chicken fingers?

Goldilocks:  I got porridge.  (Beat.)  Y’can have the special, if y’like.

Big Bad Wolf:  What is it?

Goldilocks and Big Bad Wolf:  Porridge.

Big Bad Wolf:  I’ll have the porridge.

Goldilocks:  (Writing it down on her pad.)  Y’get a side with that.

Big Bad Wolf:  What are m’choices?

Goldilocks:  Porridge.

Big Bad Wolf:  I’ll take a bowl of porridge with a side of…porridge.

Goldilocks:  Y’got it, Sherlock.

(Goldilocks exits to prepare the order as the “door” bursts open and the Three Blind Mice enter.  The each have a cane, are wearing sunglasses and one has a pad and pencil, the other a camera and the other a handheld tape recorder.)

Mouse #1:  (Pointing with his cane away from the Big Bad Wolf.)  THERE HE IS!

(Each mouse runs for different parts of the stage, each thinking they have cornered the Big Bad Wolf, who remains at his table.)

Mouse #2:  (Holding the handheld tape recorder away toward the audience as Mouse  #3 is napping pictures of the wall and audience.)  Tell us, Mr. Wolf, do you think you can successfully defend this obviously open and shut case?

Big Bad Wolf:  Well, I….

Mouse #1:  This way, Mr. Wolf.

(They snap a picture which obviously doesn’t have the Big Bad Wolf in it.)

Mouse #3:  (With back to the audience and with pen and paper poised.)  Do you have a quote for the press, Mr. Wolf?

Big Bad Wolf:  At this time…

(The Mice cross to other parts of the room and Goldilocks enters with a bowl of porridge and sets it down on the table.)

Big Bad Wolf:  This is too hot.

(Goldilocks, with attitude, exits with the bowl.)

Mouse #1:  (To no one in particular.)  Do you really believe Cinderella was a victim, as she claims?

(Mouse #1 snaps picture which has no one in it.)

Mouse #2:  (To no one in particular.)  Rumor has it the defense is going to claim Insanity By Reason Of Pumpkin Poisioning!

(Goldilocks enters with another bowl of porridge and sets it down in front of the Big Bad Wolf.)

Mouse #3:  (To no one in particular.)  Is it true that Cinderella had her Step Mother framed?

Big Bad Wolf:  (To Goldilocks.)  This is too cold.

(Goldilocks, with attitude, swipes the bowl from the table and exits as the Three Blind Mice wander the stage aimlessly ad-libbing requesting information from the Big Bad Wolf.  Noticing they aren’t having any luck locating him, the Big Bad Wolf decides to assist.)

Big Bad Wolf:  I’m over here.

(The Three Blind Mice make a location adjustment, however they are still nowhere near the Big Bad Wolf, who simply gives up.)

Big Bad Wolf:  Gentlemice of the press…I, the Big Bad Wolf, firmly believe in my client’s case against her evil Step Mother.  And furthermore have no doubt that after todays…(Goldilocks enters with another bowl of porridge and crosses to the Big Bad Wolf as he ushers the Three Blind Mice out the door.)…testimonies you and the rest of the people in this great and just Fairyland of ours, will agree.  

Goldilocks:  Here y’go.

Big Bad Wolf:  Ah…this is…

Big Bad Wolf and Goldilocks:…just right…

Goldilocks:  (To the audience.)  How did I know that was coming…?

(We hear the strike of a tower clock.)

Big Bad Wolf:  The trial’s starting.  

Goldilocks:  You’d better get over to the court house.

Big Bad Wolf:  Do you think I have time to make it?

Goldilocks:  (To the audience.)  Just “bear”ly…

Scene 2

(The company breaks up and moves to stage left as Dumbelina steps forward and focuses above the audience. She carries a microphone with her, which she holds upside down.  The company serves as the “onlookers” gathered to observe the court proceedings.  Dumbelina simply stands there and stares out above the audience.)

Onlooker #1:  You’re on.

(Dumbelina doesn’t pay any attention.)

Onlooker #2:  Psst…you’re on.

(Dumbelina doesn’t respond.)

All:  YOU’RE ON!

Dumbleina:  What?

Onlooker  #3:  You’re on.  The television camera.  It’s on.  You’re on.

Dumbelina:  I’m on?

Onlooker #4:  YES!

Dumbelina:  Right now?

ALL:  RIGHT NOW!

Dumbelina:  (Tapping to her microphone.)  Is this on?

ALL:  YES!

Dumbelina:  Good afternoon, Lords and Ladies, Trolls and Gnomes.  I am standing outside the Witch’s Castle…

Onlooker #5:…courthouse…

Dumbelina:  …courthouse where the Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe…

Onlooker #6:…Evil Step Mother…

Dumbelina:…Evil Step Mother is about to stand trial for leaving her cupboard bear…

Onlooker #7:…for not allowing Cinderella to go to the ball…

Dumbelina:…for not allowing Cinderella to go to the ball.  And we’ll discover the truth about her rumored romance with Rumplestilskin…

Onlooker #1:…the Handsome Prince…

Dumbelina: …the Handsome Prince…

(Dumbelina freezes.)

Onlooker #2:  What an idiot reporter.

Onlooker #3:  Yeah.  I much prefer her sister, Thumblelina.

Dumbelina:  Will the Big Bad Giant…

Onlooker #4:…Wolf…

Dumbelina:…Wolf be able to prosecute the Evil Mermaid?

Onlooker #5:  STEP MOTHER!

Dumbelina:…step mother?  Stay tuned to this station for all the facts as they are revealed.  Outside Jack’s Beanstalk…

Onlooker #6:  COURTHOUSE!

Dumbelina:  …courthouse, this is Dumblelina reporting.

Onlooker #7:  Well, that was painful…

Onlooker #1:  (Noticing offstage.)  LOOK!  IT’S THE EVIL STEPMOTHER!

(The Evil Stepmother, with her lawyer, Peter Pan, who is constantly jumping up and down and fluttering his arms, enters.  The crowd instantly begins to “boo” her and she reacts lunging at the crowd.  Peter Pan pulls her back.)

Peter Pan:  (Trying to control her.)  Remember what I said…

(The crowd exits.)

Evil Step Mother:  Yeah…yeah…yeah…

Peter Pan:  What are you made of…?  At least for the duration of this trial…

Evil Step Mother:  (Bitterly.)  “Sugar and spice and everything…(VERY difficult for her to say.) …nice.”

Peter Pan:  That’s right…that’s right.  Brava!   (Looking around.)  Are those reporters gone?

Evil Step Mother:  Yeah…they left like rats leaving a sinking ship.

Peter Pan:  Good.  Now, let’s go over our strategy.

Evil Step Mother:  It’s not gonna work.

Peter Pan:  Of course it’s going to work.  

Evil Step Mother:  “Pumpkin Poisoning?”  Even that idiotic reporter Dumblelina won’t swallow that one.

Peter Pan:  You gotta think positively.

Evil Step Mother:  You’re right.  I’m positive it’s not going to work.  (Pacing the stage back and forth with PETER PAN right behind her jumping and fluttering.)  Boy, if you don’t get me off I’m going to the slammer.  Y’realize that, don’t’cha?  Me? Behind bars!  Being forced to make gold outta straw day after day…(Noticing Peter Pan’s jumping and fluttering).  Ok…you gotta stop that.

Peter Pan:  Stop what?

Evil Step Mother:  (Demonstrating.)  This! 

Peter Pan:  I’m flying.

Evil Step Mother:  No, you’re not.  You’re jumping.

Peter Pan:  No, I’m not.  I’m flying.

Evil Step Mother:  No, you’re not.  You’re …jumping.

(Beat.)

Peter Pan:  I’m flying really low for short periods of time.

Evil Step Mother:  (Drawing her fist back.)  Well, cut it out before I ground you for good.

Peter Pan:  Oh…I didn’t hear that.

Evil Step Mother:  Hear what?

Peter Pan:  You threatened me and as your defense lawyer, I didn’t hear that or see…(Indicating Evil Step Mother’s  drawn fist.)…that. 

Evil Step Mother:  (Realizing her mistake.)  Oh…Oh, no, dear boy.  That wasn’t a threat!  It was a…joke.  (Laughing and pouring on the charm.)  That’s right…a joke.  You know what a delightful sense of humor I have.  And this…(Indicating her fist.)…why this is the way we hug in my family.  See?  We raise our fists and then we…(Grabbing Peter Pan for a bear hug, something which she hates doing.)…hug.

Peter Pan:  (Barely able to breathe.)  That’s very nice…

Evil Step Mother:  Yes.  It’s “sugar and spice and everything nice.”

Peter Pan:  VERY GOOD!

Evil Step Mother:  Yeah.  I’m learnin’.  So, how we gonna make a liar outta this dame?  

Peter Pan:  Dame?

Evil Step Mother:  CINDERELLA!

Peter Pan:  Oh.  Her.  Yes.  Well, I thought you could get on the witness stand and portray her as spoiled…

Evil Step Mother:  YES!

Peter Pan:…and demanding…

Evil Step Mother:  YES!

Peter Pan:…and lazy…

Evil Step Mother:  YES!

Peter Pan:…and beautiful…

Evil Step Mother:  NO!  (Beat.)  Why would I say that?

Peter Pan:  Because she is.

Evil Step Mother:  Yes, I know, but…

Peter Pan:  A spoiled, demanding, lazy step daughter who tortured you and her step sisters with her beauty. So…she didn’t deserve to go…to…the ball.

Evil Step Mother:  (Beginning to understand.)  Ah…yes…I like it.  I LIKE IT!

Peter Pan:  And it’s all true.  Isn’t it?

Evil Step Mother:  OF COURSE IT’S TRUE! (She threateningly backs Peter Pan up.) YOU CALLIN’ ME A…(She raises her fist up.)…LIAR!

Peter Pan:  I’M NOT SEEING THIS.

(Evil Step Mother stops, notices her raised fist, then comes in for a hug with Peter Pan.)

Scene 3

(In the dark we hear some appropriate fairy tale music.  The lights rise on Big Bad Wolf and his client, Cinderella who is only wearing one shoe.)

Cinderella:  Goodness gracious my bodacious me, but I’m as nervous as Puss ‘N Boots at a rocking chair convention.

Big Bad Wolf:  Everything is going to be fine, Cinderella.  Just do the thing you do best…telling the truth.

Cinderella:  Yes.  I’ve never told a lie.  (Beat.)  Well, except to the Prince.  At the ball.  Where I lost my shoe.  (Beat.)  Has anybody called about the shoe?

Big Bad Wolf:  Baby, when we win this trial and get the financial settlement, you’ll be able to buy you an entire shoe store.

Cinderella:  I don’t want an entire shoe store.  Just my shoe.

Big Bad Wolf:  Now, let’s go over your story again.

Cinderella:  Right.  Well, I was in my step mother’s house…

Big Bad Wolf:  EVIL step mother…

Cinderella:  Yes.  EVIL step mother’s house.  Oh, she is evil, isn’t she?  It even says that on her driver’s license.  Evil Step Mother.  Right there.

Big Bad Wolf:…and…

Cinderella:  And my EVIL step sisters had just finished putting peanut butter in my hair.  And EVIL step mother was laughing about it, and suggested they add some grape jelly, which they did. 

Big Bad Wolf:  That’s EVIL.

Cinderella:  Yes!  And then my EVIL step sisters were giggling and laughing about the upcoming ball and taunting me and making fun of me and…stuff.  And I was crying and begging EVIL step mother to allow me to go to the ball.  And she said yes.  SHE SAID YES!  “Yes, Cinderella, you can go to the ball…after you separate that ten gallon drum full of all different kinds of birdseed I threw into the fire.  Well, there was NO WAY THAT was going to happen.  I mean, do you know how large a ten gallon drum full of all different kinds of birdseed is?  It’s BIG!  So, they left for the ball and there I was…sifting through the ashes, when suddenly my bird friends appeared and I asked them to help, well…

Big Bad Wolf:…you what?

Cinderella:  I asked them to help.

Big Bad Wolf:  And they responded?

Cinderella:  Yes.  They said “yes.”

Big Bad Wolf:  You talk to birds?

Cinderella:  Well, not just birds.  Deer, rabbits, squirrels, beavers…well, not all beavers.  This one I know has a terrible attitude.

Big Bad Wolf:  You talk to animals.

Cinderella:  Of course.

Big Bad Wolf:  And they talk to you?

Cinderella:  Unless they’re rude or have laryngitis.  Yes.

Big Bad Wolf:  I wouldn’t mention that on the witness stand.

Cinderella:  Why not?

Big Bad Wolf:  It might not look too good.  The jury might think you’re…well..

(He does a crazy sign around his head and “crazy” whistles.)

Cinderella:  Why would they think that?

Big Bad Wolf:  (Becoming impatient.)  Because people don’t talk to animals.

Cinderella:  (Becoming exasperated.)  I’m talking to you, and you’re an animal.

Big Bad Wolf:  (Beat.)  Good point.  Continue.

Cinderella:  Where was I?  (Beat.)  Oh, yes.  After the birds helped me clean out the fireplace, I ran to my closet, nothing to wear, Fairy God Mother appears, dress, pumpkin coach, “back by midnight”, no watch, go to the ball, lose my shoe…blah, blah, blah…

Big Bad Wolf:  AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE!

Cinderella:  You really think so?

Big Bad Wolf:  Absolutely!  And I’ve got witnesses who will TEAR your EVIL step mother apart!

Cinderella:  Oh, goody!

Big Bad Wolf:  And, a few surprises of my own…

Cinderella:  Oh, I love surprises.  (Beat.)  As long as it isn’t peanut butter in my hair.

Scene 4

(During the black out appropriate music plays as the company sets up for the courtroom.  Prior to the lights rising we can hear, in the dark, the general hubbub ad-libs of those gathered for the trial. The following characters are sitting among the audience;  Hansel and Gretel, Pinnochio, Goldilocks, a Dwarf, Little Red Riding From ‘Da Hood and Rapunzel. Big Bad WolfF sits with Cinderella as Peter Pan does with Evil Step Mother.)

Pinnochio:  Hear ye!  Hear ye!  All rise for the Honorable Judge Ima Hogg.

(All rise as Judge Ima Hogg, one of the three pigs, enters breathlessly.)

Ima Hogg:  Please be seated.  Apologies for being late, but my house blew down.  Now…what do we have here?  (Referring to a file folder.)  Ah, yes.  “Cinderella versus Evil Step Mother…”

(Upon hearing “evil step mother” there is a hiss from the courtroom.)

IMA HOGG:  Order…order…(Beat.)  “Cinderella versus Evil Step Mother citing Neglect and Abuse”, presided over by me, Judge Ima Hogg.  (Beat.)  Well, let’s get this shindig started, shall we?  And make it quick.  I gotta Bar-B-Q in an hour.  (Beat.)  Opening arguments.

(Big Bad Wolf takes the floor.)

BIG BAD WOLF:  Your honor.  I intend to prove beyond reasonable doubt that THIS WOMAN…  (Indicating Evil Step Mother.)…maliciously and intentionally neglected and abused my client, the sweet and pristine, Cinderella.

(There is applause from those in the courtroom as Big Bad Wolf takes his seat.)

Cinderella:  (Assuming the applause is for her.)  Thank you.

Ima Hogg:  Defense?

(Peter Pan jumps up and jumps and flutters to the floor.) 

Peter Pan:  Your honor, I intend to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that MY client, STEP MOTHER…

Big Bad Wolf:…EVIL step mother…

Peter Pan:  Objection!

Ima Hogg:   Sustained.

Peter Pan:  That my client…step mother, was the victim of malicious and calculated character sabotage by THAT woman…(Indicating Cinderella.)…who herself, is EVIL.

(There is a loud gasp of disbelief from the courtroom.)

Ima Hogg:  The prosecution may begin.

(The Big Bad Wolf rises.)

Big Bad Wolf:  Your honor.  People of the court.

Ima Hogg:  Wait a second.  Wait a darn-tootin’, straw blowin’ second.  I know you.

Big Bad Wolf:  Your honor?

Ima Hogg:  Approach the bench.  (Big Bad Wolf does so.)  I must say I am surprised to see you here, Counselor.  You must’ve recently changed your ways.

Big Bad Wolf:  Yes, I have, your honor.  I certainly have “seen the light.”  After the unfortunate lapse in judgment where your house was concerned…

Ima Hogg:…and my brother’s…

Big Bad Wolf:…and your brother’s…

Ima Hogg:  And let us not forget that ugly episode with Little Red’s Granny…

Big Bad Wolf:  Yes..well…that..It was immediately after that that I saw the error of my ways and reformed!

Ima Hogg:  I see.  Given our past association, I am skeptical.  However, as I believe in the basic goodness of all, I shall allow you to continue.  (Beat.)  Continue!

Big Bad Wolf:  Thank you, your honor.  (Beat.  Turning to the courtroom.)  I would like to call my first witness to the stand…PINNOCHIO!

(Pinnochio nervously rises and takes the stand.)

Big Bad Wolf:  Please state your name.

Pinnochio:  Tom Cruise.  (He grabs his nose.)  OUCH!  Ok…OK…Pinnochio.

Big Bad Wolf:  Mister Pinnochio, where do you live?

Pinnochio:  In a wedge of cheese.  (He grabs his nose.)  OUCH!  Ok…OK…#10 Glitter Wand Lane.

Big Bad Wolf:  And Mister Pinnochio, are you acquainted with the accused?

(Pinnochio starts to say “no”…)

Big Bad Wolf:  And remember you are under oath.

Pinnochio:  (Quickly.)  Yes.

Big Bad Wolf:  Tell us, Mr. Pinnochio, in your own, truthful, words, of your dealings with the accused.

Pinnochio:  Well, as most of you know, I am made of wood.  (There is an “Ahhhh…” of sympathy from the courtroom.)  Yeah.  It stinks.  (Beat.)  And what I want, more than anything else in the world, except a Ferrari, is to be human.  So I place an ad in the Fairyland Sentinel for a Fairy Godmother, or, I dunno, a Blue Fairy, if you will, to help.  I get a reply.  And this person says she can help me.  For a price.  She tells me to meet her, alone, below the ole’ Troll Bridge south of town and to bring money.  So I gather my wooden nickels and meet her, she takes my money, and I never see her again.

Big Bad Wolf:  And is that “Blue Fairy” in this courtroom this very minute?

Pinnochio:  Yes sir!

Big Bad Wolf:  Would you please point her out to me?

(Pinnochio points to Evil Step Mother.  The courtroom gasps.)

Evil Step Mother:  (Lunging for Pinnochio.)  LIAR!

Pinnochio:  (To Evil Step Mother.)  I love you.  (Beat.)  OUCH!  (He grabs his nose.)

Big Bad Wolf:  Your witness, Mister Pan.

(Peter Pan rises and jumps and flutters to Pinnochio.)

Peter Pan:  Mr. Pinnochio, I have just one question for you.  (Beat.)  Are you a liar?

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Brawl At The Ball

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